As we are entering the trailing end of the presidential primaries, appears time to take a critical look at the major candidates platforms, including all supposed rumors, speculation and insider cigar insertion knowledge. Enjoy!
Hillary Rodham Katniss Everdeen Clinton, daughter of Joffrey Rodham, first of his name, protector of the realm: Mrs. Clinton, styling herself as the first President able to have a “First Man,” stands for what all red blooded American women stand for. Namely, the ability to wear brightly colored pantsuits which look like something off a futuristic totalitarian runway, but maybe that’s just me. Clinton, the Democratic Party’s heir apparent to President Barack Obama, was dominating the party agenda until Debbie Wasserman Charles Schulz forgot the party’s name was Democratic, which led to Clinton’s time tested strategy of no discernible platform biting her when, from the primordial ooze of the Green Mountain State, the Wonder Twin powers activated and begot that which is…
Bernie Sanders. Sanders, an independent commie pinko tree hugging Socialist from Vermont (French for “Cherry Garcia”), is campaigning on the populist platform of Free Ben & Jerry’s pints for all. His other platform planks include a new car, free health care for raccoons, giving everyone a shot at winning American Idol, and the promise of using green energy to destroy our enemies by inflicting bouts of terminal laughter. His campaign slogan, “Feel the Bern,” would be even catchier with the trendy hashtag, because then it doesn’t sound so absolutely creepy. Naturally, this leads up to that All-American candidate who is as American as baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and xenophobic bigotry….
Donald Trump. I have devoted copious (Latin for “Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough”) amounts of space on this blog to the veneration of Dear Leader Eternal Light Force and Ultimate Master of Coin. The New York (state motto “Lemme tell ya sumthin, pal!”) candidate, in his immense glory and dedication to the great cause has been an inspiration to…oh, that lawsuit was NOT aimed at me? Okay then, read carefully: Donald Trump is a dangerous, megalomaniacal egotist with hair appearing to be the byproduct of crossbreeding a Lhasa Apse with a deranged, rabid ferret. Any lawyers skulking around? No, then let us digress to the Lone Star State and its Exhaulted Immigrated Chumminess….
Ted Cruz. His Canadianess and Texas Pride, Senator Cruz is in favor of everything Trump is against, unless the Democrats are for it, in which case he is against it. Also, he looks like a young version of Grandpa Munster, which means he needs to, should he win the nomination, offer the Veep card to Paul Ryan, so we can have the 50s throwback horror comedy ticket, the Munster Party. Oh, and he wants to kill the terrorists and believes in God, which are critical qualifications for anyone who wants to be elected Mayor in Hazleton, Pennsylvania. Alas, this is the election for President of the United States, and since Florida is, technically, still part of America (Pasco County still waiting to receive word on probationary readmission) and, sadly, planet Earth, we much recognize that who needs recognition on the basis that he is not well recognized outside of Miami-Dade County and Fox News….
Marco Rubio. Where the Dems have “Feel the Bern,” the GOP has “Marco the Island.” No, that is not a play on words reference to the uber-rich section of southwest Florida, but instead noting the fact that Marco Rubio is, indeed, a man alone on an island. He’s having the worst turnout and poll results at this moment of any Florida candidate this side of Jeb Bush, and Bush at least at the decency to recognize his own delusion and drop out. Rubio, however, is committed to a party ideology which includes flip-flopping on immigration reform, taxes, and the ability to build high-dollar stadiums for lousy baseball teams and flip the check to the taxpayers. Rubio, however, is proving that he indeed is the eternal optimist, hanging in there despite the fact that, if he went up against a trained seal from Tallahassee who promised to end all entitlements and boot the poor to an island and nuke it, the seal would win.
We can only hope that America chooses a reliable, dependable, and empathetic candidate for the Oval Office. Unfortunately, this crop makes me want to vote for any corrupt politician from any small town along the eastern seaboard instead of the current nominees because, come on, if you can’t trust a sleazy weasel from a small town to be a sleazy weasel with billions of dollars in federal largess at their disposal, who can you trust?