Tag Archives: football

This Super Bowl prediction will fall down and sink into the swamp.

Today’s big game is a gripping matching of two amazing teams, both of whom made it to the big dance to dance the waltz to claim the most coveted trophy in the world of pro sports, the hand of fair maiden Ivanka Trump. Both teams will face enormous challenges and dangers before they can make it to the bridge of Super Bowl Doom, where the Wizard Goodell awaits with the questions which must be answered to reach the Castle Lombardi.

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“My Lord, shouldn’t we throw the long bomb against them?” “Unwise, my good Knight! After all, they are from New England, which is close to French speakers.”

The Atlanta Falcons, led by King Ryan, had to face the Green Knight Aaron, though the outcome was never truly in doubt, as Ryan chopped off the defensive, offense and ultimately, the special teams of the Packers. Though it was not a draw, the Packers ultimately yielded to the might of the Falcons, and continued on to the Castle of Houston, but not before Packer fans attempted, in a failed attempt at intimidation, to launch a giant cheese wheel over the edge of the castle, but it backfired, causing the castle to burn down, fall over, and sink into the swamp, which we all know is located at the University of Florida.   Ultimately, football fans everywhere were spared the sight of King Ryan and Prince Julio singing when the good knight Sir Quinn successfully advised them to not engage in a debate with media rabble, who continued to sling shit in the fields.

No word as to if the Falcons were forced to locate a shrubbery in the Georgia mountains and cut it down with a herring.

Outside of Boston, the New England Patriots struggled valiantly against the killer Steelers, but they ultimately proved to be little more than fluffy rabbits as the Steeler defense, shortly before cornering the Patriots, suffered a full shutdown. Of course, this could not happen without Sir Brady deploying the Holy Hand Grenade of Belichick, which blew thine enemy to tiny deflated bits.  The Patriots went to work afterwards, methodically declaring at Steelers players witches and beginning the process of lowering them into the Atlantic Ocean, but not until a Lombardi Trophy-shaped beacon distracted the Steelers enough for the Patriots to score several touchdowns on the Steelers, though Patriot cheerleaders did not administer any spankings. However, the Grand Divine Master Kraft revealed himself shortly after the victory and administered one of the greatest tongue lashings in the history of football when he complained about the officiating and them screamed “Go Pats,” and there was much rejoicing. (yay!).

The Patriots then embarked on their great and noble quest, aided by several hundred gallons of clam chowder because the Falcons had already grabbed all the coconuts, and made their way to the Castle Houston, and now they will face the Falcons in the most devastating battle in the history of mankind – Trash Talk Deflate Rise Up Bowl, which was just now named so because of a pre-emptive Cease and Desist Order Issued by the NFL (aka “GOD”).

As part of my quest to divine the winner, I had to reach the bridge of foul smelling doom., where the Master Wizard Goodell’s question to me was “What is the current residential status of the a California franchise?”  My answer “which one?  Charger or Raider?”  His answer, of course, was “wha?  I, I don’t knowwwwwww!” (we can only hope he is tossed into the pit of judgment.)  Still, there is much to be revealed and and I thought this could be accomplished by studying my cat’s litter stink from deep within the pit.  That was proven a fruitless endeavor when I realized I had actually cleaned their box, so I relied instead on the stink of leftover Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Valentines Day 2001 foodstuffs left in my refrigerator, which has afforded me to the vision needed to reveal MY prediction on who wins the big game.

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“It’s a KILLER…wait, no, that the Steelers’ defence.”

In a stunning upset which will eliminate all stink of old crap in the NFL to usher in a new area of healthy, tasty but quickly forgotten trendy culinary treats, the Atlanta Falcons will defeat the New Patriots in a serious classic, with Matt Ryan tossing a long, bean-dip soaked bomb to Julio Jones in the final seconds. Later, it will be revealed that Tom Brady had enough of the NFL, and will request an executive order making him the U.S. Ambassador to Jakku.

Hope you all have a great time watching today’s game and bear in mind, this summary has been issued by a guy who not only doesn’t care too much for either team, but will be watching the Kitten Bowl because it’s, frankly, way more interesting.  As for Ivanka, I’m sure she’ll be happy living in a castle where they flip shit and cows over the walls at their enemies.

