A NASA study recently revealed what much America has been unaware of for several years. Namely, that quantum singularities can be reproduced, and nowhere is that particular situation more evident than the example provided by the governments of Walker and Sumter Counties, both governmental corporation products based right here in the beautiful state of Georgia.
We have covered the travails of the Walker County government in depth in 2015, but only recently have we learned that the entire county is now on the verge of being swallowed by a singularity created when the entire government collapsed in upon itself, folding time and space in such a fashion that, when Dr. Who reportedly arrived, he popped open the doors to his TARDIS (please don’t ask – I’m not a Dr. Who fan and I really don’t have the patience to explain it), popped his head out, went “yuck,” then subsequently disappeared. Unfortunately, nobody in the government can be reached to verify this particular incident, though we suspect they all have taken oaths of silence, crawled under rocks, and are waiting for the voters to go home and watch the NFL playoffs. As for the fiscal situation of the county, it can best be described in the following word: frothy. We will leave it at that.
Still, Walker County’s incompetence remains a threat to universal security as it appears to have bled over, via wormhole theory, into Sumter County, Georgia, home to former President Jimmy Carter. Speaking of which, have you ever noticed how the news media always mention his hometown of “Plains,” and never mentions that Plains is actually a very, very tiny suburb of Americus, the county seat of Sumter County, which happens to be home of my soon-to-be (knocking on every piece of wood in sight) alma mater, Georgia Southwestern State University, as well a great hospital, a good pizza joint, a historic hotel, a Krystal and several thousand citizens and small-business owners who really do care about the community around them but, due to a tragic clerical error at the polls, were saddled with a government which could actually make the combined leadership of the national Republican Party look capable by comparison. This may, unfortunately, be one instance where Donald Trump becoming head of a government is an improvement.
What makes this all the more astonishing is that Sumter County and, in particular, Americus was once a hotbed for accountable government and, more to the point, forward thinking. Georgia Southwestern has one of the top Education and Nursing programs in Georgia and, at least as far as I’m concerned, remains an excellent university to attend for the money, and that’s without it having a football program, though it does have a fine tradition of students getting completely hammered at Intramural tailgate parties (don’t ask). Americus, unfortunately, appears to be suffering from a bit of a leadership vacuum, and I have a crack team of quantum physicists checking to see if outgoing Walker County Commissioner Bebe Heiskell’s former minions are attempting to establish a neo-Sith-style empire in my college town. Now, bearing that in mind, this wordsmith Jedi may have to break out his mental lightsaber and restore balance to that end of the Force, but that will likely require several thousand gallons of quality adult beverage product in order to power my Jedi mind tricks. These things don’t exactly work on blind faith, you know.
Still, I couldn’t go a week without a mention of the greatest threat to the Force in the history of Star Wars: namely, Kylo Trump. Hang on *reading draft copy.* Never mind that, the copy should have read “Kylo Ren,” but apparently Donald decided to take a cue from Taylor Swift and copyright half of all Star Wars references which Disney hasn’t already gotten their hands on (yes, they do exist…check your local fortune cookie). According to unconfirmed reports, Kylo Ren has taken up residence in a remote part of the galaxy, while General Leia is attempting to convince Mr. Trump to stop buying shares of Death Star, Inc., and short selling them on the Galactic Republic market.
This, of course, is rubbish, because we all know that Trump wouldn’t buy the stock, but the actual Death Star itself. In this case, he wouldn’t its remaining parts, or a damned planet, but the whole freaking galaxy, shove the Walker County Quantum Singularity Device into the center of it, and reappear, Sith-like, in the middle of Americus, waving a Florida flag screaming “Bulldogs suck” because…well, he’s Trump and because he’s Trump, he knows he can…or maybe not, but definitely one of the two. Thank you, and may the Force be with you, he, she and it.