It’s time to a look at some of the things that happened in the news last week which you may have missed. Please ensure your tray tables and associated adult beverages and websites are in their upright, locked and concealed-from-the-significant other positions:
- The People’s Republic of China unleashed its most devastating military device ever, the Mother of All Traffic Jams.
Currently classified by the Pentagon as the DOHT-50 “Holycrap,” the Chinese government explained the incident as the result of a new traffic checkpoint which pinches the expressway from 50 lanes down to a needle-thin 20 lanes. The road, called the Hong Kong-Beijing-Macau G4 Fast and Furious Highway of Doom Expressway (so the Chinese government embellished the name a little. Like that’s new!), is the main artery connecting most of China’s population to valuable urban centers such as the Clinton-Walton Family Slave Labor Compound and Theme Park, as well Chinese “Dizneeland” (now featuring “Pirates of the Internet: We Swiped Your Nude Selfies Off Ashley Madison!”) This particular tie-up stranded thousands of drivers coming back from the a long national holiday known as the “Golden Week.” It’s unclear why the checkpoint was installed, though government officials vowed to get to the bottom of the tie-up, thought one official brazenly said “eat your heart out, Atlanta!”
- Speaking of Atlanta, Republic Presidential candidate Donald J. “Dr. J” Trump spoke at the North Atlanta Trade Center this past weekend. He touched on a variety of subjects, from national security to allegations that President Obama would soon sign an executive order banning wild wavy up-do’s in wealthy blondes with two kids and several jets. He also mentioned how free trade would allow marketers to come up with more creative names for a venue than the “North Atlanta Trade Center,” such as “the North Atlanta Trump Trade Exposition Hall of Trump Fame.” In a rather controversial moment, one member of the crowd screamed “Florida SUCKS,” but Trump quickly deflected that comment and reminded the crowd that the University of Georgia is a fine school with the fine tradition of having the exact same colors as the security guards in Star Trek, and seemingly lasting as long in their respective season. Trump managed to escape without injury.
- South Carolina continues to attempt to drip dry following the deluge of rain it received over the last few weeks.
Millions of dollars in aid from the government are expected to assist residents with disaster relief, as well as the issuance of an unprecedented number of street fishing permits. A now-viral picture posted on social media showed what appeared to be a shark swimming down a flooded street near Myrtle Beach. No word as to whether the creature was pulled over by a dolphin and cited for failing to stop.
- Nearly a dozen small earthquakes were felt across Kansas last week. According to KWCH-TV (Motto: “The Wizard of News!”), the U.S. Geological survey noted 11 temblors hitting a two county area of the Sunflower State, though none were over a magnitude 2.5 on the Richter Scale, or in an area with a confirmed population of over ten people. One geologist was reported to describe the series of quakes as “like someone dropping almost a dozen houses on the area.” The National Weather Service reported no tornadoes in the area, and the Ministry of Wizardry reported no broom sightings, either, though local animal control officials did see a spike in renegade dog poop linked to Cairn Terriers.
- The CEO of Alaska Airlines, Brad Tilden, was forced to admit something to a trade show group in Washington, D.C. this past week. Namely, he was forced to eat his own airline’s food. In a related story, he also noted his luggage was lost by the airline, and asked the media to please, oh please, for the love of God and all things decent, do not put this into a giant, 30 point boldfaced headline which would be instantly searchable by Google and featured on Fark.com. Officials at the Alaska Airlines Baggage Claim Department were unavailable for comment, but they did indicate my call would be answered in approximately “two…hundred…hours. Please hold for a friendly representative to take your call…we appreciate your business while on hold.”
- A recent survey indicated that residents of the Atlanta metropolitan area pay the highest ATM fees in the nation, averaging nearly $5 per withdrawal. Said one bank executive on the condition of strict anonymity, lest this writer be drawn-and-quartered, “Screw the average guy! I’ve got a party in Buckhead to be at in 5 minutes!”