Category Archives: debates

A word about why American politics are so f—-d up.

Warning: this post may be offensive to everyone on earth. Better to close it now and get it over with.
Since the inauguration of Donald Trump as President, protests and riots have swept across the nation.  The new President has signed executive order after executive order, and the country is more polarized than ever.  The more I look at things, the more I can see the origins of a lot of these issues and it comes down to a saying by the late pro football coach Vince Lombardi:

“Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.”

Somewhere along the way, both the left and the right decided that their way was the not only the right way, but the only way to run things.  Instead of being open to new ideas and practicing moderation, extremism took root, aided by the absolutism made fertile by talk radio hosts, many of whom have turned out to be, themselves, outright hypocrites.  Both left and right pointed the finger at each other, decrying the other’s way as “evil” and “corrupt,” tossing about buzzwords like “income redistribution,” “globalism,” “market freedom” and “indoctrination.”

In the end, both sides are guilty of fomenting national discord for the sake of their own ambitions and avarice.  Both extremes are akin to fans of opposing teams in the Super Bowl who use the exact same offensive and defensive strategies.  The only differences are the cities represented, team colors and the one massive variable:  personalities.

This year’s Super Bowl is a great example. New England’s Tom Brady is a person who draws absolute reactions.  You either love him or you hate him.  You either admire his guile for exploiting lax rules enforcement with “deflategate,” or he is a cheater.  For Atlanta, you either love Matt Ryan for his stoicness in games and his ability to heave the ball downfield with stunning accuracy, or you hate him for his occasional post game showboating and arrogance or the demands of owner Arthur Blank.  Long story short, team affiliation and cults of personalities determine the fan base.

America’s political landscape is much the same way anymore.  It’s no longer about “what’s right for America.”  Rather, many citizens have become so fed up with the demands of either side, their rhetoric, and the approach to life their supporters take, the “win at all costs” attitude has permeated American politics.  You either love Donald Trump and what he espouses, or you loved Hillary Clinton.  Anyone who isn’t on the side of an extreme allegiance is a gutless moderate, or an independent who is immediately picked apart for which side of the ideological aisle they most identify with, regardless of if their heart is good.

We are no longer a nation which compromises for the good of all; we are a country obsessed with winning and being “right,” even if being right means may the good of the nation be damned, so long as our side prevails.  We no longer see shades of gray, or the empty spaces in between the argument where facts get lost in the name of victory.  It is now black and white terms:  good and evil, order and chaos, life and death, left and right….and zero in between allowed.

Both sides are guilty on this one.  The far right has pushed gun rights, the far left gun restriction.  The far right pushes free market and free will as the answer to everything, while the far left pushes government as the solution.  Both sides point the finger at each other when something goes wrong.  A great idea is only a great idea of our side came up with it.  If one side comes up with a truly great idea, the other side will do everything they can to stop it, and vice versa.  Why?  Because it wasn’t their idea. They can’t take credit, so they want no part of it.

This is where our nation has been taken. Compromise is death.  Bipartisanship is evil.  The left will destroy the rights of all.  The right will destroy the rights of all.  They are both the same, but they are different.  The left wants people to be lifted up, but so does the right.  The only difference is the means it happens and who at the very top benefits.  It’s old money family rivalries on a global scale.  The same monster with two heads and the same master manipulating both heads, in this case the people are the brains inside the heads, to fight each other.

But why?

Did it not occur to anyone here that if a world leader with access to nuclear weapons gets into a pissing match with another world leader with nuclear weapons in this age of “pride before prudence,” things could end VERY VERY BADLY? This is not the old Cold War era where world leaders understood the concept of mutual assured destruction. In this era where all that matters is winning, regardless of the cost, MAD isn’t really so crazy anymore.  It’s considered “acceptable risk.”

That said, here’s something think about:  all the protests and guns on earth won’t mean shit if there’s nothing left to protest or no one to kill. Yes, people are angry at each other and there are powerful people making a ton of money off pitting us against each other, but do you really think any of them give a damn about YOU when the mushroom clouds start rising? They already planned for this years ago.  At the risk of sounding like a conspiracy theorist, anyone who thinks those in position of true power haven’t found some way to gain from a world atomic holocaust are sadly mistaken.  They get to rebuild the world, only the way they see fit.

