Nothing in this world can beat the feeling of Americans figuring out ways to look like complete and total jackasses on the world stage. The U.S. men’s swim team, led by Ryan Lochte, winner of the 100 meter freestyle douchebag, is now in serious hot water with Brazilian authorities for exposing the corrupt practices of gas station restroom vending machines. The question on everyone’s mind should be whether Brazilian authorities make Lochte and others involved, as part of their punishment, swim in testicle-eating fish infested waters.
According to an article published in the (London) Daily Mail, a fish named the Pacu (species: Sarcastus Nuttus Chompum) has appeared to have made its way to northern European waters. The reason it is being called a “testicle eater” is apparently the result of an off-the-cuff statement made by to CNN (Motto: “We left our nuts at the office.”) by Dr. Peter Rask Moller of the University of Copenhagen in Denmark in which he references men keeping their “pants on” in the cold Baltic waters. Unfortunately, in a case of fish-bites-man-near-Iceland-Phallic-Museum, Dr. Daniel Merrifield at UK’s Plymouth University, in a statement to the Daily Mail, suggested that the fish may have, indeed, developed an unintended taste (rim shot) for the human equivalent of Rocky Mountain Oysters.
“Until the discovery of the pacu in Denmark,” says Merrifield, “we didn’t realise that the fish had such a wide range of environmental tolerances, in terms of salinity or temperature. And whilst this ability is not unique to the pacu, and it is not an apex predator, there are several reports of men having their testicles bitten by these fish…”
Merrifield points out the Pacu is likely not actually carnivorous but, rather, mistaking the male reproductive region for its preferred food; Brazil nuts and seeds of similar size, proving that, at least in the undersea world, size matters. What makes the Pacu all the move eerie is their human-like teeth, which are apparently designed to be able to crush and consume the nutty delicacies it prefers (the actual nuts, not the – never mind, this will never sound right!). Since the Pacu is now being spotted in colder climates, the question now becomes clear – how does this relate to the U.S. Olympic Swimming Team.
Brazilian authorities are insisting the men’s team quartet, which played whack-a-mole with a restroom in Rio de Janiero, must be extradited back to Brazil to face trial. According to Lochte, the video camera is missing several minutes of tape in which expletives were deleted, the Democratic Party’s plans to defeat Nixon were revealed, and the Roswell incident was captured. Naturally, Brazilian officials are denying the fact that the games themselves cost over 10 billion dollars, and are instead reminding people the Pacu is not a Brazilian fish. All this can mean only one thing – the American government must try the men on our soil, but their punishment must fit the crime.
JUDGE: You have been found guilty of being complete douchebags, making America look stupid on a world stage, and crimes against human intelligence. The penalty is life imprisonment watching reruns of “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”
ATTORNEY: Can’t we rather just let them swim the nut-biting fishes instead?
JUDGE (pondering): That’s too easy! Life watching the Kardashians it is, and weekend furloughs with Kanye West and Ben Affleck as Batman!
SWIMMERS (in unison): We’re DOOOOOOMEED!
This would all have been avoided if the U.S. Swim Team had chosen to act like pro football players and actually patronized a known strip bar, rather than be cheapskates and go to a discount club. After all, it’s those discount clubs which don’t include the basic amenities, like roadside prostitution. Hey, don’t look at me like that – it is Brazil, after all!