What if North Korea handled Trump’s press releases?

We now return to our regularly schedule humor, already in progress.

Republican presidential candidate Trump gestures and declares "You're fired!" at a rally in Manchester
You know he’s about to drop an F bomb…you just KNOW it!

Everyone knows that Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are now the presumed “Final Two” on the GOP end of the 2016 Presidential Campaign.  The New York billionaire and hairpiece extraordinaire has made verbal gaffe after verbal gaffe, and has inspired his followers to such a fervor that acts of violence appears to be committed in his name.  Still, it could be worse.

I have taken the liberty of posing the craziest “what if” scenario possible – what if the Trump campaign contracted the writing of their press releases to the Korea Central News Agency, the government press apparatus of North Korean leader Kim Jong Un (North Korean for “Fatboy Slim” – you better Praise Him Like You Do!).  With that in mind, and having read many of the North Korea government’s press releases, I believe I can now approximate a press release using “North Korean-style” journalistic and public relations techniques.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

March 30, 2016

HIS EXCELLENCY AND MOST EXHAUSTED AMERICAN HONORARY PATRIOT DONALD TRUMP DEMONSTRATES EXTRAORDINARY POWERS AGAINST ENEMIES

NEW YORK – Americans should take heed that their most powerful option for lasting peace through ultimate truth and attractiveness has begun to attack his enemies in a manner which will leave them listless and begging for extinguishing of their souls.  Eternal Eminence and Creator of True Wealth Donald Trump emerged to greet his followers today at a rally in New York.

According to Mr. Trump’s campaign, the Creator of True Wealth is sound in his beliefs, and is assured that his positions are based in both truth and the highest divine mandates.  Mr. Trump himself is reported to be in excellent health, superior strength, and agility akin to the most graceful animals who can run like the majestic gazelle.  Mr. Trump’s hair is reported to be in docile spirits and obeying his every command, as any legitimate appendage should to its master.

There are few experiences more exhilarating than witnessing the raw magnetism and power of Mr. Trump in action at his campaign rallies.  His supporters are devoted followers of our charismatic leader, whose victory is assured despite the vicious attacks by his enemies.  These individuals shall be dealt with in an appropriate, decisive, and most unpleasant manner once His Eminence has been elected as the President.  Mr. Trump has expressed a confidence in his campaign, his followers and the people of the nation that they shall recognize his greatness, his eminent manhood, and his charismatic charm, which has proven to be both divinely granted and inspired.

His Eminence assures us that he is a man of peace, and will work diligently to rid America of unbelievers, traitors, and undesirables.  His raw power is such that a simple look into his eyes will convince wrongdoers to cure the errors of their ways, traitors to end their own lives, and unbelievers to look to the heavens for the necessary inspiration to follow Mr. Trump to the vision he has bared for the nation.

Mr. Trump will continue his campaign up until the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio, where it is expected he will be easily named the nominee by unanimous vote.  Should that not happen, he is prepared to deploy all available options, including the decimated of his enemies and the entire City of Cleveland, though to decimate the city would be profound waste of ammunition.

We wish His Excellency an expedient nomination and election so we may begin the process of securing peace and harmony through appropriate application of diplomacy and force, as well the use of his mighty hair to cow opponents into submission.

Bonus points to anyone who got that Fatboy Slim reference, by the way.

A genuine concern over this upcoming election

Political rants are something i avoid like the plague because they rarely ever solve anything.  This time, however, i feel a need to make like the mythical Cassandra and cry a warning to my fellow Americans about things which concern me.  Many I know will claim I am a fool for saying this, while others will wonder why i care or bother.  This is not done out of a desire for attention, but a call to serve in the best way i know how, by reading the writing on the wall of the world.

What I write here is merely what I sense, and what I sense is our nation is at a tipping point.  This election is the climax, the nexus, of that.  Who we choose from the choices offered will decide our nation’s fate.  If we choose wisely, history will judge our nation as visionary.  If we choose poorly, there will be little of a nation left for history to judge at all.