We can stop all this madness, but we need to focus on what we see happening, not the rhetoric being said or the memes being posted. Focus on what’s real instead of what is imagined. We still have a judicial system and civilian control of our military. I know people are saying we need to strike “just in case.” What is that going to accomplish? To all of you wanting a civil war to settle it all, do you really think that dying for SOMEONE ELSE’S CHECKBOOK is more important than the ideals espoused in our Constitution and Declaration of Independence, because I guarantee you that most of your radio and television pundits and commentators, liberal or conservative, couldn’t remember the Bill of Rights, much less which state first ratified the constitution.  They CAN, however, remember their bank account number and safe combination, easily.

Those want to die, or are okay with friends and loved ones dying, to impose their worldview of America on everyone else, are EXACTLY the sort of danger George Washington spoke of in his farewell address. We need to take a long hard look in the mirror as a nation, stop worrying about who is offended by who said what and what injustice was committed by people long dead, and instead focus on the injustices being committed right now, against us by each other. We need to look at our current immigrants who may not have gotten here legally, but are law abiding otherwise and a great source of tax revenue.  We need to look at our homeless and see how much of it is true laziness and how much of it is actually mental illness which, once treated effectively, can unlock the minds of potential geniuses.  We need to feed our hungry children so they can feel compassion and grow into compassionate adult instead of bitter children in adult bodies vying for the power they never knew in youth.  We need to help our veterans who our leaders have come to view as similar to sanitary napkins; something to absorb political blood in photo ops and rituals, but disposed of once they’ve outlived their usefulness.  We need to address the reality that racial tensions exist not so much as the result of what happened over a century ago, but the mistrust formed between races because of old fears turned into old wives tales, which have in turn become cultural norms.
Finally we need to remember and accept that assimilation does not mean elimination.  A people can become law abiding productive citizens without being forced to abandon their cultures and customs.  Immigrants should have to learn our language, history and abide by our laws but should not be required to abandon their heritage and culture in their own homes.  

Yes, there will always be those who wish to harm us, but we should never do the work for them, and our current political climate is doing just that.  We are truly doing our enemies’ dirty work.  We can, we must, learn to listen to the better angels of our nature.  That is what a “more perfect union” is about, after all.

My greatest fears for America realized, my greatest hope still possible

This is what I’ve feared ever since I left college in 1997.

We’ve reached a crescendo of anger and partisanship in our nation.  Those who we once believed were our best and brightest, offices which we once looked to for inspiration and hope, are now becoming synonymous with scandal and mistrust.  We have a media which is so steeped in ideology on both sides, common sense has vanished.  The notion of an America where anyone can become a success with hard work, a little luck, and some smarts is beyond endangered.  It’s been eviscerated.

Everyone is angry at everyone.  Family and friends are no longer speaking to each other, separated by ideology, preconceived notions, income disparity and occupation.  Ours was a nation once admired for its ability to take the best features of any culture, any religion, and race, and make it our own.  The ability to merge, to meld it all together into one made us the envy of the world.  Today, we have allowed those who wish to do us harm to claim the ultimate victory.  We’ve allowed them to drive us apart.

Worse still, we have allowed others to profit from our divisions.  We have embraced them and entrepreneurs and innovators instead of what they really are:  unpatriotic predators.

We are better than this.  We don’t need tolerance or safe zones now.  We don’t need gun control or fear mongering or opportunistic politicians.  We don’t need platitudes, slogans, investigations, accusations or organizations.  We don’t need moguls taking advantage of situations to enrich themselves.  What is needed is what we fear the most, the hardest possible thing we could ever do as a people.

We need to wake up and accept that fact we cannot live In the past anymore.

Progress happens.  Forward movement is part of life.  Change is reality.  Regression is what backwards societies such as North Korea and Iran have done.  It’s what ISIS wants. Regression, for a nation such as ours, is death.  The question for us is why we resist change so fervently.  Why are some changes so embraced, while some are so repellent, and the only thing I could think of was an analogy I once offered a longtime friend.  This man, who is an avid tea connoisseur, was asked a practical question; if your doctor told you that tea is lethal for you and that you must stop drinking it now and never touch it again, could you handle it?  He admitted it was a very disturbing idea. 

