Category Archives: Atlanta

This Super Bowl prediction will fall down and sink into the swamp.

Today’s big game is a gripping matching of two amazing teams, both of whom made it to the big dance to dance the waltz to claim the most coveted trophy in the world of pro sports, the hand of fair maiden Ivanka Trump. Both teams will face enormous challenges and dangers before they can make it to the bridge of Super Bowl Doom, where the Wizard Goodell awaits with the questions which must be answered to reach the Castle Lombardi.

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“My Lord, shouldn’t we throw the long bomb against them?” “Unwise, my good Knight! After all, they are from New England, which is close to French speakers.”

The Atlanta Falcons, led by King Ryan, had to face the Green Knight Aaron, though the outcome was never truly in doubt, as Ryan chopped off the defensive, offense and ultimately, the special teams of the Packers. Though it was not a draw, the Packers ultimately yielded to the might of the Falcons, and continued on to the Castle of Houston, but not before Packer fans attempted, in a failed attempt at intimidation, to launch a giant cheese wheel over the edge of the castle, but it backfired, causing the castle to burn down, fall over, and sink into the swamp, which we all know is located at the University of Florida.   Ultimately, football fans everywhere were spared the sight of King Ryan and Prince Julio singing when the good knight Sir Quinn successfully advised them to not engage in a debate with media rabble, who continued to sling shit in the fields.

No word as to if the Falcons were forced to locate a shrubbery in the Georgia mountains and cut it down with a herring.

Outside of Boston, the New England Patriots struggled valiantly against the killer Steelers, but they ultimately proved to be little more than fluffy rabbits as the Steeler defense, shortly before cornering the Patriots, suffered a full shutdown. Of course, this could not happen without Sir Brady deploying the Holy Hand Grenade of Belichick, which blew thine enemy to tiny deflated bits.  The Patriots went to work afterwards, methodically declaring at Steelers players witches and beginning the process of lowering them into the Atlantic Ocean, but not until a Lombardi Trophy-shaped beacon distracted the Steelers enough for the Patriots to score several touchdowns on the Steelers, though Patriot cheerleaders did not administer any spankings. However, the Grand Divine Master Kraft revealed himself shortly after the victory and administered one of the greatest tongue lashings in the history of football when he complained about the officiating and them screamed “Go Pats,” and there was much rejoicing. (yay!).

The Patriots then embarked on their great and noble quest, aided by several hundred gallons of clam chowder because the Falcons had already grabbed all the coconuts, and made their way to the Castle Houston, and now they will face the Falcons in the most devastating battle in the history of mankind – Trash Talk Deflate Rise Up Bowl, which was just now named so because of a pre-emptive Cease and Desist Order Issued by the NFL (aka “GOD”).

As part of my quest to divine the winner, I had to reach the bridge of foul smelling doom., where the Master Wizard Goodell’s question to me was “What is the current residential status of the a California franchise?”  My answer “which one?  Charger or Raider?”  His answer, of course, was “wha?  I, I don’t knowwwwwww!” (we can only hope he is tossed into the pit of judgment.)  Still, there is much to be revealed and and I thought this could be accomplished by studying my cat’s litter stink from deep within the pit.  That was proven a fruitless endeavor when I realized I had actually cleaned their box, so I relied instead on the stink of leftover Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Valentines Day 2001 foodstuffs left in my refrigerator, which has afforded me to the vision needed to reveal MY prediction on who wins the big game.

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“It’s a KILLER…wait, no, that the Steelers’ defence.”

In a stunning upset which will eliminate all stink of old crap in the NFL to usher in a new area of healthy, tasty but quickly forgotten trendy culinary treats, the Atlanta Falcons will defeat the New Patriots in a serious classic, with Matt Ryan tossing a long, bean-dip soaked bomb to Julio Jones in the final seconds. Later, it will be revealed that Tom Brady had enough of the NFL, and will request an executive order making him the U.S. Ambassador to Jakku.

Hope you all have a great time watching today’s game and bear in mind, this summary has been issued by a guy who not only doesn’t care too much for either team, but will be watching the Kitten Bowl because it’s, frankly, way more interesting.  As for Ivanka, I’m sure she’ll be happy living in a castle where they flip shit and cows over the walls at their enemies.

And I’m expecting Eric Idle and John Cleese to hit me with C&D Orders any second.  To which I will say one thing.

RUN AWAY!!!

