Tag Archives: Bebe Heiskell

UPDATES: Walker County and great Frying Pan vs. Skillet debate

With all the insanity in America’s politics, I am pleased to report that one positive in this mess has occurred. Though old news, the new Sole Commissioner, High Commander and Eternal Leader of Walker County, Georgia is now firmly entrenched in his new position. Shannon Whitfield, who was able to easily defang and disembowel Bebe Heiskell in the 2016 election by a score of 3 trillion neurons to 2.1, is apparently managing to score points with voters on the simple fact that he keeps schedules consistent and has not traded away star players to the opposition in exchange for defensive coordinators who blow 20 point leads in the Super…oh crap, I’ve got the Atlanta Falcons on the brain. Sorry.

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Shannon Whitfield.  Wait, wasn’t this guy in a Super Bowl commercial for avocados?

Whitfield, despite his obviously improved status as Not Being Bebe Heiskell, has still rankled some voters by posting edited county commission meetings online instead of the raw feeds. Walker County gods on high, however, are apparently pleased with Whitfield’s performance, as a recent 1.8 earthquake indicates (previous earthquakes have been in the 4s, meaning Heiskell’s soul has obviously arrived at Satan’s mailbox, postage due.) Still, the City of LaFayette continues to function as always, with its fine collection of shops, gas stations, and a convenience store actually named “Yanks” (seriously.) It also continues to enjoy its status as Unofficial Job Haven for Wanted Criminals, as the county has had apparent known of a wanted criminal from Colorado working as a 911 dispatcher for the county for some time. Perhaps the Heiskell curse continues, but large predatory bird sightings are on the wane, so there has be obvious improvement – such as employees actually being able to now cash their paychecks.

No word as to whether “Thad” was available for comment. (rim shot)

This, however, pales in comparison to a far more serious matter facing our nation today from a political standpoint. Today, this writer took the liberty of challenging the political status quo and asking an ultra-controversial question: what the hell is the difference between a skillet and a frying pan?

A query which has dogged cooks for eons, the notion of a frying pan and skillet being different things has been a perplexing issue. Gigantic studies using massive federal block grants issued via presidential tweets have been suggested, especially since the skillet lobby has stated an unofficial goal of “Making Cooking with Skillets Great Again.” Of course, I chose to use the definitive source of wisdom and knowledge to answer this question once and for all…

My Facebook Feed.

My friends/readers/followers/associates of ill refute/various shape-shifting entities from the Gamma Quadrant all weighed in, and the results were very clear: no really knows for sure, and everyone wonders why the hell I was even asking that question. Of course, that would stop me from sharing some of the answers with you, my loyal and delusional reading audience, some of whom are obviously not aware of the need to stay off the road after heavy medicinal or recreational relaxant use.  We know that won’t happen, so here we go – actual answers from actual readers of my feed:

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Until the horse WHACKS you with it. And then you STILL won’t know what to call it!

“A skillet has straight high sides. Same flat wide bottom so u can fry or search, but the the high straight sides like a pot allow us to add more stuff, especially liquids and put on a lid.”

“Geography.”

“Weight. A skillet also says, ‘What’s this non-stick crap???'”

“One of those questions that just simmers…” (Honorable Mention for Best Answer)

“One you fry in, one’s a band.”

“They both cook eggs. So, none.”

and the Best Answer of All, which actually led to me spraying coffee on my monitor in such a fashion several wet wipes were needed…

“The difference between a frying pan and a skillet? The size of the knot on your head if you upset the cook.”

Bear in mind, all these answers are moot when one considers the fact that, when used properly, both pans and skillets make excellent counterweights for mousetraps created by grey and white cartoon cats. Still, we must never forget the most important part of this research, that terminology can vary widely from region to region in our nation, and that such things as “homophones” will always be targeted for persecution by moralist elements who obviously didn’t pay attention in English class.

If you are still unsure about how to approach this debate or how to understand the jokes in this post, feel free to contact Sole Commissioner Shannon Whitfield’s office. Operators are standing by to hire you now, provided you’ve been arrested in at least one jurisdiction.  I’m putting my application in tomorrow.

Walker County: Boldly Going Where No Pasta Has Gone Before

After all the serious stuff we have been seeing in the news, we need to really start moving on to other serious issues, such as how Walker County, Georgia’s attempted blockbuster deal to acquire a school with a quality nursing program may be historic in the fact that they are acquiring a quality anything.  But first, we must address this looming, alleged, likely fictitious and highly suspect report that NASA is about to launch a pasta-worshiping nitwit to deep space, and it’s not, repeat, not Adam Richmond!

