Category Archives: News

Worldview: The word which has empowered propaganda machines of the left and right

Worldview (n.) – a comprehensive conception or apprehension of the world especially from a specific standpoint. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

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Nothing truer than this.

Worldview is everything in political belief, whether or not we wish to admit it. What dictates beliefs from an ideological standpoint varies widely from person to person. The extremes of both sides of the ideological aisles often fail to see, or choose to be blind to, this fact. What is more bothersome is that many of the things which we hold as truths, as Obi-Wan Kenobi once observed with such eloquence, depends entirely on our point of view or, to use a more modern vernacular, our worldview.

This definitely affects how news and information is approached and received. The notion of “fake news” is not a new concept; President Theodore Roosevelt spoke of reporters who infiltrated sweatshops in America’s Northeast and Midwest in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s as “muckrakers.” To him, many of these reporters were simply attempting to sensationalize the conditions, such as those described in Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle, in an attempt to advance an agenda. Granted, this was largely the case and did achieve historic changes which led to modern health and safety rules in the workplace, but Roosevelt and, more to the point, industrialists directly affected by the changes caused by said articles, regarded these journalists as self-serving do-gooders whose publishers where more concerned about selling newspapers than actually looking out for the national interest. It is very familiar song.

While the journalists of that time were unjustly regarded as parasites, today’s media has created much of its own perception issues, but those problems have also been exacerbated by the proliferation of the sources which cater to one particular worldview. Websites such as RedState, Huffington Post, NewsMax, and Mother Jones were all established with one purpose – activist journalism, which takes legitimate information and manipulates it to advance an agenda, be it conservative or liberal. These websites have become popular, and even trusted, because traditional legacy sources such as network news and periodicals such as Time, Newsweek and USA Today lost sight of their primary mission – to inform the public. Instead, traditional information sources have focused more on the viewpoints of individual writers and “anchors” to “sell the story,” rather than letting the story sell itself.

A great example would be to compare the Trump Administration to the Nixon Administration in terms of media coverage. Today’s media is focused on “pouncing;” attacking what the President does with Twitter, or what his underlings say in press conferences, and picking it apart. The media of the Nixon era was more concerned with receiving information as it was disseminated, analyzing it, and finding inconsistencies. While it was not entirely investigative journalism, the reporters of Nixon’s day focused more on the facts and allowed that administration to create its own worst nightmare; impeachable offenses revealed through a combination of individual hubris and collective administration incompetence. For the Nixon White House, the gaffes of ego committed by the cabal led by both Nixon himself and advisors, such G. Gordon Liddy, did more damage to that President than any newspaper editorial ever could. For Trump’s Administration, the media now appears to be willing patsies in a war of misinformation and blatant ego inflation. Rather than reporting on inconsistencies and obvious conflicts of interests, the media’s obsession with the President’s twitter feed and what his children do in their off hours appears to be stuff of political and editorial vendettas, as opposed to the work of truth-seeking reporters.

During operation Desert Storm in 1992, the late Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf pulled one of the great distraction moves in modern warfare. He sent coalition forces to the Kuwait border in such numbers to keep the late Saddam Hussein’s forces occupied and obsessed with stopping a direct invasion and then, in a bold move, launched a massive offensive to west of Kuwait, destroying the Iraqi Army’s rear lines. Much of Trump’s campaign and administration’s public relations moves appear to be the same; focus media and public attention away from the more pressing issues of the day by using marketing buzzwords and research to distract the public and media, then working to do things his way without public scrutiny. This sort of distraction is a classic tactic in business – use distraction in negotiations to focus attention on one hot-button issue in order to gain larger concessions on broader matters, and his most vocal, rabid supporters are defending him at every single turn, no matter how questionable his statements on these matters. A good question is why are these voters buying into it, but a better question is how is Trump pulling it off?

The answer is simple; Trump is playing to the fears of his base’s worldview.

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Former Fox host Glenn Beck, who became famous for his conspiracy chalkboards, started his conservative talk career at WFLA-AM in Tampa in 1998.

