Trump vs. Clinton: The Ultimate Monday Night Super Something-or-other

HEMPSTEAD, NY – Hofstra’s football season in Division I Football Championship Subdivision (read:  REAL playoff, not this TV crap!), kicked into high gear tonight when, in a momentous showdown, Republican billionaire tycoon and Make-America-Great Booster Donald “The Hair” Trump faced off against his Democratic opponent, closest commie-elitist and reputed illegitimate twin sister of Dr. Evil Hillary Rodham Kennedy Onassis Pelosi Chelsea Hiddleston Swift Clinton.

L-R:  Clinton, Trump, and some guy who sold out.

PREGAME:  It took near fifteen minutes for moderator Lester “I am objective, dammit!” Holt to introduce the players, actually establish ground rules, flip the coin, comb Trump’s hair, prop Clinton up against her post, and then get comfortable in his Chair of Perpetual Squirming.  No swords were reported used in the construction of said chair.

FIRST QUARTER:  Trump opted to receive, but fumbled on kickoff when Clinton, in a stunning move reminiscent of the New England Patriots, attempted to deflate the GOP nominee’s ego.  Despite managing to recover the ball, Clinton was unable to make much headway at first, settling for small gains, such as calling her opponent “Donald” as opposed to “Mr. Trump.”  During her initial scoring drive, Clinton was twice called for delay of game, but Holt reversed the decision after realizing that NBC was not, in fact, producing the debate.  Once he managed to get the ball back, Trump began to hammer away the Clinton defense, using relentless attacks against her economic policies and tax rates, with his patented quick-out play calls of “great” and “extraordinary” used repeatedly to advance the ball.  Quarter ends with Trump scoring three times, twice on the debate floor and once with Marla Maples during a water break, but the latter was reversed when Holt flagged Trump for Illegal Procedure:  Time Travel to the late 1980s.  Clinton kicked a field goal, with former President Bill Clinton’s head being used to hold the ball in place – yes, his head was also kicked.  Fortunately, nobody in the crowd was injured when the errant kick careened off the podium, with Bill’s head striking a female camera grip in the groin.  At the end of the first quarter:  Trump 32, Clinton -3

SECOND QUARTER:  Trump continued to hammer away at Clinton’s economic policies, using an aggressive pass attack to shred the Democrat’s defense, before having to settle for a field goal after Clinton opened up an IRS blitz package on him.  Trump attempted to use play “33,000” to confuse his opponent, but the naked bootleg made so many in the audience vomit simultaneously, Trump was quickly hit by Holt with a penalty for Unsportmanslike Conduct, moving him away from a sure 1st and Goal situation.  The GOP nominee eventually had to settle for another field goal.  Clinton struck back quickly, with lightning speed, using her recently perfected offensive package “DaddysSmallBusiness” as fast-attack offense with repeated up-the-gut blows from her solid counter-strike offensive play of “TrumpStiffs” and “Loan 600 mil” to keep Trump off guard.  Both plays led to fast scores, with Clinton ultimately closing the gap, but not until Holt called her for illegal procedure when she, in a moment of astonishing foolishness, admitted she screwed up as a politician when she previously denied screwing up.  At the end of the half:  Trump 35, Clinton 23.9

Talked a LOT about her dad’s small business.  Closet one-percenter.

HALFTIME:  Half the known universe when on social media to Facebook, Tweet, Instalock, and Pin The Tail on the Interest (we think), while the rest was getting hammered on cheap beer, and watching Monday Night Football.

THIRD QUARTER:   Clinton blew out of the gate, returning the second half kickoff for a quick score with her calls for better opportunities for minorities. Upon getting the ball back, Trump began to chew clock with his reliable “LawOrder” offense, pounding away at the Clinton defense with a strong ground game.  Clinton attempted to force turnovers with regards to Trump’s record on race relations, but those attempts were to no avail as his offensive game was well in control when he had the ball.  Unfortunately, Trump’s drive stalled when he got to the red zone, and Clinton’s defense stiffened when questions about New York’s “Stop and Frisk” law arose.  Trump lost the ball on attempts, then challenged the ruling on the field, but Holt ruled there was irrefutable evidence that Trump and Clinton were both hogging the limelight, so the play stood as called.  Clinton got the ball back, but her drive stalled when she tried to laugh and nearly broke her kickstand.  At the end of the Third Quarter:  Trump 41, Clinton 50

Republican presidential candidate Trump gestures and declares "You're fired!" at a rally in Manchester
This was just him yelling “hike!”  Seriously.

