The holiday shopping season is well underway, and our friends at various websites are devising new methods to improve customer “service.” One report indicated that a well-known website is now joining the fight against ISIS, deploying a specially built fleet of strike drones equipped with high-density fruitcakes capable of taking out enemy forces at 300 feet. Of course, we taxpayers will be expected to foot the bill for this “special handling,” at a likely rate of $200 million per strike, plus shipping and handling.
Shopping is one of those time honored traditions of the holiday season, along with “trimming the tree,” “setting up the lights,” and “losing your mind trying to find the one light that blew, only to learn that you never have enough lights to fix all of them.” This year, I have decided to forgo lighting my tree, instead using it in a more practical application – firewood. Seriously, though, I have an artificial tree, which means any attempt to incinerate said tree would likely result in fumes being generated which are noxious enough to simulate a stray fart from my cat, Max. Speaking of which, I have chosen the gift I will be getting for Max, and it’s something which many people may find quite useful for their significant others: flatulence-filtering apparel, or (excuse me while I catch my breath) Shreddies.
All joking aside, this is a billion dollar idea! Though it took me a while to adjust my breathing following a momentary explosion of laughter, the result of numerous flashbacks to farting contests in a friend’s dorm room, this product is serious genius. For those with medical issues which cause frequent bouts of flatulence, this actually is a solution which can save relationships and holiday events from disasters. Now, unfortunately, nowhere on the website does it indicate the product inhibits the actual combustible gasses from streaming so, as always, exercise proper flatulence-related incineration reduction protocols when near an open flame of any kind. Unfortunately for Max, such protocols are useless because, well, he’s a cat! He just let it rip anywhere and, consequently, I expect to see him, one Christmas, blast off through the roof and over the house, Christmas Vacation style, landing into a destination which will likely involve my back, his claws, and a visit to the emergency room! Fellow nurse friends, I’m putting you on notice for 2016 – expect a visit.
While flatulence-containing garments are an issue which must be regarded as an economy boosting concept, I must also make you aware of the most glaring issue I have seen in the world of holiday shopping in some time. This is the emergence of people using selfie sticks as deadly weapons. While this not really news, it is still worthy of a 5 inch tall headline similar to the one seen in the New York Post, Obama Beats Weiner. Back in August, reknown video blogger Terry Tufferson (Now Booking for Parties), best known for claiming to fight a Great White Shark, which actually turned out to merely be Donald Trump having a bad hair day, posted a video of an American tourist purported to be getting into a selfie-stick beatdown of a Japanese tourist. What is most disturbing about this is not the fact that this video looks staged, or that is a representation of the worst of America, but the fact the Japanese tourist didn’t have a far more advanced self-stick capable of transforming into something better, like a lightsaber, or phaser or something. Forgive the racial profiling, but aren’t the Japanese supposed to be cutting-edge in the tech department?
Regardless of what we to believe, the fact remains, we are in the midst of a very unusual holiday shopping season. Black Friday Sales are reportedly off, Cyber Monday sales are up, the hot side is cold, the cold side is hot, and the dog is apparently eating everyone’s homework. To top it all off, I haven’t even gotten my Christmas tree set up yet, though Max has gone out of his way to assist by means of perching atop it and tipping it over on numerous occasions. I expect him to figure out how to use a drone to order a fruitcake strike on the house, and then beat me down with my own selfie stick, after which he’ll launch from the chimney, carrying the Christmas ham and a fruitcake, towards northwest Georgia in an effort to demolish the office of Walker County Commissioner Bebe Heiskell, but will likely be shot down by defenses manned by Cobb County Commissioner and High Lord of the Baseball Gods Tim Lee.
I challenge anyone to top that last mashup!