Tag Archives: Atlanta

This Super Bowl prediction will fall down and sink into the swamp.

Today’s big game is a gripping matching of two amazing teams, both of whom made it to the big dance to dance the waltz to claim the most coveted trophy in the world of pro sports, the hand of fair maiden Ivanka Trump. Both teams will face enormous challenges and dangers before they can make it to the bridge of Super Bowl Doom, where the Wizard Goodell awaits with the questions which must be answered to reach the Castle Lombardi.

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“My Lord, shouldn’t we throw the long bomb against them?” “Unwise, my good Knight! After all, they are from New England, which is close to French speakers.”

The Atlanta Falcons, led by King Ryan, had to face the Green Knight Aaron, though the outcome was never truly in doubt, as Ryan chopped off the defensive, offense and ultimately, the special teams of the Packers. Though it was not a draw, the Packers ultimately yielded to the might of the Falcons, and continued on to the Castle of Houston, but not before Packer fans attempted, in a failed attempt at intimidation, to launch a giant cheese wheel over the edge of the castle, but it backfired, causing the castle to burn down, fall over, and sink into the swamp, which we all know is located at the University of Florida.   Ultimately, football fans everywhere were spared the sight of King Ryan and Prince Julio singing when the good knight Sir Quinn successfully advised them to not engage in a debate with media rabble, who continued to sling shit in the fields.

No word as to if the Falcons were forced to locate a shrubbery in the Georgia mountains and cut it down with a herring.

Outside of Boston, the New England Patriots struggled valiantly against the killer Steelers, but they ultimately proved to be little more than fluffy rabbits as the Steeler defense, shortly before cornering the Patriots, suffered a full shutdown. Of course, this could not happen without Sir Brady deploying the Holy Hand Grenade of Belichick, which blew thine enemy to tiny deflated bits.  The Patriots went to work afterwards, methodically declaring at Steelers players witches and beginning the process of lowering them into the Atlantic Ocean, but not until a Lombardi Trophy-shaped beacon distracted the Steelers enough for the Patriots to score several touchdowns on the Steelers, though Patriot cheerleaders did not administer any spankings. However, the Grand Divine Master Kraft revealed himself shortly after the victory and administered one of the greatest tongue lashings in the history of football when he complained about the officiating and them screamed “Go Pats,” and there was much rejoicing. (yay!).

The Patriots then embarked on their great and noble quest, aided by several hundred gallons of clam chowder because the Falcons had already grabbed all the coconuts, and made their way to the Castle Houston, and now they will face the Falcons in the most devastating battle in the history of mankind – Trash Talk Deflate Rise Up Bowl, which was just now named so because of a pre-emptive Cease and Desist Order Issued by the NFL (aka “GOD”).

As part of my quest to divine the winner, I had to reach the bridge of foul smelling doom., where the Master Wizard Goodell’s question to me was “What is the current residential status of the a California franchise?”  My answer “which one?  Charger or Raider?”  His answer, of course, was “wha?  I, I don’t knowwwwwww!” (we can only hope he is tossed into the pit of judgment.)  Still, there is much to be revealed and and I thought this could be accomplished by studying my cat’s litter stink from deep within the pit.  That was proven a fruitless endeavor when I realized I had actually cleaned their box, so I relied instead on the stink of leftover Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Valentines Day 2001 foodstuffs left in my refrigerator, which has afforded me to the vision needed to reveal MY prediction on who wins the big game.

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“It’s a KILLER…wait, no, that the Steelers’ defence.”

In a stunning upset which will eliminate all stink of old crap in the NFL to usher in a new area of healthy, tasty but quickly forgotten trendy culinary treats, the Atlanta Falcons will defeat the New Patriots in a serious classic, with Matt Ryan tossing a long, bean-dip soaked bomb to Julio Jones in the final seconds. Later, it will be revealed that Tom Brady had enough of the NFL, and will request an executive order making him the U.S. Ambassador to Jakku.

Hope you all have a great time watching today’s game and bear in mind, this summary has been issued by a guy who not only doesn’t care too much for either team, but will be watching the Kitten Bowl because it’s, frankly, way more interesting.  As for Ivanka, I’m sure she’ll be happy living in a castle where they flip shit and cows over the walls at their enemies.

And I’m expecting Eric Idle and John Cleese to hit me with C&D Orders any second.  To which I will say one thing.

RUN AWAY!!!