Many Trump voters share a similar, if not identical, worldview; a collective group of nations, largely Muslim, which seek to destroy the United States by any means necessary. While several of these nations exist, most lack the will or ability to strike even indirectly. In addition, they feel that corporate America is part of a globalist cabal which seeks to destroy the American-Western way of life. Some of these worldviews also put white Anglo-Saxon protestants (so called “WASPs”) at the top of the world pyramid of authority. Others espouse the worldview that Western culture is far superior to any others on Earth – former radio host and libertarian standard-bearer Neal Boortz once famously admitted he was not a racist but a “culturalist,” stating he did believe that Western civilization was superior to all others on Earth and must retain its eminence, and TheBlaze founder Glenn Beck was pulled from Fox News when even the heads of the largely conservative-oriented news network got the jitters over Beck’s increasingly conspiratorial claims on his own short-lived TV program.

While these worldviews are often based in personal experience, they can also be based in a facade of nationalism designed to profit from the fears and emotions of those who seek validation of their beliefs and views. It is these individuals, such as conspiracy theorist and radio host Alex Jones and Breitbart head/Trump advisor Scott Bannon, who are the greatest purveyors of convincing misinformation. In Bannon’s case, a reasonable individual can deduce one reason for his practices – packaging propaganda in a veneer of factual data to present in such a way that it’s accepted because it matches the accepted views of those who voted for Trump in the first place and, therefore, emboldens the President to behave in a manner which is to the advantage of both Bannon and those of his ilk.

To many, the media is not reliable because it was the media itself who bought into the notion of not only informing the public, but influencing it to act in accordance with a narrative. Individuals such as CNN’s Anderson Cooper and Nancy Grace, MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow and Chris Matthews, and even Fox News’ newest crop of hosts are not journalists in the true sense of the world, but commentators using the facts given by genuine reporters to advance an agenda. This is reminiscent of another individual who has used legitimate reporting as a means to advance an agenda – The 700 Club’s Pat Robertson. The controversial conservative minister’s Christian Broadcasting Network, though a reasonably ethical operation on its own, allows its facts to be manipulated for Robertson’s own purposes, mainly fundraising. For this reason, CBN suffers from a heavy dose of “guilt by association,” and is regarded as a less-than-credible outlet for information.

Another example of worldview issues could be found on the other end of the spectrum, BBC News. For years, Britain’s government-owned network was regarded as a go-to source for information from around the world, with strong ethics and a high standard of quality and accuracy. As time went on, BBC’s own anchors became more and more focused on news which portrayed the United States in a less-than-flattering way and, for that reason, aided far-right media types in a campaign to paint the mainstream media as liberal elitists. Unfortunately, this image was only entrenched further when a scandal broke within the BBC’s ranks exposing editorial bias being encouraged and dissent being quashed by network bosses. Those with a worldview of journalists being nosy crusaders only concerned with their career found their views confirmed, and this only served to undermine the media and enhance the position of ideologically-oriented websites which take legitimate information and spin it to suit their needs.

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MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, known for her fiery ultra-left views, is considered part of why the network’s ratings continue to languish far behind CNN and Fox News.

So how can we separate the good from the bad, the reliable from the speculative. Critical thinking comes into play here. If something doesn’t an instinctual “smell test,” chances are it is either false or manipulated. Stories about Trump which seem too crazy to be truth tend to be so, just as stories about former President Obama also lean that way. Both sides have websites which focus on fomenting resistance though inflammatory news articles, and both are extremely adept at pointing fingers at the other side while denying stories which they themselves plant. One way to determine the veracity of story is to know the backgrounds of the writers. When one sees the words “activists,” or “political expert” or “left” or “right” in their bio, it is a fairly safe bet that writer has the interests of their cause, not the reader, at heart.

While some ideologically oriented websites have quality informational articles, double checking the information though other mainstream sources is always advised. If even a sliver of the information is accurate, it could point to a much greater situation. Nevertheless, worldview contributes to how we view news, whether we want to admit it or not.

A word about why American politics are so f—-d up.

Warning: this post may be offensive to everyone on earth. Better to close it now and get it over with.
Since the inauguration of Donald Trump as President, protests and riots have swept across the nation.  The new President has signed executive order after executive order, and the country is more polarized than ever.  The more I look at things, the more I can see the origins of a lot of these issues and it comes down to a saying by the late pro football coach Vince Lombardi:

“Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.”

Somewhere along the way, both the left and the right decided that their way was the not only the right way, but the only way to run things.  Instead of being open to new ideas and practicing moderation, extremism took root, aided by the absolutism made fertile by talk radio hosts, many of whom have turned out to be, themselves, outright hypocrites.  Both left and right pointed the finger at each other, decrying the other’s way as “evil” and “corrupt,” tossing about buzzwords like “income redistribution,” “globalism,” “market freedom” and “indoctrination.”

