Tag Archives: sex

Some legit reasons men just won’t commit

This is the season for many to become serious about relationships, and Valentine’s Day is one of the most high-pressure days for men in the Western World. Ladies, it’s easy to become annoyed and frustrated with your man when he refuses to commit, but there are often some valid reasons for his cold feet. While I am not a relationship expert, counselor, or qualified professional, here are some legitimate laypersons reasons as to why men are not prepared to commit to a serious relationship.

What Have I DoneOnce bitten, twice shy: when a man is deeply wounded in a previous relationship, scars exist. Even if there’s been a so-called “rebound,” it’s not uncommon for a man to want to take his time, or even never fully commit. While most who have come out of a damaging relationship or brutal breakup are encouraged to take some time to themselves, the desire to jump back in to avoid the “lonely bug” can be too great to resist, but with that comes a fear of repeating past mistakes.  This is especially true of relationships where one or both sides were abusive.  Healing time is needed.

kate-winslet-ned-kiss-zA torch still ablaze: guys, we’ve all been there – that woman we once had the strongest feelings on earth for, be it a friend or lover, and then our hopes are dashed. That one “who got away” is the stuff of best-selling love songs.  We try to get past her to move on to someone better.  Still, the fire smolders, waiting for any perceived breath of fresh of air to rekindle it anew, and set our hearts ablaze yet again.  Teensy problem with that; we meet a truly wonderful and committed woman, and that particular little fire still burning in our hearts needs a different fuel for combustion. Until that fire is put out, a new flame cannot hope to burn steady and bright.  The man in your life needs time to put the past behind him, and sometimes a “walkabout” of sorts is needed.

Bachelorhood just feels good: for many men, being single is a great thing. After all, there is nearly zero accountability, zero need to change and almost no risk. By jumping into a committed relationship, the notion of having to actually work with someone, compromise and change oneself for the better ensues. That’s scary enough, but combine that with the idea of children, pets or meeting family, and it feels like a sensory overload most men just are not ready for.  Time won’t cure this one; only maturation will.

yellingUnreasonable expectations: ladies, here’s where it gets unpopular. It’s very easy for women to decide they want a commitment from a man who is, honestly, just doesn’t want it. It could be any number of reasons, but the fact is some men just around ready for commitment, and some never will be. The worst situation of all are men who commit for the wrong reasons, such as custody of children or financial reasons. These almost always devolve into explosive and dangerous breakups.  Communicating expectations is key here, but even the most thorough communication may result in an ending.

Ultimatums: Any self-respecting man, or woman for that matter, will walk away from an ultimatum to be committed. If you tell your beloved “if you won’t commit, I’m out,” you should expect to be alone, period. To give any significant other an ultimatum to commit can be regarded as holding someone hostage emotionally, even if the person being held hostage is the ultimatum giver. Once you’ve gotten to the ultimatum point, the relationship is likely on borrowed time.

Finally there is Superstition: this is the one reason some men use and it’s based on the notion that Valentine’s Day commitments, proposals and such are bad luck. Now, that being said, it’s easy to have serious regrets about saying “yes” in the hoopla of the day. It’s even more common for a woman to not want to let her man down by saying no to that diamond ring. Many relationships which escalate on this day often fail down the road, so many men are skeptical about the validity of proposing in any way on Valentine’s Day.

Some of us just won’t be good commitment material, and sometimes it’s a matter of feeling “they can do it, why can’t I?”  We’ve all been there, and some of us grow out of it faster than others.  So ladies, cut your man a small break if he’s unable to commit.  Let him tell you in his way, in his time but, be aware, some men really aren’t ready to take that big leap. Be kind, compassionate and loving, but firm. Don’t let him hold you hostage, but don’t hold him hostage either. Compassion and love goes far further than demands and frustration, and the commitment which can result may be the best thing you’ve ever known.

A misconception about “friend-zoning,” and what can be done

I recently read a post about the dreaded “friend zone” and saw some genuinely caustic remarks from both men and women about they are tired of hearing this term.  One man said the old refrain of women are not “just machines you can put a few tokens in and hope sex comes out.”  While this is a truism, these gripes and calls to stop using this term and it’s more aggravating related “family zone” slang actually raises a counter argument few want to consider:

This isn’t about sex; it’s about a sense of frustration with people going after the “wrong” instead of the perceived “right.”

