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This Super Bowl prediction will fall down and sink into the swamp.

Today’s big game is a gripping matching of two amazing teams, both of whom made it to the big dance to dance the waltz to claim the most coveted trophy in the world of pro sports, the hand of fair maiden Ivanka Trump. Both teams will face enormous challenges and dangers before they can make it to the bridge of Super Bowl Doom, where the Wizard Goodell awaits with the questions which must be answered to reach the Castle Lombardi.

“My Lord, shouldn’t we throw the long bomb against them?” “Unwise, my good Knight! After all, they are from New England, which is close to French speakers.”

The Atlanta Falcons, led by King Ryan, had to face the Green Knight Aaron, though the outcome was never truly in doubt, as Ryan chopped off the defensive, offense and ultimately, the special teams of the Packers. Though it was not a draw, the Packers ultimately yielded to the might of the Falcons, and continued on to the Castle of Houston, but not before Packer fans attempted, in a failed attempt at intimidation, to launch a giant cheese wheel over the edge of the castle, but it backfired, causing the castle to burn down, fall over, and sink into the swamp, which we all know is located at the University of Florida.   Ultimately, football fans everywhere were spared the sight of King Ryan and Prince Julio singing when the good knight Sir Quinn successfully advised them to not engage in a debate with media rabble, who continued to sling shit in the fields.

No word as to if the Falcons were forced to locate a shrubbery in the Georgia mountains and cut it down with a herring.

Outside of Boston, the New England Patriots struggled valiantly against the killer Steelers, but they ultimately proved to be little more than fluffy rabbits as the Steeler defense, shortly before cornering the Patriots, suffered a full shutdown. Of course, this could not happen without Sir Brady deploying the Holy Hand Grenade of Belichick, which blew thine enemy to tiny deflated bits.  The Patriots went to work afterwards, methodically declaring at Steelers players witches and beginning the process of lowering them into the Atlantic Ocean, but not until a Lombardi Trophy-shaped beacon distracted the Steelers enough for the Patriots to score several touchdowns on the Steelers, though Patriot cheerleaders did not administer any spankings. However, the Grand Divine Master Kraft revealed himself shortly after the victory and administered one of the greatest tongue lashings in the history of football when he complained about the officiating and them screamed “Go Pats,” and there was much rejoicing. (yay!).

The Patriots then embarked on their great and noble quest, aided by several hundred gallons of clam chowder because the Falcons had already grabbed all the coconuts, and made their way to the Castle Houston, and now they will face the Falcons in the most devastating battle in the history of mankind – Trash Talk Deflate Rise Up Bowl, which was just now named so because of a pre-emptive Cease and Desist Order Issued by the NFL (aka “GOD”).

As part of my quest to divine the winner, I had to reach the bridge of foul smelling doom., where the Master Wizard Goodell’s question to me was “What is the current residential status of the a California franchise?”  My answer “which one?  Charger or Raider?”  His answer, of course, was “wha?  I, I don’t knowwwwwww!” (we can only hope he is tossed into the pit of judgment.)  Still, there is much to be revealed and and I thought this could be accomplished by studying my cat’s litter stink from deep within the pit.  That was proven a fruitless endeavor when I realized I had actually cleaned their box, so I relied instead on the stink of leftover Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Valentines Day 2001 foodstuffs left in my refrigerator, which has afforded me to the vision needed to reveal MY prediction on who wins the big game.

“It’s a KILLER…wait, no, that the Steelers’ defence.”

In a stunning upset which will eliminate all stink of old crap in the NFL to usher in a new area of healthy, tasty but quickly forgotten trendy culinary treats, the Atlanta Falcons will defeat the New Patriots in a serious classic, with Matt Ryan tossing a long, bean-dip soaked bomb to Julio Jones in the final seconds. Later, it will be revealed that Tom Brady had enough of the NFL, and will request an executive order making him the U.S. Ambassador to Jakku.

Hope you all have a great time watching today’s game and bear in mind, this summary has been issued by a guy who not only doesn’t care too much for either team, but will be watching the Kitten Bowl because it’s, frankly, way more interesting.  As for Ivanka, I’m sure she’ll be happy living in a castle where they flip shit and cows over the walls at their enemies.

And I’m expecting Eric Idle and John Cleese to hit me with C&D Orders any second.  To which I will say one thing.


