Football season is in full swing, the World Series is nearly the final gun, and our elections are almost decided. With that extremely mixed metaphor out of the way, it’s time to pull out the most non feared weapon in my writing arsenal, the Political and Cultural Penalty Flags.
Unsportsmanlike Conduct: Donald Trump for claiming a system is rigged and fixed before those who rig it have a chance to rig it. Loss of quiet time with Melania, automatic media scrunity.
Illegal Procedure: Hillary Clinton for multiple email server infractions. Half the distance to Weiner, loss of credibility.
Holding: President Obama for not taking numerous opportunities to thank good police officers for their work. Loss of legacy.
Pass Interference: Bill Clinton. You do the math. Ten grope penalty loss of flirting privileges.
Unnecessary Roughness: North Dakota Governor Jack Dalrymple for his treatment of native lands with the Standing Rock situation. Loss of respect and ton of bad karma.
Holding: Media for refusing to allow third party candidates in the presidential debates. Five rating point penalty, still in business.
Roughing the quarterback: Congress for overriding a veto. Five seat penalty, automatic “Who cares?”
Intentional grounding: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for the whole “BridgeGate” mess. Loss of respect from voters. Automatic end of career.
Offensive pass interference: Joe Biden for saying “oh GOD” about Anthony Weiner during a CNN interview. Half the distance to the end of his term, fourth down.
Illegal formation: Debbie Wasserman-Schultz for her role in Bernie Sanders defeat in the primary. Donald Trumps questionable charities and donations to Florida attorney general Pam Bondi. Penalties offset, replay the bonehead moves.
- Election machine issues in multiple states.
- Dakota pipeline treaty violations.
- Obamas legacy.
- Hillary Clintons email server.
Illegal procedure: Vladimir Putin for talking about our election. Ten warhead penalty, loss of next guerilla war.
Face mask: Anyone wearing a Suicide Squad or Deadpool costume this year. Loss of action, turnover on downs.
Too many men on the field: Game of Thrones. Walking Dead. Deadpool. Oh wait, that’s too many LIVE men on the field.
Encroachment: This blog for ripping off too much of Dave Barry’s style. By rule, this post is over.