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Now boarding at gate….aw, screw it!

NASA announced last week, in a much ballyhooed statement, that they have been authorized to conduct a reality TV series in which the biggest American dunce would be allowed to be launched into orbit.  While that in itself would be comical, what is concerning is the starship, reportedly named Eagle 10 (Now with Trans-Warp Schwarz!), would be capable of space flight to such locations as Mars, the asteroid belt, and possibly the punk rock planet Thompson 2 in the Ratt system.  Even more worrisome is that the current administration, looking for the least religiously offensive representative possible, may be ready to train a…wait for it…Pastafarian.

Contrary to popular belief, Pastafarians don’t actually worship a bowl of spaghetti.  The actual deity is actually the pasta itself, with meatballs and sauces actually spirits.  This particular religion is dedicated to the cause of peace by way of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, whose existence is explained in this actual passage from the Pastafarian Wiki Page (seriously.)

“According to Pastafarianism, FSM is a benevolent supernatural entity who created the world some 4000 years ago while very drunk, although the world is intentionally built to make humans think it’s older than it really is.”

This particular religion subscribes to several beliefs, but the most important is the Pastafarian Endtime (“Pastageddon?”)  In this situation, the end of the world is decided when the Flying Spaghetti Monster crushes its enemies with its mighty (pause now to swallow your food or soda to prevent choking) meatballs.  Pastafarian belief is actually quite specific about not being racist or homophobic, but mentions “savages such as vegans and barbie co. employees will be crushed like the heathens they are, bloodily and painfully.”  Of course, if first contact occurs, we can count on our Pastafari-nauts to engage in culturally appropriate exchanges, such as demonstrating boiling water, making quality meatballs, and engaging in the age-old debate as to whether it’s called “sauce” or “gravy,” though that last part may want to be omitted to avoid touching off an interstellar war.

While “Pastafarian Trek” is a major issue nationally, a far more regionally sensitive topic has hit the state of Georgia, where a proposed merger between Darton State College and Albany State University in the southwest region of the Peach State may be in jeopardy as the result of a rumored back-door deal between the Office of Walker County Commissioner and Lord High Commander Bebe Heiskell and her government.  The deal, which was reported late at night on a billboard by a group of renegade journalists watching reruns of The Real Ghostbusters, alleges the county of attempting to purchase Darton State from undercover agents posing as ethics investigators and open satellite campuses in the hopes of generating revenue to pay off the reported $10 million hedge fund loan still outstanding.  Calls to the Walker County Auditors Office were apparently misrouted to Donald Trump’s office, because this is the message we received.

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To Trump, or not to Trump!

“This is Donald Trump, Presidential Candidate, dashing billionaire, and all-around ass kicking businessman, speaking on behalf of the Walker County Government.  If you are calling to smear the great Bebe Heiskell and her All-American government which stands for everything which makes America great, you need to take your sorry, illegal loser ass back to Ben Carson’s house and come up with new material.  As always, thanks for Making America Great!”

Darton State College alums, when asked for comment on the matter, reportedly all gagged in unison at the mere mention of being associated with anything in Northwest Georgia, except for Lookout Mountain.  When asked about the Pastafarian Starship, one of the respondents actually lit up a giant spaghetti blunt.

NOTEWORTHY:  Today is the Two Year Anniversary of my readers being able to get in my head!  I would like to thank you all with a prize, but my budget is on a inverse trajectory to the United States Debt Ceiling.  I expect to be debt free and capable of supporting myself independently sometime in 2132.  Thanks for your understanding, support, and numerous recommendations for prescription medications!

Politics and laundry: wash, rinse, spin, repeat, spin, repeat

I settled in Wednesday for an evening of doing laundry.  The clothes are in the machine, the coffee is brewed, and the television is turned on to some quality programming.  And so it begins.

FIRST WASH:

All hail the Great Dear Super Leader!

As the debate began on MSNBC, it was easy to see who would win off the bat:  Bernie Sanders.  His style, wit and candor, combined with his campaign platform, were a populist’s dream come true.  Crazy enough, he wasn’t even there, as it was the Republican debate!

CBS fared much better in the ratings for this period, buoyed by the new hit series, Criminal Minds Antarctica, featuring savvy FBI experts wearing parkas, looking for a renegade band of penguins killing other penguins because they were trotting instead of marching.

The new Trump! Network debuted, showing images of the Amazing Dear Leader Potentate of Glory walking down the stairwell to the debate floor, pitching a fit over the questions about his hair, then threatening to storm out.  The journalist pigs of the evil MSNBC network will suffer the wrath of our great people and our revolution.