FOURTH QUARTER:  The final stanza of this showdown was a see-saw battle of wills, with Trump scoring twice in rapid succession finding political holes in the Clinton defense.  Clinton then put Trump on his heels with repeated accusations about his take on nuclear weapons, NATO, pet spiders, large fluffy rabbits and rumors he favored Detroit Pizza over New York.  Trump fired back that Clinton’s team allowed Iran to become more powerful, Cleveland to win a world championship in basketball, cats to become more popular than dogs, and Florida State University to lose to Louisville.  The two continued to trade pot shots, with Lester Holt looking visibly sleepy and even tossing the occasional errant penalty flag at the crowd for unnecessary boredom, but the final minute displayed Clinton and Trump each getting hit with offsetting penalties for obnoxiousness and going off-script.  At the end of the debate, two knights came in, shook hands, said “alright, we’ll call it a draw,” then Sean Bean was paraded in and beheaded.

Final Score:  Trump *@#!  Clinton *@#!

This is your brain on debates and Lester Holt.  Any questions?


Attendance:  325 (300 drunk by the end of the debate)

Debate Time:  Entirely too long.

STAT                      TRUMP                 CLINTON

Attacks                 13                           12

Yawns                   0                              4

Cheap Shots       9                              2

Talking Points    4                              32

IRS Mentions     3                              2339002

Sane Moments 2                              5

Snide Remarks  5                              5

Penalties             13                           13

Officials:  Lester Hold (NBC)

NOTES:  Screw it, let’s go get a beer and watch “WestWorld” when it comes on.

Time for MORON and DUMBASS to enjoy some “booty” and “swag,” sans Kanye

Avast!  Ye steal his lady and her “booty,” he’ll take yer “swag” and free donut and beat you down and eat the donut in front of you!

We interrupt this post about my cats Max and Rex, who continue to engage in General Sun Tzu’s time-honored war strategy of “confuse and infuriate,” to bring you this special, super-secret, ultra-high-priority, stuck-in-my-spam-folder message from the US Department of Homeland Security, which has become so secretive they have gone to using Gmail addresses to disguise their activity.  Of course, as part of my patriotic duty as an American, I will “translate” this message from its stilted “bureaucratese” into “Plain English,” but not “Hollywood English,” because I don’t want Kanye West coming to my doorstep to administer a ritual beatdown because I’m using Kim Kardashian’s name and “booty” in the same sentence.

By the way, yesterday was “Talk like a Pirate Day” so using “booty” and “swag” in the standard vernacular would have gotten you free grub at select locations, including Krispy Kreme!

Anyway, here we go with the super secret message and translation:

Lowenberg, Adjutant General and Director State Military Department
Washington Military Dept., Bldg1 Camp Murry, Wash 98430-5000 USA.

TRANSLATION:  Don’t even bother to trace this – we don’t even know where it’s coming from.

Good Day To You ,

I hope this email finds you in good spirit and in good health? because i am quite aware of your losses in the past years now through this security office intelligent track devices, it may surprise you that i am also aware of your Consignment Boxes Pursuit In Kenya ,Benin, Ghana, Togo, Nigeria, Spain, France, Malaysia, Indonesia, China, Korea and etc .My name Is Supp. Jeh Charles Johnson,the Current secretary of U.S Department Of Homeland Security, i am in charge to monitor all Foreign Transactions In Africa Europe And Asia and this kept me in constantly traveling round the world.

TRANSLATION:  Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, something, something, foreign transactions, Africa, travel, intelligence, security, blah, blah, blah, setting up the con.

I have been in The U.S Department Of Homeland Security Secret Service now since The Government of President Barack Obama, monitoring the various transactions going on in Africa, Europe And Asia, most especially Consignments Cases, A.T.M Card Cases And Bank Transfer. I do not intend to spoil your day or to put you under duress. But you can not receive any of your Consignments Boxes, A.T.M Card And Bank Transfer  pursuit, without a Clearance from this U.S Department Of
Homeland Security. However, upon my arrival in Kenya after servies of meetings with our President Barack Obama and United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, due to numerous complains from other Security Agencies from Africa Asia, Europe, Oceania, Antarctica,South America And The United States Of America Respectively, and against the Kenya Government and Nigeria over the rate of Scam/Fraudulent Activities going on in these Africa Countries and around the World.

TRANSLATION:  It’s all Obama’s fault!  No, wait!  It’s his idea!  That’s right!

