You’re a man who fell in love with his best female friend? Here’s a survival guide of sorts

These next two weeks, I will be posting about some problems afflicting males in their relationships and some insights on how we, as men, can address them with a pinch of sarcasm and a healthy heap of cynicism.  Yes, this is experience talking.  Ladies, chances are you’ll be offended by something, so enjoy the ride.

So it finally happened: you realized that female best bud, the one with whom you have shared so much, is the woman you’ve fallen hopelessly in love with.  Well that’s great; a lover is always great when they are your best friend.  But now comes a hitch.

She doesn’t feel the same way, or you suspect she doesn’t.

Ouch!  Short of having your testicles removed with a shrimp fork, there is nothing on this earth quite as burning as that feeling.  I’ve been there, and it sucks.  But fear not, for there are some ways for a friendship to survive the most dangerous of waters, those of unrequited love.

First, let me begin with an uncomfortable fact.  The notion of a “best friend love affair” is just a hair less remote than Peyton Manning becoming head coach of the Georgia Bulldogs.  It might be hurtful to hear, but forget the “soulmate” stuff.  This is about protecting your heart and psyche from being crushed like a grape after a late season harvest.

That being said, unless you are so secure in yourself that not even a coordinated hack attack by both Russia and ISIS can take you down, you can never reveal this.  This should be the “Friendship Prime Directive.”. The goal is to preserve the friendship, and if you aren’t secure in yourself and are rejected, the friendship must be ended. Period.

Now if you were able to successfully profess your love for this person to this person and survived the dreaded “I’d rather just be friends” answer, here are some protocols to follow, without exception.

1.  Never, ever, ever, ever talk about sex.  This will drive you insane with jealousy, especially if you are in a bad marriage or lousy relationship.

2.  If she calls a significant other or said person drops by, duck out gracefully.  This will save you a lot of grief and embarrassment.

3.  If she suggests a double date, politely decline while thinking “are you mad, woman?”

4.  Never be around her when she’s drunk.  This a rule which absolutely cannot be broken.  You don’t want to do something idiotic in the midst of a drunken stupor. No matter how bad your heart or loins may ache for her.

5.  Find a hobby and pour your heart into it.  Cars, sports, writing, art, carpentry…you get the idea.  Hell, build a freaking house!!!!  Just find a mental distraction.

6.  If married, NEVER TELL YOUR SPOUSE.  This should be self explanatory, though a few of you will ask “why?” (Idiots.)

And the last rule to follow…

7.  Always say your okay in front of her.  I don’t give a flying fuck what experts say.  A woman does not want to see her best man friend turn into a blubbering idiot.  Play it cool, be graceful, then go home and find something fragile you don’t need and smash it to pieces.

Hope this helps…coming next, the dumbest reasons to get married.

6 thoughts on “You’re a man who fell in love with his best female friend? Here’s a survival guide of sorts

    • Incidentally I should have added one more tip: find a person you can trust with your life to talk to. Drinking buddies are a big fat NO, and the “bro code” is null and void in this instance

  1. I was with you right up until number 7. What I hear you saying is:

    A. You do not express any emotions deeper than “Yeah, it sucked, whatever” with a female friend you care about because you somehow believe that women desire men as flat as cartoon characters with no working core, so you essentially stifle all connection with her up to, but not quite including, being strangers who know a couple extra facts about each other, like address and alma mater;

    B. She, meanwhile, is supposedly allowed to express all range of emotions in your “friendship” in a double standard so lopsided it would sink an aircraft carrier unless, of course, it triggers your tricky libido in which case you ghost her without explanation and leave her wondering whether or not you are honorable and worth investing any more time in; and

    C. The one emotion you’ve apparently allotted yourself in times of stress, frustration, and pain is a rage so unexamined and mysterious to you that only the random destruction of physical property can sate it.

    What are you, a writer for Michael Bay?

    • I can’t help but laugh at that last sentence. I WISH I was a writer for Bay, because that means I would have had a say in “Transformers: Age of Extinction.” That said, I don’t dispute any of what you are saying, I just agree to disagree with your assessment. Besides, I did mention there is a good chunk of sarcasm in it (though science has proven that destruction of an inanimate object does alleviate stress and mental anguish.)

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