Tag Archives: Walker County

UPDATES: Walker County and great Frying Pan vs. Skillet debate

With all the insanity in America’s politics, I am pleased to report that one positive in this mess has occurred. Though old news, the new Sole Commissioner, High Commander and Eternal Leader of Walker County, Georgia is now firmly entrenched in his new position. Shannon Whitfield, who was able to easily defang and disembowel Bebe Heiskell in the 2016 election by a score of 3 trillion neurons to 2.1, is apparently managing to score points with voters on the simple fact that he keeps schedules consistent and has not traded away star players to the opposition in exchange for defensive coordinators who blow 20 point leads in the Super…oh crap, I’ve got the Atlanta Falcons on the brain. Sorry.

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Shannon Whitfield.  Wait, wasn’t this guy in a Super Bowl commercial for avocados?

Whitfield, despite his obviously improved status as Not Being Bebe Heiskell, has still rankled some voters by posting edited county commission meetings online instead of the raw feeds. Walker County gods on high, however, are apparently pleased with Whitfield’s performance, as a recent 1.8 earthquake indicates (previous earthquakes have been in the 4s, meaning Heiskell’s soul has obviously arrived at Satan’s mailbox, postage due.) Still, the City of LaFayette continues to function as always, with its fine collection of shops, gas stations, and a convenience store actually named “Yanks” (seriously.) It also continues to enjoy its status as Unofficial Job Haven for Wanted Criminals, as the county has had apparent known of a wanted criminal from Colorado working as a 911 dispatcher for the county for some time. Perhaps the Heiskell curse continues, but large predatory bird sightings are on the wane, so there has be obvious improvement – such as employees actually being able to now cash their paychecks.

No word as to whether “Thad” was available for comment. (rim shot)

This, however, pales in comparison to a far more serious matter facing our nation today from a political standpoint. Today, this writer took the liberty of challenging the political status quo and asking an ultra-controversial question: what the hell is the difference between a skillet and a frying pan?

A query which has dogged cooks for eons, the notion of a frying pan and skillet being different things has been a perplexing issue. Gigantic studies using massive federal block grants issued via presidential tweets have been suggested, especially since the skillet lobby has stated an unofficial goal of “Making Cooking with Skillets Great Again.” Of course, I chose to use the definitive source of wisdom and knowledge to answer this question once and for all…

My Facebook Feed.

My friends/readers/followers/associates of ill refute/various shape-shifting entities from the Gamma Quadrant all weighed in, and the results were very clear: no really knows for sure, and everyone wonders why the hell I was even asking that question. Of course, that would stop me from sharing some of the answers with you, my loyal and delusional reading audience, some of whom are obviously not aware of the need to stay off the road after heavy medicinal or recreational relaxant use.  We know that won’t happen, so here we go – actual answers from actual readers of my feed:

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Until the horse WHACKS you with it. And then you STILL won’t know what to call it!

“A skillet has straight high sides. Same flat wide bottom so u can fry or search, but the the high straight sides like a pot allow us to add more stuff, especially liquids and put on a lid.”

“Geography.”

“Weight. A skillet also says, ‘What’s this non-stick crap???'”

“One of those questions that just simmers…” (Honorable Mention for Best Answer)

“One you fry in, one’s a band.”

“They both cook eggs. So, none.”

and the Best Answer of All, which actually led to me spraying coffee on my monitor in such a fashion several wet wipes were needed…

“The difference between a frying pan and a skillet? The size of the knot on your head if you upset the cook.”

Bear in mind, all these answers are moot when one considers the fact that, when used properly, both pans and skillets make excellent counterweights for mousetraps created by grey and white cartoon cats. Still, we must never forget the most important part of this research, that terminology can vary widely from region to region in our nation, and that such things as “homophones” will always be targeted for persecution by moralist elements who obviously didn’t pay attention in English class.

If you are still unsure about how to approach this debate or how to understand the jokes in this post, feel free to contact Sole Commissioner Shannon Whitfield’s office. Operators are standing by to hire you now, provided you’ve been arrested in at least one jurisdiction.  I’m putting my application in tomorrow.

Flipping off the news, and reality itself

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And tonight’s recap:  Universes 1-3 are worth $900, 4-5, $3500 and 6 is worth 50 cents.  Apparently 6 is the soda can universe.  Where we are living is worthless, because we already screwed it up.
Folks, this is one of those days where I just want to kick back and relax and tinker with nature.  I believe I’ve discovered a way to turn my remote control into an alternate-reality transport device, so it’s time to see if this works.  All I have to do is press “swap” to shift realities.

