We are just past the halfway point for the year, and life just gets more and more interesting. Not only did Sumter County, Georgia see America’s first-ever successful use of a “prevent” defense to win an election, but the nation was rocked by a little known Supreme Court ruling which essentially stated Taylor Swift can, indeed, date British actors and we can’t do jack about it (next breakup song will likely feature references to “Spotted Dick.”). As always, I am here to offer my insights and half hearted predictions for the remainder of the year. These are strictly for entertainment and lobotomizing purposes only.
– Great Britain agrees to return to the Euro only after the nations of Europe agree to rename themselves “Westeros.”
– Tampa and Miami declare war on each other over who is the rightful heir to the title of Cuban sandwich capital. Miami surrenders when it realizes that few people there actually KNOW what a Cuban sandwich is MADE from.
– An earthquake devastates the Botox clinic where Kim Kardashian goes. Strangely, no other businesses or structures for a million miles in any direction report damage. Kanye West denies involvement and says Mother Nature hates him.
– Hillary Clinton, having secured the nomination for speaker for all people everywhere, is denied the Democratic nomination when party “superdelegates” are sent gift baskets from an “anonymous benefactor” with lifetime supply coupons from Ben and Jerrys.
– Cleveland is a raucous scene when the NBA grants the Cavaliers “all time champion rights” for three years. Also, the GOP convention takes places there too, supposedly.
– conspiracy theorists around the world are thrown into a quandary when not only is the existence of “Planet X” confirmed, but NASA admits it contains high quantities of PU-234, an element needed for the US Air Forces trillion dollar project, the Explosive Space Modulator.
– In a grand act of defiance, the People’s Republic of China will declare pizza to be Chinese food along with a wonton soup embargo. This will send Lethal Weapon reboot futures plummeting.
– Some nation will announce it has developed nuclear weapons but nobody will care because their national defense system will consist of irate aviaries being flung using a rubber band slingshot. Pork futures will break and tumble on the news.