Let’s face it; we all make this mistake at some point.  There’s that man or woman who we befriend, get to know and, somehow, absolutely fall head over heels for and take a chance on pursuing it.  For whatever reason, the feeling just isn’t mutual.  Whether it is as basic as a lack of physical attraction, a deep seated fear of wrecking a good friendship, or something  much deeper which makes a relationship impossible, one thing is certain.  This situation absolutely sucks. 

It’s a perfect lesson of “life’s not fair,” but fairness is still essential in one regard, and this is a matter which many who are tired of hearing the term “friendzone” don’t want to admit.

It’s not about sex; it’s about feelings.

Let’s be real; if a so-called “friend zone” situation was just about sex, it wouldn’t hurt near as much.  It would be a mere ego bruise; yes, a deep one in some cases, but still just ego.  The reason these situations hurt is that emotions, however misguided, have been invested.  Yes, said emotions can border on obsession, and sometimes people have a right to be nervous about the person whose unreturned affections have become stronger than expected, but in most cases, the person who was “relegated” figures out a way to deal with it, even if that means being whiny about it or removing themselves from their beloved life for a while.  Pop culture can spin it all they want; a genuinely painful friend zone experience is not about sex.  Making it about sex is little more than a tacit dismissal of the validity of someone’s feelings, and often that’s a defense mechanism to assuage guilt or anger at oneself.

Sorry to say it, but we all do that.  If you need proof, just remember how badly you bad mouthed that ex from your last really bad breakup.  You likely bitched about him or her to your buddies or girlfriends.  They were the devil incarnate.  Your BFF was likely ready to throat punch them when it was all said and done but, eventually, you burned through those emotions like a fire in a paper factory.  It’s human nature and everyone who’s been hurt does it.

There is, however, a huge difference between a “friend zone” and a break up.  In a breakup, there was a relationship of some sort which had a romantic element.  In a “friend zone,” somehow a seed of expectation was planted in the mind of the heartbroken.  That expectation is never realized, and it causes an emotional reaction due to rejection.  Whether it was justified by the actions of their beloved or a delusion of sorts, the heartbreak is the direct result of this unrealized expectation.  There is one other thing we all need to face (those who have suffered the friend zone bug recently really should pay attention here):  being “friend zoned” is, at a fundamental level, rejection.  No amount of rationalization or justification can dismiss this.  Still, rather than statement of moral judgment, it is simply defining the core issue, that many friendzone heartbreaks are actually not the result of the lack of attraction, but a much deeper issue – the insecurities triggered by this feeling of rejection. 

For those of you tired of feeling “judged” for “friendzoning” someone, it’s time to face an uncomfortable truth:  there are expectations leading to the feelings of rejection which can, in fact, be created by the person doing the rejecting.  Regardless of how much one denies “leading them on,” sometimes a behavior by the rejecting person creates the expectation, however unintentional .  It could be something as simple as habitually flirtatious behavior, or something as easily misread as an invitation to dinner.  That seed of expectation, if identified early, can be corrected to preserve the friendship prevent an awkward or painful situation.  One other thing to consider; those are well aware of their behaviors, whether it is the rejected or the one rejecting,  tend to become most defensive when called out about it.  This is not to say someone should apologize, but a means to understand the “why” of the heartbroken – granted, some folks have conditioned  themselves, out of necessitiy, to be dispassionate towards those whose hearts they break, but that comes with this territory.

Let’s be clear about one thing before going any further; this is not giving those who disrespect rejection a free pass.  Being hurt is one thing; griping to friends or family is natural and a part of life, but to retaliate in any way which causes physical harm to the rejecting party, or causes them fear of such, is not acceptable.  Those who engage in this sort of behavior need to seek immediate help.  Those who are heartbroken and considering self harm as from rejection also need to seek help.

Regardless of what people may think, those who choose to cope by talking to friends and family, even if it means complaining about the situation, or the person involved, are doing something which is quite healthy.  It is a means of humanizing the person for whom an unhealthy or unrealistic expectation was centered around.  Sometimes it means distance and isolation from that friend, but one fact remains, and it’s one which people who are tired of hearing this term need to come to grips with; a real “friendzoning” is not about sex, but genuine heartbreak.  Sadly, in the extreme case, the friendship must be ended for both parties own good.

