It’s not very often I blog about my personal life, but today is an exception to that rule. This past week, I had a bit of an epiphany, and it’s something requiring serious soul-searching as to whether I should broadcast publicly.
One of the things I have been battling against over the last few years has been an extremely negative image of myself. Granted, some of this was deserved by major errors in judgment in my own life, but much of it was the result of allowing my opinion to be dictated by an external locus. My own impression and orientation of who I was, how I looked, and the image I put off was skewed dramatically by those around me, rather than what was real in my heart. The concept of what was attractive, and what wasn’t, has been dominated by my physical appearance.
Strangely, as my confidence with my writing has increased, I have taken better care of myself and begun to look a bit more attractive. But that’s not the more astonishing thing I’ve noticed. It would seem that those who once doubted me, who teased me and made fun of me, are now making nice with me. It appears that physical appearance, while important to the overall package presented, means little when the power of the mind, heart and soul are not integrated with it. Recently, I have learned to understand what it means to do this, and the benefits and rewards are being realized.
That said, I don’t hold grudges – they are a useless waste of time. Rather than plot revenge, I simply ignore or render irrelevant and, naturally, many have made the “irrelevant” list, but that, in and of itself, is irrelevant. What is relevant, oddly enough, is the fact that I am finding all this refreshing, amusing and, in many cases, inspiring. There are several instances of those who once belittled and teased me in my childhood now becoming friends, but the vast majority of those I have since befriended actually did made amends before I began down this magical new road, so they I can truly trust and because of that trust, and the fact they now demonstrate both kindness and respect, I will do whatever I can to help them. It’s that simple.
Bear in mind, attractiveness and me are not exactly an compatible pair. I try to be humble as possible for a variety of reasons, most of which being that nobody appreciates conceit, and with good reason – it’s just ugly, and that’s one thing I know I am not. That being said, I want to thank everyone who has believed in me and supported this journey. Those of you who have been there since the beginning of this journey (and you know who you are), you mean the world to me – you are my family. Those of you who have joined me since things really became good, but have shown true kindness, you are cherished. As for the rest, time will tell where you belong, but I will do as has been done to me or, at the very least, will forgive what was hurtful, at the least.
Again, this is not easy to admit, but I am happy I am considered attractive now, even if I am so uncomfortable with this situation that I am finding myself requesting your indulgence for a moment of preening.