In the end, both sides are guilty of fomenting national discord for the sake of their own ambitions and avarice.  Both extremes are akin to fans of opposing teams in the Super Bowl who use the exact same offensive and defensive strategies.  The only differences are the cities represented, team colors and the one massive variable:  personalities.

This year’s Super Bowl is a great example. New England’s Tom Brady is a person who draws absolute reactions.  You either love him or you hate him.  You either admire his guile for exploiting lax rules enforcement with “deflategate,” or he is a cheater.  For Atlanta, you either love Matt Ryan for his stoicness in games and his ability to heave the ball downfield with stunning accuracy, or you hate him for his occasional post game showboating and arrogance or the demands of owner Arthur Blank.  Long story short, team affiliation and cults of personalities determine the fan base.

America’s political landscape is much the same way anymore.  It’s no longer about “what’s right for America.”  Rather, many citizens have become so fed up with the demands of either side, their rhetoric, and the approach to life their supporters take, the “win at all costs” attitude has permeated American politics.  You either love Donald Trump and what he espouses, or you loved Hillary Clinton.  Anyone who isn’t on the side of an extreme allegiance is a gutless moderate, or an independent who is immediately picked apart for which side of the ideological aisle they most identify with, regardless of if their heart is good.

We are no longer a nation which compromises for the good of all; we are a country obsessed with winning and being “right,” even if being right means may the good of the nation be damned, so long as our side prevails.  We no longer see shades of gray, or the empty spaces in between the argument where facts get lost in the name of victory.  It is now black and white terms:  good and evil, order and chaos, life and death, left and right….and zero in between allowed.

Both sides are guilty on this one.  The far right has pushed gun rights, the far left gun restriction.  The far right pushes free market and free will as the answer to everything, while the far left pushes government as the solution.  Both sides point the finger at each other when something goes wrong.  A great idea is only a great idea of our side came up with it.  If one side comes up with a truly great idea, the other side will do everything they can to stop it, and vice versa.  Why?  Because it wasn’t their idea. They can’t take credit, so they want no part of it.

This is where our nation has been taken. Compromise is death.  Bipartisanship is evil.  The left will destroy the rights of all.  The right will destroy the rights of all.  They are both the same, but they are different.  The left wants people to be lifted up, but so does the right.  The only difference is the means it happens and who at the very top benefits.  It’s old money family rivalries on a global scale.  The same monster with two heads and the same master manipulating both heads, in this case the people are the brains inside the heads, to fight each other.

But why?

Did it not occur to anyone here that if a world leader with access to nuclear weapons gets into a pissing match with another world leader with nuclear weapons in this age of “pride before prudence,” things could end VERY VERY BADLY? This is not the old Cold War era where world leaders understood the concept of mutual assured destruction. In this era where all that matters is winning, regardless of the cost, MAD isn’t really so crazy anymore.  It’s considered “acceptable risk.”

That said, here’s something think about:  all the protests and guns on earth won’t mean shit if there’s nothing left to protest or no one to kill. Yes, people are angry at each other and there are powerful people making a ton of money off pitting us against each other, but do you really think any of them give a damn about YOU when the mushroom clouds start rising? They already planned for this years ago.  At the risk of sounding like a conspiracy theorist, anyone who thinks those in position of true power haven’t found some way to gain from a world atomic holocaust are sadly mistaken.  They get to rebuild the world, only the way they see fit.

We can stop all this madness, but we need to focus on what we see happening, not the rhetoric being said or the memes being posted. Focus on what’s real instead of what is imagined. We still have a judicial system and civilian control of our military. I know people are saying we need to strike “just in case.” What is that going to accomplish? To all of you wanting a civil war to settle it all, do you really think that dying for SOMEONE ELSE’S CHECKBOOK is more important than the ideals espoused in our Constitution and Declaration of Independence, because I guarantee you that most of your radio and television pundits and commentators, liberal or conservative, couldn’t remember the Bill of Rights, much less which state first ratified the constitution.  They CAN, however, remember their bank account number and safe combination, easily.