(Flipping on the TV to CNN)

We interrupt this election coverage for a special bulletin….

(swap)

The United States of America has announced that all cats and dogs will be submitted for random drug screenings.  Apparently, household pets are now being used as drug mules, with the most common narcotic being smuggled…

(swap)

Out of the universe, using the longest the blast of hydrogen possible.  Once these molecules merged together, they created a completely new set of heavenly bodies.  Some of these coalesced into…

(swap)

Hillary Clinton’s skin mole, which appears to be changing shape with each passing day.  Doctors confirmed today’s recorded image to closely resemble…

(swap)

Walker County, Georgia Commissioner Bebe Heiskell.  Commissioner Heiskell is running on the independent ticket, claiming that another term of her government will yield…

(swap)

Untold destruction and devastation as Russian President Vladimir Putin orders all Russians to bomb shelters designed to withstand just about any weapon NATO could throw at it, but specifically designed to deflect…

(swap)

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s attorneys, who relayed their demands for media scrutiny over their alleged robbery in Paris to cease.  The Hollywood Power couple have stated repeatedly the perpetrators were working for…

(swap)

Operatives of Donald Trump, and are engaged in damage control from the Republican nominee’s latest round of disparaging statements about women, most specifically those who worked while…

(swap)

Fox News Anchor Shepard Smith repeatedly declared that anyone in the path of Hurricane Matthew would die, especially…

(swap)

The Board of County Commissioners of Sumter County, Georgia, who have been discussing ways to better improve funding to law enforcement.  Commissioner Randy Howard is believed to be in full support of…

(swap)

Continued weather reports and traffic updates at the top and bottom of every hour, with breaking news as it happens.  This is Atlanta’s 24 hour news station…

(swap)

Where you can hear all the latest sports talk, including the latest news about the American League playoffs, where the Cleveland Indians appear to be making a run to the World Series.

(looking around) – Wow, I’m back where I started.  Guess I’ll be putting on another episode of Spongebob and taking a long nap.  Maybe read a little Dave Barry while I’m at it and see just how much of his work this blog ripped off.

Note:  the article is satirical in nature and it completely reflects the views and opinions of the website owner.  If you don’t like it, you don’t have to read it.

Breaking News: Yes, it’s really news…maybe

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If Fox and Brian Williams can do it, why can’t I?

We interrupt this blog to bring you the following breaking news bulletins which will never, ever be seen on Fox, MSNBC, CNN, CBS, NBC, ABC or even Infowars…that’s how “facty” they are…

Donald Trump:  The Eternal Super Leader of the Universe has declared all who swear fealty to him share be spared the god of Death prior to the season premier.  Wait, Trump hasn’t purchased the right to Game of Thrones?  Oh, not yet!  Stay tuned.

Hillary Clinton:  America has decided it is “Ready for Hillary” in several states, including Florida, which reports that many precincts are still attempting to count uncounted ballots from the 2000 elections.  Lawyers for Bernie Sanders were unavailable for comment, but Al Gore’s attorneys have offered their services, saying “all we gotta do is change the date!”

Marco Rubio:  Senator Rubio has announced he is suspending his campaign in Florida.  Former Florida Governor and electoral rival Charlie Crist is reported to have asked “when did he actually start?”

Walker County, Georgia:  Commissioner Bebe Heiskell has, repeat, has repaid the loan.  We can confirm it!  The check is in the mail!  The fat lady has sung!  The dogs are in the kennel!  The dudes with the cameras are home now!  You can stop making jokes about her!  We mean it!  We really, really mean it!

Cleveland:  Officials in the Mayor’s office are diligently preparing for the Republican National Convention.  Unconfirmed reports stated Stephen King has been consulted on the feasibility of dropping a giant dome over the poorest parts of the city.

Pyongyang, North Korea:  The American spy who besmirched our good name with his thievery has been sentenced to 15 years of hard labor, and this will be enforced unless we receive our bootleg copies of Games of Thrones immediately.

Office of the Sumter County, Georgia, Commission:  It has been confirmed that sanity has been proposed, but funding for it continues to be denied because that would improve voter turnout and intellect.  Nobody has claimed responsibility for this action at this time.

Hazleton, Pennsylvania:  We can report nothing, we repeat, absolutely nothing happened at the crossroads of Interstates 80 and 81.  Nothing has happened, nothing ever will happen.  It will remain the same, forever!