This is where we are now.  We are a people facing tough choices we don’t want to make because it upsets our lifestyles, our narratives, or our worldview.

We’ve gone from a society of reasonable people to a society of folks who have been told what they must do or can’t do.  We have a President who once told Americans we had to “eat our peas,” like a grouchy father scolding oppositional children.  We have a slew of pundits on talk radio accusing the party in power of everything short of killing puppies.  Whether it is true or not is irrelevant – the idea of “innocent until proven guilty” is gone.  We have become a society governed by our passions, those passions fomented by those co-opting the message of well-meaning, passionate citizens, and twisting them to fit a very profitable narrative.  Rather than listen to the better angels of our nature, we are now embracing our greatest demons, both past and present.

Our Founders were skeptical of the People governing directly, and I can see why.  We are no longer a nation of individuals who have the greater good at heart.  Ours is no longer a nation which asks what we can do for our country, as President Kennedy once called upon every American to do.  Nor is it the nation which once saw morning dawning again, and President Reagan once declared.  We aren’t even a nation which only has to fear fear itself as FDR once declared our only enemy to be.  We are beyond a nation by the people, for the people, and we have allowed ourselves to become too involved in foreign entanglements.  We are no longer a nation of laws, but of men and women.  Ours is a people captivated by cults of personality, enthralled by fantasy, obsessed with scandal, and unable to move forward out of a desire for vengeance and bloodlust.  We no longer forgive; we retaliate. We are near nihilists, but accept everything told by so-called “leaders” as gospel.

We can come back, if we want.  We can focus on the good in our nation, if we would stop looking at each other with suspicion.  We can end the hatred if we stop wondering how we can “get over” on each other.  We can rebuild if we start focusing on rolling up our sleeves and working on repairs.  We can stop the insanity if we realize that our greatest strength is the very thing which many regard as our greatest weakness – our differences, our seeming inability to agree.  If our nation was to collectively awaken from its slumber and see just how badly we are being played for fools by both sides of the political aisle, the consequences would be as an earthquake destroying a major city.  Anyone who wonders the veracity of this assessment need simply read this quote…

“A military man can scarcely pride himself on having ‘smitten a sleeping enemy’; it is more a matter of shame, simply, for the one smitten. I would rather you made your appraisal after seeing what the enemy does, since it is certain that, angered and outraged, he will soon launch a determined counterattack.”

That quote was not by any American, but by Admiral Yamamoto of Japan in 1942 as the war in the Pacific intensified.  Three years later, Japan would lay in ruins, and America would have displayed what the collective will of a truly free people, properly directed, can do.

My hope is that my fear is only short-lived.

Trump vs. Clinton: The Ultimate Monday Night Super Something-or-other

HEMPSTEAD, NY – Hofstra’s football season in Division I Football Championship Subdivision (read:  REAL playoff, not this TV crap!), kicked into high gear tonight when, in a momentous showdown, Republican billionaire tycoon and Make-America-Great Booster Donald “The Hair” Trump faced off against his Democratic opponent, closest commie-elitist and reputed illegitimate twin sister of Dr. Evil Hillary Rodham Kennedy Onassis Pelosi Chelsea Hiddleston Swift Clinton.

160224091741-clinton-sanders-trump-exlarge-169
L-R:  Clinton, Trump, and some guy who sold out.

PREGAME:  It took near fifteen minutes for moderator Lester “I am objective, dammit!” Holt to introduce the players, actually establish ground rules, flip the coin, comb Trump’s hair, prop Clinton up against her post, and then get comfortable in his Chair of Perpetual Squirming.  No swords were reported used in the construction of said chair.