Those want to die, or are okay with friends and loved ones dying, to impose their worldview of America on everyone else, are EXACTLY the sort of danger George Washington spoke of in his farewell address. We need to take a long hard look in the mirror as a nation, stop worrying about who is offended by who said what and what injustice was committed by people long dead, and instead focus on the injustices being committed right now, against us by each other. We need to look at our current immigrants who may not have gotten here legally, but are law abiding otherwise and a great source of tax revenue.  We need to look at our homeless and see how much of it is true laziness and how much of it is actually mental illness which, once treated effectively, can unlock the minds of potential geniuses.  We need to feed our hungry children so they can feel compassion and grow into compassionate adult instead of bitter children in adult bodies vying for the power they never knew in youth.  We need to help our veterans who our leaders have come to view as similar to sanitary napkins; something to absorb political blood in photo ops and rituals, but disposed of once they’ve outlived their usefulness.  We need to address the reality that racial tensions exist not so much as the result of what happened over a century ago, but the mistrust formed between races because of old fears turned into old wives tales, which have in turn become cultural norms.
Finally we need to remember and accept that assimilation does not mean elimination.  A people can become law abiding productive citizens without being forced to abandon their cultures and customs.  Immigrants should have to learn our language, history and abide by our laws but should not be required to abandon their heritage and culture in their own homes.  

Yes, there will always be those who wish to harm us, but we should never do the work for them, and our current political climate is doing just that.  We are truly doing our enemies’ dirty work.  We can, we must, learn to listen to the better angels of our nature.  That is what a “more perfect union” is about, after all.

An Open Letter to Atlanta Falcons Fans

Dear Atlanta Falcons Fans:

As a Buccaneers fans living in the Atlanta area, I would like to congratulate Falcons fans for their team reaching the Super Bowl.  Now this is not the first time the Dirty Birds made it to the big game, but it is, by far, the best Falcons team to get to this point.  Having said that, there are some thoughts which a fan of a one-time Super Bowl champion and division rival would like to share.

  • Be classy in victory or defeat.  Regardless of the outcome, show good sportmanship.  Don’t assault Patriots fans or be belligerent towards non-Falcon fans because they don’t care.  Show America Atlanta is a classy town no matter the outcome.
  • Don’t be like “chowds.”  New England fans are called “Chowderheads” but “chowds” are the arrogant, obnoxious, insufferable jerks who make Cowboy Nation and Raiderfan look like teddy bears.  Some Boston fans wear this monicker as a badge of honor…it isn’t.  Whatever you do, make sure you treat other fans with respect if you win.  Don’t become the entitled spoiled brats who think the Patriots and Red Sox are the unbeatable monsters and deserve to win the titles every year.
  • Remember it’s just a game.  This is not a life and death struggle.  No matter what happens, a Super Bowl win would do wonders for civic pride but it will do little to help poverty and homelessness.  Be kind to your fellow man even in victory because, after all, it is just a game.
  • Enjoy the moment.  Making the Super Bowl is a privilege earned by only two teams every year, and most teams don’t return to win it.  Enjoy this moment because, win or lose, it may not come again.
  • Be responsible.  For the love of God, make sure you get a cab or a bus if you overindulge, and don’t go home angry if they lose.  Be sure to show you are an adult so others aren’t hurt.

Finally, have fun and cheer on your team regardless.  When they get back to Atlanta, no matter the outcome, be proud because they did something only one other team has accomplished this year:  compete for the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

With that said, congrats to the Atlanta Falcons for making it this far.  You deserve it.

Sincerely,

A Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan since 1990z

BREAKING NEWS: Hope for those who suffer from TIRED

We interrupt this election cycle for a special medical announcement:

Experts have been discovered a terrible new medical issue afflicting millions worldwide, so much that even the most mundane of tasks, such as the World Series, must be interrupted for this breaking news announcement.  The announcement is being announced for the sake of all affected by premature medical announcements.  Here is the announcement.

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This individual is suffering symptoms of the insidious condition known as TIRED.

According to a worldwide medical cadre of people who call themselves “cadres,” a new strain of life-depleting symptoms have arrayed themselves against mankind.  This condition is called Total Irrational Reasoning Exhaustion Disorder, or TIRED.  This syndrome has become a worldwide scourge, one which must be controlled, contained and, if necessary, eradicated through a complex series of maneuvers which are still being developed by scientists in well shrouded bunkers around the world, most of which are located near large sources of caffeinated organic filling fuel environment epicenters, or COFFEE.

