We’re just over 45 days away from the end of the 2015, but there is still some bits of housekeeping to do here in Command Central. With everything which has happened during the course of this past year, we couldn’t go a week without a mention of the honor which no reasonable human being would want to be without!
NOTE: we said reasonable.
Yes, folks! It’s time for awards which pull no punches, take no prisoners, and constantly debate why Kim Jung Un and North Korea are considered part of planet Earth. Last year, the “weenies” were Southern Style, and it culminated with a deep fried victory for someone we really can’t remember. This year’s awards “show” (really, a column), will be styled after the NFL Playoffs, in honor of Big Supreme Tableware Featuring At Least One Idiot Dumb Enough to Take a Selfie with a Prostitute Number Fifty, or ***NAME DELETED UNDER CEASE AND DESIST ORDER FROM THE NFL BECAUSE WE WERE TOO CHEAP TO PAY THE ROYALTY FEE***. Now that the formalities are out of the way, here is the format.
Single elimination, double-secret, bilingual tournament featuring fourteen (29 or 3) nominees in random sequence, all nominated through a top-secret committee consisting of my four cats. The nomination process will consist of said felines peeing, pooping or scratching imagines or words associated with said nominees. For example, if my largest cat by tonnage, Max, chooses to make a picture of Bebe Heiskell, Commissioner (allegedly outgoing) of Walker County, Georgia, his personal fecal dartboard, she gets a nomination. If instead he chooses to whiz on a picture of Donald Trump, El Trumpo is in. This is a highly subjective process, and I fully expect several individuals, groups or companies to receive multiple “nominations” if you catch my meaning. Once the nominees are chosen, their individual accomplishments are measured. Here is the scoring system.
Offensive comments: 6 points (stuff related to welfare, homosexuals and women’s rights get an extra 2 points. Basic cuss words only 1 point).
Stupid Social Media Posts: 3 points
International Incidents: 2 points
I thought about adding the “Rouge” point in honor of the Canadian Football League, but I’m worried that SEC football fans would claim bias, saying I am omitted stupidity from Baton Rouge. Seriously, I wouldn’t give Louisiana a sniff? Some of the best cat box filler comes from there!
Either way, the winner would advance, “round” by “round,” until the “circle gets the square,” then in the “Final Four”, someone will put it “in the bunny,” and advance to the Final Game, which will feature “bands,” “pomp,” “circumstance” and something we affectionately call “making a funny.” Of course, these are all in quotation marks, with appropriate attribution, because heaven forbid the grand poobahs of the pro sports ownership community are offended or, worse, linked to ownership of websites which the New York Attorney General (indictments per billionaire: 10) claim are illegal.
Now, back to the actual awards show. “Green Weenies 5” will debut sometime in January on a website of my choosing (hint: it won’t be here, it’s a new Op-Ed site I’m launching…there, happy now? Are you happy you ruined my surprise for the whole freaking world??? Really? Are you???) When it does appear, please be sure to have plenty of adult beverage product available, because this will certainly be more entertaining than just about any alleged “competitive” sports program out there, with the possible exception of a Tampa Bay Lightning game (note gratuitous hockey fan plug). So, be sure to stay tuned for updates, and be sure to submit your nominee for the Weenie to the Cat Committee. They are standing by now, watching to piss on your selection, or poop, but definitely one of the two.