FIRST QUARTER:  Trump opted to receive, but fumbled on kickoff when Clinton, in a stunning move reminiscent of the New England Patriots, attempted to deflate the GOP nominee’s ego.  Despite managing to recover the ball, Clinton was unable to make much headway at first, settling for small gains, such as calling her opponent “Donald” as opposed to “Mr. Trump.”  During her initial scoring drive, Clinton was twice called for delay of game, but Holt reversed the decision after realizing that NBC was not, in fact, producing the debate.  Once he managed to get the ball back, Trump began to hammer away the Clinton defense, using relentless attacks against her economic policies and tax rates, with his patented quick-out play calls of “great” and “extraordinary” used repeatedly to advance the ball.  Quarter ends with Trump scoring three times, twice on the debate floor and once with Marla Maples during a water break, but the latter was reversed when Holt flagged Trump for Illegal Procedure:  Time Travel to the late 1980s.  Clinton kicked a field goal, with former President Bill Clinton’s head being used to hold the ball in place – yes, his head was also kicked.  Fortunately, nobody in the crowd was injured when the errant kick careened off the podium, with Bill’s head striking a female camera grip in the groin.  At the end of the first quarter:  Trump 32, Clinton -3

SECOND QUARTER:  Trump continued to hammer away at Clinton’s economic policies, using an aggressive pass attack to shred the Democrat’s defense, before having to settle for a field goal after Clinton opened up an IRS blitz package on him.  Trump attempted to use play “33,000” to confuse his opponent, but the naked bootleg made so many in the audience vomit simultaneously, Trump was quickly hit by Holt with a penalty for Unsportmanslike Conduct, moving him away from a sure 1st and Goal situation.  The GOP nominee eventually had to settle for another field goal.  Clinton struck back quickly, with lightning speed, using her recently perfected offensive package “DaddysSmallBusiness” as fast-attack offense with repeated up-the-gut blows from her solid counter-strike offensive play of “TrumpStiffs” and “Loan 600 mil” to keep Trump off guard.  Both plays led to fast scores, with Clinton ultimately closing the gap, but not until Holt called her for illegal procedure when she, in a moment of astonishing foolishness, admitted she screwed up as a politician when she previously denied screwing up.  At the end of the half:  Trump 35, Clinton 23.9

wp-1456254480000.jpg
Talked a LOT about her dad’s small business.  Closet one-percenter.

HALFTIME:  Half the known universe when on social media to Facebook, Tweet, Instalock, and Pin The Tail on the Interest (we think), while the rest was getting hammered on cheap beer, and watching Monday Night Football.

THIRD QUARTER:   Clinton blew out of the gate, returning the second half kickoff for a quick score with her calls for better opportunities for minorities. Upon getting the ball back, Trump began to chew clock with his reliable “LawOrder” offense, pounding away at the Clinton defense with a strong ground game.  Clinton attempted to force turnovers with regards to Trump’s record on race relations, but those attempts were to no avail as his offensive game was well in control when he had the ball.  Unfortunately, Trump’s drive stalled when he got to the red zone, and Clinton’s defense stiffened when questions about New York’s “Stop and Frisk” law arose.  Trump lost the ball on attempts, then challenged the ruling on the field, but Holt ruled there was irrefutable evidence that Trump and Clinton were both hogging the limelight, so the play stood as called.  Clinton got the ball back, but her drive stalled when she tried to laugh and nearly broke her kickstand.  At the end of the Third Quarter:  Trump 41, Clinton 50

Republican presidential candidate Trump gestures and declares "You're fired!" at a rally in Manchester
This was just him yelling “hike!”  Seriously.

FOURTH QUARTER:  The final stanza of this showdown was a see-saw battle of wills, with Trump scoring twice in rapid succession finding political holes in the Clinton defense.  Clinton then put Trump on his heels with repeated accusations about his take on nuclear weapons, NATO, pet spiders, large fluffy rabbits and rumors he favored Detroit Pizza over New York.  Trump fired back that Clinton’s team allowed Iran to become more powerful, Cleveland to win a world championship in basketball, cats to become more popular than dogs, and Florida State University to lose to Louisville.  The two continued to trade pot shots, with Lester Holt looking visibly sleepy and even tossing the occasional errant penalty flag at the crowd for unnecessary boredom, but the final minute displayed Clinton and Trump each getting hit with offsetting penalties for obnoxiousness and going off-script.  At the end of the debate, two knights came in, shook hands, said “alright, we’ll call it a draw,” then Sean Bean was paraded in and beheaded.

