After all the serious stuff we have been seeing in the news, we need to really start moving on to other serious issues, such as how Walker County, Georgia’s attempted blockbuster deal to acquire a school with a quality nursing program may be historic in the fact that they are acquiring a quality anything. But first, we must address this looming, alleged, likely fictitious and highly suspect report that NASA is about to launch a pasta-worshiping nitwit to deep space, and it’s not, repeat, not Adam Richmond!
NASA announced last week, in a much ballyhooed statement, that they have been authorized to conduct a reality TV series in which the biggest American dunce would be allowed to be launched into orbit. While that in itself would be comical, what is concerning is the starship, reportedly named Eagle 10 (Now with Trans-Warp Schwarz!), would be capable of space flight to such locations as Mars, the asteroid belt, and possibly the punk rock planet Thompson 2 in the Ratt system. Even more worrisome is that the current administration, looking for the least religiously offensive representative possible, may be ready to train a…wait for it…Pastafarian.
Contrary to popular belief, Pastafarians don’t actually worship a bowl of spaghetti. The actual deity is actually the pasta itself, with meatballs and sauces actually spirits. This particular religion is dedicated to the cause of peace by way of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, whose existence is explained in this actual passage from the Pastafarian Wiki Page (seriously.)
“According to Pastafarianism, FSM is a benevolent supernatural entity who created the world some 4000 years ago while very drunk, although the world is intentionally built to make humans think it’s older than it really is.”
This particular religion subscribes to several beliefs, but the most important is the Pastafarian Endtime (“Pastageddon?”) In this situation, the end of the world is decided when the Flying Spaghetti Monster crushes its enemies with its mighty (pause now to swallow your food or soda to prevent choking) meatballs. Pastafarian belief is actually quite specific about not being racist or homophobic, but mentions “savages such as vegans and barbie co. employees will be crushed like the heathens they are, bloodily and painfully.” Of course, if first contact occurs, we can count on our Pastafari-nauts to engage in culturally appropriate exchanges, such as demonstrating boiling water, making quality meatballs, and engaging in the age-old debate as to whether it’s called “sauce” or “gravy,” though that last part may want to be omitted to avoid touching off an interstellar war.
While “Pastafarian Trek” is a major issue nationally, a far more regionally sensitive topic has hit the state of Georgia, where a proposed merger between Darton State College and Albany State University in the southwest region of the Peach State may be in jeopardy as the result of a rumored back-door deal between the Office of Walker County Commissioner and Lord High Commander Bebe Heiskell and her government. The deal, which was reported late at night on a billboard by a group of renegade journalists watching reruns of The Real Ghostbusters, alleges the county of attempting to purchase Darton State from undercover agents posing as ethics investigators and open satellite campuses in the hopes of generating revenue to pay off the reported $10 million hedge fund loan still outstanding. Calls to the Walker County Auditors Office were apparently misrouted to Donald Trump’s office, because this is the message we received.
“This is Donald Trump, Presidential Candidate, dashing billionaire, and all-around ass kicking businessman, speaking on behalf of the Walker County Government. If you are calling to smear the great Bebe Heiskell and her All-American government which stands for everything which makes America great, you need to take your sorry, illegal loser ass back to Ben Carson’s house and come up with new material. As always, thanks for Making America Great!”
Darton State College alums, when asked for comment on the matter, reportedly all gagged in unison at the mere mention of being associated with anything in Northwest Georgia, except for Lookout Mountain. When asked about the Pastafarian Starship, one of the respondents actually lit up a giant spaghetti blunt.
NOTEWORTHY: Today is the Two Year Anniversary of my readers being able to get in my head! I would like to thank you all with a prize, but my budget is on a inverse trajectory to the United States Debt Ceiling. I expect to be debt free and capable of supporting myself independently sometime in 2132. Thanks for your understanding, support, and numerous recommendations for prescription medications!