“Are we destined to be ruled by a bunch of old white men, who compared the world to football and are programmed to defend…” – Jimmy Buffett, Only Time Will Tell (from Banana Wind)
This song came to mind with the series of recent tweets by President Donald Trump (a Mark Burnett prank) in which he not only accuses everyone, including the Klingons, of being on a “witch hunt,” but also is depicted bodyslamming CNN, pro-wrestling style. Watching these tweets leading up to the July 4th holiday gave me great pause and, as much as I’m attempting to put a humorous spin on this for my sanity, it also led me to a sobering realization.
Not only has America never gotten past high school, we’ve seemed to regressed to the sandbox.
Social media has become full of this behavior. As hard as it may be to believe, I actually found a statement from a Trump supporter who claimed our nation’s problems were caused by “nerds.” Yes folks, it would seem that Adlai Stevenson has been cloned and put on the Presidential campaign trail (historical fact: when Stevenson ran against Dwight Eisenhower in 1952, Republican activists call Stevenson and his ilk “eggheads,” a high school-level insult). This may seem silly to be concerned about, but it’s an issue which does lend itself to some disturbing thoughts. In particular, are the “jocks” of America scared that pocket protectors are going to coming fashion? After all, the nerd-based series The Big Bang Theory, as well as all things nerd, have been in serious vogue lately, but that also generated the “ultra masculine” counterculture of all things of the Y chromosome, including beards long enough to braid into credible climbing ropes. It’s really difficult to quantify the severity of this issue, especially since me desire to insert the word “quantify” in appropriate fashion may have led to the headache I’m currently experiencing.
If you managed to keep up with this blog post so far, you’ve actually proven that you either have amazing focus or, honestly, you’re just
We enter this coming July 4th a nation conflicted as never before, and the “high school” mentality has only made it worse. We have the “jocks” and “nerds” and “stoners” and “popular kids” all at each others throats, and just waiting for the ice cream machine at McDonalds to actually work. We have a President who is tweeting more than canary dodging a cat with a serious lisp, and nobody in his own party can seem to find a way to get him to stop. The last time I saw someone spiral out of control like this, he ended up being blasted out of existence at his own coronation by a successor who himself proved to be insane, and that was a movie!
Still, as disjointed as this post is, nothing could possibly be as disturbing as the fact that our nation is facing its greatest crisis ever – the rise of the designer paper clip! That’s right, a designer (I won’t divulge their name in the event they have Trump’s lawyers) has unveiled an exclusive paper clip line. The box of this particular avante garde office supply Is approximately $200, and comes with enough paper clips to hold several pieces of exotic stationery made from the skins of helpless outsourced call center employees who expressed their dissatisfaction with their boss saying if they could get back to work, that’d be great. While I cannot afford said paper clips, I can only imagine conversations in the offices of high-powered couture execs:
BOSS: I need my special paper clips.
EMPLOYEE: Why? A paper clip is a paper clip.
BOSS: Are you kidding me? This memo is being sent to Kim Kardashian and if I don’t use the right clip, she’ll tweet more sex tapes my way and you know I need to keep my lunch down.
Speaking of lunch, if anyone has a suggestion for how to make a hamburger large enough to bodyslam a President, that would be great!
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