KEY WEST, Florida – The Conch Republic, a loosely allied quasi-nation of islands in the Florida Keys, today announced it has allied itself with the United States government in the event of a war with Texas.
“We cannot take any chances,” a source close to the situation said on the condition of confidentiality. “We do not want to see any refugee Cowboys fans show up at our doorstep. It was bad enough during the Mariel boatlift. Criminals are one thing, we can incarcerate them, but Cowboys fans have a First Amendment right to be insufferable – we have to tolerate them.”
Some members of the Texas Republican Party, inspired by incumbent Governor Greg Abbott (R), are now convinced that the Pentagon’s “Jade Helm 15” operation is meant as a precursor to a takeover of the Lone Star State. Even Senator and Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz was unconvinced of President Obama’s lack of intent with regards to the largest state in the lower 48. A member of the Free Keys Party, the unofficial political movement of the Conch Republic, is not surprised by Cruz’s or Governor Abbott’s perceived paranoia.
“We receive threats from the U.S. Government all the time,” the party official said. “There is plenty of reason for us to be afraid; we’re a coveted vacation spot with great fishing, parties in Key West, spectacular sunsets, and clear water. Texas has the Alamo, a lot of cattle and…wait, they had oil wells once, didn’t they?”
Abbott’s decision to deploy the Texas National Guard to repel a federal invasion may be in vain, says the party member, who was also a member of the original Elite Guard of the Republic. He pointed out that while Texas’ forces are more than a match for Mexico, President Obama can play a trump card.
“Abbott doesn’t realize that President Obama could always call in a favor or two from Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban,” the member noted, “who is not only a proud Texas citizen, but also strident Democrat. Cuban would likely offer lifetime tickets to Dallas Mavericks games and Texas college football games as inducements to troops to disobey orders and not fight.”
The member made one last point as to why a real shooting war will likely not break out, one which he states could lead to Abbott’s impeachment.
“This governor is risking committing blasphemy against an established major religion in Texas,” he stated. “If a war breaks out, football season is officially shot to hell!”
The Conch Republic’s alliance with the United States is conditional. In exchange for allowing the United States Navy and Coast Guard safe passage through the Straits of Florida, ships must allow Republic Guard members unlimited use of the vessels in peacetime for chartered fishing trips. Of course, there is a benefit to the U.S. military.
“The alliance agreement states the government gets a twenty percent cut of every charter,” a Pentagon source admitted. “You can’t beat that deal.”