With less than 48 hours to go until 2014 is officially in the books, it is time to award the not-so-coveted ill-colored sausage of doom, the infamous Green Weenie!
After the debacle of last years “tournament style” Green Weenie presentation, we have decided to become more nimble and limited in our approach. As the Green Weenie Nominating Committee is based in Atlanta, Georgia, we have chosen to restructure the entire way we do business. Namely, we chose to focus on a southern appeal, with nominees coming strictly from the southeastern United States. The day we announced this, a courier representing themselves as from the Southeastern Conference sent us a cease-and-desist letter, until we had to remind them this had nothing to do with the College Football Playoffs, which led them to realize how stupid they really were, leading to a Weenie Nomination.
But that was just the tip of the iceberg. There were so many worthy candidates to pick from, we had to whittle down the list to some blatant examples of pure idiocy. Bruce Levenson, for example, made the list immediately for racially insensitive comments made about the Atlanta Hawks core fan base, and he’s the owner of the team! Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi actually managed to leapfrog her boss into the nomination with her steadfast determination to uphold Florida’s ban on gay marriage, despite a federal court ruling saying she was out of her tree.
Of course, 2014 was full of foolishness, which allowed for a wealth of eligible nominees from all across the southern tier. There was Georgia Bulldogs star running Todd Gurley, who proved that not only do cheaters never prosper, but they tend to be arrogant enough to get injured in their first game back after a near season-ending NCAA investigation. Did we mention he is now entering the NFL draft? Of course, from the pro subdivision, the Carolina Panthers upended the Atlanta Falcons in the U-Suck Bowl, becoming the first NFC South division champion with a losing record when Cam Newton pulled the dreaded “Bank of America Play” and screamed to the Falcons defense “all your accounts are overdrawn,” leading to confusion and several successful touchdowns which Cam Newton actually caught himself!
In Tennessee, a true drama began to play out when Nashville was sent abuzz by country superstar Taylor Swift’s decision to remove her music from Spotify, earning a Green Weenie nomination by saying “valuable things should be paid for” and leading us to wonder if that was really directed at former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell, who is on trial for accepting gifts (gasps!) as part of his campaign. The Green Weenie, if he were have won it, would have been delivered to his attorney, who sent another cease and desist letter, only this was aimed at our complaints he would have probably put it on Ebay to pay legal fees.
The Carolinas remained relatively Weenie-free this year, except for the fact that the North Carolina began accepting Florida’s SunPass as a toll billing method for its express lanes and toll roads. This received a nomination only because giving SunPass a Weenie nom is so old, they just send us a bill for additional unpaid toll violations. Last balance statement, $1,555,202,312,556,111.01 and a slice of pizza.
Louisiana and Mississippi almost received a nomination, but we felt sorry for Saints fans and gave them a pass.
That leads us to Texas. Of course, the only person worthy of a Weenie is Rick Perry, but as he is busy campaigning for President at the moment, he is unable to do anything truly worthy of weeniehood, except for making nonsensical statements about the immigration, health care and gay marriage. Even the Koch Brothers told us “waste of time,” which really means “we will destroy you if you nominate him,” which we believe translates from One Percentese into English as “Screw it.”
Alabama’s University of Alabama at Birmingham should have received a nomination, but their now-defunct football team actually defeated the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in a pickup farewell game, they gained a shred of respect.
So who gets the Weenie?
This took a great deal of thought and care, and it required a level of judiciousness not found in everyday life. There were many worthy candidates, but only one rose to the level of a true “Green Weenie.” That person, despite all the race baiters, golddiggers, gravy trainers, and total morons, managed to rise to the top of the cesspool of stupidity which plagued the Southern United States, and just yank that Weenie home!
Congratulations to Cobb County (GA) Commissioner Tim Lee on being the 2014 Green Weenie winner!
Commissioner Lee is a special sort of crooked! Not only did he try to have an ethics investigation quashed, not only did he negotiate back door deals which led to Cobb County taxpayers being on the hook for hundreds of millions of dollars to the Atlanta Braves over a stadium dogged by overruns, legal battles, and citizen tax revolts, not only has he made the DeKalb County Commission, whose CEO actually faced federal corruption charges, look like rank amatuers, he managed to win the Weenie by this single statement, and it wasn’t even by Lee but, instead, by Larry Savage, a private Cobb County citizen, who had brought an earlier complaint against Lee for similar shenanigans.
“The ethics board is not interested in getting involved in a quagmire with the board commissioners.”
Congrats, Commissioner Lee! You earned a much-avoided titled, which may earn you worldwide notoriety someday, assuming cockroaches and rats are all that’s left. As for our other nominees, better luck next year!