And I’m expecting Eric Idle and John Cleese to hit me with C&D Orders any second.  To which I will say one thing.

RUN AWAY!!!

An Alternative Super Bowl Prediction: A Division of the White House-Trumpco

Today is NFL Championship Sunday.  Of course this means the New England Patriots host the Pittsburgh Steelers in the AFC Championship while the Atlanta Falcons host the Green Bay Packers for the NFC Championship, and 3/4ths of the country will not give a flying crap except to see if their checking account is still intact or has been drained of all discernable life.

I could not go through today without weighing in about this day with the help of my cats.  Max, Annabella, Bentley and Rex have all provided their particular predictions on who will win today’s contest by way of their behaviors which, through my amazing powers of feeding them and changing their litter, will attempt to interpret.

Max:  When I mention the Atlanta Falcons, Max makes a bizarre chirping noise which sounds like a cross between a cricket and dinosaur in mating season.  That would correspond well to the sound a Packers fan makes when they had one too many Miller Lite cans.  Prediction:  Packers win by 3 belches…and a field goal.

Annabella:  My youngest cat has very little idea about football, but she likes bright colors.  Sadly, no team has any bright colors so she goes for the team which tosses the ball around the most.  Prediction:  Falcons lose but throw the ball a lot (which is why they lose.)

Bentley:  My oldest cat really don’t give a flying shit about who wins becuase, as far he’s concerned, they are all genetically inferior to him.  Based on that assessment, we are going to assume he is a Pats fan today.  Prediction:  Patriots win and protests ensue.

Rex:  The weirdest cat we own likes to bark like dog, and that means zilch today.  The Georgia Dome will also be rendered meaningless today, as well the Steelers.  Prediction:  Falcons win and so do the Patriots, and they both jump like little boys and girls around the respective trophies.

Now, my Super Bowl matchup prediction, based on the level of stink in my home after a recently collective crapping by all cats, is the Atlanta Falcons vs. the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LI:  Embrace the Stink and Make the NFL Great Again with Alternative Super Bowls.

Have fun and drink one for me.

Penalties offset, replay the election

Football season is in full swing, the World Series is nearly the final gun, and our elections are almost decided.  With that extremely mixed metaphor out of the way, it’s time to pull out the most non feared weapon in my writing arsenal, the Political and Cultural Penalty Flags.

You’ll put your eye out! Oh wait, wrong blog!

Unsportsmanlike Conduct:  Donald Trump for claiming a system is rigged and fixed before those who rig it have a chance to rig it.  Loss of quiet time with Melania, automatic media scrunity.

Illegal Procedure:  Hillary Clinton for multiple email server infractions.  Half the distance to Weiner, loss of credibility. 

Holding:  President Obama for not taking numerous opportunities to thank good police officers for their work.  Loss of legacy.

Pass Interference:  Bill Clinton.  You do the math.  Ten grope penalty loss of flirting privileges.

Unnecessary Roughness:  North Dakota Governor Jack Dalrymple for his treatment of native lands with the Standing Rock situation.  Loss of respect and ton of bad karma.

Holding:  Media for refusing to allow third party candidates in the presidential debates.  Five rating point penalty, still in business.

Roughing the quarterback:  Congress for overriding a veto.  Five seat penalty, automatic “Who cares?”

Intentional grounding:  New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for the whole “BridgeGate” mess.  Loss of respect from voters.  Automatic end of career.

Offensive pass interference:  Joe Biden for saying “oh GOD” about Anthony Weiner during a CNN interview.  Half the distance to the end of his term, fourth down.

Illegal formation:  Debbie Wasserman-Schultz for her role in Bernie Sanders defeat in the primary.  Donald Trumps questionable charities and donations to Florida attorney general Pam Bondi.  Penalties offset, replay the bonehead moves.

Booth reviews:

  • Election machine issues in multiple states.
  • Dakota pipeline treaty violations.
  • Obamas legacy.
  • Hillary Clintons email server.

Illegal procedure:  Vladimir Putin for talking about our election.  Ten warhead penalty, loss of next guerilla war.

Face mask:  Anyone wearing a Suicide Squad or Deadpool costume this year.  Loss of action, turnover on downs.

