Category Archives: Love

Some legit reasons men just won’t commit

This is the season for many to become serious about relationships, and Valentine’s Day is one of the most high-pressure days for men in the Western World. Ladies, it’s easy to become annoyed and frustrated with your man when he refuses to commit, but there are often some valid reasons for his cold feet. While I am not a relationship expert, counselor, or qualified professional, here are some legitimate laypersons reasons as to why men are not prepared to commit to a serious relationship.

What Have I DoneOnce bitten, twice shy: when a man is deeply wounded in a previous relationship, scars exist. Even if there’s been a so-called “rebound,” it’s not uncommon for a man to want to take his time, or even never fully commit. While most who have come out of a damaging relationship or brutal breakup are encouraged to take some time to themselves, the desire to jump back in to avoid the “lonely bug” can be too great to resist, but with that comes a fear of repeating past mistakes.  This is especially true of relationships where one or both sides were abusive.  Healing time is needed.

kate-winslet-ned-kiss-zA torch still ablaze: guys, we’ve all been there – that woman we once had the strongest feelings on earth for, be it a friend or lover, and then our hopes are dashed. That one “who got away” is the stuff of best-selling love songs.  We try to get past her to move on to someone better.  Still, the fire smolders, waiting for any perceived breath of fresh of air to rekindle it anew, and set our hearts ablaze yet again.  Teensy problem with that; we meet a truly wonderful and committed woman, and that particular little fire still burning in our hearts needs a different fuel for combustion. Until that fire is put out, a new flame cannot hope to burn steady and bright.  The man in your life needs time to put the past behind him, and sometimes a “walkabout” of sorts is needed.

Bachelorhood just feels good: for many men, being single is a great thing. After all, there is nearly zero accountability, zero need to change and almost no risk. By jumping into a committed relationship, the notion of having to actually work with someone, compromise and change oneself for the better ensues. That’s scary enough, but combine that with the idea of children, pets or meeting family, and it feels like a sensory overload most men just are not ready for.  Time won’t cure this one; only maturation will.

yellingUnreasonable expectations: ladies, here’s where it gets unpopular. It’s very easy for women to decide they want a commitment from a man who is, honestly, just doesn’t want it. It could be any number of reasons, but the fact is some men just around ready for commitment, and some never will be. The worst situation of all are men who commit for the wrong reasons, such as custody of children or financial reasons. These almost always devolve into explosive and dangerous breakups.  Communicating expectations is key here, but even the most thorough communication may result in an ending.

Ultimatums: Any self-respecting man, or woman for that matter, will walk away from an ultimatum to be committed. If you tell your beloved “if you won’t commit, I’m out,” you should expect to be alone, period. To give any significant other an ultimatum to commit can be regarded as holding someone hostage emotionally, even if the person being held hostage is the ultimatum giver. Once you’ve gotten to the ultimatum point, the relationship is likely on borrowed time.

Finally there is Superstition: this is the one reason some men use and it’s based on the notion that Valentine’s Day commitments, proposals and such are bad luck. Now, that being said, it’s easy to have serious regrets about saying “yes” in the hoopla of the day. It’s even more common for a woman to not want to let her man down by saying no to that diamond ring. Many relationships which escalate on this day often fail down the road, so many men are skeptical about the validity of proposing in any way on Valentine’s Day.

Some of us just won’t be good commitment material, and sometimes it’s a matter of feeling “they can do it, why can’t I?”  We’ve all been there, and some of us grow out of it faster than others.  So ladies, cut your man a small break if he’s unable to commit.  Let him tell you in his way, in his time but, be aware, some men really aren’t ready to take that big leap. Be kind, compassionate and loving, but firm. Don’t let him hold you hostage, but don’t hold him hostage either. Compassion and love goes far further than demands and frustration, and the commitment which can result may be the best thing you’ve ever known.

FRIENDSHIPS:  Healthy, and unhealthy things which end them

If only all friendships could be this strong

One of the hardest lessons we ever learn is that not every friend we regard as “close” or “best” will be there for us through everything.  You can wish upon a star, mash bloody fingertips together, and pinky swear all you want, the fact is people change, and that means friendships evolve or end.  Usually it is the latter.

