True Love, Redemption, and a Dream

Barring something happening which demands commentary, this is likely my final post for 2015 and, as always, I save a doozy for the end.  Folks, there’s been a lot happening in my life in recent months and weeks, and much of it has involved me taking a very long look at myself, where I’m going, what I want, and most important of all, who and what I am.  It’s also required that I make some very difficult decisions on the state of some relationships, certain friendships, and what’s best for me.  This has resulted in me taking a very long look at the concept of love, and what I feel it means to me.

Sometime in early 2016, I will be making a very important post related to love and it will be based, in part, on a dream I had several years ago.  In that dream I saw a woman who was, quite frankly, the most beautiful person I had ever seen in my life.  Without going into specific details – unnecessary and inappropriate at this point – she revealed to me what she was to me, but not whom.  That point is very important.  I do not know the identity of this individual, but she sat next to me, clear as day.  The one thing I can distinctly remember about the dream was brilliant golden light everywhere, making her person glorious and shimmering – much like an angel – and that there was a brilliant, overwhelming feeling of love.  It was as though I had come home and desperately wanted to stay there, but I ultimately had to wake up.  I will not go into the detail of conversation we had – suffice it to say it was quite brief, but very intense and a genuine revelation.  Since then, however, I have been confounded by the thought of this person, who she may be, and why she came to me in this dream.

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Splitting of the soul, Oil Pastel, 2015.

My intent is to put my artistic talent to the ultimate test; I will be attempting to create a chalk pastel sketch of this woman over the coming weeks.  When I feel it is done and the time is right, I will reveal it, along with the full details of the dream, as well as some feelings I’ve had for many years about it.  I am not trying to tease anything; this is something which must be done a certain way.  My heart has been hurt, smashed, broken and destroyed in just about every way imaginable in my life, and I will not get this wrong.  This brings me to another topic I wanted to touch on today.

As many of you may already know, my marriage has be troubled for many years.  I did not get married for the usual reasons.  While many of you know I suffered from profound heartbreak at the time I married, what I have never revealed was that I was also looking for redemption for some of the more serious sins of the years leading up.  Many of my choices were not good ones, and it led to many difficult situations for those I cared about, and I created great damage for both myself and those closest to me at the time.  When I met my wife, her life was in shambles and, despite my better judgment which was screaming “WAIT,” I truly believed that, by helping her get her life back together, I would achieve this redemption.  Unfortunately, in the process, I also surrendered myself to the madness, and fell into a deep pit I am only now beginning to climb out of.  I hold her blameless; the decision to assume this responsibility and attempt this “redemption,” was entirely my choice.  Same with the many things I had done to hurt, confuse, and concern dear friends and loved ones over the years.  I accept full responsibility for what I have done, and now it is up to me to love myself.    The upside to all this was that I have learned incredible things about myself, what I can achieve, and what I deserve.

I’m getting there, and that brings me to one final topic, and this may go off the deep end a little, so feel free to click away if you feel necessary.

Some of you are rather aware of my deep interest in the supernatural and esoteric.  You may call it occult, I consider it merely to be ancient wisdom and science lost to modern ways of thinking.  Merge the two, and you get something truly amazing and capable of allowing intuitive leaps otherwise deemed impossible.  In particular, I have been fascinated by the concepts surrounding the very nature of love and life; souls, soul mates, and the very controversial concepts of twin souls and twin flames.  So much has been written about all this online, and peddled by both genuine spiritualists and charlatans, it can hard to separate the wheat from the chaff.  Having made enough mistakes of my own, I feel comfortable with giving you my take on this.  It all comes down to your heart, mind and soul being in complete agreement.  If they aren’t, something is definitely wrong.  The heart and soul are the links to the higher self; anyone with an ounce of common sense will tell you that.  The mind is the “here and now” piece of the puzzle, the lower self.  We too often live in the “here and now” while being completely disconnected from the higher self.   Trust me, I get it.  Past hurts, childhood traumas and psychological issues, even physical damage can “pile on” the negativity the conscious mind fosters.  Speaking to that, the conscious mind is almost entirely negative in its energy, that’s mostly evolutionary (sorry creationists, but you know I’m right on that!), where the soul is usually positive, and the heart tends to be reactive, meaning its condition is based almost entirely on environmental and experience factors such as lost love, abuse, and past pain.

It’s easy to get lost in the notion of a prepackaged spiritual concept; hell, I’ve done it, so let me break it down a bit.  To me, there is really no true answer, only true love, and that based in a simple concept of unconditional love.  Before I go further into this, let me make a disclaimer – genuine unconditional love is never controlling.  A few friends of mine railed against my embracing this concept because of the tendency of abusers and control-oriented types to co-opt this concept as a means to impose their will on a target.  That is not what true or unconditional love is, and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying both to you and themselves, and this is the one situation from which I would encourage you to run like hell!  True love, when properly grounded in the unconditional, knows when to walk way, let go (no matter how much it hurts), and simply be in the background as a guardian, or simply vanish to allow someone to be who they are and what they are destined to be.  Yes, I do believe that all souls come from a common source, and that we start as something different, but are transformed when created – call it a split, or twinning or whatever, something happens.  Some would argue that is the very definition of a Twin Flame or Soulmate, but I disagree.  My heart, my soul, and mind are in agreement on what I believe a “true” love connection, the sort which is beyond time and space, is all about, and here is a taste of that.

There’s no name for it, and no label one can apply.  This is a love which transcends, which understands more than the mind can possibly comprehend.  It simply knows; knows when it’s right, when it’s not, when to walk away, and when to hold out hope.  It burns with the fire of creation, comforts with the arms of the most powerful angels, and listens with an open heart which forgives, understands, and never judges.  It only wants the very best, and will only ever hope that joy and happiness enters one’s life.  It’s more than just 1 Corinthians stuff, the beauty of sonnets and Platonic notions of souls, and beyond anything the human mind can conceive.  It is true beauty, it is being able to see beyond what it is to what could be.  It is true hope, it is knowledge of the best of the future, and it is the one thing which can truly save a life, if it is welcomed.  When it is given and received with pure intent, it can launch one to greatness, bring one back to reality, put stars into one’s eyes, and (forgive the overused cliché) light one’s darkest hour.  As it is unconditional, failure is missing from its vocabulary, as is control.  It teaches and waits.  It enlightens and hopes.  It is the ultimate hero, and it is the great slayer of demons and dragons.  When the time is right it heals pain in a way no modern medical or scientific miracle could hope to achieve, and it unites two wholes into something greater than the sum of what they bring together.  It is far from perfect, which is what makes it perfect.

Someday, I hope we find each other, and I pray that I’m right.

Have a wonderful holiday season, everyone.  Thank you for reading this year, making this blog great, and I look forward to what amazing things life has in store for us all in 2016.

Best Wishes,

John Edward Guzzardo

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