An Open Letter to Atlanta Falcons Fans

Dear Atlanta Falcons Fans:

As a Buccaneers fans living in the Atlanta area, I would like to congratulate Falcons fans for their team reaching the Super Bowl.  Now this is not the first time the Dirty Birds made it to the big game, but it is, by far, the best Falcons team to get to this point.  Having said that, there are some thoughts which a fan of a one-time Super Bowl champion and division rival would like to share.

  • Be classy in victory or defeat.  Regardless of the outcome, show good sportmanship.  Don’t assault Patriots fans or be belligerent towards non-Falcon fans because they don’t care.  Show America Atlanta is a classy town no matter the outcome.
  • Don’t be like “chowds.”  New England fans are called “Chowderheads” but “chowds” are the arrogant, obnoxious, insufferable jerks who make Cowboy Nation and Raiderfan look like teddy bears.  Some Boston fans wear this monicker as a badge of honor…it isn’t.  Whatever you do, make sure you treat other fans with respect if you win.  Don’t become the entitled spoiled brats who think the Patriots and Red Sox are the unbeatable monsters and deserve to win the titles every year.
  • Remember it’s just a game.  This is not a life and death struggle.  No matter what happens, a Super Bowl win would do wonders for civic pride but it will do little to help poverty and homelessness.  Be kind to your fellow man even in victory because, after all, it is just a game.
  • Enjoy the moment.  Making the Super Bowl is a privilege earned by only two teams every year, and most teams don’t return to win it.  Enjoy this moment because, win or lose, it may not come again.
  • Be responsible.  For the love of God, make sure you get a cab or a bus if you overindulge, and don’t go home angry if they lose.  Be sure to show you are an adult so others aren’t hurt.

Finally, have fun and cheer on your team regardless.  When they get back to Atlanta, no matter the outcome, be proud because they did something only one other team has accomplished this year:  compete for the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

With that said, congrats to the Atlanta Falcons for making it this far.  You deserve it.

Sincerely,

A Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan since 1990z

An Alternative Super Bowl Prediction: A Division of the White House-Trumpco

Today is NFL Championship Sunday.  Of course this means the New England Patriots host the Pittsburgh Steelers in the AFC Championship while the Atlanta Falcons host the Green Bay Packers for the NFC Championship, and 3/4ths of the country will not give a flying crap except to see if their checking account is still intact or has been drained of all discernable life.

I could not go through today without weighing in about this day with the help of my cats.  Max, Annabella, Bentley and Rex have all provided their particular predictions on who will win today’s contest by way of their behaviors which, through my amazing powers of feeding them and changing their litter, will attempt to interpret.

Max:  When I mention the Atlanta Falcons, Max makes a bizarre chirping noise which sounds like a cross between a cricket and dinosaur in mating season.  That would correspond well to the sound a Packers fan makes when they had one too many Miller Lite cans.  Prediction:  Packers win by 3 belches…and a field goal.

Annabella:  My youngest cat has very little idea about football, but she likes bright colors.  Sadly, no team has any bright colors so she goes for the team which tosses the ball around the most.  Prediction:  Falcons lose but throw the ball a lot (which is why they lose.)

Bentley:  My oldest cat really don’t give a flying shit about who wins becuase, as far he’s concerned, they are all genetically inferior to him.  Based on that assessment, we are going to assume he is a Pats fan today.  Prediction:  Patriots win and protests ensue.

Rex:  The weirdest cat we own likes to bark like dog, and that means zilch today.  The Georgia Dome will also be rendered meaningless today, as well the Steelers.  Prediction:  Falcons win and so do the Patriots, and they both jump like little boys and girls around the respective trophies.

Now, my Super Bowl matchup prediction, based on the level of stink in my home after a recently collective crapping by all cats, is the Atlanta Falcons vs. the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LI:  Embrace the Stink and Make the NFL Great Again with Alternative Super Bowls.

Have fun and drink one for me.

The News, as it happens, or happened…or something or other.

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Like SHE’s upset Obama got blocked!

The SCOTUS ruling about President Obama’s immigration executive order decision direction Jade Helm Alpha Omega Slimer 3 is not really a ruling at all.  It was a tie vote, which left Americans everywhere with that feeling Georgia Bulldog fans have in the pit of their stomachs when they see their team take to the field each year in Jacksonville (oh stop your whining!  You know the Gators got your number til Vince Dooley retires and breaks the Donald Trump-Herschel Walker curse).  That being said, it’s time to talk about several random news items which make no sense when talked about separately, and make even less sense when they are brought together.  Of course, in my bipolar mind, that only means one thing – the average human brain will be reduced to the consistency of an Eggo waffle by the time it’s done processing this work.