Final Score:  Trump *@#!  Clinton *@#!

inside-out-image-anger
This is your brain on debates and Lester Holt.  Any questions?

STATISTICS

Attendance:  325 (300 drunk by the end of the debate)

Debate Time:  Entirely too long.

STAT                      TRUMP                 CLINTON

Attacks                 13                           12

Yawns                   0                              4

Cheap Shots       9                              2

Talking Points    4                              32

IRS Mentions     3                              2339002

Sane Moments 2                              5

Snide Remarks  5                              5

Penalties             13                           13

Officials:  Lester Hold (NBC)

NOTES:  Screw it, let’s go get a beer and watch “WestWorld” when it comes on.

A brief over/underview of the leading President candidates

As we are entering the trailing end of the presidential primaries, appears time to take a critical look at the major candidates platforms,  including all supposed rumors, speculation  and insider cigar insertion knowledge.   Enjoy!

 

wp-1456254480000.jpg
You can’t say that a woman who managed to piss off Russia, leave soldiers stranded to die in a firefight then cover it up by alleging no knowledge and somehow misplacing the emails, doesn’t have skills.  Wait, she doesn’t?  Never mind.

Hillary Rodham Katniss Everdeen Clinton, daughter of Joffrey Rodham, first of his name, protector of the realm:  Mrs. Clinton, styling herself as the first President able to have a “First Man,” stands for what all red blooded American women stand for.  Namely, the ability to wear brightly colored pantsuits which look like something off a futuristic totalitarian runway, but maybe that’s just me.  Clinton, the Democratic Party’s heir apparent to President Barack Obama, was dominating the party agenda until Debbie Wasserman Charles Schulz forgot the party’s name was Democratic, which led to Clinton’s time tested strategy of no discernible platform biting her when, from the primordial ooze of the Green Mountain State, the Wonder Twin powers activated and begot that which is…

 

Bernie Sanders.  Sanders, an independent commie pinko tree hugging Socialist from Vermont (French for “Cherry Garcia”), is campaigning on the populist platform of Free Ben & Jerry’s pints for all.  His other platform planks include a new car, free health care for raccoons, giving everyone a shot at winning American Idol, and the promise of using green energy to destroy our enemies by inflicting bouts of terminal laughter.  His campaign slogan, “Feel the Bern,” would be even catchier with the trendy hashtag, because then it doesn’t sound so absolutely creepy.  Naturally, this leads up to that All-American candidate who is as American as baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and xenophobic bigotry….

donaldtrumpego
This picture will be used until such time as it’s no longer funny.  Which means it’ll be used FOREVER!

Donald Trump.  I have devoted copious (Latin for “Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough”) amounts of space on this blog to the veneration of Dear Leader Eternal Light Force and Ultimate Master of Coin.  The New York (state motto “Lemme tell ya sumthin, pal!”) candidate, in his immense glory and dedication to the great cause has been an inspiration to…oh, that lawsuit was NOT aimed at me?  Okay then, read carefully:  Donald Trump is a dangerous, megalomaniacal egotist with hair appearing to be the byproduct of crossbreeding a Lhasa Apse with a deranged, rabid ferret.  Any lawyers skulking around?  No, then let us digress to the Lone Star State and its Exhaulted Immigrated Chumminess….

Ted Cruz.  His Canadianess and Texas Pride, Senator Cruz is in favor of everything Trump is against,  unless the Democrats are for it, in which case he is against it.  Also, he looks like a young version of Grandpa Munster, which means he needs to, should he win the nomination, offer the Veep card to Paul Ryan, so we can have the 50s throwback horror comedy ticket, the Munster Party.  Oh, and he wants to kill the terrorists and believes in God, which are critical qualifications for anyone who wants to be elected Mayor in Hazleton, Pennsylvania.   Alas, this is the election for President of the United States, and since Florida is, technically, still part of America (Pasco County still waiting to receive word on probationary readmission) and, sadly, planet Earth, we much recognize that who needs recognition on the basis that he is not well recognized outside of Miami-Dade County and Fox News….