FIRST RINSE:

Russian President Vladimir Putin, during a press conference televised live on CNN, announced that Russian jets would begin more aggressive patrols over regions once considered be exclusively American territory.  In an act of good faith, the Obama Administration immediately cedes most of Pasco County, Florida to Russia in exchange for some really crappy vodka.  Putin declares this an act of war.

Back on MSNBC, the Republican Presidential Debate kicks into high gear when former Florida Governor Jeb Bush and Senator Marco Rubio, during a highly contentious moment, agreed that Senator Ted Cruz’s tirade was both “epic,” “awesome” and “excellent.”  They then called each other “bogus.”

TLC debuts its newest feature, Blame it on Facebook, where users get to vent their frustration with the running updates to the social media giant’s interface.  The debut episode was built around various user rants about the latest change to the messaging system, in which missives sent to other users include a link to a website threatening to report every single porn and erotica site ever visited to the North Koreans.

SOFT WASH (adding fabric softener)…

HLN televised a speech by Democratic Candidate Bernie “Show Me the Socialism” Sanders, in which he attacks Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner for his decision to end nude photographs of female celebrities, declaring “both men and women have the constitutional right to look at really hot chicks, and this smacks of sexism.  Seriously, they aren’t doing that with Playgirl, right?”

Trump reportedly considered suing this storm for copyright infringement because it resembled his hair too close.

Switching to The Weather Channel, forecasters begin to plot the possibility that the remnants of Super Mega Ultra Master God Hurricane Patricia would somehow reform and go toe-to-toe with Godzilla.  They later admitted that conditions are favorable for reconstitution into, at the very best, John Boehner’s political career.

FINAL RINSE

Changing the channel over to CBS and clips of the next episode of the hit series Supergirl, a thought occurs to me, partly inspired by Supergirl’s really snazzy suit – it’s interesting how gender changes perception. Example…it is proven, proven, that women almost exclusively read erotica written by other women, and tend to eschew stuff written by men mostly because of the way women approach sex. Now, those of you men who think “eschew” is a sex move, congratulations! You just proved my damned point!

A quick turn back to MSNBC shows Donald Trump and Ben Carson locked in a purple-nurple battle, Ted Cruz screaming at them both “I don’t care who started it, I’m finishing it!”

Back to CNN, where Anderson Cooper reported that Russian aircraft are intensifying bombing of ISIS training camps.  When asked what the Obama Administration’s plan to become involved in the crisis, a spokesman referred all questions to Commissioner Bebe Heiskell’s Office at the Walker County Government Center in LaFayette, Georgia.

SPIN CYCLE

On Fox News, experts are arguing over the definition of “birth certificate,” “Trump,” and “President.”   Moderators suddenly become suspicious of the intent of the experts when it is noticed that one is a crack-addled orange cat and the other is a flightless bird with a ginormous nose.  They immediately cut to a report that Trump is about to open a casino in Chattanooga to compete with a planned casino in Walker County, Georgia.

Back to MSNBC, where the hosts of the Republican Debate suddenly, to their horror, realize the debate was actually supposed to televised on CNBC, but was bumped to their network because Major League Baseball and Fox were arguing over the definition of “going to First Base.”

On ESPN, guests and anchors are debating the merits of the College Football Playoff, the recent upsets in on the college gridiron, and how nobody understands just how important Urban Meyer and Ohio State are to college football.  Of course, everyone is watching another network, mainly because there is no reason to gamble on the outcome of the current program.

Paul Ryan strokes his chin thoughtfully as he ponders The Munsters marathon coming up this weekend.

CBS debuts CSI:  Tampa Bay, in which crime scene investigators attempt to discern the reason the Buccaneers gave up a 24 point lead to the freaking Redskins, who had a backup quarterback and the league’s most anemic offense, but nobody here is bitter.

ABC News reported the Wisconsin Representative Paul Ryan has agreed to become Speaker of the House on the explicit condition that “everyone quit calling me ‘Eddie Munster!'”

Finally, on CNBC, network officials actually cut back to the Republican Debate after realizing they had been actually showing a replay of the 2015 Kitten Bowl.  Ratings plummet immediately.  Trump blames “weakling loser cat lovers.”

Meet Walker County, Georgia: America’s Crazyland!

Another week down, another crazy news week over, and I believe that science has managed to achieve a earth-shattering discovery.  No, not the megastructure in a distant galaxy resulting in enough fan artwork to power conspiracy theorists in perpetuity, or if a purported “Planet X” video shown during a NASA briefing is real.  What I am referring to is something far more immediate, far more groundbreaking, and far more worthy of a Taylor Swift song.