An Open Letter to Atlanta Falcons Fans

Dear Atlanta Falcons Fans:

As a Buccaneers fans living in the Atlanta area, I would like to congratulate Falcons fans for their team reaching the Super Bowl.  Now this is not the first time the Dirty Birds made it to the big game, but it is, by far, the best Falcons team to get to this point.  Having said that, there are some thoughts which a fan of a one-time Super Bowl champion and division rival would like to share.

  • Be classy in victory or defeat.  Regardless of the outcome, show good sportmanship.  Don’t assault Patriots fans or be belligerent towards non-Falcon fans because they don’t care.  Show America Atlanta is a classy town no matter the outcome.
  • Don’t be like “chowds.”  New England fans are called “Chowderheads” but “chowds” are the arrogant, obnoxious, insufferable jerks who make Cowboy Nation and Raiderfan look like teddy bears.  Some Boston fans wear this monicker as a badge of honor…it isn’t.  Whatever you do, make sure you treat other fans with respect if you win.  Don’t become the entitled spoiled brats who think the Patriots and Red Sox are the unbeatable monsters and deserve to win the titles every year.
  • Remember it’s just a game.  This is not a life and death struggle.  No matter what happens, a Super Bowl win would do wonders for civic pride but it will do little to help poverty and homelessness.  Be kind to your fellow man even in victory because, after all, it is just a game.
  • Enjoy the moment.  Making the Super Bowl is a privilege earned by only two teams every year, and most teams don’t return to win it.  Enjoy this moment because, win or lose, it may not come again.
  • Be responsible.  For the love of God, make sure you get a cab or a bus if you overindulge, and don’t go home angry if they lose.  Be sure to show you are an adult so others aren’t hurt.

Finally, have fun and cheer on your team regardless.  When they get back to Atlanta, no matter the outcome, be proud because they did something only one other team has accomplished this year:  compete for the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

With that said, congrats to the Atlanta Falcons for making it this far.  You deserve it.


A Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan since 1990z

An Alternative Super Bowl Prediction: A Division of the White House-Trumpco

Today is NFL Championship Sunday.  Of course this means the New England Patriots host the Pittsburgh Steelers in the AFC Championship while the Atlanta Falcons host the Green Bay Packers for the NFC Championship, and 3/4ths of the country will not give a flying crap except to see if their checking account is still intact or has been drained of all discernable life.

I could not go through today without weighing in about this day with the help of my cats.  Max, Annabella, Bentley and Rex have all provided their particular predictions on who will win today’s contest by way of their behaviors which, through my amazing powers of feeding them and changing their litter, will attempt to interpret.

Max:  When I mention the Atlanta Falcons, Max makes a bizarre chirping noise which sounds like a cross between a cricket and dinosaur in mating season.  That would correspond well to the sound a Packers fan makes when they had one too many Miller Lite cans.  Prediction:  Packers win by 3 belches…and a field goal.

Annabella:  My youngest cat has very little idea about football, but she likes bright colors.  Sadly, no team has any bright colors so she goes for the team which tosses the ball around the most.  Prediction:  Falcons lose but throw the ball a lot (which is why they lose.)

Bentley:  My oldest cat really don’t give a flying shit about who wins becuase, as far he’s concerned, they are all genetically inferior to him.  Based on that assessment, we are going to assume he is a Pats fan today.  Prediction:  Patriots win and protests ensue.

Rex:  The weirdest cat we own likes to bark like dog, and that means zilch today.  The Georgia Dome will also be rendered meaningless today, as well the Steelers.  Prediction:  Falcons win and so do the Patriots, and they both jump like little boys and girls around the respective trophies.

Now, my Super Bowl matchup prediction, based on the level of stink in my home after a recently collective crapping by all cats, is the Atlanta Falcons vs. the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LI:  Embrace the Stink and Make the NFL Great Again with Alternative Super Bowls.

Have fun and drink one for me.

Hello, it’s the halftime B list for the Big Game

Now performing in play of Adele – this guy.  Yeah, we’re upset too.

The Olympic Games in Rio de Janiero are in full swing, and already important questions are being asked, such as “why do men have to wear t-shirts and women wear bikinis in beach volleyball?”  These critical, life altering, world changing questions are nothing compared to the most pressing issue our of time at this moment – yes, more important than what politicians in a certain south Georgia town whose name shall not be mentioned are doing to shift blame from one thing to another.

