American Horror Story: Georgia College Football 2015

Unless a parallel universe opens up in which a real college football playoff tournament and not this farce of a thing called a “playoff” exists, college football around America is mostly wrapping up this week with in-state rivalry games and so-called “backyard brawls” (patent pending at the University of Pittsburgh…NO, WEST VIRGINIA!  NO, PITT!  NO *couches set ablaze*)  Here in Georgia, the college football season is divided up into four categories:  Georgia, Georgia Tech, Georgia (yack, spit, hiss, vomit) Southern, and “whoever the hell else is in the state.”  Let’s take a moment to look at all four categories and how their respective seasons went.

Pause now for the funeral march.

University of Georgia

georgia-dogs

“Are you pondering what I’M pondering, UGA?”  “I think so, but isn’t it YOUR turn to give Coach Richt his walking papers?”

The Bulldogs season began with high hopes, buoyed by the emergence of superstar running back Nick Chubb, who appeared to be ready to assume the mantle of heroism from former running back and memorabilia signing extraordinaire Todd Gurley.  Things were all set for Head Coach Mark Richt to finally meet his destiny as the one would restore balance to the Force, but Chubb and a collection of Bulldog offensive linemen learned quickly what fans have known for years; college football has all the logic and reason of blind dartboard throwing tournament.  Sadly, Chubb’s season was cut short by a knee injury best described in particular phrasing heard on TV when it happened “Goood GAWD!”  At that very moment, Bulldog Nation knew the season was in jeopardy and, despite their best efforts, the men in Red and Black were unable to save their season from the true kiss of death:  Mark Richt being featured in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.  Once that particular article ran, the season was unofficially over, but made official when UGA became a light snack for the powerhouse that was Florida.  Other losses included Alabama and some other team which nobody gives a crap about, but they did manage to score some brownie points by this writer’s opinion when they beat Georgia (puke, gag, crap on the pavement) Southern.  Georgia  recovered some shred of dignity in the remaining weeks of the season and, in this year’s installment of “Good Ol’ Fashioned Hate,” was able to send….pause for dramatic effect while we go into the season of….

Georgia Tech

NCAA Football: Virginia Tech at Georgia Tech

Don’t be fooled…they just found out Wal-Mart has an on-campus store.

The Yellow Jackets had high hopes for this season, and it showed when they managed to, in a historic moment for Tech faithful, crushed some team from Mississippi or something, we don’t know.  What really matters is that Touchdown Jesus laid the whammie on the Jackets as a loss at Notre Dame sparked a memorable five game losing streak featuring losses to the greatness of Duke (really), North Carolina (facepalm), and Pittsburgh (double facepalm – South Florida once beat these guys!).  A “miracle” home win against Florida State appeared to be an optical illusion perpetrated by the Tech physics department, because the Jackets went on to lose to not only Virginia (seriously?) and Virginia Tech (good grief) but also Miami (reportedly Coach Paul Johnson banned all trips to South Beach that week…it didn’t work) until finally, the Jackets, led by nobody we really can remember being worth a giant crock of roach crap, stepping forward to be pounded into submission by the greatness of the…drum roll please, now spit…Georgia Bulldogs, losing at Athens, between the hedges, off the scoreboard, around the Arch, down Highway 10, split the uprights, 13-7.  While Paul Johnson admitted he hates losing, players were unavailable for comment, likely because their friends in the quantum physics department somehow replaced them with clones set on fourth quarter self-destruct.  Of course, this leads us to the amazing but highly reliable and annoying, but don’t take our word for it, just go there and see how alcohol soaked the campus is…..

Georgia (gack, ack, hiss, burp) Southern

50647d3bed0becd5d00bee0849b06e29

Where’s Bugs Bunny with a really BIG ANVIL when you NEED HIM?

For the sake of this writer’s stomach (and associated bowel movements), this passage will be kept as brief as possible.  The Eagles took it easy, took it eeeasssay (sorry, couldn’t resist!), and managed to start the year off in promising fashion, getting drilled with the West Virginia Mountaineers.  Now, note I said with, even through the score of 44-0 suggested by.  This is because this was the one chance the Eagles had to get so drunk and hammered and lose by a ton that they just rolled up the tent and let their practice squad do the work.  After that, it was all business, and the Eagles demolished the greatness that is Western Michigan, Citadel, Idaho, Louisiana Monroe, Louisiana Adams, Louisiana Jackson, and Tippecanoe & Tyler II.  This, of course, led to the greatest moment of infamy in Georgia (Please don’t me say the damned name!) Southern (DAMMIT!) history since the famed “Empty Seat Games” of the mid 1990s, when the Eagles got walloped by Appalachian State, only to come back and bury not only Texas State (who?) but Troy (Motto:  Taking being Greek a little TOO seriously) in so much bird dung they actually forgot to save some for the Georgia Bulldogs, who managed to defeat them by offering up UGA the Dog in ritual sacrifice as a distraction, or so they claim.  As of this moment, they are playing a team from Alabama who is neither the Tide or Auburn, so nobody, and I mean nobody, outside of Statesboro gives a damn (and most people in Statesboro don’t really either care either – the beer is still flowing, that’s all that counts.)  Their season wraps up against Georgia State, who is reportedly preparing for this game by tackling MARTA riders.

Everyone Else in Georgia

football

Now starting at Quarterback for West Georgia, numberone….uh…uh…what’s this dude’s name?

Well, here goes:  Valdosta State did something – we really don’t care what.  West Georgia, once the toast of the Peach State until everyone realized that Carrollton really does suck as a college town, defeated Valdosta State (oh, that’s what happened to them) to advance to the NCAA Division II Playoffs, and likely to never be seen or heard from again.  Fort Valley State and Albany State appear to have merged, or was that with Darton State…still not sure on that.  Mercer’s football team debuted, and subsequently forgot they had a team, or at least forgot to tell the news about it.  Savannah State relocated to South Carolina to escape consolidation with Savannah College of Art and Design, but that was thwarted when Darth Vader appeared and placed a force choke on University Chancellor Huckaby, only for viewers to learn that Huckaby is really Vader’s father.  Finally, Kennesaw State University debuted on the gridiron for the first time ever, beating a lot of teams and somehow losing to a team called the “Zips” (don’t ask).

We look forward to recapping college football in Georgia again next year, assuming we aren’t forcing into hiding by an angry throng of Bulldog fans.  Wait, they’re going to Mark Richt’s house?  Okay, we’re safe…for the moment.

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