There are a ton of theories and hierarchies about friendships and relationships, all of them based in some sort of study.  Here are just some observations of my study of the greatest teacher of all, life.

Most friends are seasonal:  Yes, some friendships can be lifelong, but most friendships only last a short amount of time.  Everything from professional associations to changing tastes can affect a friendship.  People often drift apart as time goes on, and it’s a natural rhythm, just like a season’s change.  Let them be them and you be you.

Money does end friendships:  Let’s be honest – money can and does affect friendships.   Those of means can do things and meet people others can’t.  They often have very different world views and when friends who started out the same financially end up in diametrically different positions, the relationship is often strained.  Resentment can and does often take root and, despite the best efforts friends often make, even the strongest relationships have failed when others plant the dread “why is he/she your friend? He’s not like us” seed in our minds.  The scene in Pretty in Pink where the one rich boy says to the other about Molly Ringwald’s character “she’s not from our world” is, sadly, quite accurate in many cases.

Politics often end friendships, too:  If there is anything this recent election cycle has proven, it’s that politics can fracture and end even the best friendships.   No amount of “besties” could save many relationships affected by vehemently oppositional opinions.  Liberals and conservatives often like to associate with like-minded folks and, as much as this is a detriment to our society as a whole, it is a reality which has destroyed many a good friendship.  In addition, politics often bring out the worst traits and prejudices in people, which also end friendships.

Romantic relationships are nasty things:  A boyfriend or girlfriend can end a relationship with a close friend faster than almost anything.  When you hear them whisper or say directly to you how they don’t like you, that’s a signal you’re on borrowed time.  Your friendship may reboot later but, chances are, with a massive loss of trust and vastly changed circumstances.

Unrequited feelings:  Well, this is a big one.  There are a lot of people who decry the “friend zone”, but it is based in a sound, common sense concept.  Some friendships develop into romantic relationships which are extremely healthy while others, not so much.  In same cases, there is an attraction in both sides but, for whatever reason, one of the friends is either afraid to pursue or wishes things to stay “status quo” because they are afraid to lose the friendship.  It’s time for a reality check:  a friendship with admitted romantic, unrequited feelings on one side are nearly impossible to maintain.  The emotional pain and damage caused can last for years and talking about other relationships only causes further trauma.  It is, actually, better to end the friendship than it is to keep it dragging along despite the wishes of either side.  This is the one instance where an ending of the friendship is usually in everyone’s best interest.  It’s all about growth, and one person cannot grow when they are pining for the other with no hope of anything in the future.  It is truly unfair to the one who has the feelings and if the one who doesn’t can’t see that, there’s even more profound issues which need to be addressed.

May your friendships all be rich and joyful and may you all enjoy a wonderful happy life.  Remember this one quote:  if you aren’t losing friends, you aren’t growing as a person.

A misconception about “friend-zoning,” and what can be done

I recently read a post about the dreaded “friend zone” and saw some genuinely caustic remarks from both men and women about they are tired of hearing this term.  One man said the old refrain of women are not “just machines you can put a few tokens in and hope sex comes out.”  While this is a truism, these gripes and calls to stop using this term and it’s more aggravating related “family zone” slang actually raises a counter argument few want to consider:

This isn’t about sex; it’s about a sense of frustration with people going after the “wrong” instead of the perceived “right.”

Let’s face it; we all make this mistake at some point.  There’s that man or woman who we befriend, get to know and, somehow, absolutely fall head over heels for and take a chance on pursuing it.  For whatever reason, the feeling just isn’t mutual.  Whether it is as basic as a lack of physical attraction, a deep seated fear of wrecking a good friendship, or something  much deeper which makes a relationship impossible, one thing is certain.  This situation absolutely sucks. 

It’s a perfect lesson of “life’s not fair,” but fairness is still essential in one regard, and this is a matter which many who are tired of hearing the term “friendzone” don’t want to admit.

It’s not about sex; it’s about feelings.