I am referring to the fact that Adele may be performing the Super Bowl halftime show in 2017.  Oh crap, I said “Super Bowl,” which means I should expect a royalty bill from the NFL within, oh, five nanoseconds.

Why is this important?  For starters, Adele is a major superstar; yes, even more so that the chicks who fight over the midget groom (he let me call him a “midget,” seriously!) on Jerry Springer.  This means we will likely hear all sorts of Adele songs before the big game as a warm up to the game itself.  I’m expecting to hear Hello played at least 900 times before the first week of the regular season, though Water Under the Bridge would be a good song for many teams to play after week on.  Send Your Love is a great song for ex coaches facing their own teams – or for St. Louis to send to Los Angeles.  There’s plenty of other songs to reference, but one cease and desist letter is bad enough – I don’t need to pile on.  That’s right, NFL – bring it!

That out of the way, there are some amusing alternatives for the halftime show which should be considered, including:

Weird Al Yankovic:  “Dare to be Stupid,” “Eat It,” and “Smells Like Nirvana” would be classics to hear played at the halftime show, though he would likely cook up a parody of Taylor Swift’s dating life.  Come on, you have to admit that would be way funnier than a parody about Haribo Sugar Free Gummi Bears.

Motley Crue:  Their music has been featured in Star Trek, so why not have the group who comedian Denis Leary once said could be in a room with ten tons of cocaine and never overdose in a stadium filled with executives whose nasal stimulant preferences are likely interesting?

Gary Johnson:  Okay, he’s a politician from a third party, but how juicy would it be to hear a speech about whoever wins in November.  Who knows, maybe HE will be the winner!

Snoop Dogg/Lion/Ferret/Whatever the hell he is:  Put Katy Perry next to him in a tight swimsuit and let the fun begin.

Orlando Bloom:  let him do a strip tease for the women.  Hell, Janet Jackson had the wardrobe malfunction, so why not the “equipment reveal?”  It would also be a great way to for the NFL to thank the ladies and give men a chance to get a beer and have an excuse.


Betty White:  Hey, if nothing else it’d be funny as hell!

Well, that’s my suggestions for the halftime show.  I’d offer up Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, the Walker County, Georgia government, or members for the Board of Commissioners of Sumter County, Georgia, but the league is looking for competent entertainers, not the Gong Show.


Thoughts about Super Bowl 50

Thoughts about Super Bowl 50 while riding the freeway.  No, I’m not driving:

What most of us would have rather watched.

The ads for “Deadpool” are already getting old.  What did that take, thirty seconds?

Deion Sanders cracked on Cam Newton’s reaction to losing the Super Bowl.  I wonder how Deion would have reacted to Newton actually tackling him.

Lady Gaga did not look like the Hunger Games’ Effie Trinket.  She looked like Hillary Clinton crossed with Jessica Rabbit.

Coldplay wasn’t just the halftime show.  It was the quality of the game.

Tom Brady getting booed was the best thing seen since Ted Cruz was caught cheating.

Was it just me, or did it look like Peyton Manning was ready to deck his brother for lack of emotion.

As usual, the refs had all the intelligence of turnips.

Come on...you can't say this isn't funny as hell!

The ads were okay, but Super Bowl XXV’s “Bud Bowl III” was the gold standard.  How can you not love a long neck wideout….file that under “things that sound dirty but really aren’t.”

John Elway still looks like a horse.

Defense wins championships.  Period.

Bring on baseball season.

Ten interesting Super Bowl facts

  1. The name “Super Bowl” was reportedly derived from the name of a children’s toy used by the child of late Chief’s owner Lamar Hunt, a “Super Ball.”
  2. The franchise with the most NFL Championship appearances pre-Super Bowl has never been to a Super Bowl: The Cleveland Browns.
  3. The only team in NFL to go undefeated remains the 1972 Miami Dolphins, who went 14-0. When the New England Patriots lost the New York Giants, the bottle of Dom Perignon the remaining alums of that team keep for their annual “toast” was popped open quickly.

