Our move from the Apartments from Hell (for reasons of security and the fact I don’t feel like getting the pants sued off me, the name of this complex will not be mentioned) now complete, it is time for me to reflect on our relocation and, in true John fashion, offer up the follow nuggets of advice to prospective moving families, individuals, mutants, and random miscreants:
- Never, ever, ever move without having your sanity evaluated by a medical professional!
- If you must move, be prepared to pack approximately 3 million boxes which have some sort of non-indigenous insect in them, which later reproduces at a rate comparable online to Justin Bieber I-Tunes downloads.
- If moving with pets and, in particular, cats, you will be able to create a ringtone of meowing, crying and hissing which will could be re-harmonized into a strange Halloween carol later in the year.
- You know that 90 minute truck rental for $20? Forget about it for the following reasons: the store is always 21 minutes away, and you will be stuck behind every person who decided that today was a great day for a leisurely drive. Plus, city transportation workers will be using those cameras atop the traffic lights to throw every damned red at you while laughing in some control room watching episodes of “Game of Thrones.”
- When using your children to move, forget time schedules. If you set a 30 minute window to move all your stuff out of your place, your kids will spend the first 29 minutes playing on their cellphones or other portable gaming device.
- Teenage boys will drag their feet in every stage of the move, then whine about how much work they did while, meanwhile, you are spending $35,000 on pallets of Tylenol to quell the back pain you are experiencing.
- Those china plates you forgot to pack in cotton will hold up just find on every curve and speed bump, but the second you tap one against your counter while pulling it from the dishwasher, it’ll shatter into billions of tiny shards, several of which you’ll be pull out of your feet when you move out TEN YEARS LATER.
- When setting up your home, at least one utility will figure out a way to screw up the installation so badly that you have to take the last three personal days you have saved on the job. You know, the ones you had saved for that special weekend getaway with your spouse later in the year? Yep, that now is the special weekday getaway with the cable installer.
- Planning on moving with a rental truck? Chances are you’ll get that truck with the taillight out, a rental company with the customer service acumen of shredded wheat, only with no sugar coating to make you feel like someone competent is handling the issue. By the time you do get your replacement vehicle, it will be almost midnight, and the police will threaten to cite you for disturbing the peace.
- Did we already say never, ever move? Well, if after reading this you still decide to move, you either love your new home, to which we salute you, or you are teetering on the edge of depravity and desperation to get the hell out of your current locale, and are willing to deal with every form of torture and obstacle to get to where you want to go. In which case, assuming a successful conclusion to your relocation, a temporal vortex will open because you managed to somehow break the laws of physics, creating a rift which will swallow time and sp…..