Let’s be real; if a so-called “friend zone” situation was just about sex, it wouldn’t hurt near as much.  It would be a mere ego bruise; yes, a deep one in some cases, but still just ego.  The reason these situations hurt is that emotions, however misguided, have been invested.  Yes, said emotions can border on obsession, and sometimes people have a right to be nervous about the person whose unreturned affections have become stronger than expected, but in most cases, the person who was “relegated” figures out a way to deal with it, even if that means being whiny about it or removing themselves from their beloved life for a while.  Pop culture can spin it all they want; a genuinely painful friend zone experience is not about sex.  Making it about sex is little more than a tacit dismissal of the validity of someone’s feelings, and often that’s a defense mechanism to assuage guilt or anger at oneself.

Sorry to say it, but we all do that.  If you need proof, just remember how badly you bad mouthed that ex from your last really bad breakup.  You likely bitched about him or her to your buddies or girlfriends.  They were the devil incarnate.  Your BFF was likely ready to throat punch them when it was all said and done but, eventually, you burned through those emotions like a fire in a paper factory.  It’s human nature and everyone who’s been hurt does it.

There is, however, a huge difference between a “friend zone” and a break up.  In a breakup, there was a relationship of some sort which had a romantic element.  In a “friend zone,” somehow a seed of expectation was planted in the mind of the heartbroken.  That expectation is never realized, and it causes an emotional reaction due to rejection.  Whether it was justified by the actions of their beloved or a delusion of sorts, the heartbreak is the direct result of this unrealized expectation.  There is one other thing we all need to face (those who have suffered the friend zone bug recently really should pay attention here):  being “friend zoned” is, at a fundamental level, rejection.  No amount of rationalization or justification can dismiss this.  Still, rather than statement of moral judgment, it is simply defining the core issue, that many friendzone heartbreaks are actually not the result of the lack of attraction, but a much deeper issue – the insecurities triggered by this feeling of rejection. 

For those of you tired of feeling “judged” for “friendzoning” someone, it’s time to face an uncomfortable truth:  there are expectations leading to the feelings of rejection which can, in fact, be created by the person doing the rejecting.  Regardless of how much one denies “leading them on,” sometimes a behavior by the rejecting person creates the expectation, however unintentional .  It could be something as simple as habitually flirtatious behavior, or something as easily misread as an invitation to dinner.  That seed of expectation, if identified early, can be corrected to preserve the friendship prevent an awkward or painful situation.  One other thing to consider; those are well aware of their behaviors, whether it is the rejected or the one rejecting,  tend to become most defensive when called out about it.  This is not to say someone should apologize, but a means to understand the “why” of the heartbroken – granted, some folks have conditioned  themselves, out of necessitiy, to be dispassionate towards those whose hearts they break, but that comes with this territory.

Let’s be clear about one thing before going any further; this is not giving those who disrespect rejection a free pass.  Being hurt is one thing; griping to friends or family is natural and a part of life, but to retaliate in any way which causes physical harm to the rejecting party, or causes them fear of such, is not acceptable.  Those who engage in this sort of behavior need to seek immediate help.  Those who are heartbroken and considering self harm as from rejection also need to seek help.

Regardless of what people may think, those who choose to cope by talking to friends and family, even if it means complaining about the situation, or the person involved, are doing something which is quite healthy.  It is a means of humanizing the person for whom an unhealthy or unrealistic expectation was centered around.  Sometimes it means distance and isolation from that friend, but one fact remains, and it’s one which people who are tired of hearing this term need to come to grips with; a real “friendzoning” is not about sex, but genuine heartbreak.  Sadly, in the extreme case, the friendship must be ended for both parties own good.

To those who have been on the “zoning” end, do you and your friend a few favors, especially if you truly respect them and your friendship.  Give yourselves both time and healthy space to heal.  Show you care, but be detached enough that you can explain things in a healthy, compassionate way which doesn’t reopen the wound.  If that person can’t get you out of their head, encourage them to seek help or, at the least, ask mutual friends to help out.  Also, be gentle, understanding and forgiving.  That friend is suffering a deep wound, and it often takes a long time to heal because their confidence has been shattered.  Above all, never talk to them about your romantic or sex life.  That’s literally akin to giving a suicidal person a loaded gun with the safety removed.  Let them heal, be supportive (even if at a distance) and please remember the prime rule of karma; what goes around does come around. You’d want that friend to be just as caring and tender with you, right?

