Category Archives: humor

UPDATES: Walker County and great Frying Pan vs. Skillet debate

With all the insanity in America’s politics, I am pleased to report that one positive in this mess has occurred. Though old news, the new Sole Commissioner, High Commander and Eternal Leader of Walker County, Georgia is now firmly entrenched in his new position. Shannon Whitfield, who was able to easily defang and disembowel Bebe Heiskell in the 2016 election by a score of 3 trillion neurons to 2.1, is apparently managing to score points with voters on the simple fact that he keeps schedules consistent and has not traded away star players to the opposition in exchange for defensive coordinators who blow 20 point leads in the Super…oh crap, I’ve got the Atlanta Falcons on the brain. Sorry.

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Shannon Whitfield.  Wait, wasn’t this guy in a Super Bowl commercial for avocados?

Whitfield, despite his obviously improved status as Not Being Bebe Heiskell, has still rankled some voters by posting edited county commission meetings online instead of the raw feeds. Walker County gods on high, however, are apparently pleased with Whitfield’s performance, as a recent 1.8 earthquake indicates (previous earthquakes have been in the 4s, meaning Heiskell’s soul has obviously arrived at Satan’s mailbox, postage due.) Still, the City of LaFayette continues to function as always, with its fine collection of shops, gas stations, and a convenience store actually named “Yanks” (seriously.) It also continues to enjoy its status as Unofficial Job Haven for Wanted Criminals, as the county has had apparent known of a wanted criminal from Colorado working as a 911 dispatcher for the county for some time. Perhaps the Heiskell curse continues, but large predatory bird sightings are on the wane, so there has be obvious improvement – such as employees actually being able to now cash their paychecks.

No word as to whether “Thad” was available for comment. (rim shot)

This, however, pales in comparison to a far more serious matter facing our nation today from a political standpoint. Today, this writer took the liberty of challenging the political status quo and asking an ultra-controversial question: what the hell is the difference between a skillet and a frying pan?

A query which has dogged cooks for eons, the notion of a frying pan and skillet being different things has been a perplexing issue. Gigantic studies using massive federal block grants issued via presidential tweets have been suggested, especially since the skillet lobby has stated an unofficial goal of “Making Cooking with Skillets Great Again.” Of course, I chose to use the definitive source of wisdom and knowledge to answer this question once and for all…

My Facebook Feed.

My friends/readers/followers/associates of ill refute/various shape-shifting entities from the Gamma Quadrant all weighed in, and the results were very clear: no really knows for sure, and everyone wonders why the hell I was even asking that question. Of course, that would stop me from sharing some of the answers with you, my loyal and delusional reading audience, some of whom are obviously not aware of the need to stay off the road after heavy medicinal or recreational relaxant use.  We know that won’t happen, so here we go – actual answers from actual readers of my feed:

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Until the horse WHACKS you with it. And then you STILL won’t know what to call it!

“A skillet has straight high sides. Same flat wide bottom so u can fry or search, but the the high straight sides like a pot allow us to add more stuff, especially liquids and put on a lid.”

“Geography.”

“Weight. A skillet also says, ‘What’s this non-stick crap???'”

“One of those questions that just simmers…” (Honorable Mention for Best Answer)

“One you fry in, one’s a band.”

“They both cook eggs. So, none.”

and the Best Answer of All, which actually led to me spraying coffee on my monitor in such a fashion several wet wipes were needed…

“The difference between a frying pan and a skillet? The size of the knot on your head if you upset the cook.”

Bear in mind, all these answers are moot when one considers the fact that, when used properly, both pans and skillets make excellent counterweights for mousetraps created by grey and white cartoon cats. Still, we must never forget the most important part of this research, that terminology can vary widely from region to region in our nation, and that such things as “homophones” will always be targeted for persecution by moralist elements who obviously didn’t pay attention in English class.

If you are still unsure about how to approach this debate or how to understand the jokes in this post, feel free to contact Sole Commissioner Shannon Whitfield’s office. Operators are standing by to hire you now, provided you’ve been arrested in at least one jurisdiction.  I’m putting my application in tomorrow.

Winter Storm Helena: Semi-Serious, Hour-by-Hour sarcasm

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Shown:  Downtown Birmingham after Winter Storm Helena hits it.  Now Shown:  Alabama fans doing donuts in the snow.

