We interrupt this post about my cats Max and Rex, who continue to engage in General Sun Tzu’s time-honored war strategy of “confuse and infuriate,” to bring you this special, super-secret, ultra-high-priority, stuck-in-my-spam-folder message from the US Department of Homeland Security, which has become so secretive they have gone to using Gmail addresses to disguise their activity. Of course, as part of my patriotic duty as an American, I will “translate” this message from its stilted “bureaucratese” into “Plain English,” but not “Hollywood English,” because I don’t want Kanye West coming to my doorstep to administer a ritual beatdown because I’m using Kim Kardashian’s name and “booty” in the same sentence.
By the way, yesterday was “Talk like a Pirate Day” so using “booty” and “swag” in the standard vernacular would have gotten you free grub at select locations, including Krispy Kreme!
Anyway, here we go with the super secret message and translation:
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY,MG Jeh Charles Johnson .
Lowenberg, Adjutant General and Director State Military Department
Washington Military Dept., Bldg1 Camp Murry, Wash 98430-5000 USA.
TRANSLATION: Don’t even bother to trace this – we don’t even know where it’s coming from.
Good Day To You ,
I hope this email finds you in good spirit and in good health? because i am quite aware of your losses in the past years now through this security office intelligent track devices, it may surprise you that i am also aware of your Consignment Boxes Pursuit In Kenya ,Benin, Ghana, Togo, Nigeria, Spain, France, Malaysia, Indonesia, China, Korea and etc .My name Is Supp. Jeh Charles Johnson,the Current secretary of U.S Department Of Homeland Security, i am in charge to monitor all Foreign Transactions In Africa Europe And Asia and this kept me in constantly traveling round the world.
TRANSLATION: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, something, something, foreign transactions, Africa, travel, intelligence, security, blah, blah, blah, setting up the con.
I have been in The U.S Department Of Homeland Security Secret Service now since The Government of President Barack Obama, monitoring the various transactions going on in Africa, Europe And Asia, most especially Consignments Cases, A.T.M Card Cases And Bank Transfer. I do not intend to spoil your day or to put you under duress. But you can not receive any of your Consignments Boxes, A.T.M Card And Bank Transfer pursuit, without a Clearance from this U.S Department Of
Homeland Security. However, upon my arrival in Kenya after servies of meetings with our President Barack Obama and United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, due to numerous complains from other Security Agencies from Africa Asia, Europe, Oceania, Antarctica,South America And The United States Of America Respectively, and against the Kenya Government and Nigeria over the rate of Scam/Fraudulent Activities going on in these Africa Countries and around the World.
TRANSLATION: It’s all Obama’s fault! No, wait! It’s his idea! That’s right!
When i arrive in the Kenya Parliament in Nairobi and going through all cases of unpaid funds, i found your Consignment Box Clearance File lying on the Foreign Affair Office Desk without any attention and on a thorough scrutiny, i discovered that your Consignment have been abandoned by your delivery agent. Meanwhile, i was made to understand that the Foreign Affair Office have tried to reach to you, but no way and they have made several attempts to contact your delivery agent but to no avail. To my greatest surprise, during my recent routine Re-Checking, i personally discovered that your Consignment Content Declaration Document (C.C.D.D)stated that your Consignment Contains Personal Effects meanwhile, it contains United States Dollar Cash Us$11 Million Dollars, (level Million United States Dollars) which made it impossible for the Consignment to be delivered to you earlier before now.
TRANSLATION: The Department of Homeland Security’s covert financial interception unit, Money Order Retrieval Omnibus Nominal (MORON), is working diligently to locate you. MORON believes you to be owed monies of some sort, likely in Rupees since nobody else will admit to it.