Marco Rubio.  Where the Dems have “Feel the Bern,” the GOP has “Marco the Island.”  No, that is not a play on words reference to the uber-rich section of southwest Florida, but instead noting the fact that Marco Rubio is, indeed, a man alone on an island.  He’s having the worst turnout and poll results at this moment of any Florida candidate this side of Jeb Bush, and Bush at least at the decency to recognize his own delusion and drop out.  Rubio, however, is committed to a party ideology which includes flip-flopping on immigration reform, taxes, and the ability to build high-dollar stadiums for lousy baseball teams and flip the check to the taxpayers.  Rubio, however, is proving that he indeed is the eternal optimist, hanging in there despite the fact that, if he went up against a trained seal from Tallahassee who promised to end all entitlements and boot the poor to an island and nuke it, the seal would win.

1355718775-0
Even HE’S a better candidate!

We can only hope that America chooses a reliable, dependable, and empathetic candidate for the Oval Office.  Unfortunately, this crop makes me want to vote for any corrupt politician from any small town along the eastern seaboard instead of the current nominees because, come on, if you can’t trust a sleazy weasel from a small town to be a sleazy weasel with billions of dollars in federal largess at their disposal, who can you trust?

Some reasons why Hillary Clinton is one woman many Americans cannot stomach

The latest media polls show Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders in a dead heat in the Democratic primary race.  With a huge win in Nevada, Clinton has been given a second wind in her campaign against Sanders.  Still, many Americans can’t even stomach the thought of her becoming the first female president.  Here’s a look at some reasons that may be the case.

Trust factor.  Clinton is ranked as one of the least trustworthy politicians of the last 25 years.  Her body of political work speaks volumes, but it also is a huge bone of contention based on her being embroiled in scandal after scandal.  Her team is fiercely loyal, almost delusional to some, in how they defend her.  When she sticks her foot in her mouth or baldfaced lies, the spin team is a pack of ruthless pit bulls, even when it is clear she is wrong.

Intimidation moves.  Hillary is infamous for how she intimidates opponents, and pigeonholes any who get in her way.  Her White House time as First Lady was once described as a culture of paranoia and fear. 

Bad temper.  While hubby and former President Bill was described as laid back and affable, Hillary is known worldwide for her explosive temper.  Bill is, according to some insiders, the only person who can calm her down, and thats saying something.

Machiavelli could take notes.  Hillary is the example for “ends justifying the means.”  Her attitude, her tactics, her demeanor scream “antidemocratic control freak.”  thats just as First Lady.

Closet one percenter.  The Rodham family is about as connected financially and politically as any in the nation.  While she claims to stump for the “little man,” Hillary is well-connected, well-heeled (despite her temper) and has been on the Boards of many companies, including…wait for it…Walmart.

Finally, Hillary has this knack for pissing people off.  Forget the whole “strong woman” persona.  At some point, diplomacy and the ability to actually relate to world leaders and different cultures doesn’t mean crap if you can’t get your own citizenry behind you. This is not good for any potential President.

Politics and laundry: wash, rinse, spin, repeat, spin, repeat

I settled in Wednesday for an evening of doing laundry.  The clothes are in the machine, the coffee is brewed, and the television is turned on to some quality programming.  And so it begins.

FIRST WASH:

All hail the Great Dear Super Leader!

As the debate began on MSNBC, it was easy to see who would win off the bat:  Bernie Sanders.  His style, wit and candor, combined with his campaign platform, were a populist’s dream come true.  Crazy enough, he wasn’t even there, as it was the Republican debate!

CBS fared much better in the ratings for this period, buoyed by the new hit series, Criminal Minds Antarctica, featuring savvy FBI experts wearing parkas, looking for a renegade band of penguins killing other penguins because they were trotting instead of marching.

The new Trump! Network debuted, showing images of the Amazing Dear Leader Potentate of Glory walking down the stairwell to the debate floor, pitching a fit over the questions about his hair, then threatening to storm out.  The journalist pigs of the evil MSNBC network will suffer the wrath of our great people and our revolution.