When i arrive in the Kenya Parliament in Nairobi and going through all cases of unpaid funds, i found your Consignment Box Clearance File lying on the Foreign Affair Office Desk without any attention and on a thorough scrutiny, i discovered that your Consignment have been abandoned by your delivery agent. Meanwhile, i was made to understand that the Foreign Affair Office have tried to reach to you, but no way and they have made several attempts to contact your delivery agent but to no avail. To my greatest surprise, during my recent routine Re-Checking, i personally discovered that your Consignment Content Declaration Document (C.C.D.D)stated that your Consignment Contains Personal Effects meanwhile, it contains United States Dollar Cash Us$11 Million Dollars,  (level Million United States Dollars) which made it impossible for the Consignment to be delivered to you earlier before now.

TRANSLATION:  The Department of Homeland Security’s covert financial interception unit, Money Order Retrieval Omnibus Nominal (MORON), is working diligently to locate you.  MORON believes you to be owed monies of some sort, likely in Rupees since nobody else will admit to it.

Based on this personal discovery, i am contacting you now to let you know that with my position and power as the secretary of U.S Department Of Homeland Security and now i am presently here in Republic of Kenya to handle this  matter of all unpaid foreign payment to their respective owners like you, i can assist you to legally clear your Consignment Funds and personally make the shipment to you on my traveling back, but you must agree with the following conditions. Because i have called our office in Washington,Dc from here in Kenya, who has been intercepting all your E-Mail Communications, telephone
Text/Sms messages & all telephone Calls, with the help of Mtn, Tigo Vodafone And Airtel Network Kenya. I also received some information from our Homeland Security Office representing here in Kenya, they have confirmed about your emails, & other communications that you have been dealing and sending Money to
people in Benin, Ghana, South Africa, Togo,  Nigeria , UK & etc who claims to be the Western Union Directors and representative of other unofficial offices. You are also dealing with a Bank, and other names which i am still waiting to be forwarded to me from Our Office In Washington,Dc. My office authority have monitored all your dealings with those Hoodlums.

You are advice to from hence fort stop further dealings with all the above mentioned people, until we complete our investigation. Because your dealing with them is termed as illegal transaction. I wish to inform  you that we the Homeland Security is on look out for all the above mentioned names, mostly those who claims to be the director of West African Debt settlement, Western Union And Money Gram And A.T.M Card offices and including the property recovery Benin. All these mentioned people are imposters, and we intend to apprehend them soon. I want you to please stop communicating, and dealing with them until we complete our investigation. I wish to notify you about the latest development concerning your Consignment Box content of your total USD$11 Million that was already handed over to me today. Your Consignment Box content of your total USD$11 Million was assigned to me today after the meeting held between me and some of the top Parliament members of Kenya and the Foreign Affair Minister in the Kenya Capital Commercial Headquarters Nairobi, due to the delay by you as nobody has haired from you to receive your Consignment Box For Long time now.

TRANSLATION:  MORON and its partner agency, Dual Use Mail Bureau Assistance Service System (DUMBASS) are beginning a process which requires you to cease contact with anyone but MORON and DUMBASS immediately.  We mean it.

Accordingly, we have waived away all your Consignment Box “Clearance Fees” and authorized the Government of Kenya Republic to allow me fly with this your approved Consignment Box to make the delivery to you without any delay which they have agreed. The only Fee you will Pay to confirm Your Consignment Box received in your possession is the “Air Flight Weight Fee” of  your Consignment Box which is the sum of USD$98.00 only.In order words your Briefcase is with me now and i shall be coming to your country to make the delivery to you as soon as you sent me your below shipping details/Address where you will want
your consignment be deliver to you.

TRANSLATION:  MORON and DUMBASS have contracted with Federal Office Of Logistics (FOOL) to ensure you receive your prompt payment.  You have also been identified as a prime candidate to be employed with MORON, DUMBASS and FOOL.  We hope you accept this offer but need the following information:

Your Full Name: ………
Your Full Address:  ……
Your Direct Telephone Numbers: ………….

Preferably, you can send us your Mobile Phone number to enable an urgent direct  contact with you hence the arrival in your city. Hence i hear from you also with the MTCN Numbers for the fee payment of  the Air Flight Weight Fee of your Consignment Box which is the sum of USD$98.00 only, then, i will be coming along with your Consignment Briefcase  Box content of your USD$11 Million, but remember that as the secretary of The Department Of Homeland Security United States Of America, i am a Us Government Secret Security Agent and i have the power to go through any Airport Customs and security Agents without personal inspection or inspecting what i carry along. And as soon as i arrive in your state, i will give you a telephone call and instantly send an email to you from my official I pad Hand Computer which is always with me while traveling around the world so that you will give me a direction on how we can meet Face to Face and i will physically hand over your Consignment Box to you before proceeding back to to my official duty Post in the States.