Office of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker:  Governor Walker is rumored to be ready to declare this “Donald Trump Week”, and named Milwaukee the “City of Trump.”  Animal rights activists oppose this, arguing the potential for a mass slaughter of ferrets.

City of Little Rock, Arkansas:  The City Council announced today it has transmitted a letter to the Governor of New York State regarding Hillary Rodham Clinton which simply reads “No backsies!”

National Football League:  Commissioner Roger Goodell reportedly suspended his secretary for nine games after discovering she spiked his coffee with a performance enhancing substance called “refined sugar.”

United Nations Security Council:  Something actually happened this week at the Security Council, but nobody will admit in writing what.

Antarctica:  Several flocks of penguins were seen smiling and waving.  One even responded to a researcher screaming “Kowalski!”

Facebook:  Facebook officials reportedly shot spitballs at Twitter executives this week, while Snapchat officials sat back and laughed.  Officials for Tumblr, Pinterest and Periscope served as security monitors, but really didn’t care.

Comcast:  The cable giant launched gigabit service in Atlanta today, and it promptly crashed when users uploaded millions of drunken naked pictures from St. Patrick’s Day celebrations.

 

 

Rebutting a rebuttal on Trump in a ‘facty’ sort of way

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I post this blog in the name of good loyal Pastafarians everywhere!

The last few weeks have been super serious and dearly draining for me.  I had begun to actually considering hanging up the keyboard for a while to deal with some personal issues which had been nagging me, when this gem of a comment came in about my commentary about Walker County, Georgia and Donald Trump.  This particular comment, submitted by respectfully alert citizen Lynn Otting, who was kind enough to remind everyone who reads this blog that it is, indeed, not credible .  This is the actual quote, without editing.

Your article may have been worth reading, if it writing wasnt so biased. Comparing sole commissioners to Donald Trump makes very little sense. Just because you think he would be like President Obama, doesn’t make it true, now or in the future. Therefore, when you made comparisons of the them running government the same way, your ethics were seriously compromised.

Ordinarily, I would let this sort of a comment go without a full-blown response.  Hell, I’ve let many things go in my life, mostly out of a lack of desire to engage in battles which have no logically good conclusion, short of watching my brain cells explode like gnats near a bug lite.  This however, rises to the level of such insults as “birther” and “emotional black hole,” and demands a response, so here is my “official comment” to this particular shot across my writing bow.

Dear Ms. Otting:

Thank you for reading my blog.  It is my intent to make this blog entertaining and fun for everyone to the best of my ability.  Unfortunately, this requires I often use “facty” information, which is usually far from factual.  For example, Donald Trump’s hairdo is believed to be derived from the trimmings of a deranged longhaired dog, possibly a Golden Retriever, but that is not yet confirmed.  However, this being said, that qualifies said assertion as “facty.”  It also is a completely satirical statement, meaning it was likely made up for the entertainment value of the audience.

As Dave Barry once said, “Humor is funny.”  He also said once that “Richard Nixon wearing a neck weasel is funny.”  I refuse to degrade the elegantly non-weaseled High Potentate and Eternal Leader Bebe Heiskell with such infantile platitudes, but the “facty” information remains that she has proven, time and again, to be capable of such amazing feats of skill as securing a loan on monies which allegedly “exist,” but now don’t.  Only the Americus City government appears to possess this level of prestidigitation aplomb when it comes to figuring out how to keep citizen comments from being heard during meetings (waiting for several of my readers to look up “prestidigitation” – hint:  think “done with mirrors.”).   As Walker County is far more capable of hiding government errors behind mountainous terrain than Americus is – mainly because the closest thing they have a mountain there is a the giant dome at my alma mater (Go Canes!) – we would expect the Eternal Leader to rise from her perch, falcon like, and impale her mighty talons into all her enemies, vanquishing them immediately, except for those who support Trump.

Finally, this blog is solely intended for the entertainment of our audience.  Any rebroadcast, retransmission to other galaxies far away to fight wars long, long ago will be met with swift and complete retribution from President Barack Obama’s platoon of highly trained and loyal spin doctors, ready to fall on their swords for Hillary Rodham Wilkes-Barre Scranton Hazleton Clinton at a moment’s notice.  Again, thank you for your readership, and keep spreading my delusion.

Kindest regards,

John Guzzardo

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you wrap and insult in a compliment, and shove it down someone’s throat!  Until this comment, I had considered leaving the writing area entirely, finding a deserted island, and hoping a clone of Mira Furlan from Lost would appear.  Instead, I received that comment, and was compelled, for the sake for Pastafarians across the globe, to return to the humor/satire grindstone, and do my best to educate humanity so that when the aliens or flying spaghetti god comes, the first words out of our leader’s mouth aren’t “you’re fired.”  I now realize this blog is a sacred trust, and I trust that it shall eventually become sacred.

