I feel a little silly today, so I figured I’d break out my “parody hat” and enjoy a little fun at the expense of some of my favorite science fiction series. This is a fake script I came up with for a dialogue between the universes of Babylon 5, Star Wars, rebooted Star Trek, Futurama and the rebooted Battlestar Galactica.
SCENE: Epsilon Eridani Sector. A Hyperspace jump point just formed near side of Epsilon 3 opposite space station Babylon 5. Two X-Wing Fights come through the gate. Anakin Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi are piloting. They are contacted by Babylon 5 station command.
CAPT. JOHN SHERIDAN: This is Babylon control. Identify yourselves.
OBI-WAN: Babylon control? (looks at his instrumentation) Ani, I don’t believe we’re near Coruscant anymore.
ANAKIN: Agreed. R2, get me a fix on our position. (R2 makes its usual beeps)
SHERIDAN: I repeat, this is Babylon control. Identify yourself. (looks at Ivanova) Dispatch some Starfuries to intercept.
IVANOVA: Aye, Captain.
OBI-WAN: I suppose we need to respond, don’t we? (Taps his comm) Babylon control, my name is Obi Wan Kenobi. I am a…traveler from a distant galaxy and my friend and I are looking for a place to bed down and make repairs. Can you assist?
SHERIDAN: We’ve dispatched a couple of our men to your position. Power down your weapons and they will escort to us.
ANAKIN: Do you think this is…. (a sudden flash of light is seen behind them) What the? Ben, are you seeing this?
OBI-WAN: (Looks behind him to see a massive ship of unknown configuration behind them) Yes! It’s a the strangest looking vessel I’ve ever seen.
(Behind them is the NCC 1701, commanded by James T. Kirk).
CAPT KIRK: Mr. Spock, where the hell are we?
SPOCK: It would appear we have traveled through some sort of multiversal rift. Sensors indicate we are in the Epsilon Eridani system.
Dr. McCOY: Sweet Jesus, Jim! We just jumped out a broken window into a pool with six inches of water in it.
KIRK: Keep it up with the metaphors, Bones! I’ll stick you in a torpedo tube, I swear. (looks at Sulu). Helm, what’s that in front of us.
SULU: Reading two craft, unknown configuration.
KIRK: Uhura, hailing frequencies.
UHURA: Aye, captain.
KIRK: This is Captain James T. Kirk of the United Federation of Planets to unidentified ships. Please identify yourselves.
OBI-WAN: Well, Ani. It seems we are quite popular.
SHERIDAN: This is Babylon control to Captain Kirk. Where is the United Federation of Planets? I’ve never heard of it.
IVANOVA: Captain, this could be a trap. (klaxon sounds) Captain, we have an unauthorized jumpgate opening!
(Jumpgate near Babylon 5 opens up. Battlestar Galactica comes barreling through, barely missing the jumpgate struts).
IVANOVA: One ship, unknown configuration, but massive. I’m ready…dear God…Captain, I’m reading at least a dozen thermonuclear devices onboard.
SHERIDAN: This is Captain John Sheridan of Earth Alliance Station Babylon 5 to unknown vessel. Identify yourselves at once!
CAPTAIN ADAMA: This is Captain Adama of Battlestar Galactica to Captain Sheridan. We mean you no harm. We are running from raiders.
IVANOVA: Raiders? That ship is bigger than anything I’ve ever seen. What could possibly destroy it?
KIRK: Captain Adama, where are you from?
ADAMA: The Twelve Colonies of Kobol.
OBI-WAN: Okay, let’s see here. We’re from the Galactic Republic. There’s a ship from a federation of some sort, a space station from someplace called the Earth Alliance, wherever the hell that is, and one from some place called Kobol.
SHERIDAN: It sounds like Mr. Kenobi has it right. (Londo walks until the control room)
LONDO: Captain Sheridan, I see we have guests, yes?
SHERIDAN: Now is not a good time.
LONDO: Captain, I may be able to offer some assistance. (Looks at the tactical display). Yes, my people have had an instance like this once, several hundred years ago. Alternate realities merging together. Hyperspace rifts.
SHERIDAN: Really? How did you solve it?
LONDO: We woke up.
SHERIDAN: You…woke up?
LONDO: Yes. It was all a dream! Trust me. You will know when it is all a dream. (Klaxon sounding) It would appear your prime indicator is coming through the jump gate.
(Jumpgate opens, and the Planet Express ship comes through).
FRY: This is Acting Captain Philip J. Fry of the Planet Express Ship. We’ve ended up in some sort of alternate reality where everything is fleshy squishy and thinks aren’t as bright and colorful.
BENDER: Screw this! I’m going to start my own universe, with blackjack, and hookers!
LONDO: Now there, THERE is my kind of person!
ADAMA: Oh for the love of gods!
ANI: They’re holding us back.
SPOCK: Yes Captain, I do believe it’s a trap!
IVANOVA: This is Babylon control to Planet Express ship. Power down your weapons or be destroyed.
SHERIDAN: Londo, this is about to get ugly.
(Bender fires several shots at Babylon 5 and at Battlestar Galactica. Enterprise and the X Wing Fighters emerge from the rear of Epsilon 3 and begin firing at everyone.)
ADAMA: That’s the stupidest looking Cylon I’ve ever seen!
OBI-WAN: How uncivilized
KIRK: Target their reactors and fire.
ADAMA: I need our nukes ready to fire.
IVANOVA: Here comes the boom!
(Everything flashes white. Seconds later, Sheridan awakens in his room, groggy)
SHERIDAN: Oh, wow! I guess it was just a dream. (turns over and sees Leela next to him)
LEELA: Hey, sunshine! I brought you a present (presents him with a purring tribble)
SHERIDAN: It WAS a trap!!!!!!!!
(Crow from “Mystery Science Theatre 3000” turned around and looks at him)
CROW: You’re telling me! That was the WORST movie I’ve ever seen, I once watched Gamera do an Olympic gymnast routine!
(Crow jumps into a TARDIS and disappears)