Winter Storm and Warrior Princess Helena is nearing the end of her life, and has taken many a casualty.  According to the National Weather Service and Liberal Extremist Propaganda Arm (now under New Management of Trump Political Enterprises), this particular weather system wreaked havoc on several states as well as the Federated Football Republic of Alabama.  Of course, America’s southeastern news outlets kicked into hyperdrive and began their usual “Breaking News Round the Clock First Coverage You Can Count On” routine.

FRIDAY

8:35 AM:  National Weather Service officials, in conjunction with the Russian News Agency TASS, begins issuing “facty” weather alerts about reports of blizzards hitting areas of Mexico, Idaho and the Andromeda Galaxy.

9:45 AM:  Alabama Governor Bob “Northwood” Bentley, in a move of complete foresight and genuine political vision, opts to receive instead of kickoff the storm.

10:22 AM:  Georgia Governor Nathan Deal, upon hearing the choice of his Alabama counterpart, immediately sends Winter Storm Helena to the National Weather Service for booth review, and also alerts the NCAA for possible recruiting violations.

11:11 AM:  Outgoing Alabama offensive coordinator and soon-to-be Florida Atlanta coaching guru extraordinaire Lane Kiffin announces that Winter Storm Helena has delayed his time table for learning organization by “several years.”

11:49 AM:  Georgia DOT officials immediately begin brining all roads and bridges in the Atlanta area.  Alabama DOT officials also begin brining their highways until it’s pointed that pickle juice doesn’t work.

12:45 PM:   Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed, exercising extreme intelligence, announces that he will, in fact, be driven home by police escort in his black SUV with blue lights going.  When asked why this was necessary, he refuses comment, but his staff issues a 1,000 word press release about the merits of the Atlanta streetcar’s ice-resistant wheels.

1:18 PM:  Walker County, Georgia officials issue a statement describing the situation in Lafayette as “dire” and “untenable,” until it’s revealed that Bebe Heiskell didn’t actually issue the release, so it’s taken seriously for once.

2:45 PM:  Macon-Bibb County officials, in preparation for the oncoming storm, suddenly remember that I-475 actually runs through their county and maybe, just maybe, it would be a good idea to treat the road.

3:18 PM:  Cobb County DOT deploys thousands of gallons of brine solution onto local roads and interstates, but the plan is thrown into disarray when the County Commission is sued for a lack of public hearing in the decision.

4:22 PM:  To the south, in Florida, 19 million residents laugh derisively at the rest of the southeast, then light their grills start the ritual winter cookout season.

5:30 PM:  Birmingham is paralyzed when the Heat Miser vanishes and Jack Frost is found in a drunken state on the campus of the University of Alabama.  Lane Kiffin is blamed for the incident.

6:19 PM:  Every single news outlet east of Tupelo, Mississippi goes into all-out DEFCON 1 alert status.  In Atlanta, five stations interrupt popular programming to issue extremely scary, confusing and “facty” weather bulletins.

7:29 PM:  Fearing a shortage of French Toast as a result of the oncoming storm, Atlanta residents buy up almost 9000% percent of all available bread and eggs.  IHOP futures spike in after-hours syrup pouring.

9:45 PM:  An entire hour of news coverage is lost when Winter Storm Helena stops for a moment, looks at Atlanta, scratches head and asks “which way do I really wanna fuck this city up?”

10:18 PM:  News outlets across Atlanta declare an state of intergalactic emergency and call on the United Federation of Planets to fire photon torpedoes at the to intensify it.

12:00 AM til…

SATURDAY

6 AM:  Something happened overnight resulting in a lot of snow and ice in some areas, and nothing but slush in others.  The Russians are believed to have been behind it all.

8:10 AM:  Donald Trump issues a statement saying that Winter Storm Helena did not actually affect Atlanta and promised to “Make I-285 Great Again.”

9:30 AM:  The Atlanta Falcons announce they are going to actually win their playoff game next week in a news release written by former Men’s Wearhouse CEO George Zimmer saying “you’re gonna like the way we play…we guarantee it!”

10:34 AM:  Everyone goes back to sleep

12:19 PM:  Birmingham officials announce they are shutting down the city and that people need to stay off the roadways – Atlanta drivers immediately flood to the city and jam up interstate highways.

3:02 PM:  Winter Storm Helena sends a text message politicians across the southeast which translated roughly into “you my bitches!”

