Well, we are well into January 2014, but have finally been able to determine the finalists for the 2013 Green Weenie Awards. It may sound like laziness, but the simple fact is that 2013 was a banner year for slimy, nasty, greasy idiots who accomplished the near-impossible task of being nominated for the least-coveted award on earth. Fortunately, not even sequestration could slow down this rotten pork funk train, so without further adieu, we present…
The 2013 Green Weenie Awards
It wasn’t easy to come up with our five annual nominees, but after great deliberation, consultation, and prostration, here they are in now real order other than what we decided to name first.
Our first nominee comes from the world of entertainment. Though names like Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke come to mind as worthy nominees for this category, the Hollywood name who managed to get nominated has not only proven himself to be a hysterically bad overactor, but a Twitter flamewarrior, a lousy advertising pitchman, and a very annoying boss at NBC. The first nominee is none other than Alec Baldwin.
The second nominee is no stranger to the world of controversy, hails from the sporting universe. Despite the fact that Richie Incognito’s racial blast ran contrary to his surname’s meaning, despite the fact that Jerry Jones and Dan Snyder continue to compete for the title of biggest goober in the history of pro sports, despite the fact that Alex Rodriguez was recently hammered with a 162 game suspension, this particular athlete absolutely hit the ball out of the park for being the biggest rube in the history of athletes, and he’s not even playing anymore. He’s essentially the new version of Jane Fonda, and has proven that being friends with a homicide dictator has its privileges. The second nominee is the man who once wore a pink boa and reportedly had a fling with Madonna while trying to outdo her, Mr. Dennis Rodman.
Our third nominee has created a stir not just by way of words, but by way of deeds. America is divided as never before, and this person has managed to not just vacation while the nation worries, but also created a controversy from one seemingly well-intentioned statement which somehow landed this person into winning the nearly-least-coveted 2013 Lie of the Year, according to Politifact.com. There’s no getting around this politician’s sticking his foot into a proverbial political turd pie. The third nominee is President Barack Obama.
The fourth nominee proves that if you are going to harm someone, at least have a good reason. This nominee, however, took it just a little bit to the extreme when, in a fit of rage, decided to attack their significant other when breakfast was not made after awakening from a sound sleep. Our fourth nominee hails from the great state of Texas, 39-year old Rosie Mae Strait.
Our fifth and final nominee showed us that even the infallible can do things in a profoundly fallible way and, in the process, prove just how stupid they really look. Fortunately, the fact this person’s departure paved the way for a far more capable successor does earn some style points. Still, he left under a cloud of suspicion and doubt, and proved that even after centuries of tradition, some offices are capable of keeping up with the tradition of sticking one’s foot in one’s mouth with one genuinely stupid move which would leave the world unsure as to exactly how to address him. The fifth and final nominee for the Green Weenies is the former pontiff, Pope Benedict XVI/Cardinal Ratzinger/Whatever He’s Called This Week.
And now the “envelope” please…
The 2013 Green Weenie Award winner has managed to make the biggest image bellyflop in over a generation, and is regarded as a laughingstock by some and a fool by others. It took genuine, God-given moronic guile to pull off winning this award, and we sincerely hope that in all the years this award will be given out in the future, we will never again see a winner with such foolishly narcisstic sense of self and lack of consideration for the consequences.
The 2013 Green Weenie Award winner is….Dennis Rodman.
Yes, President Obama was close second for his “Lie of the Year,” and Alec Baldwin managed to prove that stupidity knows only the bounds of Twitter character limits, and Pope Benedict XVI showed us that no amount of Novenas can save us for our own stupidity, and Ms. Straits’ even showed us that missing meals are not grounds for domestic assaults, but when you are willing to cross enemy lines to shoot hoops with a man who is willing to kill his own kin in a drunken stupor, you have that special rotten idiocy to you that only can be epitomized by the Green Weenie itself. Rodman narrowly, and we do mean narrowly, edged out President Obama and his “If you like your plan, you can keep it,” politiflub.
So, congratulations to Dennis Rodman and, should he decide to share this award with North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un, perhaps they can even display the award on the official North Korean website with a headline of “Glorious Green Award Granted to Achieved American.”
Full disclosure: that Dennis Rodman’s hair is green in this picture is actually rather coincidental. We noticed it after posting this announcement, but kept it because, honestly, it fits.