Tag Archives: satire

This Super Bowl prediction will fall down and sink into the swamp.

Today’s big game is a gripping matching of two amazing teams, both of whom made it to the big dance to dance the waltz to claim the most coveted trophy in the world of pro sports, the hand of fair maiden Ivanka Trump. Both teams will face enormous challenges and dangers before they can make it to the bridge of Super Bowl Doom, where the Wizard Goodell awaits with the questions which must be answered to reach the Castle Lombardi.

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“My Lord, shouldn’t we throw the long bomb against them?” “Unwise, my good Knight! After all, they are from New England, which is close to French speakers.”

The Atlanta Falcons, led by King Ryan, had to face the Green Knight Aaron, though the outcome was never truly in doubt, as Ryan chopped off the defensive, offense and ultimately, the special teams of the Packers. Though it was not a draw, the Packers ultimately yielded to the might of the Falcons, and continued on to the Castle of Houston, but not before Packer fans attempted, in a failed attempt at intimidation, to launch a giant cheese wheel over the edge of the castle, but it backfired, causing the castle to burn down, fall over, and sink into the swamp, which we all know is located at the University of Florida.   Ultimately, football fans everywhere were spared the sight of King Ryan and Prince Julio singing when the good knight Sir Quinn successfully advised them to not engage in a debate with media rabble, who continued to sling shit in the fields.

No word as to if the Falcons were forced to locate a shrubbery in the Georgia mountains and cut it down with a herring.

Outside of Boston, the New England Patriots struggled valiantly against the killer Steelers, but they ultimately proved to be little more than fluffy rabbits as the Steeler defense, shortly before cornering the Patriots, suffered a full shutdown. Of course, this could not happen without Sir Brady deploying the Holy Hand Grenade of Belichick, which blew thine enemy to tiny deflated bits.  The Patriots went to work afterwards, methodically declaring at Steelers players witches and beginning the process of lowering them into the Atlantic Ocean, but not until a Lombardi Trophy-shaped beacon distracted the Steelers enough for the Patriots to score several touchdowns on the Steelers, though Patriot cheerleaders did not administer any spankings. However, the Grand Divine Master Kraft revealed himself shortly after the victory and administered one of the greatest tongue lashings in the history of football when he complained about the officiating and them screamed “Go Pats,” and there was much rejoicing. (yay!).

The Patriots then embarked on their great and noble quest, aided by several hundred gallons of clam chowder because the Falcons had already grabbed all the coconuts, and made their way to the Castle Houston, and now they will face the Falcons in the most devastating battle in the history of mankind – Trash Talk Deflate Rise Up Bowl, which was just now named so because of a pre-emptive Cease and Desist Order Issued by the NFL (aka “GOD”).

As part of my quest to divine the winner, I had to reach the bridge of foul smelling doom., where the Master Wizard Goodell’s question to me was “What is the current residential status of the a California franchise?”  My answer “which one?  Charger or Raider?”  His answer, of course, was “wha?  I, I don’t knowwwwwww!” (we can only hope he is tossed into the pit of judgment.)  Still, there is much to be revealed and and I thought this could be accomplished by studying my cat’s litter stink from deep within the pit.  That was proven a fruitless endeavor when I realized I had actually cleaned their box, so I relied instead on the stink of leftover Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Valentines Day 2001 foodstuffs left in my refrigerator, which has afforded me to the vision needed to reveal MY prediction on who wins the big game.

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“It’s a KILLER…wait, no, that the Steelers’ defence.”

In a stunning upset which will eliminate all stink of old crap in the NFL to usher in a new area of healthy, tasty but quickly forgotten trendy culinary treats, the Atlanta Falcons will defeat the New Patriots in a serious classic, with Matt Ryan tossing a long, bean-dip soaked bomb to Julio Jones in the final seconds. Later, it will be revealed that Tom Brady had enough of the NFL, and will request an executive order making him the U.S. Ambassador to Jakku.