4:19 PM:  We decide it’s too damned cold out, and we’re fresh outta beer!

5:01 PM:  Levi’s takes over the show.

6:11 PM:  Everyone dials directory assistance asking for the number to their governors to complain.

9:00 PM:  NOBODY knows where their Winter Storm is.

10:52 PM:  Time for a nap and just walked outside and shouted at Mother Nature to take her freaking Xanax!

Of Thanksgiving, Death Stars and other Planet Killers

As we celebrate the day Americans everywhere feast to their hearts content (my auto-correct somehow managed to insert the word “ringworm” into this post before I removed it razor sharp carving tools), we are reminded that we are just weeks away from the most amazing moment of the year, full of lights, festivities and magical times.

Yes, folks, Star Wars time is upon us.

In my household, there is an epic battle between nonbelievers and myself.  I am doing my best find a way to see the movie but, unfortunately, Darth Spousius is using the ways of the Sith to prevent this.  My force attacks are just not strong enough.  So, I shall do what the fabled Grey Jedi does…laugh my ass off by poking fun at science fiction planet killers.

The planet killer is just what the name implies; a device which inhales gobs of campaign money and uses Supreme Court precedent to bypass all rules, or is that the Koch Brothers?   Either way, there are several well known planet killers, and now I shall take a semi serious look at them all.

Ah shit! Now you did it! You went and made it mad!

Starkiller Base:  You gotta hand it to the First Order – they succeeded when The Galactic Empire failed.  This wasn’t just a laser, it was a solar energy powered hyper lights—-ah Screw it!!  It’s a BFG (Doom fans will get that acronym) that blew up a bunch of planets at once.  As usual it has an Achilles heel which spelled its doom but it did do a HELL of a lot more damage than the Death Star.

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Is it “Log” or the “Space Doobie?”
The Doomsday Machine:  this killer debuted in Star Trek: TOS (Kirk overacting moments per episode:  35.6). It basically looked like a hunk of space wood (“and I see your Schwarz is as big as mine.”) with a really bad case of acid reflux.  Of course, this thing could only be killed by sending a (surprise!) starship in with a warp core set on overload.  Actually, it’s rather reminiscent of how my bowels process a seven layer burrito, but that’s besides the point.

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I KNOW you didn’t just shoot that green shit at..AIIEEE!!!!!
The Death Star: this classic killer, the Death Star, affectionately glossed as “Vader’s Crib,” is essentially a space station with one really badass laser.  It doesn’t matter how it was built, who built it, or the myriad plot holes pointed out by the Family Guy parodies, the fact remains the Death Star is the quintessential planet killer, even though it actually only successfully killed one planet.

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Dude…SNACKS!!!!
Unicron: check it out!  The 1986 Transformers classic featured a robot which ate planets, moons, asteroids for snacks.  In a memorable moment, Unicron, in robot form, even ripped into Cybertron the way a ravenous horde of teenagers tear into a bowl of Chex party mix.  But don’t let his party animal demeanor fool you.  This dude had some serious planet killing ability, devouring scores of spheres before finally being done in by what later became a fancy Christmas ornament (seriously).

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The Force is STRONG in this one…too strong, really!
Vorlon Planetkiller:  When is the Death Star no longer totally badass?  When it takes the combined firepower of 30 super-powered starships to blow up another planet killer, rather than having designed a station with a fatal flaw not once, but twice.  Credit Babylon 5 with one thing…it consistently made big booms, and the explosion of the Vorlon planet killer in “Into the fire” was a seriously big ass boom.  Oh, and it succeeded in blowing up several planets, and looks like a cross between a squid and a clam.  Sushi. anyone?

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Ripping reality a new space-hole!
Narada, the Romulan mining ship:  okay, not really a planet killer, but when you can use the space equivalent of an oil drill to create a black hole inside a planet, that’s serious sci-fi street cred!

And finally.

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Y’all know how you like to tap that space beehive with that stick?  Ya, this is happens!  Y’all get the Earth blown up!!!
Drej mothership from Titan AEThis sucker was badass because it actually blew up Earth!!!!  Forget the rest…when you blow up our own home planet, your sci-fi Kung Fu is awesome.  Don Bluth wins the badass crown once again.

Okay folks, return to your scheduled tryptofan induced coma.  This week, a slightly silly review of Georgia college football seasons, and the necessary Tums packets.