The Presidential election nominees are appearing to be clearer and clearer by the day, with Bernie Sanders (#FeeltheBernanywayyoucan) and Hillary Clinton (#HillBilly2016) down to the wire on the Democratic side, and Donald Trump (#FUImTrump) appearing to have locked down the Republican Party nomination by virtue of having turned everyone human being on earth, including Ted Cruz, against Ted Cruz. Outsider John Kasich also conceded, the result of a bizarre particle acceleration phenomenon where Kasich finally, after three weeks of being mathematically eliminated realized (spoiler alert) he was mathematically eliminated. These events, however, pale in comparison to one of the most hotly contested races in all of America.
I am referring, of course, to the showdown in my college town of Americus, Georgia, where the Sumter County Sheriff’s Election is in its finally, bloody, one-tin-soldier-rides-away week of campaigning. The judgment day cometh, and it appears that nothing sort of a “May Surprise,” such as a giant space dragon eating the sun or some really lousy Dining Hall food at Georgia Southwestern State University, will make the outcome predictable.
The reason this particular election is considered crucial to this neck of the Peach State is that Americus holds the dubious distinction of having the one of the highest rates of violent crime among small towns in not just Georgia, but America in general. Fingers have been pointing everywhere, from the Sheriff’s Office, to the City Police, to the City Council, to the Board of County Commissioners, to Professor X’s Office, and even the local Krystal until everyone realized the only crime that joint was guilty of was putting a trillion tons of onions on all its burgers – which could be Homeland Security threat when you consider the chemical output. Still, the crime wave which has gripped this college town (yes, I said it, it’s a – GASP, don’t tell the County Commission – college town) has residents wondering if Americus can save itself.
The better question appears to be, can voters stop arguing with each other over who is the better candidate for Sheriff long enough to actually vote? Practically speaking, Pete Smith and Philip Daniel are both professionals. Smith, the incumbent, has been portrayed by his supporters as kind, compassionate, no-nonsense and willing to get the job done but needing to stop being stonewalled and sandbagged by longtime power brokers. His opponents argue he is nepotistic, crooked and about a half quart low, and that doesn’t count the cruisers some say are out of date. Daniel, by comparison, is portrayed by his supporters as a breath of fresh air, tough on crime, objective, energetic, and new blood. His opponents paint him as a patsy for power brokers in town, completely unsuitable for the job, and loose cannon. The wild part: they are both, in theory, Republicans. Somehow I think the Democratic Party took one look at this race, stepped back slowly, and said to themselves “oh hell no!”
Naturally, one would want to compare this election to other elections around the state or country, but can you really compare this one? It stands on its merits in so many good ways, and just about all the wrong ways. Worse still, reliable sources (some, miraculously, still relatively sane after this election cycle) state this particular election has split the city in half, with the fault lines fracturing friendships, families and even the occasional custody battle over pets. Wait a second, this does sound a lot like the Presidential election. Forget this paragraph, seriously.
So that brings up a great idea – let’s say for a moment that the three presidential contenders were actually running for the Sumter County Sheriff’s Office position and that Pete Smith and Philip Daniel didn’t even exist. Here’s a breakdown of their likely campaign platform.
Bernie Sanders: Legalize everything. Make all services free, make college free, and tax the crap out of anyone buying pot or not getting government assistance. By the way, don’t forget, feel the Bern!
Hillary Clinton: She will provide solid leadership, strategic thinking, and truly visionary approaches to law enforcement. Of course, that means she doesn’t have to be put under oath about anything happening in her life since 1992, and that especially includes that incident with throwing a lamp at her hubby after that tart Monica smoked a “cigar” in the Oval Office, if you get our drift. Also, there’s this little pesky thing called Benghazi we’d like to forget.
Donald Trump: He will make Americus Great Again! How will he do this? He will build a wall around all the bad parts of town, kick out anyone who causes trouble, and shout down anyone who disagrees with him. He’ll also fire the County Commission, the entire Administration of Georgia Southwestern, and most of the State Government. But he’s a great American, and will put his nose to the grindstone and help put Americus back on the map and make it great again.
Yes, folks, you have seen how much worse it can really get! Commence heavy competitive drinking!