    Still not as awesome as the Stanley Cup.  Just sayin.
  4. The Vince Lombardi Trophy, awarded to the Super Bowl winner, is made of sterling silver.
  5. The first “Super Bowl,” known then as the First World Championship, AFL vs. NFL, was not a sellout. Played at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, it drew just over 63,000 fans for a stadium with a capacity of over 90,000.  It was also broadcast on two networks, due to the fact the NFL had a contract with CBS and the AFL with NBC.
  6. There has never been a Super Bowl played in overtime.
  7. Prior to September 11, 2001, only one game was ever played in official declared wartime, Super Bowl XXV, played in Tampa, Florida, home to U.S. Central Command which was relocated to Saudi Arabia to oversee command operations for Operations Desert Storm (Gulf War I).
  8. Super Bowl XXXVI, the first played after the attacked of September 11, 2001, featured a last-minute logo change to help unite the nation, as well as a special memorial performance by halftime entertainers U2. Lead singer Bono appeared on stage for “Beautiful Day” wearing a jacket with a American flag-inspired liner, and the names over thousands lost appeared on screens to either side of the stage.
  9. The largest Super Bowl odds spread in history was 18 points, and that was for Super Bowl XXIX, in which the San Francisco 49ers and San Diego Charges combined for 75 points, a Super Bowl record to this day.
  10. The greatest upset in Super Bowl history remains Super Bowl III, in which the Baltimore Colts, the NFL Champions, were a 17 point favorite to defeat the AFL Champion New York Jets. The Jets won, 16-7.

Some errors and “epic fails” in the world of historic preservation

This week I was reading Antoinette J. Lee’s Historians As Managers of the Nation’s Cultural Heritage, and it got me to thinking about historic preservation and hindsight.  Upon some reflection, I’ve actually come to the realization that we, as a nation, missed some prime historic preservation opportunities in both noble and misguided ways.

A view of the Orange Bowl in Miami Florida, the site of Super Bowl III when the New York Jets defeated the Baltimore Colts 16-7 on 1/12/1969 in front of 75,377 fans in attendance.   Super Bowl III - New York Jets vs Baltimore Colts - January 12, 1969 (AP Photo/NFL Photos)
A view of the Orange Bowl in Miami Florida, the site of Super Bowl III when the New York Jets defeated the Baltimore Colts 16-7 on 1/12/1969 in front of 75,377 fans in attendance. Super Bowl III – New York Jets vs Baltimore Colts – January 12, 1969 (AP Photo/NFL Photos)

The Orange Bowl (Miami, Florida).  This structure met the wrecking ball as part of the construction of Marlins Park, but should have been preserved for a few very important cultural reasons.  Not only was it the longtime home to a college football program which nearly fell to the budget axe only to rise to superstardom in the 1980s (University of Miami), an event which long predates that near-miss is justification enough.  This was the site of Super Bowl III, in which Joe Namath managed to make good on his legendary pre-game “guarantee” and led the New York Jets past the heavily favored Baltimore Colts, 16-7.  This legitimized not only the American Football League as a competitor to the NFL, it also set the stage for the modern Super Bowl, a multi-billion dollar enterprise and de facto American holiday.  Moreover, its replacement, Marlins Park, will cost over $1 billion to taxpayers when the bonds used to finance construction are finally paid off, according to NBC Sports, and there is no prepayment discount.  Contrast that with the fact the Orange Bowl’s total construction cost, had it been built in present day, would have been just a hair over $5.5 million.

Cleveland’s “Old Stone Church” is shown here in mid-restoration to remove a century of soot accumulated from the city’s booming, coal and oil-driven industrial base.

Old Stone Church (Cleveland, Ohio).  Now a gleaming testament to the nobility of the restoration sentiment, this church would have, at least in this writer’s opinion, been better served to have never been cleaned at all as a reminder of this nation’s willingness to expand at any cost. According to Cleveland Historical, the current incarnation of this structure was constructed in 1853, but time soon turned against it, with it’s sandstone exterior absorbing the contaminants spewed into the air by Cleveland’s burgeoning heavy industries.  The soot which gave the church its decades-long blackened look was carefully removed in the late 1990s as part of a restoration project for Cleveland’s Public Square.  Despite it being done in the name of a noble effort at urban revitalization, a far more worthy project may have been to educate visitors and citizens alike on the excesses of unregulated capitalism during the laissez-faire days of the late 19th and early 20th century, which the former incarnation of the church could have been used as a centerpiece of a historic walking tour of the effects on America’s environment of John D. Rockefeller, et al.