FIRST RINSE:

Russian President Vladimir Putin, during a press conference televised live on CNN, announced that Russian jets would begin more aggressive patrols over regions once considered be exclusively American territory.  In an act of good faith, the Obama Administration immediately cedes most of Pasco County, Florida to Russia in exchange for some really crappy vodka.  Putin declares this an act of war.

Back on MSNBC, the Republican Presidential Debate kicks into high gear when former Florida Governor Jeb Bush and Senator Marco Rubio, during a highly contentious moment, agreed that Senator Ted Cruz’s tirade was both “epic,” “awesome” and “excellent.”  They then called each other “bogus.”

TLC debuts its newest feature, Blame it on Facebook, where users get to vent their frustration with the running updates to the social media giant’s interface.  The debut episode was built around various user rants about the latest change to the messaging system, in which missives sent to other users include a link to a website threatening to report every single porn and erotica site ever visited to the North Koreans.

SOFT WASH (adding fabric softener)…

HLN televised a speech by Democratic Candidate Bernie “Show Me the Socialism” Sanders, in which he attacks Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner for his decision to end nude photographs of female celebrities, declaring “both men and women have the constitutional right to look at really hot chicks, and this smacks of sexism.  Seriously, they aren’t doing that with Playgirl, right?”

Trump reportedly considered suing this storm for copyright infringement because it resembled his hair too close.

Switching to The Weather Channel, forecasters begin to plot the possibility that the remnants of Super Mega Ultra Master God Hurricane Patricia would somehow reform and go toe-to-toe with Godzilla.  They later admitted that conditions are favorable for reconstitution into, at the very best, John Boehner’s political career.

FINAL RINSE

Changing the channel over to CBS and clips of the next episode of the hit series Supergirl, a thought occurs to me, partly inspired by Supergirl’s really snazzy suit – it’s interesting how gender changes perception. Example…it is proven, proven, that women almost exclusively read erotica written by other women, and tend to eschew stuff written by men mostly because of the way women approach sex. Now, those of you men who think “eschew” is a sex move, congratulations! You just proved my damned point!

A quick turn back to MSNBC shows Donald Trump and Ben Carson locked in a purple-nurple battle, Ted Cruz screaming at them both “I don’t care who started it, I’m finishing it!”

Back to CNN, where Anderson Cooper reported that Russian aircraft are intensifying bombing of ISIS training camps.  When asked what the Obama Administration’s plan to become involved in the crisis, a spokesman referred all questions to Commissioner Bebe Heiskell’s Office at the Walker County Government Center in LaFayette, Georgia.

SPIN CYCLE

On Fox News, experts are arguing over the definition of “birth certificate,” “Trump,” and “President.”   Moderators suddenly become suspicious of the intent of the experts when it is noticed that one is a crack-addled orange cat and the other is a flightless bird with a ginormous nose.  They immediately cut to a report that Trump is about to open a casino in Chattanooga to compete with a planned casino in Walker County, Georgia.

Back to MSNBC, where the hosts of the Republican Debate suddenly, to their horror, realize the debate was actually supposed to televised on CNBC, but was bumped to their network because Major League Baseball and Fox were arguing over the definition of “going to First Base.”

On ESPN, guests and anchors are debating the merits of the College Football Playoff, the recent upsets in on the college gridiron, and how nobody understands just how important Urban Meyer and Ohio State are to college football.  Of course, everyone is watching another network, mainly because there is no reason to gamble on the outcome of the current program.

Paul Ryan strokes his chin thoughtfully as he ponders The Munsters marathon coming up this weekend.

CBS debuts CSI:  Tampa Bay, in which crime scene investigators attempt to discern the reason the Buccaneers gave up a 24 point lead to the freaking Redskins, who had a backup quarterback and the league’s most anemic offense, but nobody here is bitter.

ABC News reported the Wisconsin Representative Paul Ryan has agreed to become Speaker of the House on the explicit condition that “everyone quit calling me ‘Eddie Munster!'”

Finally, on CNBC, network officials actually cut back to the Republican Debate after realizing they had been actually showing a replay of the 2015 Kitten Bowl.  Ratings plummet immediately.  Trump blames “weakling loser cat lovers.”