The recent success of Captain America: Civil War had got me to thinking (Homeland Security has been advised of this, by the way) about some everyday “superhero” type characters nobody would bother to create. Granted, this sort of idea was attempted with the ill-fated 1990s movie adaptation of the comic book “Mystery Men,” in which the awesome William H. Macy, as The Shoveler, was simply awesome. Also, Ben Stiller played a really pissed off dude, but that’s besides point. Before the post devolves into a complete Sumter County vs. Walker County shootout over whose Board of County Commissioners are the bigger crooks (you think I’d miss that dig?), let’s jump headlong into the world of comic book superheroes who aren’t even really “the other guys,” but the “other other other other guys,” the Rand Pauls and Liz Warrens of the superhero world, if you get my drift. So, in that spirit, let’s call them the “Practice Squad.”
Passive-Aggressive Man: His powers come from common element Assholium which, in high concentrations, alters the state of ordinary people into becoming really annoying ordinary people with major league anger issues. Those powers include the ability to engage in monologues in which he plans to destroy his enemies, but really doesn’t want to because he cares too much, and the rare superpower of being able to walk away angry and grumbling and not caring, only to come back and attack with everything he’s got. What really pisses him off is the fact his name actually acronyms to “PAM,” and he happens to have a sidekick named Jim, which of course results in his archenemies cracking myriad “Office” jokes at his expense. His weakness is being anywhere near Scranton, Pennsylvania.
Miss Anti-Relationship: Her powers are derived from the elements Bichslapium and Assholium both being present in her blood which, when combined in the heat of battle, alters her personality such that she begins to scream and rant and rave and pull hair and scratch and claw, and that’s not even in the playful, wild romp in the bedroom sort of way. No, Miss Anti-Relationship’s superhero mission is to save all women from the destructive power of male dominance in a relationship. Oddly enough, she has designs on Passive-Aggressive Man, who really doesn’t want a relationship with her but still is affectionate and caring because, seriously, who the hell else is gonna do it? Her weakness is Chris Hemsworth. That’s it.
Whogivesafuq: This hero’s superpower is actually rare – he has the ability to simply not care about anything at will. A speeding train carrying the entire population of, say, Lafayette, Georgia could fall off a cliff into a ball of fire and he would look down, shrug his shoulders, and simply say “oh well.” This superpower is derived from the element Dooshbagium, which occurs in small quantities but, when introduced to neurotransmitters, has the ability to cause a complete shutdown. Most humans actually go into fatal emotional paralysis from this, but Whogivesafuq, thanks to his highly evolved sense of nihilism, could give a crap less about that too. He can usually be found skulking around bars and taverns, trying to act interested when he really isn’t. His lone weakness is when he gets interested in something, his powers of indifference evaporate instantly.
The Swinger: Do not confuse this superhero with “Swinger,” whose sole superpower is getting a piece of action whenever he wants. The Swinger (he’s very sensitive about this) holds the superpower of being able to hit a softball on target at will, smacking dogs, cats, children, windows, security systems, even nuclear warhead activation suitcases. He’s just that good! His superpowers come from the rare element homerunium, which instills a highly competitive spirits and an unrelenting desire to relive his glory days playing intramural softball in college. He reserves his powers to fighting crimes such as bad calls in baseball games, where he uses his ability to knock out the umps with a single ball to the head. His main weakness is the fact he can’t stand a blown call.
Bustierra: This superheroine almost always works in tandem with other superheroes because of her power of distraction. Her base element is actually common: silicone (rim shot). She also possessed the highly rare element slutygen, which endows her with the ability to woo both male and female enemies with her “weapons,” if you get our drift. Her powers of distraction work best with The Swinger, who uses his balls and bat (this particular character description is getting very Freudian now) to subdue adversaries. Her lone weakness is homeopathic remedies.
And the final member of the Practice Squad:
Fangirl: This superheroine generally tags along with Passive-Aggressive Man and “Jim” but can operate quite well on her own in the presence of celebrities. Her superpower is fawning over villains and wildcards she admires to put them into a false sense of security, then knocking them down off the pedestal she placed them upon with wreckless abandon. The element she derives her powers from, crazium, is common in most people but Fangirl has managed to synthesize high quantities within her blood because of her propensity to down energy drinks in rapid succession. Her lone weakness is Mark Hamill voicing any incarnation of the Joker. Her archenemy is any Harley Quinn fan.
With their powers combined, they create the most dangerous weapon ever devised by a group of people who really have too much time on their hands: the Death Meme! So there you have it, the Practice Squad is coming to a city, suburb, unincorporated area, or Sheriff’s race near you. Check your local polls for times, channels, and latest rumor.