I’m no expert.  Just speaking from experience, and I hope this helped out a few folks who are either suffering with rejection to struggling with the “why me” question about how someone can feel that way about you when you don’t feel the same way.  The heart wants what it wants but, fortunately, that feeling is often fleeting, even if that fleeting moment lasts longer than expected.  Remember, what you put out is what you get back.  If you put out respect, caring and tenderness, it ultimately gets returned.

Guess what, Aquarius?  We Virgos know the 10 ways to push your buttons

In our last episode, mighty Virgo attacked Sagittarius Nation with some accuracies that annoyed us.  Today, I take a long look in the mirror at the very things we do to annoy the living crap out of our zodiac foil, Aquarius.

Gotta love Aquarians.  They have a truly broad “come as you are” attitude but, when you get right down to it, we Virgos drive them up a wall.   So here’s some things we do to piss off the Aquarian in our lives.

  1. We are homebodies, mostly:  Virgo has very little sense of adventure except when something is to be added to our knowledge base.  Aquarius loves to travel, while Virgo prefers to stay at home and relax or do something with a goal or destination in mind.
  2. Crowds just are not our thing:  at last check, a Virgo is about a comfortable in a crowd as a cat is at a dog convention.  We just dont like em.  We are generally at least introverts, when Aquarius is usually extroverted and gregarious.  For Aquarius, getting Virgo to go out to a concert is like pulling a dog into a vets office.
  3. We can be very closed minded when we want to be:  when a Virgos mind is made up, that’s it.  Aquarians tend to be able to see all sides, even when an opinion is formed.  The classic Virgo, however, is a clinic in heel digging, head smashing, wall pounding argumentativeness when our minds are made up.  Aquarius could do well to avoid the flightiness of Sagittarius, but at least they aren’t total self centered jerks.
  4. Tunnel vision, anyone:  Virgo is a super focused sign, but that focus is a detriment at times.  Aquarius sees the big picture while Virgo is staring at the little tree in the forest.  While Rome is burning, we worry about if we have to go to work the next day.  Aquarius wants to slap us at times for that.
  5. Virgo doesn’t not play well with micro managers:  Virgo hates being told what to do, but more so how to do it.  You can blame out meticulous nature which compels us to learn all we can before we dive in wholesale.  For Aquarius, leadership comes naturally but so does managing the details to the last letter.  For Virgo, people who like to tell them how to do a job is like sandpaper underwear.  Aquarians and Virgos in business are a classic head butting pair, and a micromanaging Aquarian will soon be ready to put a boot in Virgo where the sun don’t shine.
  6. Picky picky picky:  a Virgo is a fault finder, and that rankles Aquarius to no end.  Aquarians are generally idealists, and they love to find consensus and higher ground.  The problem is their own flaws are pointed out easily by Virgo, who is them hurt when Aquarius unyielding sense of truth comes out and bites us.  Oops.
  7. We’re as cold as ice:  Virgo is known for not showing emotion.  We wrap them up in a package of logic and reason.  Aquarius wears their heart on their sleeves, as does Virgo, but Aquarius is unafraid of being given a hard time about their emotions because they either snap back or blow it off.  For Virgo, showing the softer side is painful and we drive Aquarius to the edge of departure with our aloof, stoic nature.
  8. Precision honesty:  Aquarians, like their Sagittarius cousins, are brutally honest, but Virgo’s honestly is so precise, so needling, so much like a mosquito bite in the wrong spot, it drives Aquarius insane, but that’s nowhere near as bad as….
  9. Sickening disarming charm:  believe it or not, a Virgo could charm the pants off a penguin.  Despite our introverted nature, a Virgo is an exceptional student of people and, like anything we study, we do so with the goal of perfecting our technique.  In this case, it’s person-to-person interaction.  That leads to the final button we push…
  10. A Masters Level flirtation skill:  never make the mistake of assuming that Virgo is incapable of seduction.  Of all the signs, the virgin is anything but.  In fact, most of the most skilled people on earth in the arena of flirtation and sexuality as actually Virgos.  The worst part is this:  most of the time we aren’t even trying.  Being flirtatious, charming and sweet is our nature.  We attract people naturally (despite our loner nature) and, for steadfast and loving Aquarius, this is the one thing which really honks them off.  While we are loyal companions and devoted lovers, getting us to turn off the flirtation switch is no easy feat because, frankly, half the time we don’t even know we’re doing it.

