Tropical Storm Colin roared through Florida this week with maximum sustained winds of approximately 50 miles per hour (or 900 Klingon “uys.” Don’t judge me!), destroying and uprooting mailboxes, palm trees, and several fish tanks before finally puttering out into the Atlantic. Of course, news stations across t
he Sunshine State and parts of south Georgia went into full storm alert mode, with wall-to-wall “Coverage” including in-depth analysis ever hour, on the hour, for as long as the storm will…wait, what? It’s gone already! Dammit!
The storm, which began in the Gulf of Mexico as an errant breeze, managed to wander along the valley of the shadow of death (East Tampa – seriously!), until finally realizing, in a moment of stunning clarity completely uncharacteristic for anything associated with Florida, it could organize itself! The Occupy Movement was unavailable for comment at that time. Moments later, this particular breeze grew into a tropical “wave,” which managed to distract the Atlanta Braves long enough lose a few more games, then into a tropical depression, but quickly snapped out of that after an timely run-in with a powerful blast of energy from a satellite transmitting the Hallmark Movie Channel. This energy, combined with the toxic sludge on the Gulf of Mexico from several oil spills to be named later, caused this weather system to transform into the mighty Tropical Storm Colin.
This storm proved to be powerful, indeed. As a mighty storm named after a male, this particular system moved with the utmost swiftness and confidence towards the denizens of evil in Florida. We are pleased to report that riptides went…..AHHHHH!!!! Sorry, folks! This is what happens when you outsource a humor post to North Korea. That, and the check bounces! Memo to Kim Jong Un – you owe me a blonde roast from Starbucks now – that covers the face value of the check, and North Korea’s NSF charge.
As for Colin, the storm itself managed to caused some chaotic moments, including one in which all the news stations in Florida were unsure as to whether Colin would actually stay long enough to cause continuous, around the clock coverage to be necessary. As it turned out, Colin caused about $900 worth of damage, mostly to local dollar stores which forgot to bring in pool noodles from sidewalk sales. Colin also caused parts of South Georgia to go into full storm reaction mode, meaning that city councils in many communities actually had to do real work such as planning for flooding and fire protection instead of complaining about who caused what business to close this week. It also meant that many televisions tuned off Game of Thrones for exactly ten seconds, a new world record.
Colin taught us all a great lesson, and that’s that you can never been too prepared for a tropical weather system. I am pleased to report that Florida merchants remain well stocked with hurricane essentials; you know, beer, wine, grills, hot dogs. Plywood is also in plentiful supply, mostly because most “real” Floridians never took down their boards from 2004. A special “recovery” fund has been established for Colin survivors. Just stop by your local supermarket, buy several dozen beers, and drink them all! Or you can send a random Florida resident a prescription for Xanax. Trust me, it’ll be appreciated.