Yep, I’m back, bitches!  And away we go:

  • President Barack Obama, during a news conference following the SCOTUS tie vote, announces he has begun a new system in which Congressional Representatives can toss yellow flags into the press room to challenge his orders. He then states those flags must be called “maize” to avoid offending the Pro-Yellow-Crayon Lobby.
  • Christian Evangelist Jerry Falwell Jr., in a stunning moment of candor, is seen admitting that he once dated a woman who knew someone who knew a Playboy model, and thus God forgave him for some sort of sin, though nobody really knows what.
  • Ivan Reitman announced he is working on a concept for a new animated series based on the upcoming Ghostbusters reboot. How they plan to incorporate good animation remains to be seen.
  • The University of Texas, following the SCOTUS ruling in favor of their Affirmative Action practices, announced they are eliminating all beef products at every game, citing a need to become more “Chicken and Pork Inclusive.”
  • Las Vegas made a stunning announcement yesterday, declaring June 22 of each year “National Gambling Abstinence Day.” Following that announcement and several minutes of unbridled laughter by local residents, the NHL awarded the city a hockey franchise, and everyone shrugged.
  • Gladys Knight’s Chicken and Waffles, an Atlanta culinary institution on Peachtree Street, was shuttered when state revenue agents, conducting a raid, realized the food was actually decent and began combing the restaurant for the recipe book, which was reportedly spirited away, along with $650,000 in illegally kept sales taxes, but nobody really cares about that. The chicken is the thing.
  • Sumter County’s Sheriff’s race ended with incumbent Pete Smith defeating challenger Phillip Daniels. Everyone gathered at the local Walmart afterwards and shared a cold Yoo-Hoo, except for community-minded voters, who actually had jobs to go to.
  • Reporters were given a sneak peak at the Atlanta’s MercedesBenzPorscheBankofAmericaWhileCanWeBribeThisWeek Stadium and Theme Park, and discovered the horrifying reality that a pro football stadium’s roof, when it opens, resembles a rose. Chants of “flower power” could be heard coming from visiting Tampa Bay fans.

Told ya I was back.

Just an FYI, I will be orienting this blog towards both humor and mental health awareness.  Yes, it’s an odd combination, but I do believe it’s the best use of my talents.  My best to you all!

Winter Storm 2016 – Live, Local, and (not really) factual coverage

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Shown:  Snowjam 2014 traffic pileups in Atlanta.  Not shown:  Genuine leadership during this crisis.

An hour-by-hour, blow-by-blow, flake-by-flake (not precipitation, mind you) update of tonight’s storm coverage of Atlanta’s latest winter storm threat, code named “UGA 22”.

6:30 PM – Weather centers go into Storm Alert Hyper Command Central Super Master God Mode, and meteorologists report a run on concealer at local drug stores, purchased by interns at local television stations.

7:15 PM – Alabama officials declare a state of emergency when the University of Alabama, hit hard by the storm in advance of its effects on the state, runs out of beer.

7:40 PM – A disaster declaration is issued for 1,921 counties in Tennessee, but officials quickly retract that as a case of “mistaken mathematics.”  Hockey fans in Nashville erupt into celebratory drunkenness when the Predators reveal they actually won a game.

8:01 PM – Georgia Governor Nathan Deal, in a stunning act of clarity, declares the winter storm “snowy.”  He advises all government officials to engage in business as usual tomorrow, and simply stay home.

8:45 PM – Walker County, Georgia officials declare a Countywide State of Readiness, then pull it back when they realize Bebe Heiskell isn’t there, and declare an “Actual, Real, Honest-to-God State of Emergency – Yes folks, we MEAN IT THIS TIME!”

9:10 PM – The United States Government announce plans for “Jade Helm 2102233:  Winter is Coming.”  House Lannister immediately declares war on the United States.

9:23 PM – Sumter County, Georgia advises residents to stay in their homes until the storm passes, but that advisory is cancelled when citizens in Americus suddenly begin asking why public input on the advisory was denied.

