Could Atlanta’s I-285 Use A Coffee Enema?

It is highly unusual for me to write pieces like this in such rapid succession, but there is breaking news I must make you aware of:  the crack staff at the Atlanta Journal-Constitution has managed to figure out how to time-warp again.  The reason I say this is because the article referenced is about digital speed limit signs which don’t work, and is about as breaking a story as knowing Hillary Clinton has the scruples of a common house centipede (check that: the centipede at least has the integrity to break into a billion pieces when struck by a feather!).

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Reportedly even Jennifer Lawrence won’t drive it, and she’s Katniss!

According to the Journal-Constitution article, the State of Georgia has paid $4.9 million dollars for a signage system along I-285, known most commonly as “The Perimeter,” but which is has interchanges with roads named for such notable local celebrities as former Congressional Representative Cynthia McKinney (D-Mordor) who actually once said in 2008 “Anything that is captured by your audio that is captured while I’m not seated in this chair, is off the record and is not permissible to be used. Is that understood?” (look it up!)  The article goes on to state that many of these signs, which are controlled from a “Command Center” run by the Georgia Department of Transportation, are either not showing a speed limit on one side, showing two different speed limits along the same location or, in the most extreme circumstances, have gone complete Hunger Games and show nothing, with overhead traffic “reporting” signs reportedly flashing the message “May the Odds Be Ever In Your Favor.”

What is most concerning about this situation isn’t the lack of speed limits on some signs, or apparent split-personality limits offered by others, but instead the mere fact that this particular issue, which has apparently included a sign which simply said “6” (at about 5 PM on that stretch of highway, that’s called truth in advertising) is being given attention over a recent article by diabetic expert Dr. Timothy Moore, who claims that coffee is beneficial as an enema.  If you don’t believe me, see for yourself.  This somewhat disturbing medical discovery is made all the more concerning by the fact that, in his profile picture, Dr. Moore is shown, cross-armed, holding a whisk in one hand.  Still, I soldiered on through this article to the actual procedure.

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Shown:  Dr. Timothy Moore.  Not Shown (thank goodness):  What that whisk is actually used for!

(Please, prior to reading, finish consuming all food and drink to prevent choking or associated spew on your mobile device.)

The instructions actually begin with this tip – It is best to do the coffee enema first thing in the morning or whenever you begin to feel sick to your stomach.

NOTE:  It’s all downhill from here, folks, and much of this has been edited for taste, and the fact that it was too good an opportunity not to mess with:

Step 1:  Place 3 Tablespoons of ground coffee in 1 quart of water in a glass or stainless steel container, do not add alcohol, no matter how tempted you are!

Step 2:  Bring to a boil and turn heat off immediately and let steep for 5 minutes

Step 3:  Place coffee mixture in an enema bag – it should be as hot as you can tolerate on your hand (though we aren’t sure how this corresponds to the orifice the mixture is actually put into!)

Step 4:  Place nail 42 inches above the floor and hand the enema bag on the nail.  NOTE:  I left this step exactly as written to prove the importance of editing, both to my loyal readers and myself!

Step 5:  Lie on your left side on the floor with your knees drawn up, holding the on/off switch next to your buttocks.  At this point it time, it would appropriate to ask “what the *expletive deleted* am I doing?

Step 6:  Allow coffee mixture to flow in to the colon, taking in as much of the coffee mixture as you can hold.  Also, be sure to allow appropriate room for your favorite sweetener, half & half, or associated lightening product (sorry, I simply couldn’t say the obvious word without feeling I’m going to offend at least a billion people out there, or dying from laughter, but definitely one of the two!)

Step 7:  Wait 1 minute until distension (fullness) is gone.  (You may also develop a sudden desire to sit on a box of donuts or cinnamon rolls afterwards.  This is only temporary.)

Now for the most disturbing step of all…

Step 8:  Repeat the process

Trust me, folks, if you aren’t laughing uncontrollably yet, be prepared to suffer a hernia…

Step 9:  After 3 minutes on left side, roll over to your back.  Stay on your back for 3 minutes and then roll on to your right side.  (This will allow proper mixing of all associated ingredients.)

Step 10:  If you must evacuate, do so.  (Preferably into a large mug you will toss into a firepit and cover with incendiary devices.)

These next two disclaimers I honestly couldn’t make up if I tried:  You initially may only be able to take in few ounces.  Build up to ½ to 1 quart per day (1 time a day)- it is best to do the coffee enema first thing in the morning.

Really?  I think I’d rather take my chances on I-285 with no speed limits, but that’s just me!

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