“Just two good ol’ boys, never meanin’ no harm…” Wait, what? This ISN’T Hazzard? You coulda’ fooled us!

I’m referring to the fact that science may have located a place in America which is similar enough to Pasco County, Florida to be considered a permanent natural disaster area.  This particular place is Walker County, Georgia, home to what is widely considered one of the first American banana republics, within a republic, within a state, within a, well, you get the idea.  An alert reader and fan of my work, and connected to a group of rugged, dangerous journalists working undercover as large rocks in the region, brought some of the goings-on of Walker County to my attention.

For those of you who are not aware, Walker County, Georgia is a county in Georgia, but not just anywhere in Georgia.  It is located in northwest Georgia, which features a large amount of wildlife masquerading as humans, at least according to reports from residents who actually appear to have human DNA.  According to more than one report, this county operates under the concept of “Unified Government,” which means that one commissioner runs the ship much the way Donald Trump promises to, if elected, run America, Earth, and parts of the New Republic.  Technically, this sort of government runs counter to the democratic principles of government, but in this part of northwest Georgia, most people are more concerned about more important things, such as how fast they can move the hell out of Walker County to, say, North Korea.

The problem appears to stem from County Commissioner Bebe Heiskell who, in her natural habitat, is considered among the most fearful predators due to her sharp talons, razor sharp beak, and ability to dive at…crap, confused a politician for a falcon I was watching on Nova.  We all know politicians don’t move that fast.  Now, according to unconfirmed reports, Heiskell spends her weekends roasting copies of open records laws over an open dumpster fire.  These reports also indicate that not only has the commissioner transferred ownership of several county-owned properties to the local development authority, but that said move was done with the purpose of taking out bonds to pay to keep the county afloat.  Reports indicate that the county had $100 in the general fund in June, just enough throw a really snazzy pizza party in the commissioner’s office, but without the requisite alcohol to effect “responsible government.”  You can save your head-explosion moment, however, for this gem; the county has a $10 million dollar loan to pay back to a “hedge fund” by mid-January, 2016, and something tells us this fund has nothing to do with hedges, but this Walker County, so we really can’t be that sure.

Shown here: Walker County Commissioner Bebe Heiskell. Not shown: Sanity, integrity or anything related to democratic rule, such as the constitution.

Of course, no self-respecting politician of Heiskell’s ilk will dare go out like a unnamed spokesman paying his victims big money for molesting them while eating allegedly healthy “sandwiches” while “walking.”  No sir, this commissioner is doing what any good politico does; namely, going on local television and brag about what is being done with the county tax dollars in the name of all that is “good, moral and decent” (our quote, not hers…hers is likely far more comical and incriminating.)  Of course, this doesn’t even begin to cover the sale of the goat to a local ambassador, who has been sleeping with the former owner’s brother’s half-sister, who is waiting for Kate to emerge from a coma while Stefano plots his revenge….wait!  Dammit, another Days of Our Lives flashback again, but you can see where all this insanity would lead one to believe that this section of Georgia is actually part of a parallel universe or, at the very worst, Central New Jersey.

Contrast this to Pasco County, Florida, a county which has decided that the best way to fix the problem of urban blight, crime, unemployment and income inequality is to rename the local highway said issues are located on.  An April 2015 article in The Suncoast News cites local real estate broker Greg Armstrong as saying (you simply can’t make something like this up!) “If we’re going to give it a new facelift, we have to give the ol’ gal a new name.”  Bear in mind, this is also the county which suffered some of the worst rates of foreclosure during the Great Recession, as evidenced by the sheer number of people attempting to move out of Pasco, only to find out that – surprise – enough pain pill clinics had opened up that border patrol agents were diverted from the Mexican border to deal with the influx of Oxy to the area.  But, as always, I digress.  Today, Pasco County is a vibrant, beautiful county filled with lush fauna, chirping birds, and enough pain meds to power political denial well into the 22nd century.

US Highway 19 in Pasco County, Florida features a variety of quality businesses, such as strip clubs, pawn shops and adult bookstores. Check with your travel agent, or bookmaker.

Between Pasco and Walker counties, we are fairly confident that if their elected representatives were to ever meet, it would result in a butterfly being stepped on, which would ultimately result in Ted Cruz winning the Presidency, Russia assaulting the United States with nuclear weapons, and the world eventually being ruled by a group of solitary penguins worshipping a colony of feral, radiation enhanced supercats.  Then again, the cats would actually eat the penguins, so that idea is shot to hell already.