Too many men on the field:  Game of Thrones.  Walking Dead.  Deadpool. Oh wait, that’s too many LIVE men on the field.

Encroachment:  This blog for ripping off too much of Dave Barry’s style.  By rule, this post is over.

Trump vs. Clinton: The Ultimate Monday Night Super Something-or-other

HEMPSTEAD, NY – Hofstra’s football season in Division I Football Championship Subdivision (read:  REAL playoff, not this TV crap!), kicked into high gear tonight when, in a momentous showdown, Republican billionaire tycoon and Make-America-Great Booster Donald “The Hair” Trump faced off against his Democratic opponent, closest commie-elitist and reputed illegitimate twin sister of Dr. Evil Hillary Rodham Kennedy Onassis Pelosi Chelsea Hiddleston Swift Clinton.

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L-R:  Clinton, Trump, and some guy who sold out.

PREGAME:  It took near fifteen minutes for moderator Lester “I am objective, dammit!” Holt to introduce the players, actually establish ground rules, flip the coin, comb Trump’s hair, prop Clinton up against her post, and then get comfortable in his Chair of Perpetual Squirming.  No swords were reported used in the construction of said chair.

FIRST QUARTER:  Trump opted to receive, but fumbled on kickoff when Clinton, in a stunning move reminiscent of the New England Patriots, attempted to deflate the GOP nominee’s ego.  Despite managing to recover the ball, Clinton was unable to make much headway at first, settling for small gains, such as calling her opponent “Donald” as opposed to “Mr. Trump.”  During her initial scoring drive, Clinton was twice called for delay of game, but Holt reversed the decision after realizing that NBC was not, in fact, producing the debate.  Once he managed to get the ball back, Trump began to hammer away the Clinton defense, using relentless attacks against her economic policies and tax rates, with his patented quick-out play calls of “great” and “extraordinary” used repeatedly to advance the ball.  Quarter ends with Trump scoring three times, twice on the debate floor and once with Marla Maples during a water break, but the latter was reversed when Holt flagged Trump for Illegal Procedure:  Time Travel to the late 1980s.  Clinton kicked a field goal, with former President Bill Clinton’s head being used to hold the ball in place – yes, his head was also kicked.  Fortunately, nobody in the crowd was injured when the errant kick careened off the podium, with Bill’s head striking a female camera grip in the groin.  At the end of the first quarter:  Trump 32, Clinton -3

SECOND QUARTER:  Trump continued to hammer away at Clinton’s economic policies, using an aggressive pass attack to shred the Democrat’s defense, before having to settle for a field goal after Clinton opened up an IRS blitz package on him.  Trump attempted to use play “33,000” to confuse his opponent, but the naked bootleg made so many in the audience vomit simultaneously, Trump was quickly hit by Holt with a penalty for Unsportmanslike Conduct, moving him away from a sure 1st and Goal situation.  The GOP nominee eventually had to settle for another field goal.  Clinton struck back quickly, with lightning speed, using her recently perfected offensive package “DaddysSmallBusiness” as fast-attack offense with repeated up-the-gut blows from her solid counter-strike offensive play of “TrumpStiffs” and “Loan 600 mil” to keep Trump off guard.  Both plays led to fast scores, with Clinton ultimately closing the gap, but not until Holt called her for illegal procedure when she, in a moment of astonishing foolishness, admitted she screwed up as a politician when she previously denied screwing up.  At the end of the half:  Trump 35, Clinton 23.9

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Talked a LOT about her dad’s small business.  Closet one-percenter.

HALFTIME:  Half the known universe when on social media to Facebook, Tweet, Instalock, and Pin The Tail on the Interest (we think), while the rest was getting hammered on cheap beer, and watching Monday Night Football.