Okay, you can all stop laughing at that now.  Seriously.

Two Georgia Counties Who Need a Jedi Mind Trick on Their Leaders

A NASA study recently revealed what much America has been unaware of for several years.  Namely, that quantum singularities can be reproduced, and nowhere is that particular situation more evident than the example provided by the governments of Walker and Sumter Counties, both governmental corporation products based right here in the beautiful state of Georgia.

We have covered the travails of the Walker County government in depth in 2015, but only recently have we learned that the entire county is now on the verge of being swallowed by a singularity created when the entire government collapsed in upon itself, folding time and space in such a fashion that, when Dr. Who reportedly arrived, he popped open the doors to his TARDIS (please don’t ask – I’m not a Dr. Who fan and I really don’t have the patience to explain it), popped his head out, went “yuck,” then subsequently disappeared.  Unfortunately, nobody in the government can be reached to verify this particular incident, though we suspect they all have taken oaths of silence, crawled under rocks, and are waiting for the voters to go home and watch the NFL playoffs.  As for the fiscal situation of the county, it can best be described in the following word:  frothy.  We will leave it at that.

Still, Walker County’s incompetence remains a threat to universal security as it appears to have bled over, via wormhole theory, into Sumter County, Georgia, home to former President Jimmy Carter.  Speaking of which, have you ever noticed how the news media always mention his hometown of “Plains,” and never mentions that Plains is actually a very, very tiny suburb of Americus, the county seat of Sumter County, which happens to be home of my soon-to-be (knocking on every piece of wood in sight) alma mater, Georgia Southwestern State University, as well a great hospital, a good pizza joint, a historic hotel, a Krystal and several thousand citizens and small-business owners who really do care about the community around them but, due to a tragic clerical error at the polls, were saddled with a government which could actually make the combined leadership of the national Republican Party look capable by comparison.  This may, unfortunately, be one instance where Donald Trump becoming head of a government is an improvement.

What makes this all the more astonishing is that Sumter County and, in particular, Americus was once a hotbed for accountable government and, more to the point, forward thinking.  Georgia Southwestern has one of the top Education and Nursing programs in Georgia and, at least as far as I’m concerned, remains an excellent university to attend for the money, and that’s without it having a football program, though it does have a fine tradition of students getting completely hammered at Intramural tailgate parties (don’t ask).  Americus, unfortunately, appears to be suffering from a bit of a leadership vacuum, and I have a crack team of quantum physicists checking to see if outgoing Walker County Commissioner Bebe Heiskell’s former minions are attempting to establish a neo-Sith-style empire in my college town.  Now, bearing that in mind, this wordsmith Jedi may have to break out his mental lightsaber and restore balance to that end of the Force, but that will likely require several thousand gallons of quality adult beverage product in order to power my Jedi mind tricks.  These things don’t exactly work on blind faith, you know.

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Yes, someone WENT there.  No, it was NOT me!

Still, I couldn’t go a week without a mention of the greatest threat to the Force in the history of Star Wars:  namely, Kylo Trump.  Hang on *reading draft copy.*  Never mind that, the copy should have read “Kylo Ren,” but apparently Donald decided to take a cue from Taylor Swift and copyright half of all Star Wars references which Disney hasn’t already gotten their hands on (yes, they do exist…check your local fortune cookie).  According to unconfirmed reports, Kylo Ren has taken up residence in a remote part of the galaxy, while General Leia is attempting to convince Mr. Trump to stop buying shares of Death Star, Inc., and short selling them on the Galactic Republic market.

This, of course, is rubbish, because we all know that Trump wouldn’t buy the stock, but the actual Death Star itself.  In this case, he wouldn’t its remaining parts, or a damned planet, but the whole freaking galaxy, shove the Walker County Quantum Singularity Device into the center of it, and reappear, Sith-like, in the middle of Americus, waving a Florida flag screaming “Bulldogs suck” because…well, he’s Trump and because he’s Trump, he knows he can…or maybe not, but definitely one of the two. Thank you, and may the Force be with you, he, she and it.