Okay Aquarians.  I’m sure you have buttons of your own to add so fire away.  This should be extremely interesting.

Oh insufferable Sagittarius, how you annoy thee Virgo, let me count 10 ways

Well I’m at it again, a little zodiac humor and honesty.  As I am a Virgo and a self appointed expert on all that’s Virgoan, I would like to offer this up for my readers in the spirit of good, clean, NON political fun.  There is one sign which pushes ALL our buttons.  Drum roll please…

Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, the list goes on and on…ironic that Christmas would be a Sagittarian birthday but history suggests Christ was, in fact, a Virgo!

Sagittarius.  

Yes, that annoying, free spirited centaur just gets under our skin like nobody else.  But there are some extremely valid reasons why Sag is a sign which makes us want to take their arrow and shove it where their lower half don’t shine.  And away we go….

  1. A condescension like no other.   My dad is a Sagittarius (your sympathies are appreciated) but I got lucky with him.  He’s merely sarcastic.  I’m referring to the Sagittarius who’s attitude is just, oh, 120 degrees off compassionate.  The one who looks at someone less fortunate just a teensy bit judgy.  That being said, the “moral” ones often have the most skeletons in their closets and are the masters of denials of said bones (a slew of lovers, an affair or two, problems at the office, a reputation for a smart mouth) – yeah, I know that’s a human thing, but Sagittarius is an artist.  Virgo is critical, occasionally hypocritical and can come off as condescending, but Sagittarius genuinely think they are superior. 
  2. Sorry, not sorry.  I have yet to meet the Sagittarius who is genuinely remorseful for hurting someone unless it’s either family or something which threatens their livelihood and even then, it’s like getting an oppositional-defiant child to admit they’re wrong.  Virgos rarely admit error because we usually are meticulous in what we do but when we screw up, we fall on our swords quickly.  We just prefer you don’t point it out.  Sagittarius rips us to shreds and later has to be proven they are wrong, and then it’s like watching a politician in action.  Oh I voted for it, but I didn’t want to do it, and don’t blame me for it.  That’s Sagittarius.
  3. Look at me!  Fellow Virgos, you know what I mean.  Sagittarius loves to talk about their lives, their achievements and….well, them.  When it isn’t about them, it’s about something they are passionate about and, when the interest is not on what makes the red light turn green, the answer is invariably silence, apathy, or a change of subject back to something which interests them.  Of course, we annoy the hell out of them when we drone on about our issues which, to them, seem like a mosquito bite but, hey, not everything is about what ol’ Sag wants to talk about.
  4. Short attention span theatre:  Despite their propensity for condtescencion, Sags are by no means snobs.  Unfortunately for hyper-focused Virgo, the garden-variety Sagittarius is flighty as shit!  ADHD was likely first diagnosed in a Sagittarius patient by a Virgo doctor.  While Virgos and Sags can be amazing friends, they often butt heads in the areas of responsibility and independence.  A Sag does work hard for everything they have and believe others should too, but what causes them to work hard can become really old, really fast.  Also, Sagittarians are excitement junkies (typical for fire signs, but especially for Sagittarians), which means when the rush is gone, it’s on to the next adventure….er….challenge. For us Virgos, who pride ourselves on job stability or, at the very least, a willingness do the dirty jobs, a Sagittarian’s career map looks something like an ink-blot test, all over the map, even if there’s cohesion in career.  Speaking of flighty…
  5. Sagittarius almost  always goes for the “trendy causes”:  Save the Whales, Green Planet, Relief Telethons, and Social Media Movements are the Sagittarian’s dream come true.  The Sag loves to be avante garde, mainly because many of them have a distinct superiority complex.  This irks Virgo to no end, as we love to dive, feet first, into a grinding, plodding, dirty work charity such as Salvation Army or Habitat for Humanity.  When Virgo and Sag get involved in a cause together, Sags are usually the “front men,” and often gallop off the second they are bored, leaving Virgo to clean up the mess.
