In my ever-increasing quest to confuse and infuriate my readers, and in the interest of maintaining the current trajectory of Star Wars posts, it is now time to do one of the things which I most love doing. No, not having inappropriate thoughts about Kat Denning (did I say that?), but instead my nascent penchant for writing parody mashup scripts. For today’s piece of idiocy, I have chosen to go the route of “Keep It Simple, Stupid,” and take a page from Appalachian Americana (I lived 11 years in Northeast Pennsylvania, so I can get away with this!) and merge it with the family of the most hated character in the history of Star Wars. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…
Jar-Jar and The McCoys
Scene: On earth, a stray ship flattens in shack in Appalachia. A nearby man notices the disaster, and discovered that several of his livestock have run across the broken fence to the ship itself. A strange looking creature emergences, looking around at the situation. A craggy looking hillbilly male approaches him, rifle armed and in hand.
PAPA McCOY: Stop where yer’ are, mister!
JAR JAR BINKS: Meesa sowwy bout mess, sir! Pleesa don’t shoot shoot me!
PAPA McCOY (lowers his rifle for a moment): What in hell’s name er ya? Ya lookin like some sorta frog er sumptin!
JAR JAR BINKS: I am from from d’planet (looks up at the sky) wait wait, where are am I?
PAPA McCOY: Yer nexta our house. Dat shack y’all flattin’d was the Hatfields. They been stealin’ livestock from us fer years!
JAR JAR BINKS: Ohhhhhh (sneers at the house). How ruuuuude!
PAPA McCOY: Hmmm, maybe yer not so bad. C’mon inside and have a belt with me.
JAR JAR BINKS: Belt? I donta eat no belts!
PAPA McCOY (laughing): You really aren’t from around her, er ya?
JAR JAR BINKS: No no. Jar Jar from place far, far, far away.
*several drinks of moonshine and a very drunk Jar Jar later, the two men are discussing the Clone Wars*
PAPA McCOY: So lemme get dis straight…you fought ‘longside a buncha generals and dey all couldn’t standya?
JAR JAR BINKS: Uh huh….meeeeessaaa….oooh…Jar Jar feel woo woo woozy. Nobody like Jar Jar. Everybody hate Jar Jar.
PAPA McCOY: Well, I don’t hatecha! I kinda like ya! Tellya what…how bouts you live here, with my family?
JAR JAR BINKS: Really? You you you mean it?
PAPA McCOY: Why not? After all, it’s not like yer gonna steal me woman, or steal me money. Yer just a strange lookin guy who means well.
*a flash of light and Leonard McCoy, distant cousin to Papa McCoy, appears with James T. Kirk*
Dr. McCOY: My God, man! What are you doing?
PAPA McCOY: Er ya angels or sumthin? I’m too damned drunk.
JAR JAR BINKS: What what what is going on?
KIRK (Raises phaser set on vaporize): This
*Fires single shot at Jar Jar, vaporizing him as he shrieks “How ruuuuu”*
PAPA McCOY: What in hell didya do THAT for?
Dr. McCOY: Posterity. You were about to propagate a species which would annoy mankind to death.
PAPA McCOY: Huh?
KIRK: Ah, Bones! *vaporizes PAPA McCOY* There.
Dr. McCOY: Jim, you idiot! You just caused me (disappears due to causality consequences).
KIRK: *smirks* Huh, how about that. Three birds, one phaser. *Takes a belt of moonshine, then flips up his communicator* Scotty, beam me back.
SCOTTY: Aye, you mad bastard.
And cue the screams from the fandom! 😉