The Olympic Games in Rio de Janiero are in full swing, and already important questions are being asked, such as “why do men have to wear t-shirts and women wear bikinis in beach volleyball?” These critical, life altering, world changing questions are nothing compared to the most pressing issue our of time at this moment – yes, more important than what politicians in a certain south Georgia town whose name shall not be mentioned are doing to shift blame from one thing to another.
I am referring to the fact that Adele may be performing the Super Bowl halftime show in 2017. Oh crap, I said “Super Bowl,” which means I should expect a royalty bill from the NFL within, oh, five nanoseconds.
Why is this important? For starters, Adele is a major superstar; yes, even more so that the chicks who fight over the midget groom (he let me call him a “midget,” seriously!) on Jerry Springer. This means we will likely hear all sorts of Adele songs before the big game as a warm up to the game itself. I’m expecting to hear Hello played at least 900 times before the first week of the regular season, though Water Under the Bridge would be a good song for many teams to play after week on. Send Your Love is a great song for ex coaches facing their own teams – or for St. Louis to send to Los Angeles. There’s plenty of other songs to reference, but one cease and desist letter is bad enough – I don’t need to pile on. That’s right, NFL – bring it!
That out of the way, there are some amusing alternatives for the halftime show which should be considered, including:
Weird Al Yankovic: “Dare to be Stupid,” “Eat It,” and “Smells Like Nirvana” would be classics to hear played at the halftime show, though he would likely cook up a parody of Taylor Swift’s dating life. Come on, you have to admit that would be way funnier than a parody about Haribo Sugar Free Gummi Bears.
Motley Crue: Their music has been featured in Star Trek, so why not have the group who comedian Denis Leary once said could be in a room with ten tons of cocaine and never overdose in a stadium filled with executives whose nasal stimulant preferences are likely interesting?
Gary Johnson: Okay, he’s a politician from a third party, but how juicy would it be to hear a speech about whoever wins in November. Who knows, maybe HE will be the winner!
Snoop Dogg/Lion/Ferret/Whatever the hell he is: Put Katy Perry next to him in a tight swimsuit and let the fun begin.
Orlando Bloom: let him do a strip tease for the women. Hell, Janet Jackson had the wardrobe malfunction, so why not the “equipment reveal?” It would also be a great way to for the NFL to thank the ladies and give men a chance to get a beer and have an excuse.
Betty White: Hey, if nothing else it’d be funny as hell!
Well, that’s my suggestions for the halftime show. I’d offer up Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, the Walker County, Georgia government, or members for the Board of Commissioners of Sumter County, Georgia, but the league is looking for competent entertainers, not the Gong Show.