THIRD QUARTER:   Clinton blew out of the gate, returning the second half kickoff for a quick score with her calls for better opportunities for minorities. Upon getting the ball back, Trump began to chew clock with his reliable “LawOrder” offense, pounding away at the Clinton defense with a strong ground game.  Clinton attempted to force turnovers with regards to Trump’s record on race relations, but those attempts were to no avail as his offensive game was well in control when he had the ball.  Unfortunately, Trump’s drive stalled when he got to the red zone, and Clinton’s defense stiffened when questions about New York’s “Stop and Frisk” law arose.  Trump lost the ball on attempts, then challenged the ruling on the field, but Holt ruled there was irrefutable evidence that Trump and Clinton were both hogging the limelight, so the play stood as called.  Clinton got the ball back, but her drive stalled when she tried to laugh and nearly broke her kickstand.  At the end of the Third Quarter:  Trump 41, Clinton 50

Republican presidential candidate Trump gestures and declares "You're fired!" at a rally in Manchester
This was just him yelling “hike!”  Seriously.

FOURTH QUARTER:  The final stanza of this showdown was a see-saw battle of wills, with Trump scoring twice in rapid succession finding political holes in the Clinton defense.  Clinton then put Trump on his heels with repeated accusations about his take on nuclear weapons, NATO, pet spiders, large fluffy rabbits and rumors he favored Detroit Pizza over New York.  Trump fired back that Clinton’s team allowed Iran to become more powerful, Cleveland to win a world championship in basketball, cats to become more popular than dogs, and Florida State University to lose to Louisville.  The two continued to trade pot shots, with Lester Holt looking visibly sleepy and even tossing the occasional errant penalty flag at the crowd for unnecessary boredom, but the final minute displayed Clinton and Trump each getting hit with offsetting penalties for obnoxiousness and going off-script.  At the end of the debate, two knights came in, shook hands, said “alright, we’ll call it a draw,” then Sean Bean was paraded in and beheaded.

Final Score:  Trump *@#!  Clinton *@#!

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This is your brain on debates and Lester Holt.  Any questions?

STATISTICS

Attendance:  325 (300 drunk by the end of the debate)

Debate Time:  Entirely too long.

STAT                      TRUMP                 CLINTON

Attacks                 13                           12

Yawns                   0                              4

Cheap Shots       9                              2

Talking Points    4                              32

IRS Mentions     3                              2339002

Sane Moments 2                              5

Snide Remarks  5                              5

Penalties             13                           13

Officials:  Lester Hold (NBC)

NOTES:  Screw it, let’s go get a beer and watch “WestWorld” when it comes on.

Ten interesting Super Bowl facts

  1. The name “Super Bowl” was reportedly derived from the name of a children’s toy used by the child of late Chief’s owner Lamar Hunt, a “Super Ball.”
  2. The franchise with the most NFL Championship appearances pre-Super Bowl has never been to a Super Bowl: The Cleveland Browns.
  3. The only team in NFL to go undefeated remains the 1972 Miami Dolphins, who went 14-0. When the New England Patriots lost the New York Giants, the bottle of Dom Perignon the remaining alums of that team keep for their annual “toast” was popped open quickly.

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    Still not as awesome as the Stanley Cup.  Just sayin.
  4. The Vince Lombardi Trophy, awarded to the Super Bowl winner, is made of sterling silver.
  5. The first “Super Bowl,” known then as the First World Championship, AFL vs. NFL, was not a sellout. Played at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, it drew just over 63,000 fans for a stadium with a capacity of over 90,000.  It was also broadcast on two networks, due to the fact the NFL had a contract with CBS and the AFL with NBC.
  6. There has never been a Super Bowl played in overtime.
  7. Prior to September 11, 2001, only one game was ever played in official declared wartime, Super Bowl XXV, played in Tampa, Florida, home to U.S. Central Command which was relocated to Saudi Arabia to oversee command operations for Operations Desert Storm (Gulf War I).
  8. Super Bowl XXXVI, the first played after the attacked of September 11, 2001, featured a last-minute logo change to help unite the nation, as well as a special memorial performance by halftime entertainers U2. Lead singer Bono appeared on stage for “Beautiful Day” wearing a jacket with a American flag-inspired liner, and the names over thousands lost appeared on screens to either side of the stage.
  9. The largest Super Bowl odds spread in history was 18 points, and that was for Super Bowl XXIX, in which the San Francisco 49ers and San Diego Charges combined for 75 points, a Super Bowl record to this day.
  10. The greatest upset in Super Bowl history remains Super Bowl III, in which the Baltimore Colts, the NFL Champions, were a 17 point favorite to defeat the AFL Champion New York Jets. The Jets won, 16-7.