Walker County: Boldly Going Where No Pasta Has Gone Before

After all the serious stuff we have been seeing in the news, we need to really start moving on to other serious issues, such as how Walker County, Georgia’s attempted blockbuster deal to acquire a school with a quality nursing program may be historic in the fact that they are acquiring a quality anything.  But first, we must address this looming, alleged, likely fictitious and highly suspect report that NASA is about to launch a pasta-worshiping nitwit to deep space, and it’s not, repeat, not Adam Richmond!

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Now boarding at gate….aw, screw it!

NASA announced last week, in a much ballyhooed statement, that they have been authorized to conduct a reality TV series in which the biggest American dunce would be allowed to be launched into orbit.  While that in itself would be comical, what is concerning is the starship, reportedly named Eagle 10 (Now with Trans-Warp Schwarz!), would be capable of space flight to such locations as Mars, the asteroid belt, and possibly the punk rock planet Thompson 2 in the Ratt system.  Even more worrisome is that the current administration, looking for the least religiously offensive representative possible, may be ready to train a…wait for it…Pastafarian.

Contrary to popular belief, Pastafarians don’t actually worship a bowl of spaghetti.  The actual deity is actually the pasta itself, with meatballs and sauces actually spirits.  This particular religion is dedicated to the cause of peace by way of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, whose existence is explained in this actual passage from the Pastafarian Wiki Page (seriously.)

“According to Pastafarianism, FSM is a benevolent supernatural entity who created the world some 4000 years ago while very drunk, although the world is intentionally built to make humans think it’s older than it really is.”

This particular religion subscribes to several beliefs, but the most important is the Pastafarian Endtime (“Pastageddon?”)  In this situation, the end of the world is decided when the Flying Spaghetti Monster crushes its enemies with its mighty (pause now to swallow your food or soda to prevent choking) meatballs.  Pastafarian belief is actually quite specific about not being racist or homophobic, but mentions “savages such as vegans and barbie co. employees will be crushed like the heathens they are, bloodily and painfully.”  Of course, if first contact occurs, we can count on our Pastafari-nauts to engage in culturally appropriate exchanges, such as demonstrating boiling water, making quality meatballs, and engaging in the age-old debate as to whether it’s called “sauce” or “gravy,” though that last part may want to be omitted to avoid touching off an interstellar war.

While “Pastafarian Trek” is a major issue nationally, a far more regionally sensitive topic has hit the state of Georgia, where a proposed merger between Darton State College and Albany State University in the southwest region of the Peach State may be in jeopardy as the result of a rumored back-door deal between the Office of Walker County Commissioner and Lord High Commander Bebe Heiskell and her government.  The deal, which was reported late at night on a billboard by a group of renegade journalists watching reruns of The Real Ghostbusters, alleges the county of attempting to purchase Darton State from undercover agents posing as ethics investigators and open satellite campuses in the hopes of generating revenue to pay off the reported $10 million hedge fund loan still outstanding.  Calls to the Walker County Auditors Office were apparently misrouted to Donald Trump’s office, because this is the message we received.

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To Trump, or not to Trump!

“This is Donald Trump, Presidential Candidate, dashing billionaire, and all-around ass kicking businessman, speaking on behalf of the Walker County Government.  If you are calling to smear the great Bebe Heiskell and her All-American government which stands for everything which makes America great, you need to take your sorry, illegal loser ass back to Ben Carson’s house and come up with new material.  As always, thanks for Making America Great!”

Darton State College alums, when asked for comment on the matter, reportedly all gagged in unison at the mere mention of being associated with anything in Northwest Georgia, except for Lookout Mountain.  When asked about the Pastafarian Starship, one of the respondents actually lit up a giant spaghetti blunt.

NOTEWORTHY:  Today is the Two Year Anniversary of my readers being able to get in my head!  I would like to thank you all with a prize, but my budget is on a inverse trajectory to the United States Debt Ceiling.  I expect to be debt free and capable of supporting myself independently sometime in 2132.  Thanks for your understanding, support, and numerous recommendations for prescription medications!

Politics and laundry: wash, rinse, spin, repeat, spin, repeat

I settled in Wednesday for an evening of doing laundry.  The clothes are in the machine, the coffee is brewed, and the television is turned on to some quality programming.  And so it begins.

FIRST WASH:

All hail the Great Dear Super Leader!

As the debate began on MSNBC, it was easy to see who would win off the bat:  Bernie Sanders.  His style, wit and candor, combined with his campaign platform, were a populist’s dream come true.  Crazy enough, he wasn’t even there, as it was the Republican debate!

CBS fared much better in the ratings for this period, buoyed by the new hit series, Criminal Minds Antarctica, featuring savvy FBI experts wearing parkas, looking for a renegade band of penguins killing other penguins because they were trotting instead of marching.

