Well, the first two posts were a bit heavy and super serious, so time to lighten things up a bit…
You did it again, didn’t you? The mouth opens, the brain forgets to engage the linguistic filter and, snap! Just like that, you triggered your own podiatric-oral impaction, known in laymen’s terms as the dreaded “foot in mouth.” Here’s a little something to bring you some comfort.
Every man on the earth has done it at least once!
Granted, sticking your metatarsal well into your oral cavity past your bicuspids is a long-honored tradition among us males, but there is a certain creative standard which we, as men, must hold ourselves to. It’s truly a disservice to our gender if we simply do it because of generic, mundane matters, such as saying “I forgot, why can’t you just put the seat down yourself?” That’s not so much mean-spirited (well, really, it is), as it is lazy. Let’s get creative with how we lodge our cross-trainers and wingtips into our oral cavity! If we’re gonna eat memory foam or pleather tassels then, dammit, let’s make sure it’s worth it!
Allow me to get this verbal gaffe party started (and feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments section). By the way, all of these utterances, once emitted from our vocal chords in audible fashion, should make us feel like are idiotic beyond redemption. Bear in mind, none of these are inherently mean-spirited; they are simply examples of creative ways for us to be absolute verbally benign boneheads by either commission or omission. Of course, I say that because, on some level, we’ve all either done these, thought about doing these, or know someone who has done or thought about doing these.
- Talk about Fifty Shades, or any female-friendly erotica, like it’s the literary equivalent of Skittles.
- While she is talking about saving money to buy a house, start going off into a rant about how great it would be to own, say, a Maserati.
- Tell her the cat just barfed on her favorite shoes when it was actually you, and forget to move the beer can in deductive-reasoning proximity to said blast zone.
- Get defensive about your flatulence after eating foods which she gently reminded you are known irritants to your bowels.
- Complain about doing the laundry “all the time” when the last time you actually washed anything in the machine was when you needed your Nikes or UnderArmours clean for that big 3-on-3 tourney with your buddies…you know, the one you blew off that date she planned for three weeks and took a personal day from work to prep six hours for?
- Manscape the words “I’m sexy, baby!” into your chest hair. (Okay, this is an example of visual aids)
- Show her your “hormone diary” as your statistical support for griping about any mood swings.
- Sit in your car mulling over your phone’s social media feeds, then arrive 30 minutes late to her job and blame it on “traffic,” all the while your feed is getting blown up with likes over the pic you took of you eating a supersized greasy cheeseburger!
- When your deck collapses, blame the cracked cinder block used to support the undercut beam that was too short because you were more concerned with the college game you were watching from 40 yards away, and were later too lazy and cheap to go to the lumber yard and replace it (she will find this out, eventually).
- Explain away your body odor as an “experiment in musk attraction.” Seriously.
- Forget to buy condoms, then claim that everything now is “too small.” (Okay, not creative so much as sadly comical!)
- When she sees you playing video games instead of working on the family budget, call it “mathematical cause and effect probability research.”
Got one of your own? Please share away!
Coming up next – For the ladies, how to tell your boyfriend (or friend, period) wants to commit – for real!