This is not to sound alarmist.  We are a nation im desperate need of healing.  We have grown angry because of our refusal to acknowledge our errors, and because many of us want to use those errors to become enriched in an ill-gotten manner.  What is done, is done.  Undoing the past is impossible, all we can do is learn from it.  Yes, our past is one of conquest and bondage, wars of ethnic and economic superiority, and we continue to fight those wars today, only under the guise of religion and political ideology.  We are so focused on defense we allow ourselves to become the aggressor.  “Kill them before they kill us.”  That is the mantra of justification.

I’m no peacenik.  I understand war is necessary.  I also understand there will be another war, and this time the biggest war ever.  The “War on Terror” is a mirage, a well-intended action which morphed into a distraction.  If our leaders had the will to end terrorism, we would have seen little more than sporadic incidents.  The next major war we fight will likely be decided on our shores, and no longer will our men and women go off to die in a foreign land.  They will be asked to die here.  The concern is simple.

Our next President will decide if our nation lives or dies.  If that person finishes the war, we live.  However, if that person starts the war, we don’t.  Americas destiny is not aggression,  no matter how much of it she committed in the past.  Her destiny is healing and renewal.  Whether we allow her to meet that destiny depends on if we choose from two sides of an angry coin, or step aside and choose neither.   Yes, it can be done.

When i know more on that, you’ll  know.

Busting some myths about retail workers

It’s very easy to pick on retail employees for being lazy, slack and uncaring.  There are however, some myths which need busting.

Retail employees are mostly lazy slackers.  The reverse is actually true.  Many retail workers are in need of flexibility for school and other jobs and want to work hard.  The average age of retail workers is rising steadily as the service economy continues to shrink.  The reality is many people in office jobs or so-called “professional” careers simply couldn’t survive in retail.

Related: Journalist turns into retail associate

Retail employees can’t make it in other jobs.  Absolutely wrong and the worst sort of career prejudice there is.  Sadly, this prejudice  premeates hiring centers now, with many HR professionals sneering at retail associates looking for something else.  Many HR hiring managers admit they dont like hiring retail workers because they are considered either unreliable or unprofessional.  Many hiring managers even set their boolean searches to filter out applicants with retail backgrounds.  Sadly, many retail workers work harder because they are grateful to get a shot.  This is a glaring example of lazy HR hiring practices which hamstring good companies with poor hires.

Those surveys and email addresses sometimes decide an employee’s job.  Many employers are so married to emails and surveys that when numbers aren’t met, employees are written up and managers get fired for not meeting targets.  What is voluntary for customers can decide an employee’s fate that day.

One customer comment can’t do that much damage .  Personal story:  when i worked at Kinkos in 1997, I was up for a promotion.   A customer came in one night wanting me to demonstrate how to work a self service computer from start to finish, basically free tutoring.  I politely explained it was self service.  She filled out a comment card telling my manager “You need to get rid of John!”  My then district manager told me he could not promote someone who gets negative feedback.  It was my ONLY bad comment in 2 years.  So yes, those comments carry weight.

Retail managers wont give out hours so they can get a bonus. This is a myth because no retail manager who has the hours to spare hoards them.  Theyd rather spend the hours and enjoy some personal time.  Higher ups demand hour reductions and they have to follow the chain of command.  Besides, bonuses are not tied that way.

Retail associates dont care about you. Thats total crap.  Most retail workers genuinely like people and working with the public.  The problem is the fact that many customers with snotty attitudes wreck it for everyone else.  If you treat the person ringing up your stuff like crap or toss your purchase at them, expect a sour response.

Retail is a career for losers. Believe it or not, retail careers are often fast advancement with decent pay, but the hours grind.  Most retail managers work 14 hours a day, 6 days a week.  In fact, one “small box” chain is now reportedly forcing managers to work 6 day weeks for several months to offset cost overruns from a poorly planned merger.