Scientific studies have concluded, in fact, that reduction of the symptoms of TIRED can be directly affected by proximity to COFFEE.  Symptoms of TIRED include irritability upon standing, inability to awaken at a predetermined moment or location, aggravation with stressful situations, predisposition to violence due to loss of patience, extreme bouts of oral inhalation of oxygen, and commonly referred to as “yawning.”  Conversely, the many healthful benefits associated with being near COFFEE have been cited as reduced inclination to violent action, increased sociability, and the desire to engage with everyday life.

Experts warn that TIRED is a relatively new diagnosis and must be treated as such.  It should not be used as an excuse to miss work, school or potentially pleasurable activities, and research holds hope of treatment and possibly, working hand in hand with COFFEE, a potential cure.  Many COFFEE locations have been identified worldwide; easily visible by their association with pastries, sugary products, and a bizarre clientele of youthful entrepreneurs identified by anthropologists as “hipsters.”  These environments have been known to induce states of increased intellectual awareness, as well as lively debate and the occasional argument over which COFFEE location is superior to the other.  According to the research obtained, instances of TIRED are nearly nonexistent at these locations.

We encourage all who read this notice to contact their elected officials immediately and demand that more COFFEEs be made available to combat TIRED.  Unfortunately, some of these officials may be COFFEE averse, instead opting for the time honored tradition of the bribe.

This concludes this Important Message Pertaining to International Safety Health (IMPISH) bulletin.

Time for MORON and DUMBASS to enjoy some “booty” and “swag,” sans Kanye

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Avast!  Ye steal his lady and her “booty,” he’ll take yer “swag” and free donut and beat you down and eat the donut in front of you!

We interrupt this post about my cats Max and Rex, who continue to engage in General Sun Tzu’s time-honored war strategy of “confuse and infuriate,” to bring you this special, super-secret, ultra-high-priority, stuck-in-my-spam-folder message from the US Department of Homeland Security, which has become so secretive they have gone to using Gmail addresses to disguise their activity.  Of course, as part of my patriotic duty as an American, I will “translate” this message from its stilted “bureaucratese” into “Plain English,” but not “Hollywood English,” because I don’t want Kanye West coming to my doorstep to administer a ritual beatdown because I’m using Kim Kardashian’s name and “booty” in the same sentence.

By the way, yesterday was “Talk like a Pirate Day” so using “booty” and “swag” in the standard vernacular would have gotten you free grub at select locations, including Krispy Kreme!

Anyway, here we go with the super secret message and translation:

U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY,MG  Jeh Charles Johnson .
Lowenberg, Adjutant General and Director State Military Department
Washington Military Dept., Bldg1 Camp Murry, Wash 98430-5000 USA.

TRANSLATION:  Don’t even bother to trace this – we don’t even know where it’s coming from.

Good Day To You ,

I hope this email finds you in good spirit and in good health? because i am quite aware of your losses in the past years now through this security office intelligent track devices, it may surprise you that i am also aware of your Consignment Boxes Pursuit In Kenya ,Benin, Ghana, Togo, Nigeria, Spain, France, Malaysia, Indonesia, China, Korea and etc .My name Is Supp. Jeh Charles Johnson,the Current secretary of U.S Department Of Homeland Security, i am in charge to monitor all Foreign Transactions In Africa Europe And Asia and this kept me in constantly traveling round the world.

TRANSLATION:  Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, something, something, foreign transactions, Africa, travel, intelligence, security, blah, blah, blah, setting up the con.

I have been in The U.S Department Of Homeland Security Secret Service now since The Government of President Barack Obama, monitoring the various transactions going on in Africa, Europe And Asia, most especially Consignments Cases, A.T.M Card Cases And Bank Transfer. I do not intend to spoil your day or to put you under duress. But you can not receive any of your Consignments Boxes, A.T.M Card And Bank Transfer  pursuit, without a Clearance from this U.S Department Of
Homeland Security. However, upon my arrival in Kenya after servies of meetings with our President Barack Obama and United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, due to numerous complains from other Security Agencies from Africa Asia, Europe, Oceania, Antarctica,South America And The United States Of America Respectively, and against the Kenya Government and Nigeria over the rate of Scam/Fraudulent Activities going on in these Africa Countries and around the World.

TRANSLATION:  It’s all Obama’s fault!  No, wait!  It’s his idea!  That’s right!

