Hurricane Hermine is poised to hit the Big Bend area of Florida tonight with up to 90 mph winds, heavy rains, swells and enough news sensationalism to power ratings for at least three years past the current election cycle. News outlets all across the region have sprung into action, activating teams of reporters, throngs of meteorologists, and legions of “spotters” looking for their chance for the $10,000 prize and a shot at “America’s Favorite Attention Hog.”
The suggested storm track of Hermine puts it approximately 100 miles northwest of Cedar Key, too far for any beach bar indulging, but well within reach of Tallahassee, and its famous Tennessee Street party district but, much like the Florida General Assembly, this area has appeared to have cleared out. Florida Governor Rick Scott, in a stunning moment of clarity, ordered a State of Emergency declared, which he later told reporters was “privileged information” and, having been sent from his private account long before Hillary Clinton cleared out for her next fundraiser, was not subject to state open records laws. Georgia Governor Nathan Deal lost the game for the Peach State when he fumbled the declaration and Scott recovered it. Deal issued a partial declaration hours later but, by then, the game was already a blowout. The rematch is set for late November in Jacksonville.
We are pleased to report that news stations across South Georgia are up and running in their “Storm Centers,” featuring “live, local, late breaking” reports consisting of reporters replaying and re-narrating video shot several hours prior. We are also pleased to report that no news anchors, weather anchors or sportscasters were harmed in the making of said reports. We can’t say the same of radio broadcasters, as many are reported to be holed in the same studios they’ve been in since 2012, eating the same freeze dried food purchased by station management to survive the Mayan apocalypse. Zombie sightings have been filed near radio stations in Tallahassee and Albany but it is believed these are just station employees suffering the effects of “food insurance hangover.”
Finally tonight, we must pay tribute to our athletes who are caught in this storm. Hermine has commit an act of blasphemy as many high school football games across Georgia and Florida have been rescheduled. Reports of exorcisms being performed at high school venues are unsubstantiated, but at least one fan is blaming Hermine for the upcoming Georgia Bulldogs season, saying “might as well get it out of the way now.”
Well, that’s all we have here at storm central. Have a safe evening and please, don’t try this at home unless of course you’re at home in the path of the storm and, in that case, have lots of quality adult beverage standing by, along with a generator with which to plug in your Xbox and modem.