The SCOTUS ruling about President Obama’s immigration executive order decision direction Jade Helm Alpha Omega Slimer 3 is not really a ruling at all. It was a tie vote, which left Americans everywhere with that feeling Georgia Bulldog fans have in the pit of their stomachs when they see their team take to the field each year in Jacksonville (oh stop your whining! You know the Gators got your number til Vince Dooley retires and breaks the Donald Trump-Herschel Walker curse). That being said, it’s time to talk about several random news items which make no sense when talked about separately, and make even less sense when they are brought together. Of course, in my bipolar mind, that only means one thing – the average human brain will be reduced to the consistency of an Eggo waffle by the time it’s done processing this work.
Yep, I’m back, bitches! And away we go:
- President Barack Obama, during a news conference following the SCOTUS tie vote, announces he has begun a new system in which Congressional Representatives can toss yellow flags into the press room to challenge his orders. He then states those flags must be called “maize” to avoid offending the Pro-Yellow-Crayon Lobby.
- Christian Evangelist Jerry Falwell Jr., in a stunning moment of candor, is seen admitting that he once dated a woman who knew someone who knew a Playboy model, and thus God forgave him for some sort of sin, though nobody really knows what.
- Ivan Reitman announced he is working on a concept for a new animated series based on the upcoming Ghostbusters reboot. How they plan to incorporate good animation remains to be seen.
- The University of Texas, following the SCOTUS ruling in favor of their Affirmative Action practices, announced they are eliminating all beef products at every game, citing a need to become more “Chicken and Pork Inclusive.”
- Las Vegas made a stunning announcement yesterday, declaring June 22 of each year “National Gambling Abstinence Day.” Following that announcement and several minutes of unbridled laughter by local residents, the NHL awarded the city a hockey franchise, and everyone shrugged.
- Gladys Knight’s Chicken and Waffles, an Atlanta culinary institution on Peachtree Street, was shuttered when state revenue agents, conducting a raid, realized the food was actually decent and began combing the restaurant for the recipe book, which was reportedly spirited away, along with $650,000 in illegally kept sales taxes, but nobody really cares about that. The chicken is the thing.
- Sumter County’s Sheriff’s race ended with incumbent Pete Smith defeating challenger Phillip Daniels. Everyone gathered at the local Walmart afterwards and shared a cold Yoo-Hoo, except for community-minded voters, who actually had jobs to go to.
- Reporters were given a sneak peak at the Atlanta’s MercedesBenzPorscheBankofAmericaWhileCanWeBribeThisWeek Stadium and Theme Park, and discovered the horrifying reality that a pro football stadium’s roof, when it opens, resembles a rose. Chants of “flower power” could be heard coming from visiting Tampa Bay fans.
Told ya I was back.
Just an FYI, I will be orienting this blog towards both humor and mental health awareness. Yes, it’s an odd combination, but I do believe it’s the best use of my talents. My best to you all!