To those who have been on the “zoning” end, do you and your friend a few favors, especially if you truly respect them and your friendship.  Give yourselves both time and healthy space to heal.  Show you care, but be detached enough that you can explain things in a healthy, compassionate way which doesn’t reopen the wound.  If that person can’t get you out of their head, encourage them to seek help or, at the least, ask mutual friends to help out.  Also, be gentle, understanding and forgiving.  That friend is suffering a deep wound, and it often takes a long time to heal because their confidence has been shattered.  Above all, never talk to them about your romantic or sex life.  That’s literally akin to giving a suicidal person a loaded gun with the safety removed.  Let them heal, be supportive (even if at a distance) and please remember the prime rule of karma; what goes around does come around. You’d want that friend to be just as caring and tender with you, right?

I’m no expert.  Just speaking from experience, and I hope this helped out a few folks who are either suffering with rejection to struggling with the “why me” question about how someone can feel that way about you when you don’t feel the same way.  The heart wants what it wants but, fortunately, that feeling is often fleeting, even if that fleeting moment lasts longer than expected.  Remember, what you put out is what you get back.  If you put out respect, caring and tenderness, it ultimately gets returned.

Whale Phallology: You really DON’T want to know, but you’ll read anyway

It’s always bad form to discuss genitalia in a public forum, unless you can somehow tie it to an election issue and something stupid in the news. As is expected, I will attempt to do just that. Fortunately, I have been given a bit of a gift from a friend who shall remain nameless here only because I have no clue what inspired her to find this, but it seems there is a Whale Penis Museum.

Actually, let’s be clear: it is not devoted exclusively to the Whale Penis. That is a small (rim shot) part of a greater whole (another rim shot). The exhibit is part of the Icelandic Phallological Museum, which is dedicated to the collection and study of all things phallic. Their website is remarkably academic in how it presents the specimens (yes, I am attempting to contain my laughter at these puns) but the mission statement alone is quite astounding in its devotion to the academia of the male genital part.

The Icelandic Phallological Museum is probably the only museum in the world to contain a collection of phallic specimens belonging to all the various types of mammal found in a single country. Phallology is an ancient science which, until recent years, has received very little attention in Iceland, except as a borderline field of study in other academic disciplines such as history, art, psychology, literature and other artistic fields like music and ballet. Now, thanks to The Icelandic Phallological Museum, it is finally possible for individuals to undertake serious study into the field of phallology in an organized, scientific fashion.

As hard as it might be to believe, this museum consists of some amazing artwork and metalwork, glass and stone craft, all with the male apparatus in mind. Also, what the hell is phallic ballet? Never mind, forget I asked! Of course, the real draw seems to be the Whale Penis Exhibit. Iceland, once a proud whaling culture, culled many a whale member for a variety of uses, none of which can be divulged without risking a serious “Beavis & Butthead” style fit of uncontained laughter. Some of the pieces are reputed to be as tall as five feet! Let it be known throughout the land…there is no car economical enough to compete with Whale Johnson.

That would be all well and good, but now comes word that a whale can spew almost 40 gallons of semen during one mating session? Crazier still, much of that doesn’t even get into the female whale. Of course, it’s possible a recently circulated picture of the same male whale in writhing passion, love machine flipping about like an out of control sea serpent, could just be in the process of audition for the next season of Game of Thrones: Whale Edition. How do we know what really turns a whale on? Is it Hillary? Is it Donald? Is it word of an unscrupulous funeral home owner being freed? Is it the notion of Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston dating, or could it just be the most disgusting, fundamentally gross notion of earth: whale porn.

We will likely never know, so I shall retire to my table near the beach with my delicious blue rare steak and HEY!!! What the hell is all this crap? I didn’t ask for white gravy!

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Random thoughts of digression and other crap

Over the past few months, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things and I realized that there are so many inspirational memes and blog posts out there, we need to balance it out.  Here are some pieces of wisdom I have picked up along the way.  I promise to be gentle but I do warn you, it’s gonna be a little rough in spots.  Of course I do this out of love.  I want all my readers to love life and laugh, because I honestly can’t locate my medication and I’m not entirely convinced that the Affordable Care and Patient Patent Pending Pharmaceutical Usury Protection Act (MRSA) will do the job.  Crap, I digressed already?  New record.  Away we go:

  • That dream you have of a fairy tale romance is about as likely as a full reboot of Firefly.
  • Remember those CDs you loaned out ten years ago?  Pawned.
  • Your significant other did eat the last Twinkie and smoke the last cigarette, but they still blamed the dog.  Worse still, they believe it.
  • Hillary isn’t Palpatine.  No, Luke, she is his mother. “Soooooooo??!!”
  • Game of Thrones is only big because people don’t want to admit they like soft core porn to go with brutal battle scenes and deaths.  You may March me naked to my beheading now.
  • That roach you killed yesterday?  There’s 300 gazillions where it came from, and they’re all saying “that’s cute.”
  • A cat can be indifferent towards you for hours at time, which means they are qualified to run for congress at 5 years old.  Funnier still they’d probably do a better job.
  • I could drop a million cuss words in this particular sentence and nobody would remember the rest of this post because, let’s face it, profanity is what we remember, asswipe.
  • No one man can kill your dreams unless you allow him.  Of course, staying alive is a dream too many so technically…..crap, didn’t think that one through.
  • Bigotry is bad, unless your cat is racist against vermin.  I don’t know of anyone who would have trouble with a cat killing a mouse because, well, it’s a mouse.
  • If your Christmas tree is up all year round, you’re either lazy or Floridian.  We just do things different.
  • The last one should always shut out the lights, unless the second to last is staying to seduce the last.  See, there’s an exception to every rule of you look hard enough.
  • Forget about true love…focus on finding a truly good cook who enjoys making food for you and laughs at your worst jokes. Male or female.  I couldn’t go the whole blog without genuine wisdom.
  • Smile even if your annoyed because, let’s face it, looking like a serial killer does have its advantages. 

Feel free to meme the living fucking shit out of this blog post.  See, I saved the most memorable passage for last.

Superheroes so lame, you…oh, nevermind just read it.

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The Practice Squad is so lame, even THESE guys would rather be free agents.

The recent success of Captain America: Civil War had got me to thinking (Homeland Security has been advised of this, by the way) about some everyday “superhero” type characters nobody would bother to create.  Granted, this sort of idea was attempted with the ill-fated 1990s movie adaptation of the comic book “Mystery Men,” in which the awesome William H. Macy, as The Shoveler, was simply awesome.  Also, Ben Stiller played a really pissed off dude, but that’s besides point.  Before the post devolves into a complete Sumter County vs. Walker County shootout over whose Board of County Commissioners are the bigger crooks (you think I’d miss that dig?), let’s jump headlong into the world of comic book superheroes who aren’t even really “the other guys,” but the “other other other other guys,” the Rand Pauls and Liz Warrens of the superhero world, if you get my drift.  So, in that spirit, let’s call them the “Practice Squad.”

Passive-Aggressive Man:  His powers come from common element Assholium which, in high concentrations, alters the state of ordinary people into becoming really annoying ordinary people with major league anger issues.  Those powers include the ability to engage in monologues in which he plans to destroy his enemies, but really doesn’t want to because he cares too much, and the rare superpower of being able to walk away angry and grumbling and not caring, only to come back and attack with everything he’s got.  What really pisses him off is the fact his name actually acronyms to “PAM,” and he happens to have a sidekick named Jim, which of course results in his archenemies cracking myriad “Office” jokes at his expense.  His weakness is being anywhere near Scranton, Pennsylvania.

Miss Anti-Relationship:  Her powers are derived from the elements Bichslapium and Assholium both being present in her blood which, when combined in the heat of battle, alters her personality such that she begins to scream and rant and rave and pull hair and scratch and claw, and that’s not even in the playful, wild romp in the bedroom sort of way.  No, Miss Anti-Relationship’s superhero mission is to save all women from the destructive power of male dominance in a relationship.  Oddly enough, she has designs on Passive-Aggressive Man, who really doesn’t want a relationship with her but still is affectionate and caring because, seriously, who the hell else is gonna do it?  Her weakness is Chris Hemsworth.  That’s it.

Whogivesafuq:  This hero’s superpower is actually rare – he has the ability to simply not care about anything at will.  A speeding train carrying the entire population of, say, Lafayette, Georgia could fall off a cliff into a ball of fire and he would look down, shrug his shoulders, and simply say “oh well.”  This superpower is derived from the element Dooshbagium, which occurs in small quantities but, when introduced to neurotransmitters, has the ability to cause a complete shutdown.  Most humans actually go into fatal emotional paralysis from this, but Whogivesafuq, thanks to his highly evolved sense of nihilism, could give a crap less about that too.  He can usually be found skulking around bars and taverns, trying to act interested when he really isn’t.  His lone weakness is when he gets interested in something, his powers of indifference evaporate instantly.