An Open Letter to Atlanta Falcons Fans

Dear Atlanta Falcons Fans:

As a Buccaneers fans living in the Atlanta area, I would like to congratulate Falcons fans for their team reaching the Super Bowl.  Now this is not the first time the Dirty Birds made it to the big game, but it is, by far, the best Falcons team to get to this point.  Having said that, there are some thoughts which a fan of a one-time Super Bowl champion and division rival would like to share.

  • Be classy in victory or defeat.  Regardless of the outcome, show good sportmanship.  Don’t assault Patriots fans or be belligerent towards non-Falcon fans because they don’t care.  Show America Atlanta is a classy town no matter the outcome.
  • Don’t be like “chowds.”  New England fans are called “Chowderheads” but “chowds” are the arrogant, obnoxious, insufferable jerks who make Cowboy Nation and Raiderfan look like teddy bears.  Some Boston fans wear this monicker as a badge of honor…it isn’t.  Whatever you do, make sure you treat other fans with respect if you win.  Don’t become the entitled spoiled brats who think the Patriots and Red Sox are the unbeatable monsters and deserve to win the titles every year.
  • Remember it’s just a game.  This is not a life and death struggle.  No matter what happens, a Super Bowl win would do wonders for civic pride but it will do little to help poverty and homelessness.  Be kind to your fellow man even in victory because, after all, it is just a game.
  • Enjoy the moment.  Making the Super Bowl is a privilege earned by only two teams every year, and most teams don’t return to win it.  Enjoy this moment because, win or lose, it may not come again.
  • Be responsible.  For the love of God, make sure you get a cab or a bus if you overindulge, and don’t go home angry if they lose.  Be sure to show you are an adult so others aren’t hurt.

Finally, have fun and cheer on your team regardless.  When they get back to Atlanta, no matter the outcome, be proud because they did something only one other team has accomplished this year:  compete for the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

With that said, congrats to the Atlanta Falcons for making it this far.  You deserve it.

Sincerely,

A Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan since 1990z

Could Atlanta’s I-285 Use A Coffee Enema?

It is highly unusual for me to write pieces like this in such rapid succession, but there is breaking news I must make you aware of:  the crack staff at the Atlanta Journal-Constitution has managed to figure out how to time-warp again.  The reason I say this is because the article referenced is about digital speed limit signs which don’t work, and is about as breaking a story as knowing Hillary Clinton has the scruples of a common house centipede (check that: the centipede at least has the integrity to break into a billion pieces when struck by a feather!).

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Reportedly even Jennifer Lawrence won’t drive it, and she’s Katniss!

According to the Journal-Constitution article, the State of Georgia has paid $4.9 million dollars for a signage system along I-285, known most commonly as “The Perimeter,” but which is has interchanges with roads named for such notable local celebrities as former Congressional Representative Cynthia McKinney (D-Mordor) who actually once said in 2008 “Anything that is captured by your audio that is captured while I’m not seated in this chair, is off the record and is not permissible to be used. Is that understood?” (look it up!)  The article goes on to state that many of these signs, which are controlled from a “Command Center” run by the Georgia Department of Transportation, are either not showing a speed limit on one side, showing two different speed limits along the same location or, in the most extreme circumstances, have gone complete Hunger Games and show nothing, with overhead traffic “reporting” signs reportedly flashing the message “May the Odds Be Ever In Your Favor.”

What is most concerning about this situation isn’t the lack of speed limits on some signs, or apparent split-personality limits offered by others, but instead the mere fact that this particular issue, which has apparently included a sign which simply said “6” (at about 5 PM on that stretch of highway, that’s called truth in advertising) is being given attention over a recent article by diabetic expert Dr. Timothy Moore, who claims that coffee is beneficial as an enema.  If you don’t believe me, see for yourself.  This somewhat disturbing medical discovery is made all the more concerning by the fact that, in his profile picture, Dr. Moore is shown, cross-armed, holding a whisk in one hand.  Still, I soldiered on through this article to the actual procedure.

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Shown:  Dr. Timothy Moore.  Not Shown (thank goodness):  What that whisk is actually used for!

(Please, prior to reading, finish consuming all food and drink to prevent choking or associated spew on your mobile device.)

The instructions actually begin with this tip – It is best to do the coffee enema first thing in the morning or whenever you begin to feel sick to your stomach.

NOTE:  It’s all downhill from here, folks, and much of this has been edited for taste, and the fact that it was too good an opportunity not to mess with:

Step 1:  Place 3 Tablespoons of ground coffee in 1 quart of water in a glass or stainless steel container, do not add alcohol, no matter how tempted you are!

