Sochi – Following the American team’s win over the Russians in Men’s Hockey, the Russian Federation has demanded that all future hockey games be played without American officials or, at the very least, bribes be paid in dollars instead of rubles.
“We must ensure that future travesties of sport such as this are not repeated,” an anonymous source for the Russian Federation said earlier today.
A spokesman for the Russian hockey team blamed the loss on the presence of an American referee, claiming there was bias in officiating. The American team considers the argument ridiculous, with a representative of the United States Olympic Committee offering a rather unique take on the matter.
“Russian politicians suck balls,” the member said. “Any reputable agent knows that you pay bribes in dollars, as the exchange rate for rubles is ridiculously low. Seriously, rubles are toilet paper in the United States. Russia needs to stop being so damned cheap.”
Members of Russia’s intelligence agency, the FSB, were also disciplined for failing to gain what government agencies called “adequate information” regarding the composition of the officiating crew. One agent told the press “had we known the makeup of the officiating crew, we would have ensured that sufficient inducements would have been provided for a more equitable interpretation of the rules.”
When the USOC member was asked for comment on the matter, she cackled uncontrollably and suggested the Russian agent “go back to Moscow and look for James Bond, since he seems to be able to drive tanks through their streets with impunity.”
The Russian agent’s response was puzzling.
“I’ve never even seen Hunt for Red October….and we did pay in dollars. Wait, Australia uses dollars, right?”