Florida's U.S. highway signs were once made in color, setting the Sunshine State apart in how it signed federal roads.  The signs were eliminated in the mid 1990s under federal instruction.
Florida’s U.S. highway signs were once made in color.

Colored U.S. Highway Signs (Florida).  Colloquially known as “Kodachromes” among highway enthusiasts, these signs graced the Sunshine State for over a quarter century before Federal Highway Administration funds were threatened.  According to US-Highways.com, a highway enthusiast website, federal regulations were rewritten to prohibit anything but black-and-white highway shields. Ironically, the colored signs cost the same as the general-issue signs mandated by the federal government, but Florida ceased manufacture and in 1993, began full replacement with the black-and-whites.  Rather than take the “long view” and save the signs for posterity as historic relics of Florida’s population and tourism boom, many were either discarded, or absconded with in favor of the utilitarian, standard-issue black and white signs.  Much like the “US 66” trailblazers, these color coded signs are a unique part of America’s transportation history, lost to government regulatory changes.   Two technical oddities about these signs:  “Alternate” route signs were reversed in color from their parent highway (Alt. US 19/US 19) and only one sign was a reverse black/white, US Highway 98.  Despite best efforts by highway historians, most of these signs no longer exist.

The Old Man on the Mountain,  a tourist attraction and symbol of New Hampshire crumbled off the side of Cannon Mountain. This photo was taken in August, 2001.
The Old Man on the Mountain, taken before its 2003 collapse.

Old Man of the Mountain (New Hampshire).  Mother Nature got the better of us with this one.  This granite formation, which stood for centuries, eventually yielded to physics and weather in 2003 when the formation crumbled.  This dealt a devastating blow to New Hampshire tourism, as well as a deep bruise to the pride of New Englanders.  The one piece of solace which can be taken from this is that it was not so much a failure of preservation (there would have been no way to preserve the formation, anyway) as much as it was a failure of foresight that it took nearly a decade to build a historic sight commemorating it. (Source:  Old Man of the Mountain Legacy Fund.)

The yellow cars of the Los Angeles Railway are historic icons which we abandoned in favor of its now infamous freeway network.
The yellow cars of the Los Angeles Railway are historic icons which we abandoned in favor of its now infamous freeway network.

The Los Angeles Railway (aka “LARy”).  This is a failure not so much because of the fact the Railway was shuttered in the first place to create the nation’s largest continuous traffic jam, but instead because it took until 2011 to recognize the value of the streetcar system as an alternative to both the freeways and the highly unpopular boondoogle that is the L.A. Subway.   Had a cursory attempt been made at preservation of, at the very least, the rail infrastructure, the iconic yellow cars could have been recreated to provide an innovative, fun means of teaching transportation and cultural history of both Los Angeles and the entertainment industry as a whole.  Not to mention the benefit to area commuters.  Consider this:  in its heyday, the Los Angeles Railway was considered on par with San Francisco’s famed cable cars and New York’s subway system as the best mass transit system  in North America.  In fact, a line to that effect was featured in the 1988 groundbreaking film Who Framed Roger Rabbit, in the while the Railway system was itself featured as the victim of the fictional developer, Cloverleaf.  The Orange Empire Railway Museum has a collection of 25 of the original streetcars used in the system which, at one time, had a million people living within a mile of its lines.

What remains of Candlestick Park, once home of the NFL's 49ers and baseball's San Francisco Giants.
What remains of Candlestick Park, once home of the NFL’s 49ers and baseball’s San Francisco Giants.

Candlestick Park (San Francisco).  Yes, it was drafty and an eyesore to many, but the “Stick” has historic significance for a number of reasons, not least of which being that it was the site of the only World Series on record to be called on account of an earthquake, a disaster named in a 2014 article by Real Clear Sports as its fifth most infamous sports moment in history.  In fact, the article mentioned the earthquake’s length, only 15 seconds, may have been what saved the ballpark itself, as broadcaster Al Michael’s admitted any worse of an earthquake and he would have been killed.  Nonetheless, Candlestick Park should have been preserved not just as an historic monument for commemorating Willie Mays and Joe Montana, but as a testament to modern architecture and the ability of human engineering to withstand the pounding nature can throw at it.  Instead, it is simply a spot on the ground.

Do you have thoughts about this, or maybe there’s a historical preservation fail you want to share? Post it in the comments section, or go to my website, www.getinjohnshead.com, click the “Contact” link and share it!