Winter Storm and Warrior Princess Helena is nearing the end of her life, and has taken many a casualty. According to the National Weather Service and Liberal Extremist Propaganda Arm (now under New Management of Trump Political Enterprises), this particular weather system wreaked havoc on several states as well as the Federated Football Republic of Alabama. Of course, America’s southeastern news outlets kicked into hyperdrive and began their usual “Breaking News Round the Clock First Coverage You Can Count On” routine.
8:35 AM: National Weather Service officials, in conjunction with the Russian News Agency TASS, begins issuing “facty” weather alerts about reports of blizzards hitting areas of Mexico, Idaho and the Andromeda Galaxy.
9:45 AM: Alabama Governor Bob “Northwood” Bentley, in a move of complete foresight and genuine political vision, opts to receive instead of kickoff the storm.
10:22 AM: Georgia Governor Nathan Deal, upon hearing the choice of his Alabama counterpart, immediately sends Winter Storm Helena to the National Weather Service for booth review, and also alerts the NCAA for possible recruiting violations.
11:11 AM: Outgoing Alabama offensive coordinator and soon-to-be Florida Atlanta coaching guru extraordinaire Lane Kiffin announces that Winter Storm Helena has delayed his time table for learning organization by “several years.”
11:49 AM: Georgia DOT officials immediately begin brining all roads and bridges in the Atlanta area. Alabama DOT officials also begin brining their highways until it’s pointed that pickle juice doesn’t work.
12:45 PM: Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed, exercising extreme intelligence, announces that he will, in fact, be driven home by police escort in his black SUV with blue lights going. When asked why this was necessary, he refuses comment, but his staff issues a 1,000 word press release about the merits of the Atlanta streetcar’s ice-resistant wheels.
1:18 PM: Walker County, Georgia officials issue a statement describing the situation in Lafayette as “dire” and “untenable,” until it’s revealed that Bebe Heiskell didn’t actually issue the release, so it’s taken seriously for once.
2:45 PM: Macon-Bibb County officials, in preparation for the oncoming storm, suddenly remember that I-475 actually runs through their county and maybe, just maybe, it would be a good idea to treat the road.
3:18 PM: Cobb County DOT deploys thousands of gallons of brine solution onto local roads and interstates, but the plan is thrown into disarray when the County Commission is sued for a lack of public hearing in the decision.
4:22 PM: To the south, in Florida, 19 million residents laugh derisively at the rest of the southeast, then light their grills start the ritual winter cookout season.
5:30 PM: Birmingham is paralyzed when the Heat Miser vanishes and Jack Frost is found in a drunken state on the campus of the University of Alabama. Lane Kiffin is blamed for the incident.
6:19 PM: Every single news outlet east of Tupelo, Mississippi goes into all-out DEFCON 1 alert status. In Atlanta, five stations interrupt popular programming to issue extremely scary, confusing and “facty” weather bulletins.
7:29 PM: Fearing a shortage of French Toast as a result of the oncoming storm, Atlanta residents buy up almost 9000% percent of all available bread and eggs. IHOP futures spike in after-hours syrup pouring.
9:45 PM: An entire hour of news coverage is lost when Winter Storm Helena stops for a moment, looks at Atlanta, scratches head and asks “which way do I really wanna fuck this city up?”
10:18 PM: News outlets across Atlanta declare an state of intergalactic emergency and call on the United Federation of Planets to fire photon torpedoes at the to intensify it.
12:00 AM til…
6 AM: Something happened overnight resulting in a lot of snow and ice in some areas, and nothing but slush in others. The Russians are believed to have been behind it all.
8:10 AM: Donald Trump issues a statement saying that Winter Storm Helena did not actually affect Atlanta and promised to “Make I-285 Great Again.”
9:30 AM: The Atlanta Falcons announce they are going to actually win their playoff game next week in a news release written by former Men’s Wearhouse CEO George Zimmer saying “you’re gonna like the way we play…we guarantee it!”
10:34 AM: Everyone goes back to sleep
12:19 PM: Birmingham officials announce they are shutting down the city and that people need to stay off the roadways – Atlanta drivers immediately flood to the city and jam up interstate highways.
3:02 PM: Winter Storm Helena sends a text message politicians across the southeast which translated roughly into “you my bitches!”
4:19 PM: We decide it’s too damned cold out, and we’re fresh outta beer!
5:01 PM: Levi’s takes over the show.
6:11 PM: Everyone dials directory assistance asking for the number to their governors to complain.
9:00 PM: NOBODY knows where their Winter Storm is.
10:52 PM: Time for a nap and just walked outside and shouted at Mother Nature to take her freaking Xanax!