9:40 PM – All Atlanta television stations convert to DEFCON -3:  Snowpocalyptic Zombies when a purported video surfaces showing Elsa being bitten by a moose and walking around eating snowman brains.

9:41 PM  – Five accidents, all involving squirrels, occur in Walker County.  No injuries are reported, as these accidents involved drunk people on bicycles.

10:05 PM – Northeast Georgia is declared a pre-emptive “disaster zone” as the result of forecasted blizzard conditions including wind, rain and 2 inches of snow.

10:10 PM – An incident in Dahlonega is averted when fans of the Hunger Games were reminded the advisory was for “Snow, not President Snow!”

10:18 PM – The University of Georgia, in an effort to avert a snow-related disaster, offer former Head Coach Mark Richt his job back in exchange for a prayer vigil at Sanford Stadium.

10:24 PM – NASA scientists announce a rogue planet on the outskirts of Pluto which is three times its size, features hot and cold running water, and a mischievous looking blue man tossing snowballs towards earth.  They forecast the snowballs to hit Atlanta around 3 PM, EST, on March 9, 2032.  Governor Nathan Deal issues a post-dated disaster declaration.

10:33 PM – Atlanta radio stations begin declaring themselves the “Local, Live, Late Breaking, 24 hour storm and traffic disaster station, and all your local hits, all the time.”  Local officials refuse comment.

10:45 PM – Kylo Ren was asked for comment on the snowstorm, but stabbed the cameraman with his lightsaber.

11:01 PM – Ice crystals began forming on the front doors of local businesses.  Local television stations spring into action with “live, local, late breaking and round the clock super coverage of the Winter Storm.”

And so it goes.  Happy motoring, stay safe, be sure to tip your news anchor.  He or she is on duty, watching the storm and waiting for the next accident to hit.

The week that was, well, rather shitty worldwide!

It’s time to a look at some of the things that happened in the news last week which you may have missed.  Please ensure your tray tables and associated adult beverages and websites are in their upright, locked and concealed-from-the-significant other positions:

  • The People’s Republic of China unleashed its most devastating military device ever, the Mother of All Traffic Jams.
    The better question to all this is how the HELL are the roads on the SIDE of the freeway clear enough to play a game of touch football?

    Currently classified by the Pentagon as the DOHT-50 “Holycrap,” the Chinese government explained the incident as the result of a new traffic checkpoint which pinches the expressway from 50 lanes down to a needle-thin 20 lanes.  The road, called the Hong Kong-Beijing-Macau G4 Fast and Furious Highway of Doom Expressway (so the Chinese government embellished the name a little.  Like that’s new!), is the main artery connecting most of China’s population to valuable urban centers such as the Clinton-Walton Family Slave Labor Compound and Theme Park, as well Chinese “Dizneeland” (now featuring “Pirates of the Internet:  We Swiped Your Nude Selfies Off Ashley Madison!”)   This particular tie-up stranded thousands of drivers coming back from the a long national holiday known as the “Golden Week.”  It’s unclear why the checkpoint was installed, though government officials vowed to get to the bottom of the tie-up, thought one official brazenly said “eat your heart out, Atlanta!”

  • Speaking of Atlanta, Republic Presidential candidate Donald J. “Dr. J” Trump spoke at the North Atlanta Trade Center this past weekend. He touched on a variety of subjects, from national security to allegations that President Obama would soon sign an executive order banning wild wavy up-do’s in wealthy blondes with two kids and several jets.  He also mentioned how free trade would allow marketers to come up with more creative names for a venue than the “North Atlanta Trade Center,” such as “the North Atlanta Trump Trade Exposition Hall of Trump Fame.”  In a rather controversial moment, one member of the crowd screamed “Florida SUCKS,” but Trump quickly deflected that comment and reminded the crowd that the University of Georgia is a fine school with the fine tradition of having the exact same colors as the security guards in Star Trek, and seemingly lasting as long in their respective season.  Trump managed to escape without injury.
  • South Carolina continues to attempt to drip dry following the deluge of rain it received over the last few weeks.
    Police later confirmed a lost vehicle report filed by Aqua Man.

    Millions of dollars in aid from the government are expected to assist residents with disaster relief, as well as the issuance of an unprecedented number of street fishing permits.  A now-viral picture posted on social media showed what appeared to be a shark swimming down a flooded street near Myrtle Beach.  No word as to whether the creature was pulled over by a dolphin and cited for failing to stop.

