There are a ton of movies which are being rebooted to modern day themes, with Top Gun being one of the most recent members of the “Reboot Club.” While there were some decent-quality reboots, such as Footloose, most concepts are, to say the least, frightening. Here are some movies of the 1980s which, for the love of all that is good and decent in the cinema world, must never be rebooted.
The Last Starfighter
This early 80s science-adventure hit is best known for its cheesy-yet-wonderful story of a know-nothing teen who goes from being an arcade game addict to a planets last, best hope. How you take a movie which has cutting-edge-for-day graphics and translate to today is beyond anyone’s comprehension. Besides, wasn’t that was Starfox was for?
The Secret of Nimh
Don Bluth was known for edgy, gritty animated features, but Nimh was more of a tween movie than anything else. This feature combined action with fantasy with Middle-Earth style plot themes. Of course, there was a level of violence just a tad above standard-cartoon fare but that, for Bluth, was nothing out of the ordinary. Leave the Brisby family alone, please.
This was the quintessential “idiot funny” film in a decade featuring sappy or action packed movies. Featuring a blue-plate ensemble of B-list talents, Cannonball Run was a silly romp through the woods. It could be easily argued that Rat Race was a reboot of Run, but that movie wasn’t anywhere near as edgy, despite the flying poop and Jewish-family-driving-the-Nazi-limo schtick. Cannonball Run III? Nope.
Pretty in Pink
Thank goodness this is going back to the theaters for the original version only. This semi-“Brat Pack” feature was one of the gold standard 80s films about teen angst. The notion of someone rebooting the “richies” and the “freaks” is bad enough, but who would play “Duckie?” The idea of the potential casting calls is chilling, to say the very least. Also, how can you possibly reboot one of the great soundtracks into modern day? Blurred Lines, anyone? That’s what we thought.
Beverly Hills Cop
When Glenn Frey passed away, so did any hope of rebooting this standard bearer for 80s comedy. Eddie Murphy knows one thing quite well; you can’t go family comedy then back to profanity-laden comedy without sacrificing a career. While Beverly Hills Cop was a hysterical action comedy, it remains a legend for the simple fact that, unlike Miami Vice or 21 Jump Street, nobody has attempted any sort of reboot.
St. Elmo’s Fire
Though not an official “Brat Pack” movie, it features the Judd Nelson/Ally Sheedy duo and sent them off in style. Also, it is nearly impossible to reprise for a simple reason – the overall concepts addressed in this movie have been deep-dived so many times in so many other movies since then (can you say “Reality Bites?”), a repackage of this bittersweet classic will come off as tired and stale. Leave it alone, if for no other reason than to never let anyone create a cover of the legendary “love theme.”
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
The only Star Trek movie to make this list, this environmentally-themed movie should never, ever be rebooted by the Bad Robot folks, for any reason. For starters, only William Shatner could deliver “double dumbass on you” properly, and only the late-Leonard Nimoy would have just the wrong knack for using swear words. Add to that Catherine Hicks was epic in her part, and the fact that Vulcan doesn’t even exist anymore, so where the hell would the Bounty park? Finally, the new Trek already did time travel, and “Save the whales” is all over NatGeo and Discovery.
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Sean Penn, for all his flaws (and he has a ton) is the quintessential punk slacker in this hysterical teen movie. In fact, there have been so many spoofs of Spicoli alone, pizza joints have been endorsed ad infinitum, and Judge Reinhold will forever be associated with “learn it, know it, live it,” so he’d likely have a Chris Kattan “What is love”-style meltdown if he saw this film be rebooted in any way, shape or form. For the love of Judge, leave Ridgemont alone.
You just don’t reboot an 80s comedy featuring Steve Gutenberg and Kim Cattrall. You just don’t. For starters, who the hell can out-beatbox Jonesie, out-gung-ho Tackleberry, out-sexy Callahan, and out-arrogant Lt. Harris, and out-uh-tall Hightower? This movie launch a half-dozen sequels (each progressively worse, by the way) and, in today’s hyper-politically correct environment, the rewrites and edits would completely destroy the original concept of the movie anyway – there were several racial slurs dropped by the dumbass bad guys in the original film. Please, the recruits have graduated, so leave Academy alone.
Finally, and certainly at the top of this list…
The Breakfast Club
Let’s just get this out of the way – anyone who attempts to reboot this film should be tried for entertainment treason or, at the very least, offending the sensibilities of 80s kids everywhere! Judd Nelson, Molly Ringwauld, Ally Sheedy, Anthony Michael Hall, Emilio Estevez – enough said! You can’t recast this movie better, you can’t rewrite it better, and there is no high school on the planet we know of which does weekend detention anymore! Besides, nobody would allow today’s teen actors to do the “rail dance” properly, anyway! The Breakfast Club should be left alone, put into a “never touch” category, and federal protective legislation should be immediately passed.