Hope you all have a great time watching today’s game and bear in mind, this summary has been issued by a guy who not only doesn’t care too much for either team, but will be watching the Kitten Bowl because it’s, frankly, way more interesting.  As for Ivanka, I’m sure she’ll be happy living in a castle where they flip shit and cows over the walls at their enemies.

And I’m expecting Eric Idle and John Cleese to hit me with C&D Orders any second.  To which I will say one thing.

RUN AWAY!!!

Of Thanksgiving, Death Stars and other Planet Killers

As we celebrate the day Americans everywhere feast to their hearts content (my auto-correct somehow managed to insert the word “ringworm” into this post before I removed it razor sharp carving tools), we are reminded that we are just weeks away from the most amazing moment of the year, full of lights, festivities and magical times.

Yes, folks, Star Wars time is upon us.

In my household, there is an epic battle between nonbelievers and myself.  I am doing my best find a way to see the movie but, unfortunately, Darth Spousius is using the ways of the Sith to prevent this.  My force attacks are just not strong enough.  So, I shall do what the fabled Grey Jedi does…laugh my ass off by poking fun at science fiction planet killers.

The planet killer is just what the name implies; a device which inhales gobs of campaign money and uses Supreme Court precedent to bypass all rules, or is that the Koch Brothers?   Either way, there are several well known planet killers, and now I shall take a semi serious look at them all.

Ah shit! Now you did it! You went and made it mad!

Starkiller Base:  You gotta hand it to the First Order – they succeeded when The Galactic Empire failed.  This wasn’t just a laser, it was a solar energy powered hyper lights—-ah Screw it!!  It’s a BFG (Doom fans will get that acronym) that blew up a bunch of planets at once.  As usual it has an Achilles heel which spelled its doom but it did do a HELL of a lot more damage than the Death Star.

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Is it “Log” or the “Space Doobie?”
The Doomsday Machine:  this killer debuted in Star Trek: TOS (Kirk overacting moments per episode:  35.6). It basically looked like a hunk of space wood (“and I see your Schwarz is as big as mine.”) with a really bad case of acid reflux.  Of course, this thing could only be killed by sending a (surprise!) starship in with a warp core set on overload.  Actually, it’s rather reminiscent of how my bowels process a seven layer burrito, but that’s besides the point.

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I KNOW you didn’t just shoot that green shit at..AIIEEE!!!!!
The Death Star: this classic killer, the Death Star, affectionately glossed as “Vader’s Crib,” is essentially a space station with one really badass laser.  It doesn’t matter how it was built, who built it, or the myriad plot holes pointed out by the Family Guy parodies, the fact remains the Death Star is the quintessential planet killer, even though it actually only successfully killed one planet.

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Dude…SNACKS!!!!
Unicron: check it out!  The 1986 Transformers classic featured a robot which ate planets, moons, asteroids for snacks.  In a memorable moment, Unicron, in robot form, even ripped into Cybertron the way a ravenous horde of teenagers tear into a bowl of Chex party mix.  But don’t let his party animal demeanor fool you.  This dude had some serious planet killing ability, devouring scores of spheres before finally being done in by what later became a fancy Christmas ornament (seriously).

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The Force is STRONG in this one…too strong, really!
Vorlon Planetkiller:  When is the Death Star no longer totally badass?  When it takes the combined firepower of 30 super-powered starships to blow up another planet killer, rather than having designed a station with a fatal flaw not once, but twice.  Credit Babylon 5 with one thing…it consistently made big booms, and the explosion of the Vorlon planet killer in “Into the fire” was a seriously big ass boom.  Oh, and it succeeded in blowing up several planets, and looks like a cross between a squid and a clam.  Sushi. anyone?

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Ripping reality a new space-hole!
Narada, the Romulan mining ship:  okay, not really a planet killer, but when you can use the space equivalent of an oil drill to create a black hole inside a planet, that’s serious sci-fi street cred!