Step 2:  Bring to a boil and turn heat off immediately and let steep for 5 minutes

Step 3:  Place coffee mixture in an enema bag – it should be as hot as you can tolerate on your hand (though we aren’t sure how this corresponds to the orifice the mixture is actually put into!)

Step 4:  Place nail 42 inches above the floor and hand the enema bag on the nail.  NOTE:  I left this step exactly as written to prove the importance of editing, both to my loyal readers and myself!

Step 5:  Lie on your left side on the floor with your knees drawn up, holding the on/off switch next to your buttocks.  At this point it time, it would appropriate to ask “what the *expletive deleted* am I doing?

Step 6:  Allow coffee mixture to flow in to the colon, taking in as much of the coffee mixture as you can hold.  Also, be sure to allow appropriate room for your favorite sweetener, half & half, or associated lightening product (sorry, I simply couldn’t say the obvious word without feeling I’m going to offend at least a billion people out there, or dying from laughter, but definitely one of the two!)

Step 7:  Wait 1 minute until distension (fullness) is gone.  (You may also develop a sudden desire to sit on a box of donuts or cinnamon rolls afterwards.  This is only temporary.)

Now for the most disturbing step of all…

Step 8:  Repeat the process

Trust me, folks, if you aren’t laughing uncontrollably yet, be prepared to suffer a hernia…

Step 9:  After 3 minutes on left side, roll over to your back.  Stay on your back for 3 minutes and then roll on to your right side.  (This will allow proper mixing of all associated ingredients.)

Step 10:  If you must evacuate, do so.  (Preferably into a large mug you will toss into a firepit and cover with incendiary devices.)

These next two disclaimers I honestly couldn’t make up if I tried:  You initially may only be able to take in few ounces.  Build up to ½ to 1 quart per day (1 time a day)- it is best to do the coffee enema first thing in the morning.

Really?  I think I’d rather take my chances on I-285 with no speed limits, but that’s just me!

Atlanta traffic, “Uptown Funk” style

cropped-atlanta.jpgI’m going to have some fun with some lyrics.  This parody of “Uptown Funk” is actually a biting commentary on the state of Atlanta traffic!  Anyone who chooses to set this ditty to music, please comment with a link to the music so I can watch it!  Thanks, and enjoy!

This is a song for that jam on the connector
This one’s for those backups, those gridlocks, straight cluster*beep*
Sittin’, idlin’, rising with those tempers.
Gonna’ blow up, or blow out, can’t cry so we all whimper.

 

Say what?  Traffic jam!
Call the police unit and HERO man!
Say what?  Traffic jam!
Collisions all over the place.

Say what?  Traffic jam!
The Perimeter and I-20.
Say what?  Traffic jam!
Four hundreds screwed again!

 

Traffic folks goin crazy!
Traffic folks goin crazy!
Traffic folks goin crazy!
Cause At-Lan-ta traffic’s crazy now
At-Lan-ta traffic’s crazy now
All lanes blocked, it’s gridlocked!
Atlanta traffic just sucks!!!

 

Atlanta traffic just sucks!!!

 

Whoa, whoa whoa now….STOP!
Wait a minute! Pull over, it’s a HERO unit!
Wait sec, there’s a wreck, here’s the folks with the stretch!
Wrecks in Austell, Cumberland, Ashford-Dunwoody,
If you drive it, gonna get stuck.
As soon as you hit that freeway!

 

Say what?  Accident!
Call the police and HERO man!
Say what?  Accident!
Jammed everything up to its limit.
Say what?  Accident!
Got the traffic folks going bonkers again.
Say what?  Accident!
Soundin red alerts again!  Here we go…

 

Traffic folks goin crazy!
Traffic folks goin crazy!
Traffic folks goin crazy!
Cause At-Lan-ta traffic’s crazy now
At-Lan-ta traffic’s crazy now
All lanes blocked, it’s gridlocked!
Atlanta traffic just sucks!!!

 

Before you go…
Let me share a little somethin
Atlanta traffic sucks, Atlanta traffic sucks.
Atlanta traffic sucks, Atlanta traffic sucks.
Atlanta traffic sucks, Atlanta traffic sucks.
Atlanta traffic sucks, Atlanta traffic sucks.

 

Don’t…jump on it…you’re better off on MARTA
Aint worth bein stuck there an hour.
You’ll save gas just parkin
Don’t…jump on it…you’re better off on MARTA
All lanes are blocked, it’s gridlocked
Atlanta traffic just sucks.

 

Atlanta traffic just sucks. (repeat to the end)