Based on this personal discovery, i am contacting you now to let you know that with my position and power as the secretary of U.S Department Of Homeland Security and now i am presently here in Republic of Kenya to handle this matter of all unpaid foreign payment to their respective owners like you, i can assist you to legally clear your Consignment Funds and personally make the shipment to you on my traveling back, but you must agree with the following conditions. Because i have called our office in Washington,Dc from here in Kenya, who has been intercepting all your E-Mail Communications, telephone
Text/Sms messages & all telephone Calls, with the help of Mtn, Tigo Vodafone And Airtel Network Kenya. I also received some information from our Homeland Security Office representing here in Kenya, they have confirmed about your emails, & other communications that you have been dealing and sending Money to
people in Benin, Ghana, South Africa, Togo, Nigeria , UK & etc who claims to be the Western Union Directors and representative of other unofficial offices. You are also dealing with a Bank, and other names which i am still waiting to be forwarded to me from Our Office In Washington,Dc. My office authority have monitored all your dealings with those Hoodlums.
You are advice to from hence fort stop further dealings with all the above mentioned people, until we complete our investigation. Because your dealing with them is termed as illegal transaction. I wish to inform you that we the Homeland Security is on look out for all the above mentioned names, mostly those who claims to be the director of West African Debt settlement, Western Union And Money Gram And A.T.M Card offices and including the property recovery Benin. All these mentioned people are imposters, and we intend to apprehend them soon. I want you to please stop communicating, and dealing with them until we complete our investigation. I wish to notify you about the latest development concerning your Consignment Box content of your total USD$11 Million that was already handed over to me today. Your Consignment Box content of your total USD$11 Million was assigned to me today after the meeting held between me and some of the top Parliament members of Kenya and the Foreign Affair Minister in the Kenya Capital Commercial Headquarters Nairobi, due to the delay by you as nobody has haired from you to receive your Consignment Box For Long time now.
TRANSLATION: MORON and its partner agency, Dual Use Mail Bureau Assistance Service System (DUMBASS) are beginning a process which requires you to cease contact with anyone but MORON and DUMBASS immediately. We mean it.
Accordingly, we have waived away all your Consignment Box “Clearance Fees” and authorized the Government of Kenya Republic to allow me fly with this your approved Consignment Box to make the delivery to you without any delay which they have agreed. The only Fee you will Pay to confirm Your Consignment Box received in your possession is the “Air Flight Weight Fee” of your Consignment Box which is the sum of USD$98.00 only.In order words your Briefcase is with me now and i shall be coming to your country to make the delivery to you as soon as you sent me your below shipping details/Address where you will want
your consignment be deliver to you.
TRANSLATION: MORON and DUMBASS have contracted with Federal Office Of Logistics (FOOL) to ensure you receive your prompt payment. You have also been identified as a prime candidate to be employed with MORON, DUMBASS and FOOL. We hope you accept this offer but need the following information:
Your Full Name: ………
Your Full Address: ……
Your Direct Telephone Numbers: ………….
Preferably, you can send us your Mobile Phone number to enable an urgent direct contact with you hence the arrival in your city. Hence i hear from you also with the MTCN Numbers for the fee payment of the Air Flight Weight Fee of your Consignment Box which is the sum of USD$98.00 only, then, i will be coming along with your Consignment Briefcase Box content of your USD$11 Million, but remember that as the secretary of The Department Of Homeland Security United States Of America, i am a Us Government Secret Security Agent and i have the power to go through any Airport Customs and security Agents without personal inspection or inspecting what i carry along. And as soon as i arrive in your state, i will give you a telephone call and instantly send an email to you from my official I pad Hand Computer which is always with me while traveling around the world so that you will give me a direction on how we can meet Face to Face and i will physically hand over your Consignment Box to you before proceeding back to to my official duty Post in the States.
TRANSLATION: I have an Ipad, and I need your money to finance its purchase because MORON, DUMBASS and FOOL sent the money elsewhere. Who knew they were so dense? Also, send me money through Western Union because the rest of this memo was cut off as because it was so ridiculously written that even a preschooler using a Common Core-designed See-N-Spell can see right through it.
SUPP. INTELLIGENCY GENERAL,Jeh Charles Johnson
From The U.S Department Of Homeland Security
phone number +254738404446
TRANSLATION: If you buy this tripe, you should immediately be disqualified from voting because you are likely a member of the Pastafarian Party and write in the Flying Spaghetti God as your candidate. On second thought, that’s not a bad choice!
Oh, and they have nothing to do with the swag booty beatdown for the free Krispy Kreme donut. We think that’s the case, anyway.