Retail management doesnt care about customer service. Total bullshit.  management has to follow marching orders.  Walmart management are often given guidelines for what they can do, expected to do more with less, and sent draconian payroll “Best Practices” intended to pad the bottom line.  District Managers often cannibalize hours for favored  managers, and leave otherwise good people languishing.

Ten nitpicks of “The Office”

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Even the best shows make a few boo-boos.

It’s been several years since the hit NBC series The Office went off the air, but there are still stories circulating about the cast, the crew and some of the backstories behind the show.  Having grown up in Northeast Pennsylvania, where the series was set, I watched The Office faithfully before Steve Carrell left.  After that, I watched it casually as the whole show seemed to have lost a bit of its edge.  Despite the series being solid in so many ways, being a former NEPA resident, I can safely say there are some serious nitpicks I did have with it.  I’m fairly certain some of my Office-faithful friends will want to slap me around for this, but these are worth noting.

  1. It’s not just Scranton.  Though set in the largest overall city in northeast Pennsylvania, Scranton is far from the only major city, but this series made it seem like there was nothing else there.  What The Office referred to as “Scranton” is actually the greater Wilkes-Barre/Scranton/Hazleton area.  Depending on who you talk to, Scranton and Wilkes-Barre get interchanged in order, but Hazleton, approximately 45 minutes south of Scranton, is always last.  Scranton is the county seat for Lackawanna County, while Wilkes-Barre is such for Luzerne County, just to the south.
  2. The show made it seem like New York was just a quick jaunt from Scranton. Hardly!  While New York is about a 2 hour drive “as the crow flies,” this is northeast Pennsylvania, meaning you are going up and down numerous mountains on Interstates 84, 380 and 80, watching for trucks sliding out of control on ice patches in the winter, and dealing with New Jersey suburban traffic which starts about ten milliseconds after the Delaware River (or Water Gap, if you want to be really nitpicky!)
  3. 1394280_15827
    You’ve got a friend in Pennsylvania, but it sure as hell isn’t PennDOT!

    They rarely ever mentioned the bane of every northeast Pennsylvania resident – road construction. Maybe PennDOT (PA’s transportation folks), grew a brain inside that collective bureaucratic cranium, but my memory of northeast Pennsylvania includes potholes large enough to swallow an RV with room for clearance on all four sides!  Orange barrels, lane shifts and closures, and single-file traffic for miles on end are a part of life in NEPA, and that’s year round.

  4. Yes, the show was on NBC, so they couldn’t mention other networks, but WBRE, which is the NBC affiliate shown on The Office, gets its ass slammed in the ratings by ABC affiliate and longtime news superpower WNEP-TV, Channel 16. It’s too bad we didn’t get to at least see a cameo of WNEP weather personality Tom Clark, because NEPA residents would have found that awesome.  WBRE, as far as I know, still doesn’t have a helicopter (that may have changed) – WNEP does, Skycam 16.
  5. Steamtown Mall is made to look like some trendy hipster hotspot. The reality is Steamtown Mall is considered by many to be a “dead mall.”  The shopping mothership in the area, Wyoming Valley Mall in Wilkes-Barre, was almost never mentioned in the series, and is twice the size of Steamtown.  Up the road about 15 minutes is Scranton’s Viewmont Mall, which isn’t much better, but has a better selection. What’s sad is that it took Scranton almost 20 years to get Steamtown built, and it never really reached full capacity.
  6. boscovs
    Were these guys EVER mentioned?

    Was Boscov’s ever mentioned? Come on!  If you’re gonna do a show in a town, reference more than just a grocery store.  Gerrity’s was a great head nod, but I heard nary a word about Boscov’s, or The Bon-Ton, the two upscale department stores in the area!  The scary part is Boscov’s is the primary anchor for Steamtown Mall!  Yeah, I get Macy’s, who longtimers preferred Boscov’s.