The new Trump! Network debuted, showing images of the Amazing Dear Leader Potentate of Glory walking down the stairwell to the debate floor, pitching a fit over the questions about his hair, then threatening to storm out.  The journalist pigs of the evil MSNBC network will suffer the wrath of our great people and our revolution.

FIRST RINSE:

Russian President Vladimir Putin, during a press conference televised live on CNN, announced that Russian jets would begin more aggressive patrols over regions once considered be exclusively American territory.  In an act of good faith, the Obama Administration immediately cedes most of Pasco County, Florida to Russia in exchange for some really crappy vodka.  Putin declares this an act of war.

Back on MSNBC, the Republican Presidential Debate kicks into high gear when former Florida Governor Jeb Bush and Senator Marco Rubio, during a highly contentious moment, agreed that Senator Ted Cruz’s tirade was both “epic,” “awesome” and “excellent.”  They then called each other “bogus.”

TLC debuts its newest feature, Blame it on Facebook, where users get to vent their frustration with the running updates to the social media giant’s interface.  The debut episode was built around various user rants about the latest change to the messaging system, in which missives sent to other users include a link to a website threatening to report every single porn and erotica site ever visited to the North Koreans.

SOFT WASH (adding fabric softener)…

HLN televised a speech by Democratic Candidate Bernie “Show Me the Socialism” Sanders, in which he attacks Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner for his decision to end nude photographs of female celebrities, declaring “both men and women have the constitutional right to look at really hot chicks, and this smacks of sexism.  Seriously, they aren’t doing that with Playgirl, right?”

Trump reportedly considered suing this storm for copyright infringement because it resembled his hair too close.

Switching to The Weather Channel, forecasters begin to plot the possibility that the remnants of Super Mega Ultra Master God Hurricane Patricia would somehow reform and go toe-to-toe with Godzilla.  They later admitted that conditions are favorable for reconstitution into, at the very best, John Boehner’s political career.

FINAL RINSE

Changing the channel over to CBS and clips of the next episode of the hit series Supergirl, a thought occurs to me, partly inspired by Supergirl’s really snazzy suit – it’s interesting how gender changes perception. Example…it is proven, proven, that women almost exclusively read erotica written by other women, and tend to eschew stuff written by men mostly because of the way women approach sex. Now, those of you men who think “eschew” is a sex move, congratulations! You just proved my damned point!

A quick turn back to MSNBC shows Donald Trump and Ben Carson locked in a purple-nurple battle, Ted Cruz screaming at them both “I don’t care who started it, I’m finishing it!”

Back to CNN, where Anderson Cooper reported that Russian aircraft are intensifying bombing of ISIS training camps.  When asked what the Obama Administration’s plan to become involved in the crisis, a spokesman referred all questions to Commissioner Bebe Heiskell’s Office at the Walker County Government Center in LaFayette, Georgia.

SPIN CYCLE

On Fox News, experts are arguing over the definition of “birth certificate,” “Trump,” and “President.”   Moderators suddenly become suspicious of the intent of the experts when it is noticed that one is a crack-addled orange cat and the other is a flightless bird with a ginormous nose.  They immediately cut to a report that Trump is about to open a casino in Chattanooga to compete with a planned casino in Walker County, Georgia.

Back to MSNBC, where the hosts of the Republican Debate suddenly, to their horror, realize the debate was actually supposed to televised on CNBC, but was bumped to their network because Major League Baseball and Fox were arguing over the definition of “going to First Base.”

On ESPN, guests and anchors are debating the merits of the College Football Playoff, the recent upsets in on the college gridiron, and how nobody understands just how important Urban Meyer and Ohio State are to college football.  Of course, everyone is watching another network, mainly because there is no reason to gamble on the outcome of the current program.

Paul Ryan strokes his chin thoughtfully as he ponders The Munsters marathon coming up this weekend.

CBS debuts CSI:  Tampa Bay, in which crime scene investigators attempt to discern the reason the Buccaneers gave up a 24 point lead to the freaking Redskins, who had a backup quarterback and the league’s most anemic offense, but nobody here is bitter.

ABC News reported the Wisconsin Representative Paul Ryan has agreed to become Speaker of the House on the explicit condition that “everyone quit calling me ‘Eddie Munster!'”

Finally, on CNBC, network officials actually cut back to the Republican Debate after realizing they had been actually showing a replay of the 2015 Kitten Bowl.  Ratings plummet immediately.  Trump blames “weakling loser cat lovers.”