TRANSLATION:  I have an Ipad, and I need your money to finance its purchase because MORON, DUMBASS and FOOL sent the money elsewhere.  Who knew they were so dense?  Also, send me money through Western Union because the rest of this memo was cut off as because it was so ridiculously written that even a preschooler using a Common Core-designed See-N-Spell can see right through it.

Sincerely Yours,
From The U.S Department Of Homeland Security
phone number +254738404446

TRANSLATION:  If you buy this tripe, you should immediately be disqualified from voting because you are likely a member of the Pastafarian Party and write in the Flying Spaghetti God as your candidate.  On second thought, that’s not a bad choice!

Oh, and they have nothing to do with the swag booty beatdown for the free Krispy Kreme donut.  We think that’s the case, anyway.

A new, and off-the-wall, approach to life, love and finding happiness

When you open up part of who you are to the world, you often forget who you are.  It’s so easy to forget that some of our best allies and supporters come from out of nowhere, and those who we’ve counted on to be in our corner when it counts the most are the people who we learn we can’t count on at all.  It hurts, it sucks and it’s part of life.

Why not live everyday like it deserves a great cup of coffee?

When this happens, what do you do?  Can you whine and bitch and moan about it?  Sure, but you’re likely going to isolate yourself even further.  Why not simply look at everything as a lesson?  That gets old too, huh?  Well, maybe it’s time to take a very different approach to life in general.  How about for once we just look at life as though it’s one day before we die each day?

It’s a crazy idea, yes, to be sure.  We see death and tragedy each day, but what if, for once, we simply take the concept of death and realize that it could happen at any moment in life?  Seriously, we could walk outside and someone driving a car loses control and smacked into us.  We’re road pizza and gone.   Maybe we drop from heart failure, or the building we’re in explodes?  What did we do up until that moment?  Did we run scared?  Did do everything in our power to avoid being hurt?  Did we play it safe our whole life in everything we did because it was expected of us?

It’s a balancing act, but there comes a point where you simply have to say “screw it.”  You have to live, and realize that the depression you’re in may not be a choice, but the way you take it on sure as hell is.  The problems you have with money may be the result of past decisions, but this is the now, and we can figure out a way to fix it.  Easier said than done, of course.  Talk is cheap, and this blog is written talk.  But the point is this – did the point I made get you to thinking?  If you answered “yes” then life, for the briefest of moments, just opened to you in all its glory, all its options, regardless of how few.  This post is intended to do many things, but there is one above all – get everyone to think and, by extension, offer some hope.

Or worthy of a eulogy written by “Weird Al” Yankovic?

Think about your life for a few seconds; don’t ask yourself anything, just think about who you are and think about how great it would be to be remembered for living your life as you would on your last day on earth.  Think about all the fun, crazy, off the wall things you would do; all the wild, nutty and fun things you would say, and the person you knew you could be on your last day on earth.  Guess what?  You can do it because this is your last day on earth.

Unless, tomorrow is, and so on and so forth.

Get the idea?

Sure, we all have responsibilities and bills to pay.  There are societal norms we must adhere to so others aren’t hurt, and that’s fair and right.  We can’t just say “whatever” to legitimate obligations but, beyond that, we sure as hell can learn to live life not “out loud,” but with the mentality of “last day on earth” or, as my dad loved to say before taking pictures “smile!  World ends tomorrow!”  I used to think he was being his usual bizarre morbid self, but now I get it!  He was trying to tell me something all along – to live as the person I am, but do it like tomorrow was my last day on earth.

If there’s one way I want to be remembered, that’s how it is.  I may not always have a great day.  I may be grouchy, depressed, sad or pining for that lost love, but I’ll be doing it with every ounce of my being.  Like Billy Joel’s song “I got to extremes,” I’ll be living my life through my loving, my writing, my friends, my family, my food, my personality…the way I’ve always wanted to; as me, only like I’m gonna die tomorrow.  I want to be remembered for those corny jokes, the weird comic strips I draw and the crazy stories I tell, the people I loved and always found a way to make sure they knew it, and those who I loved to annoy because, well, it was fun!  Most of all, I want to be remembered for being the one person who threw the occasional thought-provoking concept out there.