And finally.

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Y’all know how you like to tap that space beehive with that stick?  Ya, this is happens!  Y’all get the Earth blown up!!!
Drej mothership from Titan AEThis sucker was badass because it actually blew up Earth!!!!  Forget the rest…when you blow up our own home planet, your sci-fi Kung Fu is awesome.  Don Bluth wins the badass crown once again.

Okay folks, return to your scheduled tryptofan induced coma.  This week, a slightly silly review of Georgia college football seasons, and the necessary Tums packets.

Penalties offset, replay the election

Football season is in full swing, the World Series is nearly the final gun, and our elections are almost decided.  With that extremely mixed metaphor out of the way, it’s time to pull out the most non feared weapon in my writing arsenal, the Political and Cultural Penalty Flags.

You’ll put your eye out! Oh wait, wrong blog!

Unsportsmanlike Conduct:  Donald Trump for claiming a system is rigged and fixed before those who rig it have a chance to rig it.  Loss of quiet time with Melania, automatic media scrunity.

Illegal Procedure:  Hillary Clinton for multiple email server infractions.  Half the distance to Weiner, loss of credibility. 

Holding:  President Obama for not taking numerous opportunities to thank good police officers for their work.  Loss of legacy.

Pass Interference:  Bill Clinton.  You do the math.  Ten grope penalty loss of flirting privileges.

Unnecessary Roughness:  North Dakota Governor Jack Dalrymple for his treatment of native lands with the Standing Rock situation.  Loss of respect and ton of bad karma.

Holding:  Media for refusing to allow third party candidates in the presidential debates.  Five rating point penalty, still in business.

Roughing the quarterback:  Congress for overriding a veto.  Five seat penalty, automatic “Who cares?”

Intentional grounding:  New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for the whole “BridgeGate” mess.  Loss of respect from voters.  Automatic end of career.

Offensive pass interference:  Joe Biden for saying “oh GOD” about Anthony Weiner during a CNN interview.  Half the distance to the end of his term, fourth down.

Illegal formation:  Debbie Wasserman-Schultz for her role in Bernie Sanders defeat in the primary.  Donald Trumps questionable charities and donations to Florida attorney general Pam Bondi.  Penalties offset, replay the bonehead moves.

Booth reviews:

  • Election machine issues in multiple states.
  • Dakota pipeline treaty violations.
  • Obamas legacy.
  • Hillary Clintons email server.

Illegal procedure:  Vladimir Putin for talking about our election.  Ten warhead penalty, loss of next guerilla war.

Face mask:  Anyone wearing a Suicide Squad or Deadpool costume this year.  Loss of action, turnover on downs.

Too many men on the field:  Game of Thrones.  Walking Dead.  Deadpool. Oh wait, that’s too many LIVE men on the field.

Encroachment:  This blog for ripping off too much of Dave Barry’s style.  By rule, this post is over.

Characters and their campaign slogans

The Presidential campaign is in its final months, and there are joke shirts and memes everywhere.  It would remiss of us to ignore this prime opportunity to win the laugh vote, so here are the campaign slogans of some lesser known TV, movie and book characters:

Smokey from “Friday”:  We gonna win, and you know this, man!

Sonny Crockette:  Making Members Only jackets great again.

George Jetson:  Stop this crazy campaign.

Tim “Tool Man” Taylor:  America needs more power!

Montgomery Burns:  Yes, vote for me, fools!  Excellent!

Captain John Sheridan:  Nuke em!

Debra Barone:  Vote for me, idiot!

Taylor Swift:  I’m America’s Wildest Dream

Kylo Ren:  More Force, Less emo

Spock:  Making causality great again

Scar:  HE’S PREPARED!!!

Motley Crue:  We’ll rock America all night long.

Deadpool:  Eff the election.  Vote for Chimichangas!