When i arrive in the Kenya Parliament in Nairobi and going through all cases of unpaid funds, i found your Consignment Box Clearance File lying on the Foreign Affair Office Desk without any attention and on a thorough scrutiny, i discovered that your Consignment have been abandoned by your delivery agent. Meanwhile, i was made to understand that the Foreign Affair Office have tried to reach to you, but no way and they have made several attempts to contact your delivery agent but to no avail. To my greatest surprise, during my recent routine Re-Checking, i personally discovered that your Consignment Content Declaration Document (C.C.D.D)stated that your Consignment Contains Personal Effects meanwhile, it contains United States Dollar Cash Us$11 Million Dollars,  (level Million United States Dollars) which made it impossible for the Consignment to be delivered to you earlier before now.

TRANSLATION:  The Department of Homeland Security’s covert financial interception unit, Money Order Retrieval Omnibus Nominal (MORON), is working diligently to locate you.  MORON believes you to be owed monies of some sort, likely in Rupees since nobody else will admit to it.

Based on this personal discovery, i am contacting you now to let you know that with my position and power as the secretary of U.S Department Of Homeland Security and now i am presently here in Republic of Kenya to handle this  matter of all unpaid foreign payment to their respective owners like you, i can assist you to legally clear your Consignment Funds and personally make the shipment to you on my traveling back, but you must agree with the following conditions. Because i have called our office in Washington,Dc from here in Kenya, who has been intercepting all your E-Mail Communications, telephone
Text/Sms messages & all telephone Calls, with the help of Mtn, Tigo Vodafone And Airtel Network Kenya. I also received some information from our Homeland Security Office representing here in Kenya, they have confirmed about your emails, & other communications that you have been dealing and sending Money to
people in Benin, Ghana, South Africa, Togo,  Nigeria , UK & etc who claims to be the Western Union Directors and representative of other unofficial offices. You are also dealing with a Bank, and other names which i am still waiting to be forwarded to me from Our Office In Washington,Dc. My office authority have monitored all your dealings with those Hoodlums.

You are advice to from hence fort stop further dealings with all the above mentioned people, until we complete our investigation. Because your dealing with them is termed as illegal transaction. I wish to inform  you that we the Homeland Security is on look out for all the above mentioned names, mostly those who claims to be the director of West African Debt settlement, Western Union And Money Gram And A.T.M Card offices and including the property recovery Benin. All these mentioned people are imposters, and we intend to apprehend them soon. I want you to please stop communicating, and dealing with them until we complete our investigation. I wish to notify you about the latest development concerning your Consignment Box content of your total USD$11 Million that was already handed over to me today. Your Consignment Box content of your total USD$11 Million was assigned to me today after the meeting held between me and some of the top Parliament members of Kenya and the Foreign Affair Minister in the Kenya Capital Commercial Headquarters Nairobi, due to the delay by you as nobody has haired from you to receive your Consignment Box For Long time now.

TRANSLATION:  MORON and its partner agency, Dual Use Mail Bureau Assistance Service System (DUMBASS) are beginning a process which requires you to cease contact with anyone but MORON and DUMBASS immediately.  We mean it.

Accordingly, we have waived away all your Consignment Box “Clearance Fees” and authorized the Government of Kenya Republic to allow me fly with this your approved Consignment Box to make the delivery to you without any delay which they have agreed. The only Fee you will Pay to confirm Your Consignment Box received in your possession is the “Air Flight Weight Fee” of  your Consignment Box which is the sum of USD$98.00 only.In order words your Briefcase is with me now and i shall be coming to your country to make the delivery to you as soon as you sent me your below shipping details/Address where you will want
your consignment be deliver to you.

TRANSLATION:  MORON and DUMBASS have contracted with Federal Office Of Logistics (FOOL) to ensure you receive your prompt payment.  You have also been identified as a prime candidate to be employed with MORON, DUMBASS and FOOL.  We hope you accept this offer but need the following information:

Your Full Name: ………
Your Full Address:  ……
Your Direct Telephone Numbers: ………….

Preferably, you can send us your Mobile Phone number to enable an urgent direct  contact with you hence the arrival in your city. Hence i hear from you also with the MTCN Numbers for the fee payment of  the Air Flight Weight Fee of your Consignment Box which is the sum of USD$98.00 only, then, i will be coming along with your Consignment Briefcase  Box content of your USD$11 Million, but remember that as the secretary of The Department Of Homeland Security United States Of America, i am a Us Government Secret Security Agent and i have the power to go through any Airport Customs and security Agents without personal inspection or inspecting what i carry along. And as soon as i arrive in your state, i will give you a telephone call and instantly send an email to you from my official I pad Hand Computer which is always with me while traveling around the world so that you will give me a direction on how we can meet Face to Face and i will physically hand over your Consignment Box to you before proceeding back to to my official duty Post in the States.