  6. They are very much into the “Flavor of the Month.”  If you are dating a Sagittarius and you havent gotten engaged after a year, don’t count on it.  Sagittarius, especially females, are traditional singles – owing to the fact they crave independence.  Virgos, conversely, are very commitment-oriented but take their time and look for the fly in the ointment, but not because of a desire to stray.  Rather, a Virgo is always concerned about their own flaws creating an environment ripe for breakup.  Of course this makes Virgo look like we want the single life forever.  It’s not just relationships, either – Sagittarians are fashion-conscious and trend-oriented, and drive Virgos nuts by pointing how our “traditional” or “timeless”fashion sense is stale or old.  Virgo fashion sense always comes back around, and Sag is usually claiming they were ahead of the curve when the reality is, Virgo was usually there first because, honestly, we didn’t move.
  7. They are profound, irritating know it alls.  Okay, fairness time:  Virgos are also know it alls but, chances are, we actually do know.  Sagittarius is famous for winging it, the old “Fake it till you Make it” look.  A Virgo will call out a Sag for an inaccuracy, and a Sag will usually respond with either silence or a smart remark.  For Sagittarius (who absolutely hates to lose), being right is a competitive sport.  Granted, Virgo needs to get a little thicker skin, but Sagittarius is devoted to the win, often at any cost..
  8. Insensitivity with a touch of smug.  Any Virgo knows we are critical – we spot the flaw in something and point it out.  It’s not because we want to hurt someone and tear them down – we genuinely want to help and perfect.  Sagittarius, conversely, is blunt in order to be honest, but the “I don’t sugar coat” mentality is a bit much at times.  Okay, most of the time.  There comes a point where a soft touch gets the job done far more effectively than a slap in the face.  Worse still is the fact that Sag tends to be smug about that insensitivity with the “get over it” attitude and the “I’m a stronger (whatever).”  While Virgo needs have soft touch software installed; Sagittarius needs to have the smug virus removed.
  9. That aggravating, insufferable “shake it off” attitude:  Yes, Taylor Swift is a Sag, and that’s zero surprise.  I truly believe a Virgos life lesson is “shake it off,” and learning to live in the moment and just go with it.  For Sagittarius, that life lesson should be the Virgo mentality of “look before you leap.”  Whether it is love, money, career, or anything else, Sagittarians love, I mean absolutely get off, on telling Virgos to “get over yourself.”  News flash, Sag Nation:  Virgo isn’t the “get over it” folks – we are the “perfect it and do it better than you” folks.  And finally…
  10. I’m spiritual, not religious:  GAHHH!!!!  (Insert extreme profanity here!)  Many Virgos are profoundly spiritual creatures.  Our intuition is super fine tuned, and we take our spiritual side seriously.  Sagittarius is usually off-the-charts intuitive, but are so damned smug about it!  Yes, we know you can call the outcome of a ballgame, or tell when someone is bullshitting, or spot a liar a mile away.  We also know you can tell a great lover from a dud between the sheets, but hearing that “not religious” line smacks of a smugness that screams “I don’t need anyone but myself.” That’s all well and good, but if spiritual beliefs were a degree earning course, Virgos would have doctorates and Sagittarius would still be figuring out their major after 20 years. The exception is a Sagittarius who is actually religious, then their smugness is slightly less insufferable.  Smug flightiness is the most insufferable thing on earth, and Sagittarius “spirituality” is the epitome of this.

To be fair, I know many Sagittarians who are loving, fun, enjoyable, jovial people to be around and, thankfully, do not allow the “button pushing” traits to be dominant.  This is merely the shadow side which really pisses off Virgos.  That said, I fully expect my Sagittarius friends to take me to task on this one.  Be my guest.  I may indeed be wrong on an individual level but, trust me, this is mostly accurate.  If I offended you that much, could be that I actually plucked a nerve of truth? After all, aren’t Sagittarians devoted to the truth?

Don’t worry, Virgos – the one sign whose 9button we push gets their say next:  Aquarius.