The Swinger:  Do not confuse this superhero with “Swinger,” whose sole superpower is getting a piece of action whenever he wants.  The Swinger (he’s very sensitive about this) holds the superpower of being able to hit a softball on target at will, smacking dogs, cats, children, windows, security systems, even nuclear warhead activation suitcases.  He’s just that good!  His superpowers come from the rare element homerunium, which instills a highly competitive spirits and an unrelenting desire to relive his glory days playing intramural softball in college.  He reserves his powers to fighting crimes such as bad calls in baseball games, where he uses his ability to knock out the umps with a single ball to the head.  His main weakness is the fact he can’t stand a blown call.

Bustierra:  This superheroine almost always works in tandem with other superheroes because of her power of distraction.  Her base element is actually common:  silicone (rim shot).  She also possessed the highly rare element slutygen, which endows her with the ability to woo both male and female enemies with her “weapons,” if you get our drift.  Her powers of distraction work best with The Swinger, who uses his balls and bat (this particular character description is getting very Freudian now) to subdue adversaries.  Her lone weakness is homeopathic remedies.

And the final member of the Practice Squad:

Fangirl:  This superheroine generally tags along with Passive-Aggressive Man and “Jim” but can operate quite well on her own in the presence of celebrities.  Her superpower is fawning over villains and wildcards she admires to put them into a false sense of security, then knocking them down off the pedestal she placed them upon with wreckless abandon.  The element she derives her powers from, crazium, is common in most people but Fangirl has managed to synthesize high quantities within her blood because of her propensity to down energy drinks in rapid succession.  Her lone weakness is Mark Hamill voicing any incarnation of the Joker.  Her archenemy is any Harley Quinn fan.

With their powers combined, they create the most dangerous weapon ever devised by a group of people who really have too much time on their hands:  the Death Meme!  So there you have it, the Practice Squad is coming to a city, suburb, unincorporated area, or Sheriff’s race near you.  Check your local polls for times, channels, and latest rumor.

Male infertility: five things to consider

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Infertility in men is just as devastating as it is for a woman.

There are a great many things in this life I have struggled with in recent years, but none so difficult as my own infertility.  Based on my own personal struggle to square societal-driven notions of manhood against my inability bear children with the woman of my choosing, I’d like to offer up five profound struggles men who face infertility deal with on a daily basis.  There are a ton of websites out there supportive of the female end of the equation, but precious little for men.  I figured I’d offer my own insights and story, in the hopes it can comfort my brothers who are unable to help conceive.

  1. Constant feelings of inadequacy.  Men who are infertile face a fundamental problem in their lives, even if they put up a brave face about – we feel inadequate.  We live in a society where adoption is offered as an alternative, but it never completely substitutes for the feeling of joy  knowing a baby is on the way.  Also, for those fathers whose adopted children have so many mental and emotional scars from being in “the system,” being called “Dad” is often elusive, if it happens at all.  That leaves us with the trauma of feeling “close, but no cigar” on so many occasions. Yes, some men feel happy they don’t have children to tie them down, but many of us really would have loved the opportunity to have a family.
  2. “What did I do wrong?” A man who cannot conceive often has no clue why.  If it is something easily correctable, such as a blood vessel wrapped around the ducts leading from the testicular region, that’s one thing. In many cases, young boys suffer physical trauma at the hands of pediatricians who are either poorly skilled or, worse still, hostile towards the issues facing young boys.  For this reason, examinations of reproduction areas frequently cause damage which is either irreversible or requires extremely expensive and risky surgery.  No amount of herbal supplements, boxers, ice or fertility enhancement can make the testicles produce more sperm if they are either damaged or genetically abnormal.  This leaves a man who is clinically, not functionally, infertile wondering what could have been done differently.  The answer is, sadly, nothing.  It’s what it is, and it hurts deeply.
  3. A pervasive feeling of unattractiveness. Scientific studies have shown women emit more pheromones when fertile, making them more attractive due to their “Scent” among men.  There are very few studies done with men when it comes to fertility and attractiveness, but any man who knows he’s infertile will tell you this – we feel a distinct disadvantage in the dating and mating pool.  We could be the most physically and mentally attractive person on earth but, when it comes down to it, “missing out” on that one person we really care for will always raise that question in the back of our minds as to whether our inability to conceive is something a woman can sense.  It’s not uncommon, at least for me, to see a pregnant woman and be happy, but also wonder if I’m lacking something and that’s why I struggled socially growing up and into my early twenties.  Yes, it does affect confidence, and that can cause myriad issues for a man in today’s world well beyond relationships.
  4. Profound sense of loss. Losing the ability to bring new life into the world is more than just a death, it is the feeling of never being given the opportunity.   There is no way to compare it to the death of a living being because, rather than being able to bring that life into the world, the option was seized from a man before he even had a say in the matter.  Learning one is infertile can only be described as having a rite-of-passage stolen from under your nose in the night while you slept.  You wake up, and you know that, deep inside, you’ve lost something and there is absolutely no way to get it back.  Grieving requires constant support, and many simply do not know how, or lack the ability or patience, to offer that sort of support.
  5. Legal and moral dilemmas. Catholic Canon Law is specific – impotent and infertile men cannot be married.    Many states and other faiths allow for uncontested divorce by the wife if the man is found to be incapable of bearing offspring, and many women choose to divorce their husbands when they learn they cannot have bring life into the world.  To these individuals, adoption is not an option and for the men who love them, it’s a wound which cuts so deep, it’s often takes a lifetime to recover.  In a society which prizes nuclear families above all else (at least on the surface,) this sort of thing is like a thermonuclear device being set off within the psyche.