TRANSLATION:  I have an Ipad, and I need your money to finance its purchase because MORON, DUMBASS and FOOL sent the money elsewhere.  Who knew they were so dense?  Also, send me money through Western Union because the rest of this memo was cut off as because it was so ridiculously written that even a preschooler using a Common Core-designed See-N-Spell can see right through it.

Sincerely Yours,
SUPP. INTELLIGENCY GENERAL,Jeh Charles Johnson
From The U.S Department Of Homeland Security
Email: usdepartmentofhomelandsecuri8@gmail.com
phone number +254738404446

TRANSLATION:  If you buy this tripe, you should immediately be disqualified from voting because you are likely a member of the Pastafarian Party and write in the Flying Spaghetti God as your candidate.  On second thought, that’s not a bad choice!

Oh, and they have nothing to do with the swag booty beatdown for the free Krispy Kreme donut.  We think that’s the case, anyway.

Hermine Update:  Gentlemen, start your generators and Xboxes

Hurricane Hermine is poised to hit the Big Bend area of Florida tonight with up to 90 mph winds, heavy rains, swells and enough news sensationalism to power ratings for at least three years past the current election cycle.  News outlets all across the region have sprung into action, activating teams of reporters, throngs of meteorologists, and legions of “spotters” looking for their chance for the $10,000 prize and a shot at “America’s Favorite Attention Hog.”

The suggested storm track of Hermine puts it approximately 100 miles northwest of Cedar Key, too far for any beach bar indulging, but well within reach of Tallahassee, and its famous Tennessee Street party district but, much like the Florida General Assembly, this area has appeared to have cleared out.  Florida Governor Rick Scott, in a stunning moment of clarity, ordered a State of Emergency declared, which he later told reporters was “privileged information” and, having been sent from his private account long before Hillary Clinton cleared out for her next fundraiser, was not subject to state open records laws.  Georgia Governor Nathan Deal lost the game for the Peach State when he fumbled the declaration and Scott recovered it.  Deal issued a partial declaration hours later but, by then, the game was already a blowout.  The rematch is set for late November in Jacksonville.

We are pleased to report that news stations across South Georgia are up and running in their “Storm Centers,” featuring “live, local, late breaking” reports consisting of reporters replaying and re-narrating video shot several hours prior.  We are also pleased to report that no news anchors, weather anchors or sportscasters were harmed in the making of said reports.  We can’t say the same of radio broadcasters, as many are reported to be holed in the same studios they’ve been in since 2012, eating the same freeze dried food purchased by station management to survive the Mayan apocalypse.  Zombie sightings have been filed near radio stations in Tallahassee and Albany but it is believed these are just station employees suffering the effects of “food insurance hangover.”

Finally tonight, we must pay tribute to our athletes who are caught in this storm.  Hermine has commit an act of blasphemy as many high school football games across Georgia and Florida have been rescheduled.   Reports of exorcisms being performed at high school venues are unsubstantiated, but at least one fan is blaming Hermine for the upcoming Georgia Bulldogs season, saying “might as well get it out of the way now.”

Well, that’s all we have here at storm central.  Have a safe evening and please, don’t try this at home unless of course you’re at home in the path of the storm and, in that case, have lots of quality adult beverage standing by, along with a generator with which to plug in your Xbox and modem.

Five Souls Now Stars In The Sky

Five lives snuffed in an instant
Victims of evil’s hand.
The backstory is unimportant
What matters is the bullets were fired in malice.

When does it become right to take a life?
Is it in defense of one’s person?
Of one’s nation?
Of one’s cause?

When we allow ourselves to judge
To become the law, personified
We become the worst of us
Regardless if who you are.

Some will say it was coming
Does it make it right?
Can’t we find a solution to this morass
And support those who serve and protect?

All deserve a life of dignity
All deserve to come home at night
All deserve to be surrounded by loved ones
All deserve to go where appreciated.

Blue is the color of calm
It is the color of the sky
Those who died Monday night
Join those in the sky, flying
Becoming as the stars they wore in life.