There has been a great deal of consternation in the world recently, such as the use of words such as “consternation” in sentences. As many of you go about your daily business, such as attempting to not walk across the sets of weather anchors who playing Pokemon GO, there is an issue which must be addressed immediately and with all deliberate force – political openness and how it relates to the pending rise of the sex robots.
A recent spy report about the Board of County Commissioners of Sumter County, Georgia (Species: E Pluribus Corruptus Govermentum Confusum), indicates the Board of County Commissioners, when cornered about a lack of openness, rose to the occasion and recently posted a collection of minutes of the commission dating back to around 2015, or the Jurassic Era, but definitely one of the two. These minutes are still being analyzed by scholars and scientists for evidence of potential foolishness but, considering these are the same researchers who recently determined dinosaurs may have actually cooed and hummed instead of roared, a finding will likely be published around the same time the City of Cleveland wins its next pro sports championship.
In a semi-related story, Democratic heartthrob and super-icon Bernie “Feel the Sellout” Sanders openly endorsed Hillary Clinton to be the nominee for the Democratic Party. Note, this was a statement of his endorsement of “nominee” but not for what. As of this moment, this is what we do know – Hillary is courting many groups to her cause, including the Suicide Squad and Deadpool, but has been unsuccessful. It is widely believe that bringing Sanders to the cause will unify the Democratic Party for approximately three days, and it’s been almost that long so, splintering and fracturing should occur any day now. That being said, President Obama is expected to make a sweeping policy statement sometime later this week, but the inside line is that the statement will digress into something completely unrelated and activist in nature, such as lobbying for equal rights for sewer bacteria.’
All of this pales in comparison to the recent news that scientists have confirmed that, by 2025, sex robots will be available to keep women satisfied. One can only assume that these particular “Products” will not be available at your local adult bookstore, though I could imagine the sort of options offered under “Preferences.” Our best scenario is that possibility that these robots will be programmed by our friends from Iceland, who seem to have cornered the market on research in the field of the male apparatus. Rumored settings include “delicate,” “permanent press,” “Chris Hemsworth,” and “Christian Grey.” No word if optional features or “add ons” will be available. As for safety features, manufacturers are reportedly applying for a trademark waiver of the recent advisory of “Don’t Poke and Drive.”
Writers Note: Until it is no longer deemed funny, Icelandic phallic jokes will continue to made from time to time. This means that it will be likely be funny until 2026, when the warranties for the sex robots expire.