Translating break-up statements, in highly sarcastic fashion

Time for a little biting sarcasm again.  We’ve all heard these “breakup” statements, sometimes stated as ultimatums, and sometimes just a cover for what they really mean.  Based on personal experience (and most of it highly questionable, erroneous, and the result of cat dander-induced hallucinations), here are some “translations” for some of the more common breakup statements and post-breakup battle cries.

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Wow Miley!!! Hate much?

Statement:  It’s not you, it’s me

Translation:  You’re a needy, crazy, weird person and I’d rather drink sulfuric acid through a straw than ever be in the same area code as you.

Statement:  Random Bible Verse

Translation:  I’m using religion to assuage my conscience for being a complete jerk to you.

Statement:  Sometimes it’s because you’re stupid and you make bad choices.

Translation:  I have zero empathy for anything you’ve ever been through, but you can bet your sweet ass that I’ll be whining like a little baby when I need assistance or an ear to bend.  Oh, and I’ll be talking massive shit about you.

Statement:  Girl power

Translation:  Men are pigs, but I’ll admit that I’m scared to freaking death that what I did at (insert drunken party here) has been recorded somehow and will come back to bite me in the ass because, hey, that’s how it happens.  Until then, I repeat, men are pigs.

Statements:  Bitches are crazy

Translation:  I got dumped, so that entitles me to sleep with a bunch of women, be a total douche, and stop caring about the female gender ad infinitum.

Statement:  Get over yourself

Translation:  (Mostly interchangeable with “grow up.”)  I’m sick and tired of your drama.  I’ve got enough drama of my own to deal with, and believe me that my drama is way worse than your drama.

Statement:   Grow up

Translation:  See also “get over yourself,” but add this – show no emotion, be tough, be a jerk, and follow a stereotype, because our respective gender (male or female) wants to have it both ways.

Statement:  You need to do something productive with your life.

Translation:  Your chosen profession will make you a social and financial outcast and nobody will want to spend a life with you because you are going to be broke and nobody in their right mind wants to be with a broke person because all broke people are losers.

Statement:  Quit trying so hard

Translation:  Relax and let the game come to you.  Yes, easier said than done, but essential to your success and sanity.  (Note:  this one is actually encouraging)

Statement:  I’m not the one for you.

Translation:  In almost every case, this one can be taken literally.  The exception is if that person was unfaithful, then it simply means “I’ve got a new horse in the stable, so mush!

Statement:  You do have a lot to offer the right person

Translation:  I’m really not sure what you have to offer, but I have to say something so I don’t feel like a complete asshole for ditching you with some shallow ass explanation like you’re broke, you suck in bed or you aren’t good looking enough for me.

Statement:  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this.

Translation:  My friends/family/confidants made my decision for me because I have zero spine, zero guts, and complete inability to commit to an adult decision.  Also, I don’t want to take responsibility.

Statement:  I love you, but I’m not in love with you.

Translation:  I want it both ways, and I’m not ready to settle down.  Also can mean – sorry, but you sucked in bed.

Statement:  We can always be friends

Translation:  Yep, but on my terms, and within strictly defined parameters.  This means if I want “friends with benefits” and you don’t, byyyyeeeeee!

Statement:  I don’t want a commitment

Translation:  Usually can be taken literally, but with a caveat – for some, this means “I’m not quite ready to grow up yet.  Check back when I’m ready to begin claiming Social Security.”