  7. Lake Wallenpaupack fail. This nitpicks the staff retreat to nearby Lake Wallenpaupack, the main fishing and rec zone for NEPA residents.  From my experience in the Boy Scouts, you had to jump through about a billion pounds of red tape to get approval to do anything like  that “walking on hot coals” scene Pam Beasley became famous for during the office retreat.  I won’t nitpick the location itself because, knowing my luck, it was filmed on location (I don’t remember Lake Wallenpaupack ever looking that picturesque), but the fact is that the local parks and recs departments, as well as PA State Parks, have very strict rules about fire, and hot coal walks involve serious red tape if you are doing them “above board.”
  8. 985krzcenter1
    Or THESE guys?

    Radio fail. Yes, the “Froggy bumper sticker is cute and a head nod to a local country station, but not once, not once, was WKRZ-FM, one of northeast Pennsylvania’s highest rated and most-listened to radio stations, ever mentioned!  Hell, they could have at least put a bumper sticker or a screen saver for them on a computer!  These guys are part of the culture there!  Hell, not even a head-nod to WILK, the local talk radio station?  That would be like not once referencing the New York Times on Friends.

  9. Was that Avoca Airport that Michael Scott left from? Look, this is a massive nitpick, but I swear that the airport Steve Carrell’s character flew from was not Wilkes-Barre/Scranton International Airport.  For one, Avoca is not, at last check, that neat.  For another, it’s built on top of a mountain, with mountains all around it!  I could be wrong, and it’s be a while since I even visited there, but Avoca didn’t look a thing to me like that place Michael Scott flew off from to be with Holly Flax.  Just saying.
  10. img-7-22-15-negro-mountain
    Rarely saw these either!

    Where the hell are the mountains? Look, I get that a lot of The Office was filmed in Hollywood, but the love of God, at least get the driving scenes right!  When you are outside, you see mountains everywhere!  It’s the freaking Appalachians; you don’t drive someplace and always see blue sky in the rearview.  More often that not, there’s a goddamned mountain!  If there’s one thing I remember from my time in NEPA, it that you have mountains and valleys, and that’s it!

Well, Office fans, feel free to slam me for being a “hater.”  I actually liked the series, despite saying repeatedly “nothing good ever comes from Scranton” prior to watching it, and that includes myself ;).  So, looking forward to some comments.

The Madness of March, Trump, Hillary, and other houses

March Madness is in full swing, and we are fast approaching the “Big Dance” of the “Final Four” which will turn into the “Final Two,” which will turn into some megalomaniac wackjob occupying the White House for the next four years.  Oh, and some basketball tournament is going on in multiple locations causing massive amounts of gambling to occur.  Unconfirmed reports state this is stimulating the world economy through offshore accounts being lined with cash from people taking our fourth mortgages, selling off baby formula, and performing unspeakable acts of….

Did I digress again?  That fast?  Wow, I’m really in full blast mode today.  Anyhow, back to the Presidential campaign.

Republican presidential candidate Trump gestures and declares "You're fired!" at a rally in Manchester
He’s making America great again for taking on-stage, mid performance dumps!

For those of you who haven’t been paying attention, Marco Rubio suspended his campaign for President after being hammered by Supreme Potentate and Leader Donald “I OWN Snoke” Trump.  In classic Trump fashion, he promptly purchased space on Florida Governor Rick Scott’s head and had “Let’s Make America Great Again” tattooed there.  Sorry, he didn’t!  I mean that.  Everything I just said was satirical fabrication intended to make you laugh.  Please, tell Donald to call off the lawyers, goons and “Trump Youth” squads dressed in New York Yankees colors.  Thank you (jerk).