Or even memorialized in a Monty Python sketch?

Honestly, there’s no other way for me, and I’m gonna have a blast, even on the bad days when I just wanna sleep and flip the world the bird, because I know I’m being me.  Those of you who choose to join me, you’re in for one wild ride for however long my heart keeps beating.  The second it stops, I’ll be grateful for the moments I had with you all.  That, of course, means this blog will get a LOT funnier and more serious at the same time, so get ready for a roller coaster ride.

Time to live not like I’m dying, but like tomorrow is the end…because you never know.

Responsible and responsibility

It is easy to behave and act in a responsible manner.  That is a society norm.  Paying bills, saving money, living within ones means and contributing to society are extremely simple things.

Taking responsibility is vastly different.  This requires holding yourself accountable for your actions, your reactions and your thoughts.  It requires humility and the ability to swallow pride, and involves the wounding of ones heart, making amends to those whose hearts we wound even if we were not wrong to do so, and accepting that even when we feel like we’ve done all we should to win, we lose.  It is about learning that life usually doesn’t give us what we want and that the bad guys often win, and that love is something only a select few are given in the right place and time.  It also means accepting the fact that, in many cases, no one will ever apologize to their actions upon you but, for your own sake, apologizing for your misdeeds is a liberating feeling.

Taking responsibility means all this because it means looking yourself in the mirror and saying “I’m me, and nobody else, and I accept it.”

Job hunting after 40:  a tip, or three

A few weeks ago I joined the ranks the ranks of the unemployment by choice.  I will not reveal details except to say that I realized I simply was not a good fit at my last employer and decided to cut my losses.  Since then I have been looking for  work and for the first time, I’m running up against roadblock after roadblock looking for work. 

It is a daunting, demoralizing experience for someone in their forties to be able to find work in a super competitive environment, and more so when the degree you have am been seeking for so long feels further and further from your reach due to poor decision in budgeting and financial aid limitations.  Sadly, today’s hiring environments often demand Bachelors degrees at a minimum for jobs which really don’t even require such an education.  A human resources expert I know told me part of the reason for this has little to do with whittling down the applicant pool (though it is part of the reason) but instead demands of employers to appear more educated to investors.  Essentially, a psychological shell game.  So what can a job applicant do when they have exhausted or are exhausting all the “glossy magazine” advice foisted by websites?  Well, here are some things I’ve learned which might actually help:
Count on “happy accidents”:  This is not a think positive” platitude because, frankly, those make to me want to throat punch the bearer.  I’m referring more to the attitude counting on blind luck to help you out.  It sounds weird, but I’ve learned that when you surrender to fate and literally rely on blind luck, you tend to get lucky.  That happy accident could be as simply as striking up a conversation with a person you discover is an executive and, whammo, they want to talk to you about a job.  Don’t laugh, it does happen.

Wear your work clothes daily.  This may sound ridiculous but I actually feel more successful when I wear my only suit.  I feel more professional, more determined, and less willing to accept excuses.  More important, I am more discriminating in my job preferences.  If you know what you want, wear those clothes.  Believe it or not, this is the essence of “fake it til you make it.”

Work for yourself.   If you know you have marketable skills, consider websites which connect providers with customers. In my case, I perform writing jobs on Fiverr and, while its not a lot of money, it affords me gas money and a daily cup of coffee for wifi use.  I also do freelance writing work on other websites and will be adding my services to my personal website.  Take every customer as a networking opportunity.

Forgive yourself.  This sounds like a coffee table psychology book pop cure, but for job seekers this is an essential thing, especially if you are denied unemployment and are relying on others for help.  It’s easy to get stuck in a downward spiral or self destruction, and our current political climate with the “electronic courage” of social media encourages mean spirited statements masked in the guise of “brutal honesty.”  Forgive yourself for being unemployed, especially if you doing everything you can to help yourself and find work.  On a semi humorous note, most people who rip others to shreds online are either themselves unemployed or being closed watched on their own performance. 

And finally:

Never sell yourself short.  Yes, be realistic about the job you want, but don’t think you deserve less that what you want.  Also, bear in mind that what you want and what’s right for you are often vastly different.  Not every baseball player can pitch, but every player wanted to be a pitcher at one time.  It’s all in what works best for you.

In the end, you really do control your fate, even if it doesn’t feel like it.  Either go out and find the right job, create your own job, or do both.  It can be tough and draining and downright depressing, but everything does come together in the fullness of time.