  • Nearly a dozen small earthquakes were felt across Kansas last week. According to KWCH-TV (Motto:  “The Wizard of News!”), the U.S. Geological survey noted 11 temblors hitting a two county area of the Sunflower State, though none were over a magnitude 2.5 on the Richter Scale, or in an area with a confirmed population of over ten people.  One geologist was reported to describe the series of quakes as “like someone dropping almost a dozen houses on the area.”  The National Weather Service reported no tornadoes in the area, and the Ministry of Wizardry reported no broom sightings, either, though local animal control officials did see a spike in renegade dog poop linked to Cairn Terriers.
  • The CEO of Alaska Airlines, Brad Tilden, was forced to admit something to a trade show group in Washington, D.C. this past week. Namely, he was forced to eat his own airline’s food.  In a related story, he also noted his luggage was lost by the airline, and asked the media to please, oh please, for the love of God and all things decent, do not put this into a giant, 30 point boldfaced headline which would be instantly searchable by Google and featured on Fark.com.  Officials at the Alaska Airlines Baggage Claim Department were unavailable for comment, but they did indicate my call would be answered in approximately “two…hundred…hours.  Please hold for a friendly representative to take your call…we appreciate your business while on hold.”

    Shown: Alaska Airlines CEO Brad Tilden, aircraft and ground crew. Not Shown: Tilden’s luggage and remnants of his airline food lunch in the form of vomit strewn on the tarmac.
  • A recent survey indicated that residents of the Atlanta metropolitan area pay the highest ATM fees in the nation, averaging nearly $5 per withdrawal. Said one bank executive on the condition of strict anonymity, lest this writer be drawn-and-quartered, “Screw the average guy!  I’ve got a party in Buckhead to be at in 5 minutes!”

Atlanta traffic, “Uptown Funk” style

cropped-atlanta.jpgI’m going to have some fun with some lyrics.  This parody of “Uptown Funk” is actually a biting commentary on the state of Atlanta traffic!  Anyone who chooses to set this ditty to music, please comment with a link to the music so I can watch it!  Thanks, and enjoy!

This is a song for that jam on the connector
This one’s for those backups, those gridlocks, straight cluster*beep*
Sittin’, idlin’, rising with those tempers.
Gonna’ blow up, or blow out, can’t cry so we all whimper.

 

Say what?  Traffic jam!
Call the police unit and HERO man!
Say what?  Traffic jam!
Collisions all over the place.

Say what?  Traffic jam!
The Perimeter and I-20.
Say what?  Traffic jam!
Four hundreds screwed again!

 

Traffic folks goin crazy!
Traffic folks goin crazy!
Traffic folks goin crazy!
Cause At-Lan-ta traffic’s crazy now
At-Lan-ta traffic’s crazy now
All lanes blocked, it’s gridlocked!
Atlanta traffic just sucks!!!

 

Atlanta traffic just sucks!!!

 

Whoa, whoa whoa now….STOP!
Wait a minute! Pull over, it’s a HERO unit!
Wait sec, there’s a wreck, here’s the folks with the stretch!
Wrecks in Austell, Cumberland, Ashford-Dunwoody,
If you drive it, gonna get stuck.
As soon as you hit that freeway!

 

Say what?  Accident!
Call the police and HERO man!
Say what?  Accident!
Jammed everything up to its limit.
Say what?  Accident!
Got the traffic folks going bonkers again.
Say what?  Accident!
Soundin red alerts again!  Here we go…

 

Traffic folks goin crazy!
Traffic folks goin crazy!
Traffic folks goin crazy!
Cause At-Lan-ta traffic’s crazy now
At-Lan-ta traffic’s crazy now
All lanes blocked, it’s gridlocked!
Atlanta traffic just sucks!!!

 

Before you go…
Let me share a little somethin
Atlanta traffic sucks, Atlanta traffic sucks.
Atlanta traffic sucks, Atlanta traffic sucks.
Atlanta traffic sucks, Atlanta traffic sucks.
Atlanta traffic sucks, Atlanta traffic sucks.

 

Don’t…jump on it…you’re better off on MARTA
Aint worth bein stuck there an hour.
You’ll save gas just parkin
Don’t…jump on it…you’re better off on MARTA
All lanes are blocked, it’s gridlocked
Atlanta traffic just sucks.

 

Atlanta traffic just sucks. (repeat to the end)