 

Ted Cruz continues his push to keep Trump at bay, winning in key states including Texas, Oklahoma, Vulcan and an isolated corner of Cybertron.  He even managed to win the endorsement of former presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, so we expect Cruz to drop out of the race any second, citing “campaign funding issues.”  Also, John Kasich of Ohio defeated Trump in the Buckeye State, which should have been a clear example of “Home Field Advantage,” except that nobody outside of Ohio knows much about Kasich except that he’s a good speaker who is boring.   In a pivotal show of election gamesmanship, Trump quickly secured the endorsements of Captain America and Ironman.  He then announced he had purchased the State of Ohio, with the exception of greater Cleveland, citing a “potential for unacceptable business losses.”  Kasich continues to campaign against the New York billionaire, despite mathematical models showing the only way we could win would be if an asteroid were to strike a Trump rally with Trump actually there.

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Hillary’s graphic design team must have a very sick sense of humor.

On the Democrat side of things, Hillary Clinton (Maiden and Middle Name for Rent:  Contact Debbie Wasserman-Schultz for details!) continues to score victories in traditionally progressive “blue” states, despite the fact she one of her logos features a blue “H” with a red arrow pointing right (seriously)!  This, however, left her core supporters undeterred, with over five thousand former and current Wal-Mart executives going to the polls in Mexico to bribe voters to cross the border and cast ballots for Mrs. Clinton.  Husband and former President Bill Clinton offered to help his wife on the campaign trail, but Mrs. Clinton reportedly told him despite his best efforts, all the women he ever did allegedly have sexual relations with are not enough to derail the Trump bandwagon, let alone show up a one-half of one-perfect in vote totals.  Mr. Clinton is reported to be working actively on increasing his voter turnout, if you get our drift.

 

Despite this dizzying array of setbacks, Democratic Socialist Independent Green Party of Death candidate Bernie “Yes, that’s my name.  Don’t wear it out!” Sanders continues to stump for popular causes in traditionally ultra-progressive, marijuana infused states such as Washington, Oregon, Colorado, and parts of Tijuana which have sworn fealty to House Targaryen.  Of course, this means that Sansa can’t get it on with her love, and that House Lannister is ready to attack the north wall and Jon Snow’s direwolf is crapping all over the woods again, but the fact that I incorporated a Games of Thrones reference should indicate that Trump, not Sanders, can Make America Great Again!  To his credit, Sanders has admitted to being in favor of legalization of most drugs, including chocolate and cheese, and will outlaw all insurance plans in favor of a single payer, which means your healthcare savings accounts will become the property of the federal government, and all your money will be sent to Denmark to settle that damned meme, once and for all, so suck it, conservatives (their alleged words, not mine).

If that last paragraph wasn’t confusing enough, consider this brain buster.  It is entirely possible that the United States of America could have either its first woman president, or a president who is so reviled that Canada and the United States could literally flip population totals within a year.  Of course, this means our friends in the Great White North would have to deal with a few hundred million people bitching about how football is played on a one hundred yard field with four downs, not three, and that a “parliament” is not an effective form of government because it is full of officials who actually do this thing called “governing,” whatever the hell that is.

Finally, we would like to give a nod to the world of college basketball, and our fallen tributes including, but not limited to, Michigan and several other schools whose names escape us at the moment.  We are pleased you are tuning in these games, may the odds be ever in your favor, and we have confirmed that no mahogany tables have been stabbed in the writing of this blog!

Breaking News: Yes, it’s really news…maybe

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If Fox and Brian Williams can do it, why can’t I?

We interrupt this blog to bring you the following breaking news bulletins which will never, ever be seen on Fox, MSNBC, CNN, CBS, NBC, ABC or even Infowars…that’s how “facty” they are…

Donald Trump:  The Eternal Super Leader of the Universe has declared all who swear fealty to him share be spared the god of Death prior to the season premier.  Wait, Trump hasn’t purchased the right to Game of Thrones?  Oh, not yet!  Stay tuned.

Hillary Clinton:  America has decided it is “Ready for Hillary” in several states, including Florida, which reports that many precincts are still attempting to count uncounted ballots from the 2000 elections.  Lawyers for Bernie Sanders were unavailable for comment, but Al Gore’s attorneys have offered their services, saying “all we gotta do is change the date!”

Marco Rubio:  Senator Rubio has announced he is suspending his campaign in Florida.  Former Florida Governor and electoral rival Charlie Crist is reported to have asked “when did he actually start?”

Walker County, Georgia:  Commissioner Bebe Heiskell has, repeat, has repaid the loan.  We can confirm it!  The check is in the mail!  The fat lady has sung!  The dogs are in the kennel!  The dudes with the cameras are home now!  You can stop making jokes about her!  We mean it!  We really, really mean it!

Cleveland:  Officials in the Mayor’s office are diligently preparing for the Republican National Convention.  Unconfirmed reports stated Stephen King has been consulted on the feasibility of dropping a giant dome over the poorest parts of the city.

Pyongyang, North Korea:  The American spy who besmirched our good name with his thievery has been sentenced to 15 years of hard labor, and this will be enforced unless we receive our bootleg copies of Games of Thrones immediately.

Office of the Sumter County, Georgia, Commission:  It has been confirmed that sanity has been proposed, but funding for it continues to be denied because that would improve voter turnout and intellect.  Nobody has claimed responsibility for this action at this time.

Hazleton, Pennsylvania:  We can report nothing, we repeat, absolutely nothing happened at the crossroads of Interstates 80 and 81.  Nothing has happened, nothing ever will happen.  It will remain the same, forever!

Office of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker:  Governor Walker is rumored to be ready to declare this “Donald Trump Week”, and named Milwaukee the “City of Trump.”  Animal rights activists oppose this, arguing the potential for a mass slaughter of ferrets.

City of Little Rock, Arkansas:  The City Council announced today it has transmitted a letter to the Governor of New York State regarding Hillary Rodham Clinton which simply reads “No backsies!”

National Football League:  Commissioner Roger Goodell reportedly suspended his secretary for nine games after discovering she spiked his coffee with a performance enhancing substance called “refined sugar.”

United Nations Security Council:  Something actually happened this week at the Security Council, but nobody will admit in writing what.

Antarctica:  Several flocks of penguins were seen smiling and waving.  One even responded to a researcher screaming “Kowalski!”

Facebook:  Facebook officials reportedly shot spitballs at Twitter executives this week, while Snapchat officials sat back and laughed.  Officials for Tumblr, Pinterest and Periscope served as security monitors, but really didn’t care.

Comcast:  The cable giant launched gigabit service in Atlanta today, and it promptly crashed when users uploaded millions of drunken naked pictures from St. Patrick’s Day celebrations.

 

 

Some more divine political humor

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God apparently lives in Tampa Bay! Hockey fans, weather wonks, and Floridians will get that joke!

With the Presidential campaigns getting heated, the Republican and Democratic party leaders went before the one individual whose endorsement would be sure to win the election for them.  They chose to get God’s blessing.

The Democratic leader pleaded to the Almighty:  “I care deeply for America.  Our party is about the poor, the downtrodden, those who have been taken advantage of.  We believe in what you believe in – love, peace and being good to everyone.”

The Republican leader took their turn:  “I love America.  Our party believes in you.  We have preachers and ministers supporting your righteous causes.  We are against abortion, for personal responsibility, and believe that religion and you should be allowed back in the classroom.”

God asked one simple question of them both.

“What is the one true religion?”

Both leaders looked at each other, puzzled.  They then looked at God and said “You, of course.”

“So,” God said, “If I said that I was a giant wad of chewing gum, my command was to give every person a wad of chewing gum, and apply the wad to their foreheads and walk around, lest risk eternal damnation, you’d convince everyone to do so lest I smite you and you feel my wrath?”

They both nodded.

God laughed gently, then hit them both with enough of a zap of lighting to scorch their clothes but not kill them.  “Listen, and listen carefully.  If you ever, ever claim to have been made in my image again, I’ll do more than just zap you.  Just the thought of my image resemble either of you, is insulting!”